Holiday Anger Management - Part 2

Deck the halls with piles of caca, falalala la la la la!

When it rains, it pours. Or when it snows, it dumps...big piles all over your house trapping you in a icy death trap.

Ok, funny story.
To complicate things this holiday season my LAN line phone has been down since yesterday. No service! At all. Yesterday I called the phone company who provides us with our digital phone service, Cox Communications.

They also provide us with digital cable television and internet, it's conveniently called a "Bundled Service Plan". I call it "A Monumental Pain In The Ass Since I've Had It Plan". I think with a string attached to two tin cans I would have better phone service than what I've been getting up until this point. Anyway, long story short: they are complete morons.

Holiday Anger Management - Part 1

Tis the season to be angry at employers, psycho drivers, psycho shoppers, mothers screaming at their children, drunk mall Santas, rabid squirrels, and whatever the feck else I want - damned pus filled sacks of monkey krap you's!

Krapsody.com forums are down for maintenance, in case you were wondering. So you can add hosting services to the list of fail. But at least my blog and other sites are still up, luckily they aren't on a shared server or I'd really be screwed!

In the meantime here's to slapping the responsible party in the face.




Stay tuned here and to my SU Blog for more instant insanity. Just add water.

Kids blamed in Christmas Eve theft

Fri Dec 28, 10:41 PM ET
SOUTH BRUNSWICK, N.J. - Local police said it was a typical holiday Grinch tale: A home was broken into on Christmas Eve, and wrapped presents were stolen off a kitchen table.

Little did they know the culprits were kids!

Can you see Jesus?

Can you see Jesus? Or is it Elvis? I'm looking at this and I can't tell!



Man, are you sure that's supposed to be Jesus or a likeness of any religious prophet?
What did Jesus look like, have you ever really seen Jesus?

Because to me it looks like one of the members of A Polyphonic Spree, it could even be David Carradine from a moment in the tv show 'Kung Fu'... or maybe it's Elvis. It's Elvis! I knew it! It's a sign that he's alive!

Why, if I didn't know any better I'd say I was looking directly into the eye of God himself.

Praise dog sphincter it's a damn miracle!!!

And remember God spelled backwards is Dog.

Here's a short collection of comments on the referenced article at the NY Nerd's Blog: http://nynerd.com/can-you-see-jesus/

Bow down to doggy ass.

and

God created dog ass. Therefore it is a part of God. Jesus said everything was beautiful. A Dog’s ass is apart of everything. Jesus is God. Jesus created the Dog’s ass. Everything loves it's offspring. Jesus loves dog ass. Thus he can appear.

and

"Thank the Lord"? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.” - Superintendent Chalmers
Funniest thing ever said in The Simpsons

and

Thank you for Calling Jesus Entertainment Group.

Please listen to this message as options have changed.

If you wish to book Jesus(tm) at your next corporate event, press 1

If you wish to leave a voice mail message for Jesus(tm) or his wife Marymag, press 2

If you require licensing information on placing images of Jesus(tm) on honeybuns, pancakes, glass buildings,grilled cheese sandwiches or dog butts, press 3

IF you with to have information mailed to you about the fabulous new show ‘Candyman Jesus and the Tapdancing Jews’ please press 4

Or stay on the line and one of our delightful ‘Junkies for Jesus’ will help you with your entertainment needs. Remember, December is Kiddy party month, with special 15% off appearances by Jesus(tm) for a full 20 minutes including a small Fudgy the Chocolate Matzo Ball cake and A simple balloon animal for each kid.

and

Oh, man, I hate the fact that God is going to condemn me to an eternity of burning pain, just because I laughed at a dog’s butt. But, He is almighty and just, so I am sure that dog-butt-laughing is a mortal sin, even though I cannot see it just now. I will have all of eternity to reflect on my sin . . . you know, butt laughing. Sorry, Jesus.

In those other comments posted by haters, I find it hard to believe how gullible, how fanatical, serious, judgmental and self-righteous people are about a ridiculous harmless joke. All I can say is, "duh duhr dumb."

