NEW YORK, NY (Krapsody) - National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) has found that sudden acceleration events in Toyota vehicles over the past decade led to several instances of collisions, serious injuries, and at least 19 confirmed deaths associated with eight or more popular models. In record time Toyota has now decided to recall those vehicles with sticking accelerator pedals.
To alleviate the problem, Toyota will install new and improved airbags starting this week in over 5 million vehicles.
In a press conference earlier today, Toyota Motor Company representative, Phil Graves, stated that Toyota "...[has] taken these measures so that in the event a gas pedal sticks on any of our vehicles, and if firm and steady application of the brakes and/or frantic waving of the arms fails to stop the vehicle, Toyota's improved airbags will reduce the amount of injuries or fatalities to Toyota owners."
"We want to make sure our customers understand that this situation is rare and generally does not occur suddenly. Rather it's a slow and painful process...until the accelerator pedal sticks and you fly off into the stratosphere like a bat out of hell...or into a brick wall. But that's the worst case scenario. We're trying to remain optimistic."
"Our message to Toyota owners is this – if you experience any issues with your accelerator pedal, please contact your dealer without delay. If you are not experiencing any issues with your pedal, we are confident that your vehicle is safe to drive. But just to be sure, get the new airbags installed..it can't hurt. We'll even throw in a crash helmet, a months supply of adult diapers, and a new set of floor mats," Graves added.
"Nothing is more important to Toyota and our lawyers - I mean..our LOYAL customers than the safety and reliability of the vehicles our customers drive," noted Graves. "We understand the safety concerns the public has."
"Our entire organization of 172,000 - um, wait a sec. We um..recalled...uh, laid-off rather, quite a few 'defective airbags' - uh, defective airbag installers..over the holidays," Graves eyes glaze over a bit, "Ok, so our entire organization of 153, that's 153 North American employees and dealership personnel are working around the clock, without food, water, or sleep, to replace the airbag systems for our customers. The suspense is killing us."
"Rest assured, we've come to the most safe and viable solution for this problem. In upcoming weeks we will address reports about those steering wheels popping off during operation on all vehicles manufactured since 2001. Thank you."
39 Comments:
I think it's funny because I don't have a Toyota with sticky accelerators. This makes me feel are warm and squishy inside. If I had a Toyota, I might crash into a tree, fly out the windshield and feel squishy on the outside instead.
In reality though, I doubt seriously if the asian big wigs at Toyota give a good shit about the customers. Especially those Neanderthal Americans. They're just as bigoted as us. My sister went over there and got first hand experience.
"Saving face" or "preserving their honor" may be a bigger concern for them. Even more importantly to them would be the loss in profits and lawsuits due to the related accidents and deaths because of their sticking accelerators. I can agree with you on that, wholeheartedly.
Funny post, dude. Lot of good points.
I suspect sabotage. The bugs that live in the exhaust pipe have crawled inside and smeared jam on the stuff below the pedal. Living in an exhaust pipe and breathing noxious fumes does that to you. That's why we never fart on our bugs in the jungle.
I guess the pic at the last was the show stealer.
Anyways about post, since i am obligated to write few words - It was good, great , AWESOME!!
My picks - The lawyer part, floor mats and 153 employees!!
I am dead sure that no body would have raped toyota like this...- ONE TIGHT SLAP!!
@ Kelly - That warm and sticky feeling you described is what Ford owners call "internal bleeding", generally caused by accidental airbag deployment. The problem is due to a defective airbag sensor mechanism. Since Ford has ignored the complaints, you may want to buy a safer car...like a Yugo, or a Toyota.
A visit to your local ER might also be a good idea. Remember, instead of saving face--admitting you have a problem is the 1st step to healing.
@ Banilla Goranas - Clearly, you are referring to exhaust pipe fetishists..such as that well known photo and meme making its rounds on the internet of a guy wearing lingerie expressing his love for Land Rovers and tailpipes pictured here.
This is known as Gremlinization. In some circles this is considered perverse or disgusting. Although not all that technical in nature and requires no mechancal knowledge, this practice is known to make a vehicle that is "acting up" to be more cooperative or "submissive" and function the way it's supposed to.
