Ask Static: Part Forsaken

Before I get to the nitty gritty of a reader's email, the fourth question for Krapsody's advice column, Ask Static, I trust everyone is having a good holiday so far this year. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours from Krapsody.

Be safe kids. We will have no drunken carousing while trying to shoot a turkey at the last minute, and taking out your foot instead. Also, please refrain from slaughtering turkeys in the background while a former vice-presidential candidate is doing a television interview. That is just really poor taste. Thank you.

Now that we have that covered, I'm sifting through the rubbish that is my email, and Great Scott, what's this? This one looks interesting. Yes, I think this one is quite good.

Krapsody's Nottie of the Week™ #3 and #4

Once upon a time, some freak consumed blue cotton candy, marshmallows, and crack. Then shit out the Smurfs. My greatest achievement? I created Krapspot Personals.

Here's installments 3 and 4 of the Nottie of the Week™ series. I've just been absolutely swamped, so I wasn't able to post #3 up last week. So here are the submissions. Beware they may tickle YOUR fancy. You know where to respond... right here! And you have our sympathies should you be so inclined.

Some of you may remember Kearney from the animated tv show, "The Simpsons". Well, he's real, he's grown up as much as he could 'til now, and he's still a loser. His long list of repulsive turn-ons include: bullying children, hairy chests, elderly women's underpants, Comic Book Guy, and hunchbacks named Sven.

Kearney, seriously. The gay Teutonic thrash metal scene is dead. Even Udo Dirkschneider thinks you suck, pig-boy. Do humankind a favor: go juggle pin-less grenades while riding a wild boar through a minefield, you Grandma-chasing bloomer fetishist. Now that's a killer song, or a kick ass Simpson's episode!


And whom do we have here, or I should say, what on God's Green EARTH do we have here?

 

All I can say is... sheesh! Christ jesus, is it Halloween again, already? That's one hella ugly beast. I don't think I've seen anyone that fugly in a long, long time. And it won't be too soon, should it happen again. Damn your eyes.

Iona, pay attention and listen up. You are possibly the ugliest person in the world, but until someone uglier comes along, you'll do just fine. This personal ad makes people want to choke on their own vomit. You are scaring people away, they fear they'll be trampled to death by a herd of your bargain-hunting friends at a summer sale. Please, go where no-one has ever been before - and stay there.

I had a funny feeling that when I set up a place for personal ad submissions, that the quality of people would be absolute krap. Little wonder with all the freaks out there in internet land. Perhaps those two would make a great couple. I just hope they don't procreate, because unchecked reproduction will be the end of all things.

Gee, you know I can't wait to see what kind of profiles are awaiting me in my inbox for next weeks reviewing. I'm sure it will be more grief, wailing and gnashing of teeth. But then I might not have anything to write about, and you might not have anything to read... until next time.

What do you think - would you date either of the persons above? Leave me your comments at the link below.

Kim Jong Missing?

Fri Nov. 21, 2008

PYONGYANGSWEETPOONTANG, North Korea (Krapsody) -- North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il has been suffering from serious health problems, and may have had a stroke, perhaps he has just lost what's left of his mind, U.S. lack-of-intelligence officials told Krapsody Tuesday -- the same day Kim missed a parade celebrating the 60th anniversary of the Communist nation.

But other sources say that Kim Jong Il made the remark that he's reportedly fed up with being in the public eye, and wants to be even more elusive and mysterious like Batman, Howard Hughes, or his personal hero, Pee Wee Herman. He already has the eccentric and rich parts down pat.

A recently released photograph of Jong-Il was supposed to prove that he's alive and well. Instead, it's raising even more suspicions about his health because the photo appears to have been doctored.

 

  

While the legs of his soldiers cast a shadow at a sharp angle, the shadow of the “Dear Leader” is dead straight. In addition, there's a black line running horizontally behind the soldiers’ legs, but it mysteriously disappears behind Mr. Elusive and Mysterious.


A closer look reveals a possible culprit.

 

Yes, his farts are that strong, really. His farts are the main causes of disrupting radio transmissions and satellite images of his country. They've even been known to cause solar flares. Scientists aren't even sure just how much his flatulence may have affected the entire universe.

But enough of that, we could go on and on in speculation about his lack of recent public appearances until the mind spins. Let's just see what the reclusive shmo has really been up to.

Krapsody purchased these rare and unseen photos of Kim and his whereabouts since his "disappearance." These candid moments are a typical Saturday evening for Kim.

A little fun with Where's Waldo Jong Il? 

Eww. Hanging at home in his underwear - drinking, belching, and farting. 

 
Trying out his new poker face. 

That's it. Pretty much the same old stuff I see. Of course I imagine he's also been doing plenty of posing in platform shoes in front of those wonderful backdrops he's so famous for..just to kill time. It must be difficult to be such a mad genius with no goals, direction, or purpose. Kim must feel pretty isolated right about now.