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Courtesy of: Radical Atheist - Think free

Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged

1. Schizophrenia
-- Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?

2. Amnesia
--I Don't Remember If I'll Be Home For Christmas

3. Narcissistic Personality Disorder
-- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

4. Bipolar Disorder (Manic Episode)
-- Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores
And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants And.......

5. Multiple Personality Disorder
-- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

6. Paranoid
-- Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us

7. Borderline Personality Disorder
-- You Better Watch Out, You Better not Shout, I'm Gonna' Cry, and I'll not Tell You Why!

8. Antisocial Personality Disorder
-- Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire

9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
-- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

10. Agoraphobia
-- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

11. Alzheimer's Disease/Senile Dementia
-- Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe

12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder
-- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

13. Social Anxiety Disorder
-- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

AND FINALLY:

14. Attention Deficit Disorder
-- We Wish You A......Hey Look!! It's Snowing!!!

Resolutions

The Top 12 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets

12. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
11. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.
10. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
9. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
8. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.
7. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
6. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my ass.
5. Always scoot before licking.
4. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
3. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.
2. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

and the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

1. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.





Top Ten Dumb Guy New Year's Resolutions

10. Eat more paint.
9. Remove glass from TV screen, crawl through into "Baywatch."
8. Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
7. Check on Eggos buried in backyard; see if "waffle tree" has grown yet.
6. I's gonna build me a spaceship!
5. Lose every pound of weight.
4. Remember to brush teeth with bristly end of toothbrush.
3. Don't eat medicine just because it looks like candy.
2. Oh who am I kidding, if it looks like candy -- it's candy.
1. Learn what the hell "resolution" means.



Happy New Year! Hopefully your resolutions are more thought out or you had NONE at all.

Queer Eye For the Santa Guy?

DISTURBING SANTA NO. 18

Only 3 days to go until Christmas, friends and neighbors.

Which means, of course, that this weekend will be Prime Holiday Party Time.

Lots of drinking, lots of unwanted mistletoe come-ons and a sleigh full of inappropriate gestures like this one:





I always wondered what happened to the leatherclad guy in the Village People....

Christmas card arrives 93 years late

This is the ultimate story of "Oops! Wha-happened?" by the USPS. It should be showcased on 'Sick Sad World' if it were a reality tv series. But enough of my sarcastic commentary. Nah, just kidding.

Fri Dec 14, 10:35 PM ET Courtesy of: Associated Press
OBERLIN, Kan. - A postcard featuring a color drawing of Santa Claus and a young girl was mailed in 1914, but its journey was slower than Christmas. It just arrived in northwest Kansas.
(And this is news how exactly? Talk about snail mail. I could probably walk, no... crawl my mail across town faster than it takes to mail it in my teeny tiny area on any given average day.)

The Christmas card was dated Dec. 23, 1914, and mailed to Ethel Martin of Oberlin, apparently from her cousins in Alma, Neb.

It's a mystery where it spent most of the last century, Oberlin Postmaster Steve Schultz said. "It's surprising that it never got thrown away," he said. "How someone found it, I don't know."
(That's such a relief to know how it was "found" by "someone"... perhaps they were rummaging through the 'unemptied 93 year old trash bin'?)

Ethel Martin is deceased (No shit?), but Schultz said the post office wanted to get the card to a relative.
(That's a nice sentiment Schultz. It's the thought that counts, 93 years late is better than never. It may have been Ethel's only contact with her relatives in years and likely dozens if not hundreds of your postal representatives were too drunk or too dense to use a map & realise that Kansas is a far cry from Illinois.)

That's how the 93-year-old relic ended up with Bernice Martin, Ethel's sister-in-law. She said she believed the card had been found somewhere in Illinois.
(I'm just surprised it didn't end up in Canada, ok... bad geography joke. Nevermind the spell check joke then.)

