Every Road Ragezilla Has His Day

I'll come right out and say it; I dislike bad drivers. Actually some of them I hate. I mean, no one likes them, but I have a real intense dislike for people that seem to be in such a hurry to get nowhere as fast as they possibly can, and are willing to put my life and the lives of other people in danger just to get nowhere (ok possibly somewhere) a few minutes faster than the rest of us. Where's the fricken fire? Apparently, nowadays a poorly trained monkey can acquire a license to operate a motor vehicle.

I've driven through just about every state in my country (USA) and have compiled a list in my mind of places that I think are the worst places to drive - Los Angeles, San Francisco, Las Vegas, Dallas/Ft. Worth, Chicago, New York City, Boston, Providence are just a few of them. I think they're so bad because these are places that were established before the invention of the automobile and the subsequent gasoline and global swarming crisis. The killer bees are coming I tells ya! Roadways were built upon horse trails and dirt roads before asphalt reared it's ugly head. Bad roads that include Grand Canyon-sized potholes, illegible signs and poorly constructed, poorly-thought-out streets and highways contribute quite extensively to the problem.



I don't think that they would really have to be so bad though, if people would just pay more attention to what they were doing. Instead of eating, talking on the cellphone, diddling with the radio, reading directions whilst steering with your knees, trying your new neat trick of driving with your ass should all be saved for Hollywood stunt persons. Especially if you're doing all of the above simultaneously, don't get me started on the people who are changing clothes, putting on their makeup or wistfully gazing at themselves in the rear view mirror to make sure they look perfect... for DRIVING! Who the hell is going to notice your hair is a little windswept and out of place on the freaking highway, you vain dumbass?

I have to say it's nice to live in a city where they have nice wide lanes, usually two or more lanes everywhere you go and big freeways that are well maintained. But every afternoon between five and six o'clock, there's always a slew of accidents that seem to bog the traffic down to a slow crawl. No matter where you go, there's bound to be some traffic at rush hour just because of the sheer volume of people trying to get home, but I think the majority of the gridlock is caused by the sheer volume of STUPID. Yes Stupid farking Drivers.



I've always wondered if Stupid farking Drivers know that they're stupid farking drivers. So I came up with a small test, if you fall into any one of these categories, you may want to think about changing your driving habits, or better yet, maybe you should start taking public transportation, you may not be smart enough to operate a motor vehicle.

1. When did blinkers become optional? Was there a memo passed around that I missed? I think maybe these people are just to damn lazy to reach over a few inches with their finger and flip a switch while they're driving, that would just take WAY to much effort. It's either that or you get stuck behind some moron who leaves their blinker ON and is subsequently driving around the world in a circle either to the right or to the left. Are they going to turn or are they just stupid? Yes of course, it's because they're STUPID! Or maybe you only have one hand free because your using your only free hand to talk on the damn cell phone... which brings me to my next point.



2. What in the world did people do before the invention of cell phones? What could all these people have to talk about on their way home? I imagine most of them can only hold intelligent or IMPORTANT conversation with plankton. I totally believe that it's possible to drive and operate a cell phone if say, you're on a long stretch of well-lit open road and you have an IQ higher than your shoe size. But not if you're blazing through 70mph bumper to bumper traffic. I can't even count how many times one of these bungholes has almost taken off a bumper because they weren't paying attention. I had a road hogging garbage truck driver yacking on his cellphone doing about 80mph nearly run me off the road in my ambulance the other day as he "merged" into my lane and tailgated every other vehicle on his way to the landfill (nowhere). Now I know why he gets paid the big bucks, that trash needs to be disposed of pronto even if it means mowing other drivers down. Get off the phone and pay attention to your driving you bunghole!



3. Race Car Drivers (a.k.a Jackasses) These are the people you see in heavy traffic performing just about every traffic offense I list here. Hauling ass down the freeway (yes YOU Mr. Trash Truck Driver jackass!), changing lanes ten or more times a minute (rarely if ever using signals) and tailgating. Usually they're driving some rice burning piece of crap little car (or a trash truck) with a cheesy rear spoiler that is bigger than the car they are driving and stickers all over like they've been sponsored in the Indy 500 (for morons). I'll bet these people jerk off to that lame ass movie "the Fast and the Furious" at least three times a week. Where in the hell are you driving to so fast? Late for your evening shift at Domino's? If you cause an accident you're not only going to be late but you won't get to where you're going, unless you get killed, then you're going to be really late. Slow down a bit, be safe. That's just common sense. Get a clue you bubble-brained plunger-handle-choking half-wits!