Kim if you are out there reading this; cheer up, the world is your oyster, you need to get out more. I've got a fantastic idea. You have a horrible singing voice and you have those creepy sunglasses. You should be a Yoko Ono impersonator.

Now doesn't that make you feel better?

Gloria in Excelsis Deo

Mon Nov. 17, 2008

Drama, Greece (Krapsody) - A sad day for Krapsody as one of our reporters, Gloria Phlogiston, was done in at a motocross track yesterday evening while taping a story about the dangers involved with motorcycle racing. The captured footage gives a horrifying glimpse of when stunts go wrong, such as her coverage of the world speed record made in a jet powered wheelchair that ended in the deaths of well over 90 people in September.

Contained in the video clip you will see that Gloria is sitting on the tailgate of a large truck which has been rigged with pyrotechnic special effects and includes a hidden motorcycle that is supposed to fly out the back of the truck and detonate the explosives. The motorcycle appears momentarily in the background behind Gloria, the pyrotechnics erupt with a brief flash igniting Gloria's hair and microphone, whereupon she catches fire, curses and collapses to the ground.

Krapsody's Nottie of the Week™ #2!

Back by popular demand, a second installment of Krapsody's Nottie of the Week™!

For your viewing pleasure, our newest member. Lou Zar, a 24 year-old garbage man from Shitsville, USA. Drop me an email to let me know if you'd like to meet this charmer.

Well, by the looks of Lou's profile, he seems rather confused as to how to submit a good picture and properly lie about himself in order to get a date. He probably doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his ass on a regular basis. Maybe someone will appreciate his sense of humor.

Lou if you are reading this, you are nothing more than the words used to dismiss you. Do yourself and everyone else a favor: either pull the glove over your entire head until you suffocate, or fasten a boulder to your clubfoot and go parachuting off the steep side of Mount Everest. I hope that in the future, you will kindly submit more appropriate photos before assaulting unsuspecting readers of this blog with your visual atrocities.

Tune in next week for the next maladjusted, mattress-soiling dreg of the Internet.

Ladies and Gentlemen: The 44th President of the United States of America

The day Senator Barack Obama was elected the 44th president of this great land, marks an important day in history. In fact, apparently the whole world thought so too. Thousands, nay millions, perhaps billions of people were freaking out all over the planet. Dancing, parading, waving banners of praise in the streets; once again falling in love with the USA and it's leader after many years of being repulsed by it. I wonder how George W. felt about all that? Talk about being the most unpopular guy ever.

Obama's First Task as President

Washington, D.C. (Krapsody) - As you all know, unless you are living under a rock, or in a cave, America has chosen it's new leader. We give you President Barack "the Brock" Obama. America's first whitest "black" president.

American voters did face the most difficult of all decisions in last night's election. Polls indicated that after Obama's infomercial on Oct 30, many voters were confused as to whether to vote Obama, and they'd receive a free set of Ginsu knives and a Bedazzler; or whether to vote McCain and receive a senior citizen Wal-Mart greeter with Alzheimer's, and a grinning redneck dressed in Banana Republican outerwear shooting squirrels in their backyard. Certainly a tough decision by any standards.

Pantless Trouble in Utah

Mon Oct. 27, 2008

Salt Lake City, Utah (Krapsody) - A woman was escorted from a TRAX train Monday morning after fellow riders reported that she was not wearing any pants. Yes, not wearing any pants.

Around 7:30 a.m., Utah Transit Authority officers bum rushed the woman and escorted her off the train. They proceeded with interrogating her inside a musty janitor closet on a small, uncomfortable wooden chair under a bright lamp at the 5400 South station in Midellanowhere, Utah.

After the officers argued over who was going to play out "good cop, bad cop" and finally "sauntering cop, shimmying cop" roles with the "nekkid" woman, they suddenly realized she was in fact wearing a miniskirt. Her coat was covering the skirt, leading fellow riders to stare at, and their evil gossiping wives to believe she was not wearing anything beneath her waist, said UTA spokesman Harry Ballsack-Slapper (who is a Mormon and has thirteen wives).

After the retarded Nazis interviewed the woman and realized their error, they let her get back on the train and continue her ride, with some psychological scarring and a little less dignity than when she started her trip perhaps.

The moral of the story is to make sure that your fellow passengers don't decide that you aren't wearing pants, even though you are. So maybe you shouldn't wear any just in case you get pulled from a train in Utah. Just be sure to wear a coat that covers that miniskirt you're wearing, because if you were really naked that would be wrong... and disturbing.

Since hardly anything newsworthy happens in Utah other than the usual polygamist prosecution cases, people getting thrown from trains and re-enactments of the Mountain Meadows Massacre of Sept. 11th, 1857, here is an unrelated story; On Thursday, a fire gutted the Salt Lake City, Utah library causing $6.95 worth of damage . . . It could have been worse but someone had the coloring book checked out.

Story taken from The Salt Lake Tribune article, 10/27/08