"That's all we know," she said. "But it is kind of curious. We'd like to know how it got down there."
(Honestly, so would I. I'm sure most people who read this national story would. In fact someone out there reading it was probably thinking, "I should have sent my x-mas present MUCH sooner". But some things will continue to remain a mystery, like Bigfoot, the Lochness Monster, if Elvis is still alive and the secret ingredient(s) in Crispy Creme Donuts.)

The card was placed inside another envelope with modern postage for the trip to Oberlin — the one-cent postage of the early 20th century wouldn't have covered it, Martin said.
(Oh, dear, you mean "someone" had to splurge after 93 years and come up with the other .40 cents for postage & "handling"? What will they ever do now, how will their kids go to college? Oh my gawd, dear lord in heaven, it's a miracle! ...that the post office has delivered any mail correctly since.)

"We don't know much about it," she said. "But wherever they kept it, it was in perfect shape."
(Hmm, looks like somebody is on Santa's Naughty List this year. And for once it's not me.)

The Writers Guild Strike

Imagine if the Writers Guild of America strike continues and they just pull in average Janes and Joes off the street to write episodes for our favorite shows?

This is what it might be like:

Steve Carell in a unanimous decision will be written out of future episodes of "The Office". He will inform staff he's unable to report to work because he is suffering from “enlarged balls.” I can't wait to try this one at work.....

"House" will get a new character called "Dr. Doom and Gloom", who will be twice the sourpuss Dr. Gregory House is. His trademark will include informing patients that they only have six months to live after they've been examined and found to just have the common cold.

"Desperate Housewives" stars will find their characters having multiple orgies with each other. They will murder/suicide each other off one character at a time until there are none. The show will then consist of three weeks of static until it is taken off the air.

The final episode of "Lost" will be written by Polish and German street performers who will give a very interesting take on what it really means to be "Lost"--the fact that the survivors of "Lost" will be found! ...On a tiny island 5 miles off the coast of Tasmania. Segue to a horrendous polka musical version of the entire series of "Lost" that will be re-enacted in 30 seconds, followed by a tedious three hour recap of this episode.

Late Night shows like "Conan", "The Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno", and others will be written by homeless persons handpicked off the streets of L.A., who despite being drunk, strung out on drugs, or in some cases criminally insane, will condense all the shows with the same scripts. They will tell the same jokes, have the same skits, and in some cases even the same guests--including broadcasting unknowns via webcam in N.Y. to shows in L.A. and vice versa. Yes, none of it will make sense. Leno/Conan/Kimmel's opening lines every night will consist of "Why did the chicken cross the road?" and "Yo momma so ugly" jokes.

"Heroes" will turn into a pornographic version where all characters on the show use their powers to get "jiggy with it". The catch phrase "Save the cheerleader, save the world" will be replaced by "Screw the cheerleader, screw everyone and everything in sight". Of course certain sectors of the general public will be intrigued by this turn of events--and will actually tune in--making "Heroes" a once again never ending go nowhere popular series.

The "Daily Show" will be written only once a month thus becoming "The Monthly Show"...

"Battlestar Galactica" will start featuring characters and re-enacting scenes from "Star Wars", "Star Trek", and "Doctor Who". The Wookies will destroy the Cylons and the Klingons will kill everyone.


Or maybe we'll all just be stuck watching "Knightrider" and "Walker: Texas Ranger" reruns?



Comic Billy Eichner talks to people on the street about the ongoing writers strike.

The Fifth Element = Blonde Bimbo Lesson

Bimbo (def) per Urban Dictionary:
A girl who is not so bright, wears lots of make up and is obsessed with boys, shopping and clothes. Generally blonde but there are exceptions.
You can spot them because they will be the big group of girls that all look the same and are giggling hysterically.
Woman who is not attractive enough to be a model, not intelligent enough to be an actress, and not nice enough to be a poisonous snake.
A bread brand that has been discovered on holiday in spain...can also be found in south america.

What can we learn from a bimbo?

Watch the outtakes around 3:40, it speaks volumes.



