Wed Feb 27, 2008 6:29 pm Updated: Sun Jun 2, 2013 2:12 pm
Bovine Colons, Earth (Krapsody) - An article published in Technology News at The Engineer online claimed:
Nine students from the Tech-Israel Institute of Technology have developed a model spacecraft for deflecting objects falling from space. The model has been created in response to the asteroid Apophis which scientists believe will collide with Earth in 2036, and was presented at a competition of NASA and the American Institute of Aeronautics and Astronautics. [Read Full Story]
Somewhere in Orbit (Krapsody) - At risk of sounding like a total nerd, I'm a bit excited. A new planet was discovered. It might be a place that only a lichen or pond scum could love, but astronomers believe that they've found it capable of harboring water on its surface potentially making it a home for plant or animal life.
Nobody from Earth will be visiting anytime soon: The planet, called Gliese 581g, is orbiting a star about 20 light-years away in the constellation Libra.
But if the finding is confirmed by other brainiacs, the planet, which is three to four times the mass of Earth, would be the most Earthlike planet yet discovered, and the first to meet the criteria for being potentially habitable. Which is a lot more than I can say for Detroit.
Steven Slater, the JetBlue flight attendant who probably found one of the most dramatic ways to quit a job ever, is the most famous flight attendant since Vesna Vulovic. Yes, I know. Just click the link and you'll understand. Slater, allegedly cursed out an entire aircraft, grabbed a beer and then exited a plane by deploying the emergency slide suddenly found himself a hero of thousands of people just like him. How does a melodrama, such as this, propel a flight attendant into infamy? It seems losing one's patience isn't all you will lose when flying the friendly skies.
Dick, PA - "I've seen some weird eBay listings before but this is really weird: HAUNTED PENIS RINGS. I discovered this oddity as I checked my Google Analytics account to see what hot keywords people are using to hit on my site...'penis' still seems to be at the top of the list of weird searches that direct to krapsody.com. Followed by 'whale penis'. And stranger yet, 'inside elephants ass', 'giraffes asshole', and 'old man in spedos [sic]'. I can understand 'whale penis', maybe I can even understand 'inside elephants ass' as those would be somewhat relevant. Boy, some of you people on the internets are REAL degenerates. I can only imagine how disappointed some of you freaks are when you don't actually find what you're looking for," Static says candidly.
I'll have you know, tagging isn't just for blogging, or social networking. The following post contains a pic of some graffiti I found the other day while walking around town. Fortunately for all concerned, I had just attended an art exhibition and was toting around my Nikon F with the NIKKOR 300mm f/2.8G ED VR II 2186 super fast telephoto lens attached just for situations like this (insert additional nerdy photographic terminology here). I think it was good enough to post here. Short, but sweet.
"The greatest service which can be rendered any country is to add a useful plant to its culture."
- Thomas Jefferson
I don't know about you, but I sure would like a puff of whatever plants he was smokin'.
You can thank Thomas Jefferson, the third President of the United States (1801–1809), and the principal author of the Declaration of Independence (1776), for starting what would become the largest collection of North American Mammoth fossil bones (in scientific speak that means, old massive pricks.) **No thanks to that wonderful duo, Lewis and Clark and their perverse expedition across America.**
History and science come together in this fascinating story of a woodland salt lick, and how the fossilized Big Bones found there influenced the beginnings of paleontological pornography in America.
"I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers."
Bagdad, Iraq (Krapsody) - How about some good ol' shoe tossing for the whole family?
Shoe tossing for me, shoe tossing for you, shoe tossing for all!
YOU DOGS!
I'm of course referring to those shoes that came flying at George W. Bush during his Baghdad press conference on Sunday Dec. 14, 2008.
Bush was regurgitating his usual drivel about why he stopped golfing, and the multi-billion dollar success of the war in Iraq, when a TV journalist from Egypt named Muntadhar al-Zeidi threw his shoes at President Bush.
Bush displayed terrific athleticism in dodging both shoes, don't you think? He was like a fierce jungle cat! An agile ninja!