4. Rubberneckers! This has got to be THE single most annoying thing that happens on the freeway. Stuck in traffic because someone up ahead of you is trying to see an accident on the OTHER side of the freeway! Haven't you people ever seen a wrecked car before? Or red flashing lights? Guts splattered all over the asphalt? Go spend a day at the junkyard if you want to see twisted metal so damn bad or go spend a day outside the ER at your local hospital if you want to see gore so badly! I totally believe that if you are caught slowing down to gawk at an accident, the police should be able to haul you out of your car and beat you with a baton, and anyone caught slowing down to look at that gets more of the same!



5. Tailgating. Remember when you took drivers ed and they did the whole two second rule? They showed you films on this and they taught you how to calculate your distance to the car in front of you? Do you really think that riding on the ass of the person in front of you is going to get them to speed up or move? The only thing it does to me is piss me off and makes me slow down to try and ruin your day. I shouldn't be able to tell what color eyes you have by looking in my rear view mirror. And if they are following so close that they can most likely make out the expression on my face and see me mouthing the words, “back off, you butt-munching, bucket of sludge”, chances are they are too close. Back off stooge!



6. Speed Matchers. Ok, so you're not really being an dillhole, you're driving the posted speed limit or maybe a few miles over. You're in cruise control and just being a laid back, chilled out driver. You start getting a little to close to the guy in front of you, you're doing 66, he's doing 65. So you signal and move into the fast lane to pass him. All of the sudden you've got four cars stuck behind the both of you because you won't give it a little gas to get out of the damn way, you belong in the fast lane after all, you're going two miles over the speed limit. Right? Wrong! Krap or get off the pot man! Common human decency and consideration should tell you to move and let people pass you. I think you're the same kind of inconsiderate doodieheads that start writing a damn check in the grocery store AFTER the checker rings up all your stuff in the express lane. In your lumpy head you're in no hurry to get anywhere, so no one else behind you could possibly be either.... jackass.

On another note, if you can't figure out how to use a four way stop, you should qualify as mentally handicapped and have a special sticker put on your car, and possibly your forehead while they are at it, at no additional charge. First look one way, then the other, then proceed driving. This isn't rocket science bucko. You couldn't get a clue during clue mating season in a field of clues if you smeared your body in musk and did the clue mating dance.

My vehemence is not only reserved for motorists. Bicyclists are getting more and more bold these days. Riding a bike is cool, I mean, I own one. A big ass beach cruiser with flames painted down the sides, big fenders and a banana seat. I even have a bell on it, a flag and tasseled handlebars to look like a total fruitcake. I dig hopping on my phat ride and cruising around the neighborhood NAKED (of course is there any other way to do it?) as I go peddle about looking at the sights and people staring at me, so I can kind of understand these people that hop on their bikes and take a ride through the country, safely.

What I don't understand is when they're in these big groups riding three or four abreast and out in the middle of the damn traffic lane or near the edge of the slow lane on the highway! Often at the crack of dawn when it's still dark and they are wearing nothing but BLACK spandex. I am constantly coming around a corner and having to slam on my brakes to keep from mowing a few of these spandex-clad sausage jockeys down. I'd like to go on the record and inform you now - spandex, sunglasses and a bike helmet aren't going to protect you when a vehicle of any size slams into you at 55 miles per hour. A Geo Metro could turn you into ground beef.



Those are the major offenses to me. I mean there is other stuff, but if you're doing any of the above - Don't have any children and find some way to take your life that doesn't take someone else with you, or if you do take someone else's life, make sure they're a jackass like yourself. Hopefully someday we can clean up the gene pool of stupidity. Until then I'll just be sure to wear my seatbelt and have my middle finger at the ready.


"A curse upon you, you spawn of Satan, for you shall be afflicted by a plague of locusts!"