The Best Part of the 90s

#BestPartOfThe90sWas when they were over. Just kidding. Obviously it was fanny packs.

— Static (@Krapsody) May 20, 2016

In Memoriam of Jollybags

| Nov. 16, 2014

Dear whomever left a used condom at the end of my driveway,

Please quit leaving your discarded prophylactics lying around for others to see, or possibly have to pickup. It was basically lying in the street, but still. You are disgusting. Did you drop it there because you wanted to leave behind some kind of proof of your conquest? That's an odd thing to do unless you meant it as a message for someone. If I am that someone, well then, I am not sure I understand the message.

Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson Puts the Nasty in Dynasty

| Dec. 30, 2013

In this stunning, never-before-seen and recently uncovered video, Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson has some hobbies that most people will find far outside the mainstream.



Drink up, wise quacker, your beard needs lots of nourishment--giving the rest of us a real reason to "fear the beard".

Universal Obamacare on the Mend

Tue. Oct. 8, 2013 (Krapsody) - Late this afternoon the switch to turn the government back on has been flipped. Dems have acknowledged that in order to satiate and reward repubs, they had to provide some incentive to reach an agreement over the Obamacare stand-off.

As part of the deal that has been struck, Obama's much lauded death panels have gotten the green light. As per the agreement, Republicans will get to choose one patient each to die in a trade-off between affordable care and the forceful nature of the socialist empire.

If you did not get the memo, the Federation
will not comply with straightforward answers
to your questions about Obamacare.

Most likely the death panels will begin cutting off life support for persons in vegetative states first, and then slowly begin denying expensive treatments to other individuals on the grounds that treatments are "not medically necessary".

Be prepared to see an increase in medical malpractice as inexperienced interns will cause the health care industry to be flooded with complaints and lawsuits.
Hey, the end . . . always justifies the means, people.

Additionally, placebos will be commonplace as well as unlicensed medical procedures will not only be encouraged, they may be necessary in some circumstances as citizens may have to wait months to get an appointment with their physicians inside the government-required health care juggernaut.

Those needing treatments and procedures to improve their health or save their lives can visit their local bookstore and/or visit e-tailers like Amazon to purchase how-to guides.

Examples of the kinds of specialties you could expect to see on store shelves include "The How-To Guide: Home Anesthesiology", "Self-Appendectomy For Idiots", "Semi-healthy Alternatives to Chemotherapy" and "Neurosurgery For Dummies".

Look for Krapsody's own procedural guide: "How to Perform a Vasectomy in 30 Seconds" available on the web for the low low introductory price of $9.95 plus $3 in "just for the fuck of it" fees.

9 Students to Save the World: No it's Not a Movie

Wed Feb 27, 2008 6:29 pm
Updated: Sun Jun 2, 2013 2:12 pm

Bovine Colons, Earth (Krapsody) - An article published in Technology News at The Engineer online claimed:

Nine students from the Tech-Israel Institute of Technology have developed a model spacecraft for deflecting objects falling from space. The model has been created in response to the asteroid Apophis which scientists believe will collide with Earth in 2036, and was presented at a competition of NASA and the American Institute of Aeronautics and Astronautics. [Read Full Story]

Mayan Death Toad Destroys World Today

Friday December 21, 2012 (Krapsody) — In case you didn't get the memo: The world is coming to an end! Over two thousand bazillion years ago the Mayans predicted a giant death toad was going to appear in the sky, it will eat the sun and rays will shoot out of it's eyes destroying the universe as we know it.

Now I know some people are going to want to lick it, but the Mayan Death Toad won't have it. This is no time for last minute wishes or regrets. Too late. There's no escape. Just ask people in time zones ahead of us, like in China or Australia. But you can't because they're all gone! If you have been told that China and all it's people are still there, you're wrong! The cunning Mayan Death Toad knows how to trick people. It's had over two thousand bazillion years to prepare for this moment!

So What If It's An Empty Chair, It's Therapy

Eastwood is justifiably angry.
Because he's old.

After Clint Eastwood's appearance at the RNC to support Mitt Romney, his empty chair routine thrilled delegates but lost the rest of us. This peculiar performance has had critics doing cartwheels. I'm not quite sure why this was so shocking or funny to some people. It's not like we haven't, or won't experience at some point the effects of aging on those near and dear to ourselves. Here is my reasoning behind Eastwood's behavior in a piece I'd like to call "Empty Chair, Empty Minds, Empty Hearts".

