Middle Finger Tired Of Being Overused Cliche Gesture Ends It All

Middle Finger, Vancouver, BC, Canada - The middle finger (also the long finger or bird finger, and usually the longest finger) took his own life today. First responders to the scene say there was no note left behind explaining why middle finger did it. Since this may lead to speculation as to why middle finger ended it all, friends of the deceased say it was probably because middle finger was getting tired of meaning nothing other than "eff you" or "up yours."

Ask Static: Exploding Elephant

Q: Dear Static,

I live in an apartment. I own an elephant (Ellie). Every time I feed her, she explodes! I spend the rest of my day cleaning and scraping her off my walls!! The next day she's back again and the same problem keeps occurring (??!!!). PLEASE HELP!!!!!!

Signed,

Elephantitis