Pat Robertson Says Blue M&M's Devine Retribution

Vagina Beach, VA - Rev. Pat Robertson has always been known as a shining beacon of hope and all that is good and holy, from his Liberian diamond mine venture, to his call for Hugo Chavez’s assassination.

After his remarks that earthquake stricken Haiti got what it deserved because of its pact with the Devil, it is now quite evident that Pat Robertson has lost his damn mind.

Since the Act of God upon Haiti, the UN has called for international aid to ship canned food, water, and 6,000 Nelson Mandela action figures to the region.

Thousands of people, organizations, and well-known celebrities have donated their money. But Robertson, having a billion dollar empire, has not donated a single penny, declaring that "those devil-worshipping Haitians don't deserve it!"

Robertson leaves little doubt that he is racist amongst other things, "I am sick and tired of those damn liberals giving away all America has to help the helpless," he continued.

As for Robertson's vehemence for liberals and their organizations, "I call upon my viewers to exterminate all liberals in retribution for aiding and abetting Satan."

Robertson added, "I tell people ‘Don’t kill all the liberals.’ My plan is to leave two on every campus as living fossils."

Robertson's statements about Haiti also contained some historical inaccuracies that have since come to light.

Some other stunning examples of Robertson's inaccurate historical accounts were his remarks that the creation of the McRib sandwich occurred in 1994, not 1981. And his belief that Monty Python and the Holy Grail is more than just a movie, "it's a goddamn historical reenactment."

Even more astounding were his claims of Doomsday at the end of 1982 that fell short, as well as his having the power to deflect hurricanes through prayer.

An example of his inadequacy is when Katrina devastated New Orleans and many surrounding areas in 2005, including Orlando, FL. Robertson claims Katrina was caused by homosexuals "flocking to Disney World and the French Corner on their special gay days" and there was nothing he could do about it.

Other things that top Robertson's Acts of God List include:
* the mere existence of Rush Limbaugh
* Ariel Sharon's persistent vegetative state
* having a light-skinned black man with no negro dialect as U.S. president, "that's what America gets for not electing Pat Robertson chief executive of the United States! Ironically, Harry Reid has no discernible negro dialect either.."
* the assassinations of Martin Luther King Jr. and Mahatma Gandhi, Robertson had hoped "they were taken down a little sooner" because of their attempts to "create an alternate lifestyle" and, "them two fleshy bags of mostly pansies opposed everything that Jesus lived for – markedly Jesus’ call for peace and harmony. I anticipate that yak herding Dalai Lama guy is next, knock on wood."
* the September 11 terrorist attacks, "the ACLU, abortionists, gays and lesbians, pagans, and feminists helped it happen..[feminism] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians"
* the destruction of Adolph Hitler and the Third Reich, "Hitler's a 'pussy' for his inability to 'man-up' in the face of adversity."
* the Late-Night fiasco, the Jayocalypse is devine retribution for Conan O'Brien's ties with "those liberal tree-hugging hipsters, God shall strike them all with various afflictions and we shall burn all their socialist paraphernalia while they drop dead!”
* the confluence of events necessary to pair "Jets" and "playoffs" for the first time since the 2006 NFL season, much less uttered in the same sentence EVER.
* those "damn Thundercats" for enraging the Ancient Spirits of Evil to the point that they brought Mumm-Ra back.
* that gallon of milk that spoiled in Robertson's fridge.

All of these, in Robertson's mind, due to pacts with the Devil. These beliefs for Robertson have allegedly reduced the man to a quivering pile of horse manure.

In his current state of paranoid delusional thinking, he has barricaded his dressing room and awaits the apocalypse, stating, "Holy fuckin' fuck, fuckers. The end is near! This is it. This is really it!! You'll all believe me when it happens this time around."

"God fucking damn it," he added, trying to fashion a weapon from a bobby pin and some tape. "I wasn’t built for this."

He has even stopped requesting his favorite meal from CBN staff members (sugared skunk dumplings with Appalachian molasses). This sudden change in personality and resultant psychotic break has caused worry amongst his own viewers.

Substance abuse, perhaps? Is it possible Robertson might be tripping on something? Maybe he needs an intervention with the Rev. Al Sharpton, Bill Cosby, Oprah, and Mr. T.

It is evident that Robertson has no control over his spastic personality. Since his most recent overtly racist remarks, CBN's market share subsequently went to hell: did they not notice, and figure it out already? Stay tuned for more on Robertson's condition in upcoming issues.

This report brought to you by: Crunk Berries™