Political Suess

What if life in Washington were like a Dr. Seuss book? Don't you wonder what that might be like? I know I do. It's not as far-fetched as you might think.

Yertle the Turtle thinks he is the king of the pond. He brags that he is the biggest, the fastest, and the strongest. All was well until he decided his kingdom was too small. He made each turtle stand on another one’s back. And he piled them all up in a big turtle stack. And underneath Yertle, it's turtles all the way down.

Herman Cain's Revised 999 Plan

5 Tips For Losing Weight Fast

Summer is finally here. And I have some handy tips compiled in a short list for losing that winter weight fast. Five to be exact - not ten or twenty - that is so 2005. At any rate, after months of being stored under the stairwell, I got out the bike, lubed it up, and checked all the linkages. Gears shifting smoothly, check. Brakes, check. Proper tire pressure, check. I'll take it out for a test spin. Just peddle around a couple miles. No problem. It'll be good exercise.

I carefully carry the bike out through the front door and out onto the porch. I lock up, suit up, and I'm off down the street. I am pedaling away like a 10-year-old with boundless energy. Thrusting my right foot in front of my left as if I am floating on air. Oh, yeah, this is easy. Seven months since I've ridden and I am like a god on wheels.

Weiner Means Winner in Warlock Speak

Come now, your wiener is not that big.

Thur. June 2, 2011

Weinerville, NY (Krapsody) - Rep. Anthony Weiner is in the hot seat this week over a sexually suggestive photo he allegedly sent to a 21-year old female student in Seattle who is one of his 54,000 followers on Twitter. Weiner has not stated that the crotch in the picture was somebody else’s. So whose could it be? There will be no juvenile dick jokes or double entendres here. Quite frankly, it was mine and here's proof.

Obscure Moments in Pop Culture History I

Rove tries in vain to appear hip.

President Barack Obama and his wife Michelle celebrated American poetry with a gathering of poets, musicians, and artists at the White House last Wednesday night.

With relatively harmless Caucasian guests like Aimee Mann, Steve Martin, and Kenneth Goldsmith, it’s not hard to see why the invitation of the relatively uncontroversial rapper Common was politicized by critics of Obama's poetry night celebration.

Most prominently, former Bush adviser, Karl Rove, trash-talked Common on The Sean Hannity Show, because of his "violent and misogynistic music lyrics that advocated assassinating Bush and violence against police."

"Common is nothing but a common thug," Rove cried. "He's a big scary black man. I just couldn't imagine inviting him to the White House for anything, much less to do a rap performance. The only reason he should be there is to mop the floors or serve the guests."

15 Unsurprising and Insignificant Facts About The Internet

infographic

–noun
A pretentious graph.

Ed: Check out this infographic on crime rates
Stan: That's a pie chart

Continuing with infographics week, er..infographics month, at Krapsody; there are plenty of absurd things to talk about thanks to the internet. And I'm quite sure that's because nearly EVERYONE on the internet is stupid, or crazy, or both. This is why the internet is not only a great place to find fodder to blog about, but it's also a great place to visit. . .mostly. Humor, it seems, is plentiful.

You could say that amusement on the web is so abundant, that you would be hard pressed not to find it. And if you have access to it, then you'll know exactly what I'm referring to (see pie chart below).

Sites such as eBay and Craigslist have become popular places to purchase humor. However, in both cases you must be weary. eBay and Craigslist are known for people misrepresenting the humor they have for sale. They'll over-exaggerate the value of their humor, and when your package arrives in the mail and you take your brand spanking new humor out of the box, you find it simply isn't funny at all.

Then you'll need to navigate the red tape of trying to get a refund from the seller, who now has lost their sense of humor altogether. And there's nothing funny about that. Since I don't offer refunds, Krapsody is no exception to the rule. So buyer beware.

Humor aside, the demand for a way to analyze information, such as internet statistics, have been so great people were practically praying for some miracle they could have a web-styled pop-up book, a way for that mind-blowing info to be explained quickly and simply. Consequently, we have the creation of the infographic.





Okay, the need for a lame comic strip to explain something as easy as someone using Google to search for
"if a horny cow escapes from a farm, how long will it take before it humps mel gibson?"
is still pretty funny. Um, yeah..