He exhibited remarkable composure, and he calmly resumed the press conference without skipping a beat. "This is your farewell kiss, you dog!" al-Zeidi shouted in Arabic before he was tackled by Iraqi reporters.
When the Secret Service "body man" finally appeared and made a move to wrap the president in a human shield -- as if it had just dawned on the Secret Service that they were in the middle of Iraq (new Secret Service motto: "We said we'd take a bullet; nobody ever said anything about a shoe!") -- Bush subtly waved him away. No way was he leaving Iraq cowed and covered.
"OK, everybody calm down for a minute," the president said. "And if you want some -- if you want the facts, it's a size 10 shoe that he threw."
Then as he assessed a room full of nervous laughter and building embarrassment, he added, "Thank you for your concern, do not worry about it. So what if a guy threw a shoe at me?" Bush laughed off the incident with a pun, saying: "I don't know what the guy said, but I saw his sole."
Who would have thought that such an ugly, unpleasant incident would turn into Bush's finest hour? He was calm, collected, and composed. How unusual is that?
Totally unscripted, nobody had been prepped. It was Bush's best conference, or speech in his presidency, ever. A sea of calm in the country of his discontent.
Of course within hours of the reported shoe-throwing, the memes began appearing all over internet land. "Shoegate" is a monumental viral video event, that includes animated images and at least two games: The Flying Babush and Bush's Boot Camp.
You can watch a video of shoe-throwing mashups below.
Bush was certainly not humiliated the way al-Zeidi expected, or the way al-Zeidi turned out himself. He just needed a better pair of shoes. Maybe a pair of steel-toed exploding sandals to fling next time. Let's see what GW thinks about this!
Hey, all this attention and subsequent lampooning could have been worse. It's not the first time and certainly won't be the last time that public figures will be mercilessly mocked and ridiculed.
The acutely embarrassing photograph of Senator John McCain (on the right) caught with his tongue hanging out after the third and final presidential debate on October 15, 2008 also became a subject of pitiless ridicule on the internet, with its many Photoshopped, remastered, and creatively exploited spoofs and spin-offs, such as the few seen on the left.
This resulted in a cascade of hilarity, the likes of which have not been seen since Tom Cruise made an ass of himself on the infamous Scientology video. Cruise is still taking hits for that and his glib appearance on that Today Show Interview with Matt Lauer so many years ago. It seems like aeons now.
And tomorrow we'll have another event to make fun of. So let the LULZ commence.
Ingredients and Preparation Method
------------------------------------------------------ 1 entire SPAMMER (130-365 lbs), de-boned, and cubed
2 Baking potatoes, cut into-1/8″ slices
1 c Thinly sliced carrots
1 c Thinly sliced onions
1/2 c Thinly sliced celery
2 Garlic cloves, minced
2 tb Flour
1 t Coarsely ground pepper
3/4 t Dried whole thyme
1 cn No-salt-added green beans-drained (16 oz)
1 cn No-salt-added whole-tomatoes, drained and-chopped (16 oz)
1 cn No-salt-added vegetable-juice cocktail (5 1/2 oz)
Butter-flavor vegetable-cooking spray
Cook potatoes in boiling water 3 minutes or until crisp-tender. Drain. In industrial sized skillet, cook SPAMMER until browned; remove from skillet. Add carrots to skillet and saute 4-5 minutes, stirring frequently. Add onion, celery, and garlic; saute until vegetables are tender. Combine flour, pepper, and thyme. Stir flour mixture into vegetable mixture; cook 1 minute, stirring constantly. Add browned SPAM, green beans, tomato, and vegetable juice cocktail. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Remove skillet from heat; arrange potato slices over SPAM mixture to cover completely. Spray potato slices with vegetable cooking spray (or 1/2 gallon of the spammers lard or if unavailable 1 quart imported Iraqi petroleum oil will do). Broil 6″ from heat source *1,426 minutes and 1 second* or until golden. Garnish with the following: scalped hair, toe/fingernails, clothing and shoes.
Since my last post, I have successfully escaped the terrors of Guantanamo Bay! After sneaking out during nappy time, I was able to swipe a couple of Power Bars, a snorkel, escape on foot, and then I swam all the way back to the states.