A totally unrelated topic:
I wonder what the meaning behind the word "jactitation" is?

Truth be known, I might have been a straight 'A' student if I had more teachers like her... nah! I wouldn't have gotten any work done. I would have been in a constant state of jactitation.

It Takes All Kinds

Little Rock, AR - Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and hit a tree near Cotton Plant on State Highway 38 early one Monday morning.

Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock were listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center.

The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a cat-gigging trip. (Note to city slickers, cat-gigging, or cat-sticking, is how, armed with a small pitchfork), you catch cats from the bayou bank.

Cats make a tasty supper.. ? . . . apparently.

On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column.

Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White river Bridge.

After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right
testicle.

The vehicle swerved sharply to the right, exiting the pavement and striking the tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.

"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off or we might now be dead!" said Wallis.

"I've been a trooper for I0 years in this part of the world," said Deputy Snyder, "but this is a first for me. I cant believe that those two would admit how the accident happened."

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavina, Poole's wife, asked how many cats the boys had caught, and did anyone think to get them from the truck.

"True" story. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

World-wide hops shortage, sucks for beer drinkers

According to a recent NPR broadcast there is a world hops shortage.
The report clearly outlines harbingers of the apocalypse!


World-wide hops shortage = bad times for beer drinkers

Nooooooooooooo!

Thanks to what I can only assume are a series of "global warming" calamities- Australian drought, European hail storms and American heat- the world supply of hops is at an all-time low. Enter the grim arithmetic: you need hops to make beer. When you run out of hops, you run out of beer. And the existing beer gets way more expensive. As much as 10 per cent more expensive, in fact.

Conclusion: all kinds of bad news.

Apparently, brewers may have to discontinue certain kinds of beer, and look for hops alternatives to continue making others. Brian Titus, president of Halifax’s Garrison Brewing Company, had this to say:

“It’s bordering on disastrous actually. If you don’t have hops then you don’t have beer. So maybe you find something that smells similar but doesn’t have the same taste profile and it doesn’t have the same bitterness.”

In other words, find something that tastes nothing like beer. Super duper.

Nunc Scio Labs reports that development of my own hops substitute, Faux-Hops or ‘Fops’, is proceeding apace. However, roll-out is being complicated by a trademark lawsuit launched by the “Mincing 17th Century Pantaloon-wearing Dandy Enthusiasts” club out of Salzburg, who claim to own the rights to the word Fop. Damn dandies.

Sweet, sweet hops. Thou art a cruel mistress.

If the mark of a true man is how he performs under severe duress then we are about to separate the men from the boys. Needless to say I’ll fall into the ‘cry like a schoolgirl’ type of boy.


Too bad they don't have 'global beer map' to find a cool one, it's because of those limeys in the UK where beer is cheaper than water.

Thanks Britain!

The top 15 scares for men

What scares the krap outta the male species?

Guys may discuss some fears. Here are ones they won't.

 

You probably think you know what frightens most men. A long-weekend at the in-laws' place. Antiquing. Shopping. Running out of beer in the third quarter. But that's just the stuff he'll admit to being afraid of, which, by definition, means they're not his true deep fears. So how can you determine what those are? Easy: They're the ones he'll almost never talk about. But I will.

Let's count down through the Scary Fifteen:

#15 Hair in the drain. The first sign of male pattern baldness brings a man face-to-follicle with a skimpy aspect of his future. And it's always earlier than he expects or wants (which is, like, never). Logically, men know that baldness is as much of a part of life as Leno making Britney jokes. Logically, men know that being bald doesn't mean that they're any less smart, virile, or successful. Logically, men know that women don't care how much hair their men have. Logically, men know there are plenty of bald men who are comfortable in their skin--no matter how much of it they're showing. But when it first happens, it feels like stepping on a scale and being 20 pounds heavier or waking up in high school with a quarter-sized nose pimple. It's the inevitable and uncontrollable change in appearance that men try so desperately to protect. Maybe even more importantly, this moment when a man starts losing his hair says a lot about him-whether he's cool enough to handle it, or anxious enough to attempt to deny it with combovers, Rogaine, or faith healers.