In spite of the existence of pictographic displays for simpletons, we've entered an era where no one has an attention span longer than that of a gnat, so there's a newfound need for an infographic that is simpler, even better than it's predecessor.

Presenting the internet infographical infographic, or the i3 (shortened to make it easier to grasp and convey.) note: I think the following super infographic confirms the distinct possibility that it's all of the above that is responsible for the decline of civilization as we know it...but it could just simply be #1 or #8 on the previous infographic list. You're guess is as good as mine. And assuming that any readers following thus far probably lack the ability to understand fuckwittitude, then it goes without saying that we will probably never know.

13..no, 21..21 Strange Ways People Get High

Guess what kiddies? It's Infographics Week at Krapsody.com! *Because we all know how important it is for illiterates to be able to read and interpret take a good guess at visual representations of information! *this is just my lame attempt to flood the internets, and your minds, with useless information..and also because I am too busy lazy to write any articles right now. Plus, I've been offered a cool advertising deal I couldn't refuse (a years supply of French ticklers and an all expenses paid trip to Butt Plug Mardi Gras (aka CPAC 2011) and THAT'S a "hole" lotta fun, folks!) I just love infographics!!

We Can Be Heroes Just For One Day in Basil Marceaux's Time Machine

Steven Slater, the JetBlue flight attendant who probably found one of the most dramatic ways to quit a job ever, is the most famous flight attendant since Vesna Vulovic. Yes, I know. Just click the link and you'll understand. Slater, allegedly cursed out an entire aircraft, grabbed a beer and then exited a plane by deploying the emergency slide suddenly found himself a hero of thousands of people just like him. How does a melodrama, such as this, propel a flight attendant into infamy? It seems losing one's patience isn't all you will lose when flying the friendly skies.

Grant, Franklin, Washington Pissed About Reagan

Washington D.C. - Anyone who thought Ulysses S. Grant's battle days were long over is wrong. The $100,000 question: Should Ulysses S. Grant, the legendary Union general and 18th president of the United States, be bumped from his 96-year stint on the $50 bill by...Ronald Reagan? The $50 question: Does Reagan deserve to replace Grant? Or, does Grant deserve to be replaced by Reagan? Okay that was two $25 questions.

AND WE'RE NOT BUYING.
I suppose a more appropriate question would be:
If Grant should be replaced, who should he be replaced by?
And more importantly, who the hell do people think they are replacing Grant on the $50 bill?!

Krapsody reporter, Ernst Ze Provocateur, interviewed Grant yesterday, and Grant had this to say, "Who the HELL do you people think YOU are?!"

"..replacing ME..that's like replacing Ronald McDonald, with Bozo. That's like replacing Chad Kroeger of Nickelback with a mop (although that would probably work). It's like replacing sugar with saccharin..oh, they already did that. Well, I suppose those were bad analogies. Fuck it."

Ben Franklin was equally pissed, and a bit worried, "What? Are they gonna replace all of the historical figures on U.S. currency? Who will be my replacement? A chimpanzee? George Michael? WTF?! This is outrageous. May the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing lose the printing plates emblazoned with that bastards face so he never ends up on any banknote."

George Washington, whose portrait is on the $1 bill, also thought this was a horrible idea and was quoted as saying, "I think if they are going to replace Grant or Franklin, or myself, then they should replace me with Martha Stewart, since she looks almost exactly like me. I cannot tell a lie."

Thomas Jefferson, jumped out of his likeness on the $2 bill to insist he wouldn't mind switching his post with Reagan who is deserving of being there, "HE'S as queer as a two dollar bill, y'all!!"

Abraham Lincoln, our beloved $5 bill man, was also stunned about the news and offered this explanation, "Perhaps this is a good thing. It will give a new generation of Americans something they can relate to. After all, nobody remembers who we are anymore. Nobody loves the old and washed up. Except for me of course. Everyone knows me. I am the bee's knees."

Alexander Hamilton, whose image graces the $10 bill, agrees with Abraham. "I think it's a good thing. Maybe I can be replaced by Schwarzenegger when he becomes President, or perhaps Clinton, because he and I are so much alike. What with his antics in the Oval Office, and my little blackmail affair that caused me to resign my position as Secretary of the Treasury...I couldn't think of a more appropriate replacement. Can you?"