Along the way I was er... ummm..."harassed" by a sperm whale. He was obviously interested in what I was all about - swimming like a retarded Aquaman out in the open ocean like some freakish frogman...my junk was all egging him on and stuff. Anyway this encounter got me to thinking about another subject of interest.
Several years ago a group of authors in the Archives of Natural History put forth the hypothesis that tales and sightings of sea serpents from yore (including the Loch Ness monster) might actually have been - or probably are - male whales in a state of arousal. Yes, the theory is that it's possible that what sailors or common citizens have seen - all those alleged sea serpent sightings - are actually..whale penises (also called dorks).
As to what exactly is going on here, a little help please! This is obviously some kind of instruction manual, but I am somewhat confused as to what for. It appears to be Japanese (correct me if I'm wrong). Maybe it's instructions for some kind of weird WWII submarine drill kamikaze style or a cartoon about blow-up doll love-making techniques - kamikaze style? Maybe it's a recipe for making teriyaki chicken? All I know is Hiro-san must have been hitting the sake a bit hard when he thrust his blow-up doll's ass out a vent to moon the fish. Not exactly a moment of pride for the Japanese Navy, eh? Yeah, and when the sub took on too much water he wasn't feeling so cocky (no pun intended) then I bet.
Strangest Thing To Do With One's Nipples
_______________________________________________
Meet the man who cut off his nipples, and turned them into earrings. Because he could. John Blake says the experience was "interesting". Hating the sensation of his nipples being there, John had the chance for them to be removed, and he took it.
That opportunity came after he saw someone on the internet that had branded his nipples off. John didn’t like the idea of branding, though, and had his sliced off instead. Oh joy! Howie @ Lunacobra.net apparently did the procedure, and afterwards John couldn’t bear to throw them away. So why feed them to the birds, what better thing to do than to wear them in his ears?
Once the no longer offensive nipples were removed, John kept them in his freezer until they turned into nipplicles , eventually thawed the nipplicles out, and let them dry so there wasn’t any moisture in them and then put a little resin in the bottom of some steel tunnels that he already wore in his lobes. Then he let it dry, chucked his nipples in, filled up the tunnels and let it dry overnight. Then, bingo, they were done.
If this wasn't strange enough, next he’s planning to get his navel removed (if he can find someone willing to do it and god knows where he is going to wear that) and has a tentative plan to swap part of his finger with someone else's. I'm surprised he didn't think to swap his ears with his nipples, then he can have his pierced ears with the resin cast nipples in them on his CHEST. What a treat! Article excerpts courtesy Bizarre Magazine UK.
The Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) is an independent US Government agency responsible for providing national security intelligence to senior US policymakers. This also includes a publication available for anyone to view called The World Factbook updated annually. In the Economy category, three fields have been added that focus on capital stocks and investment. They are "Stock of direct foreign investment - at home," "Stock of direct foreign investment - abroad," and "Market value of publicly traded shares." The CIA's World Factbook has a page on each country's current account balance. I can only assume to categorize which countries can be a threat to the CIA. Search for the United States on the page. It's there. After you find it, try to give it a few moments to sink in. Absorb the information and take it in context. See it in perspective and imagine. And these are just trade balances. I don't know about you but I think I'll be calling up China or even Canada the next time I want to party or need a loan. I'm not surprised who's last and I'm not surprised who's first either. What does shock me however, is that Canada is in the top 20.
I selected 'The Cut Ups' as the most maddening of the bunch, a collaborative film work of William Burroughs and Anthony Balch, which brings to cinema an extension of Burroughs' literary cut-up technique. After the first few "Yes and Hellos" you can understand why I'd want my 3 minutes and 13 seconds back. At least I am not subjecting you to the full 20 minute film. Yes? Hello!
Online therapy for the internet addicted hostile personality in you. Dr. Goode will not prescribe more happy pills and send you on your glassy eyed way, nope, she'll be brutally honest with you. Let the healing begin.
Apparently I am broken and can't be fixed. YAY!