#14 Getting caught noticing another woman.  A man's instinctual response to visual stimulation very rarely has anything to do with his current relationship or how he feels about it. But his lizard brain reacts instantly, and before he knows he's doing it, he's looking at someone else. We hate having to explain behaviors that even we don't fully understand.

#13 Rejection. Doesn't matter whether it happens after a job interview, or at a bar, or on the basketball court. And remember, there's a difference between losing and being outright rejected. Men can handle losing a game or having a bar conversation disintegrate into nothing. But the proud creatures that men are, they hate having their shots blocked. Mainly, that's because it means that someone else has the upper hand-and is gloating about it.

#12 Super Nanny.

#11 Speedos.

#10 His dad's death. It's his most powerful moment of a reflection, as he thinks about his own mortality. Becoming the family patriarch is heavy stuff. For many men, it's a life-changing moment, because they think about what their fathers did for them and what they failed to do. The next step: Considering what they need to do to be better dads and better men themselves--which means they must confront their own failures, as well. That's a lot for a grief-stricken man to deal with. He should get some latitude to do that in his own way. For him, reaching out may be through what seem like misdirections--more chatter about fishing with friends, an extra set of tickets to the Phillies showdown with the Mets. But guys need a reason to get together; the talk will come during a slow point in the 6th inning, or in the car on the way home.

#9 Her tears. Men know it's natural, that women need to do it, and that it's a signal that they better provide something more than just a tissue-even though many men have no clue what that something might be. Men have been told that women cry for all kinds of reasons-to release some emotions, to get our attention, or just because dammit, The Bachelor rose ceremony is so stinkin' sad. Men want to do the right thing, but because men don't navigate those falling waters very often, they probably do the wrong thing more often than not. Which is another reason why they fear her emotional tsunami.

#8 Being a lousy lover. Of all the things that men want to happen in bed, pleasing their women ranks near the top of the list, according to a national Men, Love, and Sex survey by Harris Interactive. Men hate to think that women may be bored, unimpressed, or unsatisfied. Maybe it's an ego thing (okay, it is an ego thing), but men do very genuinely care about how much pleasure a woman is having in bed. That's why the faking thing drives men so crazy. To men, feigned pleasure is code for: You're so damn terrible at this, but there there, little fella, I'm gonna make you feel good about your inadequate self. Men want to know what women want, and they want to be successful in delivering it.

#7 Not being a god to his kids. There comes a time when men don't care much about what strangers, co-workers, friends, in-laws, or anybody else thinks about them. But when a kid articulates his father's flaws, it's the ultimate heart crumbler. Men know that sometimes they work too much or are too short-fused or simply fall short on the hero-dad meter, but deep down, they know it's the most important job that they're going to do. And if they don't do it right, they know there's a significant chink in their masculine armor.

#6 Living paycheck to paycheck. Even though men aren't the only hunters and providers anymore, they still feel a deep evolutionary pull to provide the backbone and protection for their tribe. When men lose money, can't make enough money, or are scrounging for money, it can be an emotional disaster-it makes them feel like they're losing control in their lives.

#5 Beautiful women. Few things intimidate men more than IRS audits and 12-foot birdie putts. A beautiful woman is one of them. A beautiful woman-whether spotted at work, in bookstores, driving in the next lane, anywhere-simply has the power to turn a man of steel into creamed corn. Men know this. Men try to resist this. Ultimately, it's a challenge. Beauty may be a short-lived form of power, but it is profound, and nearly all men cower before it. It can make them do really, really stupid things.

#4 Getting naked. Ladies shouldn't think that they're alone in fleshy hang-ups. Guys are just as concerned about what women will initially think about their body hair, muscles, guts, toes, and other parts. Men are deeply aware that they can be too fat, too skinny, too hairy, too smelly, and while men are eager to revel in a woman's body, they also share anxiety about revealing their own.

