Japan Earthquake Linked to Charlie Sheen

Oh, no, they say he's got to go
Go go Sheenzilla.
(click to embiggen)

Thur. March 17, 2011

Mt. Godzuki, Japan (Krapsody) - Last Friday's magnitude 9.0 quake and subsequent tsunami killed upwards of 5,692, and more than 9,500 people are missing. Tens of thousands more are living in temporary shelters, but only a small handful have been evacuated.

The massive quake damaged a nuclear reactor plant at Fukushima, described by one NPR correspondent from Japan as "probably not as bad as Chernobyl," and another correspondent was quoted as saying, "It's just as bad as Nagasaki, Hiroshima, and Chernobyl combined. It must violate clean air rules by now I would think." Crews are working around the clock to stabilize the reactor before the situation gets any more out of hand.

Meanwhile many homeless citizens gathered around the growing fire at the plant to make shish kabobs and s'mores. One man remarked, "My teeth are glowing a brilliant neon green now, don't you agree?" as he smiled. Indeed his teeth were as green as it gets.


As the plume of radiation steadily spread towards the west coast of the United States, the panic reportedly triggered a rush to drug and health-food stores to buy potassium iodide tablets, which public-health officials say can reduce some, but not all, of the health risks posed by excessive amounts of radiation.

The concerns have largely arisen among the general public -- and not among many public-health officials and emergency management officials, who are expected to die first.

But most surprising are the eyewitness accounts that Charlie Sheen was in the area of the earthquake epicenter when the disaster occurred. Unconfirmed reports from groups of commercial fisherman who were nearby claim that "Sheenzilla" is responsible for the earthquake and the tsunami that have rocked Japan.

"Sheenzilla", as he is known affectionately by the Japanese, acquired the name due to his monstrous appetite for drugs, hentai, Japanese prostitutes dressed as schoolgirls, alcohol, cigarettes, power lines, cars, trucks, boats, houses and other buildings, television executives, and average citizens in that order.

One bystander, Hiroaki Gojira, who was out on his fishing vessel that day, claims that he heard a rumbling noise coming from the sea floor, and moments later saw Sheenzilla rise from the ocean, "He was yelling, 'I have proclaimed every brain cell in this Warlock brain to be a weapon of mass destruction. You've been warned!'" Hiroaki knew this was going to be bad.

"I thought to myself,
'Uh-oh, this is going to be bad,"
Hiroaki Gojira remarked
about sighting Sheenzilla.

"I thought to myself, 'Uh-oh, this is going to be bad," Hiroaki nonchalantly remarked.

Hiroaki's face, however, is permanently frozen in a look of horror. "Japan had not seen Sheenzilla in many years. And every time he show up he destroy things. So I had a camera with me and took his picture. It's like: Uh-oh, HOTDOG!"

According to another fisherman and the mayor of Fukushima, Yoshitoki Yakitori, Sheenzilla continued to rant, "He say, 'My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is Not an Option. Trolls need not apply (that mean you Denise). (hashtag)FASTBALL! The global inferno that is me, is now as molten and focused as my afterburners.'"

"Sheenzilla then shook head violently, and ranted more, 'Dogspeed cadres! You corporate Trolls were warned. And now you've been served! I have Squeezed Out The Perfect Torpedo! This Warlock is hungry. Must make more Torpedos! (hashtag)Tigerblood.'"

Yakitori alleges that Sheenzilla was frothing at the mouth. "He went on and on. Spittle was flying everywhere, 'WTF AM I TALKING ABOUT? That's right, WORLD...my mad genius! (hastag)WINNING! You asked for it Japan!'"

Hiroaki described what he saw next, "He raised his foot and slammed it back down into the ocean causing a huge wave to slowly rise and move inland towards Tokyo. Then he jumped up and down several times and shouted, 'CURVEBALL! It's time for another Guinness record!' And with one giant backflip Sheenzilla caused the subsequent disaster."

The Japanese government fears another attack by Sheenzilla. "If he comes back we are doomed. Our buildings are earthquake proof but they’re no match for Sheenzilla," said Yakitori. "We need your help stopping him! If we do not defend ourselves from Sheenzilla now, what will become of us?"

But eminent Japanese paleontologist Dr. Kyohei Yamane disagrees, "They are so wrong. Sheenzilla should not be destroyed, he should be studied. How can anyone be sure that this Sheenzilla is responsible for the disaster?"

However, CBS is taking a stand against Sheen, and so are many celebrities. Yoko Ono is planning a benefit concert to support disaster relief efforts under a "Sheenzilla is a Killa" banner.

Nevertheless Yakitori is doubtful, if not in strong opposition to Yoko getting involved. "What is she going to do? Has she sold an album since the 70s? This is no good. I don't know what worse. Yoko or Sheenzilla. I have to say Yoko in concert. This I know for sure."

"Japan probably better off if you donate direct to Red Cross, or develop tiger blood antidote in secret laboratory experiment. And then it's like...okay. Y'know?" Yakitori said.

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Listening to:
Blue Oyster Cult "Godzilla"