Possibly Most Vague Street Sign Ever _________________________________________
Hey, I don't know about you but I like blowing my own horn on occasion. That is unless someone else is doing it for me. And I'll be damned if I can't blow my own horn anytime, anywhere I want. But especially if there is danger present. Maybe I'll blow it just a bit to see if anyone notices. Then blow some more just to make sure the horn still works. Maybe a third time to see if the fire brigade arrives. Why does this remind me of the fable 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf' all of a sudden?
Behold the Power of the Internet _________________________________________
A Jacksonville, Oregon man was the victim of terrorism, or perhaps a personal
vendetta or maybe just a cruel prank when belongings were stolen from his property in such a way that he has little chance of getting much of it back.
Police say the belongings were removed a day after a pair of hoax ads appeared on Craigslist. The ads popped up Saturday afternoon, saying the owner of the Jacksonville home was forced to leave the area suddenly and his belongings, including a horse, were free for the taking.
Man Marries Dog To Lift Curse _________________________________________
We have all heard the 'man bites dog' stories, but how about a real-life 'man marries dog' tale?! This one takes the biscuit, and it could only happen in India, the land of the Kama Sutra.
But you won't find this kind of love story between man and beast in the ancient Indian sex manual. It took place for real during a traditional hindu ceremony at a temple in the southern state of Tamil Nadu. The groom in question was a 33-year-old Indian farmer named Selvakumar, and he was wed to a female dog named Selvi.
He married his four legged bitch to atone for stoning two other dogs to death and stringing them up in a tree 15 years ago. He believed the act cursed him and he had been suffering ever since, he told the Hindustan Times. After he stoned the dogs he said his legs and hands got paralysed, he lost hearing in one ear, and his speech was impaired. With doctors unable to help him, Selvakumar turned to an astrologer who told him he was cursed by the spirits of the dogs he had killed.
He could undo the curse only if he married a dog and live with it, the soothsayer warned. Family members chose a stray female dog who was then bathed and clothed for the wedding occasion. Selvi the bride was brought to the temple by village women and a Hindu priest conducted the ceremony.
The paper showed a picture of Selvakumar sitting next to his canine bride, which was adorned in an orange sari and flower garland. The paper said the groom and his family then had a feast, while the dog got a bun.
It was reported that Selvi attempted to make a bolt for it -- apparently due to the big crowds -- but she was tracked down and returned to her new 'husband'. "The dog is only for lifting the curse and after that, he plans to get a real bride," a friend of the groom said.
Deeply superstitious people in rural India sometimes organize weddings to dogs and other animals, believing it can beat certain curses. Wow, talk about crime and punishment.
Frunkfart, Germany (Krapsody) - A German retiree is taking a hospital to court after she went in for a leg operation and got a new anus instead, according to FoxNews.com
When I read some German woman got a new a-hole, I thought it meant she got remarried...
If you think you’re having a bad day, at least you didn’t accidentally get a new anus. But if you did accidentally get a new anus, then yes, you are having a bad day.
Washingbum, D.B. - Legendary folk hero D. B. Cooper (aka "Dan Cooper", also "Dick Butt Cooper") is an alias of an aircraft hijacker who, on November 24, 1971, after receiving a ransom payout of US $200,000, jumped from the back of a Boeing 727 as it was flying over the Pacific Northwest of the United States somewhere over the Cascade Mountains, possibly over Woodland, Washington. And fell off the face of the earth, literally.
For the last 36 years, no conclusive evidence has surfaced regarding Cooper's whereabouts; the FBI believes he did not survive the jump. The entire bureau is hoping he is smoking a turd in hell.
Local authorities believes he landed safely after parachuting from the jet plane and went mad in the wilderness trying to find his way out, an ironic fate since Cooper had everything else planned out so well. Several theories offer competing explanations of what happened after his famed jump. Some say he made his way to Canada and bought a moose farm while others say he joined a traveling circus. These may well be a fate worse than death.
And so the nature of Cooper's escape and the uncertainty of his fate continue to intrigue people. The Cooper case (code-named "Norjak" by the FBI, and "Nowjackmeyhoffer" and "Kojak looks like Daddy Warbucks" by the United States BFI Dept.) remains an unsolved mystery.