#3 Tofurky...................Yes, tofurky.

#2 Not seeing his kids grow up. Death, of course, scares everyone-not so much for the bad stuff that may happen to them, but for missing out on all the good stuff that will happen to their kids. Or, worse yet, not being around to protect them from the bad stuff.

# 1 Public humiliation. Here's one that will make even the strongest men cave: Looking weak. Whether a man is extremely secure-or insanely insecure-about himself, he's worries that he'll look incompetent, idiotic, or both. Doesn't matter whether it's a zipper malfunction, an off-color joke he mistakenly slips in during a speech, a dismissive statement by a boss in a department meeting, fumbling the fly ball at a softball game, getting arrested for fighting after his kid's soccer game, whatever. It's one thing to make mistakes. But making the reputation-damaging ones in public is tough to take. That's because as much as men try to protect their homes, their families, their appearance, and their jobs, perhaps the most nerve-wracking job of all is protecting the thing they can't cure with money, with effort or with laser hair removal: their reputations.

What secretly scares you? Fess up and share it here or forever stay neurotic.

Countdown Election Funnies

This was from last November but I think it still applies.

Extreme Beer Pong

What can you do with some cups of water and a few chairs?

I want everyone who watches this video to forward it to
their parents. Then I want you all to encourage your
parents to forward it to their friends, their coworkers…
basically everyone they know. Why? Because I want this
kid's parents to see what he's been up to this semester.

Chad: (answers phone) Whaaazzzzaaaaaap?!

Chad's Dad: Chad? This is your father.

Chad: Daaaaad. Whazzzzzzaaaap?!

Chad's Dad: We need to have a talk.

Chad: (silent)

Chad's Dad: I saw a video of you on the YouTube.

Chad: Ohh… yeah? Sweeeeeet.

Chad's Dad: You must have spent a lot of time learning how
to do that.

Chad: Dude, bro, check it… I've been under like mad stress
this-

Chad's Dad: I'm not paying $30,000 a year for you to learn
how to throw ping pong balls into some plastic fucking
cups.

Chad: No, dad… it's not like tha-

Chad's Dad: You know all your posters are crooked, right?

I don't want him to get into serious trouble with his folks
or anything… just enough that he needs to get a job. Maybe
then he'll stop wearing his hat like that.

Old Man Falls Up An Escalator

Awesome Video Of The Day:

Old Man Falls Up An Escalator



I feel kind of bad about posting this. On the one hand, it’s kind of mean-spirited to laugh at an old person falling up an escalator, but on the other hand, you know, people falling down is funny. Kurt Vonnegut once said that he thought people falling down was the funniest thing in the world, and he was a “Humanist” so I think that means it’s okay to laugh at. Then again, guess how Vonnegut died earlier this year?

Yup - falling down.

At any rate, I’m really only posting this to demonstrate how FULLY it’s possible to fall down. Not in terms of extreme heights or speeds (we’ve all seen videos of people face planting harder than this), but in terms of THOROUGHNESS. I’ve never seen a more drawn-out fall in my entire life. It takes an eternity.

Did he think it was going DOWN instead of up? If so, why was he trying to get on? That would’ve put him right where he wanted before he even stepped onto the escalator. Maybe there’s no point in diagramming a SICK 360°. Bottom line? It’s funny when people fall down. End of story.

Video Dating Service

This is possibly the best dating video... ever.

What woman wouldn't want to date that guy? ..........anyone?

Four Queens Beat A Straight

Four queens beat a straight not only applies to card games like poker.

Krap Video 2

Krap Video

I am also a creator of amateur video!
By amateur I mean "shit". Just like this...

Fake money doesn't fool strippers

SMYRNA, Tenn. - A man who authorities say used his computer to make fake $100 bills to buy lap dances at a strip club has pleaded guilty to counterfeiting charges, federal prosecutors said.



BUsTeD!!

Strippers at Deja Vu in Nashville were suspicious of the bills and called police after Damon Armagost spent $600 of the fake money April 16, authorities said.