Andrew Jackson (aka Old Hickory), on the $20 bill had a different stance, asserting that this was not only a decision based on "shit for brains ideology", and "machinations that smell suspiciously of ass and a conspiracy theory", he suggests, "...[that] America needs to create a new series of banknotes to match it's glimmering Socialist economy with only two bills as it's currency! One bill, the $1,000,000 dollar bill with me on the front..and the other a $1,000 dollar bill, with Static Krapsody on the front. End of story!"

Or we could just dispense with Reagan and all the old fogies and print our own money, like this guy did:

image courtesy of: Sharon Actor

F_ck Y__h. How many of these does it take to buy a vowel?

The Oscars Summed Up In One Photo

Did you catch the Oscars Sunday night? Wait..wait..wait. Better question: did you enjoy them? Between Ben Stiller's awful Avatar spoof, and those horribly tedious - "I'd like to thank the Academy" and "I'd like to thank Gawd" acceptance speeches, I think I've found the cure for Oscar night blues, and it ain't more cowbell.

Thought For The Day: Mom's In Demand

It's been a while between articles, but I'm never gone for long. The internet has a better chance of getting rid of me once Hell freezes over, and considering climate changes and global warming that will happen NEVER. And so lately I've been awful busy making cheese and selling door knobs, and in this economy it's just that much more difficult to sell door knobs made of cheese.

Swine Flu and You

Coming to my Swine Flu Party? We're gonna lick all the inanimate objects in the house..like the door knobs, sneeze on the dinnerware, spit in the punch bowl, then we're gonna fill up Super Soakers with fresh ladlefuls of body fluids and squirt attendees in the face. Come on in!


Most experts say that deliberately seeking out the H1N1 virus in the hopes of becoming immunized is a bad idea. I'm no expert, but I have to say you are a total fucktard if you think this is a good idea.

During one of the many cholera pandemics, do you think people went out of their way to collect diarrhea and roll around in and lap up the liquidy stools in hopes that they would become immune?

That would be like having unprotected sex with or shooting up with a syringe owned by an HIV positive infected person. You might as well increase the odds and load all the chambers on a revolver and then put it to your head and pull the trigger in some ass-backwards game of Russian roulette.

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

What is the CDC’s recommendation regarding "swine flu parties"? (because the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention are experts)

"Swine flu parties" are gatherings during which people have close contact with a person who has 2009 H1N1 flu in order to become infected with the virus. The intent of these parties is for a person to become infected with what for many people has been a mild disease, in the hope of having natural immunity 2009 H1N1 flu virus that might circulate later and cause more severe disease.

CDC does not recommend "swine flu parties" as a way to protect against 2009 H1N1 flu in the future. While the disease seen in the current 2009 H1N1 flu outbreak has been mild for many people, it has been severe and even fatal for others. There is no way to predict with certainty what the outcome will be for an individual or, equally important, for others to whom the intentionally infected person may spread the virus.

CDC recommends that people with 2009 H1N1 flu avoid contact with others as much as possible. If you are sick with flu-like illness, CDC recommends that you stay home for at least 24 hours after your fever is gone except to get medical care or for other necessities. (Your fever should be gone without the use of a fever-reducing medicine.) Stay away from others as much as possible to keep from making others sick.

So..a quick review. Avoiding the swine flu = GOOD...trying to deliberately catch swine flu = BAD.

Did we get that yet? If you didn't, then you are really stupid and kind of deserve to get swine flu and in some cases..DIE. But I'm not down with deadly complications. Oh no, I wouldn't wish that kind of undignified death upon my worst enemy. Instead, I hope you just get really really sick, like puke-and-shit-yourself-silly sick and learn your lesson. No swine flu parties!

How about a "Let's Not Get The Swine Flu Party" instead?

There will be plenty of antiviral drugs passed out (the kind you have been trying to get but haven't been made available yet), several chemical germicides to choose from, rubber gloves, surgical masks, and biohazard suits. We can serve up some tasty oeur d'oeuvres with bacon, bacon-flavored soda, and pork rinds.


Remember: Bacon Makes Everything Better!

Maybe if I get the bacon girl baconed up enough, I'll get lucky and make some bacon on the beach. Regular exposure to pigs and pork products is not going to make you immune either, so scratch that idea.

Honestly, as far as swine flu goes, there are worse things to get. Like cholera, AIDS, or DirecTV.