A shot of D. B. Cooper's FBI wanted poster.
A shot of D. B. Cooper's BFI wanted poster.
Although the case is famous for its enduring lack of evidence, a few significant clues have arisen. The first clue: Cooper said, "I have a bomb, you are being hijacked". Then he jumped. In late 1978, a placard, which contained instructions on how to lower the aft stairs of a 727, believed to be from the rear stairway of the plane from which Cooper jumped, was found just a few flying minutes north of Cooper's projected drop zone. In February 1980, eight-year-old Brian Ingram found approximately $5,800 in decaying $20 bills on the banks of the Columbia River.
In October of 2007, the FBI announced it obtained a partial DNA profile of Cooper from the tie he left on the hijacked plane. On December 31, 2007, the FBI revived the unclosed case by publishing never before seen composite sketches and fact sheets online in an attempt to trigger memories that could possibly identify Cooper. In a press release, the FBI reiterated that it does not believe Cooper survived the jump, but expressed an interest in obtaining his identity. They express they have a hard time getting the big picture with such a small screen and acknowledge that they don't have a clue.
On Wednesday March 26, 2008, the FBI announced that another possible clue was being investigated after a torn, tangled parachute was unearthed within the bounds of Cooper's probable jump site near the town of Amboy, Washington. The FBI is still uncertain if the parachute was the one used by D. B. himself, but they are still investigating the origins of the chute and are relying on an expert's examination or scientific analysis of the fabric.
If it is Cooper's parachute, that will solve one mystery -- where he apparently landed -- but it will raise another.
If he survived, where in the plane-jacking-dropped-off-the-face-of-the-earth-sam-hell is he?
Canadian moose farms and traveling circus theories aside, he's probably working on his tan somewhere in Mexico, sipping margaritas, eating lots of tamales and smoking a cuban wrapped in $20 bills. However other sources state they spotted D. B. at a recent Mardi Gras festival, having the time of his life.
Easter Island (Krapsody) - Since Easter is here once again, what better time than to ask another burning question that has been on the minds of great thinkers from far and wide - this occurred to me as I stumbled across a lengthy, quarrelsome and hilarious discussion on BlogCatalog.com regarding whether or not Christians believe in dinosaurs. In lieu of challenging logically unanswerable questions answered with meaningless statements, I've decided to turn the tables and ask: Do dinosaurs believe in Christians?
Our newly self-appointed leader President Executron describes humans as oxygen breathing weakling organ sacks that will be replaced by shiny metal bots. Bow down before your robot masters!
The Darwin Awards described as 'A Chronicle of Enterprising Demises Honoring those who improve the species...by accidentally removing themselves from it!' The 2007 Winners have been announced! Let's hope none mentioned are related to you. And if they are, my condolences. May they forever be remembered as being courageous, throwing caution to the wind whenever the mood struck them... silly, unconscious or dead.
More astoundingly stupid judgments abound with the nominees for 2008, here are their final moments recorded for historians to chuckle, snicker and chortle at.
Chemistry Went Over Her Head 2008 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin
(2 February 2008, Bulgaria) It was a cold but sunny February afternoon. Lidia, a biology teacher from Sofia, was driving home from a memorial service, accompanied by her husband and a friend. Suddenly, the vehicle stopped. Bystanders saw all three occupants dash from the car to a nearby manhole, and start pouring down liquids and powders from various bottles and jars.
Apparently, Lidia had been doing chemistry experiments in her free time, and had some noxious chemicals left over. It is still not entirely clear what the chemicals were, but two of the bottles had labels: diethyl ether and methanol, both highly flammable substances. The former is also used as a sedative, so one explanation for their actions is that they felt dizzy from the ether vapors, and thought it was a good idea to pour them in the sewer.
As it turns out, a good idea it definitely was not. The cocktail of flammable substances in the enclosed space of the sewer caused an explosion so powerful that it launched the manhole cover into the air, decapitating the (briefly) surprised Lidia. Left without a head on her shoulders, she decided it was time to kick the bucket.