Stripper and counterfeiter caught on camera


When officers arrived, Armagost first told them he got the money when he sold gold coins for $1,400 to an unidentified person.


Unidentified person(s) identified!!

U.S. Secret Service agents later determined that counterfeit bills with the same serial number had been passed in other parts of the country. When they went to Armagost's Smyrna home, about 20 miles southeast of Nashville, a family member told agents that an image of a $100 bill had been on a computer there.

Armagost then acknowledged that he had downloaded the image from the Internet and printed 14 of the bills, prosecutors said. He pleaded guilty Friday to manufacturing and passing counterfeit currency and has a sentencing date of Nov. 5.

MorphThing

MorphThing morphs faces: give it two people and it'll combine them, to create a new person with the facial features of both.

You can use faces from hundreds of famous people on their site, or register to upload and morph pictures of your own.

And unlike other morphing software, MorphThing is completely free and online. No download is required! This thing is awesome!

Just see for yourself!

Where you can take these

Lindsay Lohan & Steve Carell




And you get this



A twenty-something year old virgin.

OR

Angelina Jolie & Gollum

This is their love child, YEAH BABY!



PRECIOUS!

Caption This

Here's a group of kids having fun.....?
But what about the one who looks a bit too eager, a psychotic future serial killer?
You decide.

President Bush in his own words

George W. Struggles to bring higher thought to the masses.

There's no place like home for Lindsay Lohan

—well, except maybe for rehab. Horrible at acting and singing, let's
hear it for rehab yah! Every teen starlet needs an outlet and a break
from it all at a great retreat right? Li-Lo, 21, charged with drunk
driving and possessing cocaine enters rehab, is released then re-enters
rehab in an attempt to one up her peers Britney Spears, Paris Hilton
and Nicole Ritchie. Read more about her drunken-coke whore escapades.

read more

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Flying Raccoon

Just because. Everyone wants a flying raccoon...



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WARNING - NEW SCAM

Watch out for this scam. Police are urging visitors to the city center

to be especially vigilant for a new gang operating a slick routine that

is aimed at stealing from unwary persons. They say that the gang usually

comprises four members, one adult and three younger ones.

While the three younger ones, all appearing sweet and innocent, divert

their "mark" (or "intended target") with a show of friendliness and fun,

the fourth -- the eldest -- sneaks in from behind the person's back to

expertly rifle undetected through his or her pockets and/or purses or

bags for any valuables being carried.

The attached picture taken is from CCTV operating in the inner city

shows the gang in operation.

Aflac!

Fans honor "World's Worst Poet"

The land that gave the world bag pipes, haggis, the kilt and Rob Roy also has the dubious honor of producing the "world's worst poet." Now fans of the hapless William McGonagall are campaigning to put him in the pantheon of Scottish literary greats. See why McGonagall had to learn how to make salsa.

read more | digg story

Bush Beat Boxes

This is pretty funny, & pretty sad as it's indicative of the extent of Bush's talent(s). If only he really could "beat box"...then all would be good in the world. YEAH BOI!

Dave Chappelle: If The Internet Was Real

This is an awesome clip from the Dave Chappelle show.
He wonders what the world would be like if it was like the internet.




I'd say that's the most realistic impression of the internet. What do you think?
Now..I've got to go. I have some Viagra ads/porn/warez/illegal mp3's to download!

See ya when I sees ya!

Dave Chapelle: For What It's Worth Clip

Nasty Accident On Japanese Game Show

Kayutsama Hagasuki breaks fall of ancient tree!
See for yourself...

Friendship Test

Teste teste

Whale 'vomit' sparks cash bonanza!!

Did someone cry perfume?

In January of 2006 an Australian couple picked up an odd-looking fatty lump from a quiet beach and they are in line for a cash windfall.