In the meantime, as the Food and Drug Administration works like crazy to produce all that H1N1 flu vaccine that has been promised, Kanye West has offered to do a swine flu PSA because he's cool (and spontaneous) like that.

Woody Allen, Gary Glitter Show Support For Polanski

Since his arrest on September 26, in Switzerland on his way to pick up a lifetime achievement "Golden Icon Award" from the Zurich Film Festival, Roman Polanski's fate now hangs in the balance.

These days good and sensible doesn’t sell. Especially when you've eluded a 31-year-old fugitive warrant by skipping bail, fleeing the country, after pleading guilty and being convicted of getting a 13-year-old girl naked in a hot tub, plying her with champagne and quaaludes and forcing sex on her.



Never mind that Polanski's unquestionably talented. He's committed the crime, now he's gotta do the time. A slew of notable jailbait-chasing creeps are showing their support for Mr. Polanski.




Woody Allen, another brilliant comedian and filmmaker, offered his unlikely support. Pleading for Roman's release, Allen himself guilty of having younghot lusty fantasies, marrying the adopted daughter of his longtime love interest, would be the last person you would want to come forward if you were caught kiddie fiddling.

Allen shows how he won over Soon Yi

Allen quoted as saying, "How can anyone be utterly skeezed out by a middle-aged man jumping into the sack with jailbait? It's perfectly natural for a guy to be with a girl wherein he's older than her father...even if he's..practically her father."



Paul Francis Gadd, a.k.a. glam-rocker Gary Glitter, longest chart runs of any solo singer in the UK during the 70s couldn't help himself but show his support for Polanski. Gary said, "Age ain't nothin' but a number. AND that 10-year-old has my number. Does that make anybody uncomfortable?"

Gary Glitter seductively asks:
Do You Wanna Touch Me?

R. Kelly, trapped in a closet full of 14-year-olds says he's all for freeing Roman...the pizza delivery boy, after he's done pissing on him.

R. Kelly's gonna piss on j00

Travis Bickle, vigilantism motivated by sexual jealousy as it is by any kind of desire for justice.

You talkin' to me?

Who needs unrequited, consensual pedophilia if you have no problems with the violence typically portrayed in most movies? But complaining about the violence just makes you feel like a square.



But where do you draw the line between impropriety and turning predatorial relationships into heroism? Only in your wet dreams, Mary Kay Letourneau.

'Hot for Teacher' night is not creepy, because it's okay to rape little boys when you're a hot 34-year-old female teacher.




Herbert the Pervert, is one sketchy character. Perverts (in contrast to hot female teachers) are usually characterized by thin mustaches, clammy hands, and the ownership of a van turned into an ice cream business on wheels.

But not this seemingly harmless old man. He lures the newspaper boy in with promise of icy treats in his basement.

I got a whole freezer full of popsicles down in the cellar.

This dirty-year-old creepy and/or awkwardly disturbing menace to society, is always scissoring little boys with his eyes. An honorary member of NAMBLA, his art of bumblefucking is very unique. Herbert "the Pervert" is a bumblefucking sensei, and the origins and ways of bumblefucking are only known to him.



One thing is for sure, real friends are in short supply these days. But with friends like these, who needs enemies. Who needs decency or justice? Because we might possibly live in a world where fame trumps decency and justice.

“If I had killed somebody, it wouldn’t have had so much appeal to the press, you see? But… fucking, you see, and the young girls. Judges want to fuck young girls. Juries want to fuck young girls. Everyone wants to fuck young girls!”

- Roman Polanski on fucking young girls (source)

If it were up to me, anyone who harms a child sexually would spend eternity in hell giving rim jobs to Hitler and obese people with bacillary dysentery.

Losing your dignity is probably one of the worst things a human being can endure, just ask any victim of rape. Polanski will probably be forced to join the ranks of national registered sex offenders and I think he should make a biopic based around his experiences leading up to that...not like Wanted and Desired or Manhattan.

Comparing apples to oranges, most actors and artists toil forever in obscurity, never getting recognition for the roles they portray or works of art they create.

But if you hone your craft and work diligently, you might find yourself in the role of a lifetime instead of making an unnoticed dramatic exit stage left. Because in a land of predators, the lion never fears the jackal....or the pedobear.

Emma Watson runs away from Pedobear Polanski at Brown University's campus.
Welcome to Rhode Island, Emma!

Phillip Garrido could not be reached for comment.