The other two people were not left unharmed, but were alive. They were taken to the hospital with burns on their faces. After several hours in the operating room, it appeared unlikely that they will regain their eyesight, but hopefully are able to speak well enough to tell their children that tossing random chemicals down the drain is not as wise as it might at first appear.
Wascally Wabbit 2008 Darwin Award Nominee Unconfirmed by Darwin
Snowmobiles and alcohol are a dangerous mix. Then came the rabbit.
After a day spent partying and racing snowmobiles in the wilderness, a group of snowmobilers headed back to their cabin. Up popped a jackrabbit! The snowmobilers gave chase. Several collisions were narrowly averted, and all snowmobiles backed off... except one.
This snowmobiler kept his eye on the quarry and rapidly closed in. The rabbit darted aside to save itself. The snowmobiler closed in again. The rabbit ran toward the road, where there was less snow. Trying to ram his rabbit before it crossed the road, the man accelerated to Mach 1. But the rabbit had other ideas. It escaped into the culvert beneath the road.
Witnesses stated that the snowmobiler never braked. There was a metallic crunch as the accelerating vehicle rammed into the culvert, followed by a blast that shattered the snowmobile into a thousand bits.
This brand of snowmobile had a fuel tank mounted in front. The culvert admitted the tip of the snowmobile, then cut into the cowling, spilling fuel over the hot engine. The body of the snowmobiler was blown twenty feet back into the field.
The rabbit's whereabouts was unknown.
Moderator Bruce speculates, "Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd?" Alternate title: "Hare Today, Gone Tomorrow"
Pulling a Boner 2008 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin
(2 February 2008, New York) A 50-year-old man was bird hunting in Upstate New York with his buddies and his faithful canine companion. They stopped for a smoke, and he noticed that his dog had found a bone. It was a deer leg! The man tried to take the bone away from the dog. Like any right thinking dog, the animal would not relinquish its treasure, and stayed just out of reach.
Frustrated with this blatant show of disobedience, the man grabbed his loaded shotgun by the muzzle and began wielding it like a club. Each time he swung it, the dog dodged. Suddenly the "club" struck the ground and fired, shooting the man in the abdomen. His friends called 911 and he was airlifted to a nearby hospital, where he died from his injuries.
He did remain conscious long enough to confirm this account to police; otherwise, his poor friends might now be under suspicion of murder.
At least he didn't hit the dog!
Pierced! 2008 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin
(January 2008, Pennsylvania) A 23 year old man with various body piercings decided to see what it would feel like to connect his workplace test equipment to his chest piercings. Several co-workers tried to convince him that it was a bad idea to connect himself to the electronic control tester. He ignored their pleas and proceeded to connect two alligator clips to his piercings. He hit the test button...
When the police and rescue personnel arrived, his co-workers were still trying to revive him with CPR and rescue breathing. They were not successful.
Talk about shock and awe.
And a few more honorable mentions that have made the nominee list so far.
Flaming Shot (near miss) Some friends and I were having drinks at a party. After consuming many cocktails, we had a 'BRILLIANT' idea to pour a shot of 'GRAIN ALCOHOL' and set it on 'FIRE' and drink it. I believe the ultimate goal was to impress the ladies present...
Pining Away (Unconfirmed) Three young men had finished their basic training and decided to spend their few days of leave with one's grandmother, before heading out to their respective assignments. Grandmother had a swing job to make ends meet, so the privates were left alone late into the night...
Into the Abyss (Unconfirmed) An enterprising lumberman jacked up the rear end of his pickup, attached one end of a rope to the tire rim, and the other end of the rope to a large felled tree. He put the pickup into gear, apparently expecting the rim to act as a makeshift rope crank that would pull the tree up the steep embankment...
What in the heck is Krapsody? Humor, comedy, satire, a medley of militant irony. Not Safe For Anyone, Anywhere at Anytime (NSFAAA). These are my scrawlings about anything I find funny, weird, or want to rant about. Add a dash of sarcasm, spoofs, parodies, some slapstick, some plebian rigmarole, and that gas producing potpourri makes this the place to find out of the ordinary humor. It's All Krap, All The Time. Hey, I didn't say it was EXTRAORDINARY humor, now did I? Suffer Pope!