Leon Wright and his wife took home a 14.75kg lump of ambergris, found in the innards of sperm whales and used in perfumes after it has been vomited up. Sought after because of its rarity, ambergris can float on the ocean for years before washing ashore. Worth up to $20 a gram, Mr Wright's find on a South Australian beach could net his family US$295,000 (£165,300).

At first, Mr Wright and his wife Loralee left the strange lump on the beach where it was found. However, two weeks later the couple returned to Streaky Bay and found it still lying there.

Floating gold?

Curious, Mrs Wright persuaded her husband to take it home.

"I immediately decided it was ambergris - it couldn't be anything else," Mr Jury told Australia's ABC radio.

Mythologised for thousands of years, ambergris has been referred to as "floating gold" by scientists and scavengers who long for a windfall amid the surf. Expelled from the abdomen of the giant sperm whale, often while hundreds of kilometres away from land, ambergris is a natural excrement thought to be used by the whale as a digestion aid. The hard beaks of giant squid, a main source of food for the whale, have often been found inside lumps of ambergris.

Initially, ambergris is a soft, foul-smelling waste matter that floats on the ocean.But years of exposure to the sun and the salt water of the ocean transform the waste into a smooth, exotic lump of compact rock that boasts a waxy feel and a sweet, alluring smell.

"It's quite remarkable when you think about it, because when the whale throws this out, it's discarded material that they can't digest," Mr Jury explained.

"[But] after 10 years, it's considered clean and all you're getting then is the wonderful musky, very sweet perfume, which I've got to say is ultra smooth - it's unbelievable."

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/4642722.stm

AMBERGRIS FACTS

Found in warm water oceans around the world

Bile secreted by sperm whales as a digestion aid

Solidifies and floats on water, sometimes for years

Used in perfumes, medicines, flavourings

Banned in US under endangered species legislation

Internet investigations failed to resolve the mysterious matter of the lump's identity, so the couple turned to local marine ecologist Ken Jury for help.

MORE FACTS HERE

http://www.rsmas.miami.edu/support/lib/seas/seasQA/QAs/a/ambergris.html

o_O

Learn somethin new everyday.

I guess barf from a sperm whale is better than sperm from a barf whale?

Here's a sperm whale in action as I recorded the process of ambergris being evacuated from the depths of the sperm whale's bowels, not unlike the way a cat vomits up it's hairballs...

Click the button for Sperm Whale entertainment.

The Top 15 Hard-To-Find Toys

Some of these are Michael Jackson's favorites, I'll let you figure out which ones...

WHEN HAMSTERS ATTACK

When Hamsters Attack is the #1 website for Hamster Attack Prevention or H.A.P. The best ways to prevent a hamster attack is to stay away from tiny exercise wheels. Do not play "Cher's Greatest Hits" on your boom box. This music has been known to make gerbils go berserk, and may have a similar effect on hamsters. Do not dress entirely in red clothing. You might be mistaken for a giant apple, which most hamsters consider to be a delicious treat.

The most famous of all hamsters was Abrahamster Lincoln.

Killer hamsters were bred in Amsterdam. Scientists in Amsterdam conducted genetic experiments and took chromosomes from a zombie, and a group of stoned and unassuming college students enjoying their spring break in Holland....so basically the same thing. This potent concoction had disastrous consequences and the end result was a hamster so terrifyingly out of control not even the TSA could stop them from entering the country.

I'll be honest with you; hamsters are pretty gangster.

This hamster had the largest black market Pokemon collection
known to children everywhere (that's illegal in case you didn't know it).
He killed 300 FBI agents with his bare paws.

Hamsters know how to pimp their hoes.

Hamsters can smuggle a kilo of cocaine or heroin in their cheeks.
Just keep stuffing it in. It'll fit!!

They hijack commercial airliners.

I will kill you.

So if a hamster is chasing you, climb up a tree and hang onto one of the branches. But be forewarned: if the hamster waves at you, do not wave back. (It's a cunning hamster trick). If you are attacked by a hamster, curl up into a ball and lie motionless on the ground. Most hamsters don't live past the age of three, so be patient.