As for your interest in shoving insects up your bum...that's just weird.
@ Pratik - I realize the slapping or spanking is just foreplay to you...however,..next time you rape ("gremlinize") a Toyota, take care to not miss the "trunk" and hit the "balls" by mistake. kthxbai! =P
I feel that Toyota Motors inc./co./.gov will never recover from the biting satire portrayed here on Krapsody.com. Furthermore, the malevolent media coverage of a quality car manufacturer experiencing a single recall (which, in Toyota's case, is far below the industry's average rate) has done nothing but fuel the increasing isolationism of our economic and trade policies during this past Recession.
Have a heart, ~Static~, and give Toyota a brake. They need it, especially considering that their cars won't stop. You have to do something, or else we'll all be driving a Ford Mustang/Clydesdale/Domesticated-Zebra in 5 years!
@ Julio - Funny thing is I own a Toyota. I have owned three, and never had these kind of problems. But just in case...I am getting the new airbags. I am tired of taking it on the chin and need to get my priorities straight.
Besides, my article is getting some BUZZ! Maybe Toyota will sue me? But hopefully, they'll offer me a new car instead. I don't care if the accelerator sticks. It will only get me to where I'm going FASTER...
Now, I have to stop text messaging these goddamn replies here and pay attention to my driving. My accelerator is stuck and I just ran over an elderly couple, a fire hydrant, three newspaper stands, a naked singing cowboy, several trees--lamp posts--speed limit signs, a raccoon, and..I think... somebody's dog.
i suspect it's sabotage too
it must be those tailpipe rapists causing this problem.
there ought to be a law against that
Tailpipe rapists? Are those scoundrels at it again?
We'll even throw in a crash helmet, a months supply of adult diapers, and a new set of floor mats,"
Oh what a feeling I am getting from this great deal!
great post.
Very funny story!
lol @ frantic waving of the arms!!!
But seriously though tailpipe rape is a serious problem.
mmm..stuck accelerator is..brakes work not. Stop i must! Use the force i will.
Whew! At least Honda doesn't have THAT problem!
http://finance.yahoo.com/news/Honda-adds-437000-cars-to-apf-2428558261.html?x=0
First code of kamikaze is putting oneself at the service of one's daimyo or lord or emperor. This ideal put duty to one's lord as paramount, even at cost of one's own life. Second code of kamikaze is dying in battle which is seen as glorious. Now drive into battle and die a glorious death. I command it!
Isn't that the Toyota way?
Oh boy, another reason for my Dad to teach my Mom how to drive her Prius and apply the brakes to "stuck" right after that cliff appears...
@ Kelly - Don't act so innocent. We know what you've been up to Mr. 7masterheathen. Care for some K-Y to make the job easier?
@ marcelino - Sounds like you have met Kelly and gboo. Have a great time experiencing your new found sensations together. Ah, love is in the air folks..can you...smell it? It is vaguely reminiscent of beer, fried onions, and Crisco.
@ v3 - Thanks. But I bet you say that to all the bloggers.
@ hybrid - I think your story is likely to be much funnier. Since it's true.
@ Skrib - I agree. It's important to report any incidents of tailpipe rape immediately to your local authorities. Whether you frantically wave your arms or commit an illegal act to capture their attention. Did you know that one car out of every 230 made was stolen last year? That's a lot of tailpipe raping going on.
@ Toy Yoda - Crazy you are. Help for you there is. Seek immediately you must.
@ Honda - Ahahahahaha!...what a pity.
@ Mr. Tostada - You, sir, take your job and life too seriously. You need to lighten up.
@ TT - Which way are you referring to: The way the accelerator sticks, the way they ignored the complaints and/or accidents, or the way they dealt with the problem?
Will you show me how to rape a car in it's bunghole, Mr. Krappity? I heard you were the expert on this.
Looking forward to your car raping advice,
Kelly -but you may call me "The Lord"
@ Kelly - Hi, Satan. Who is this Mr. Krappity you referred to? If he is the tailpipe rape expert you say he is, then you need to turn him in to the proper authorities. Honda might have a need for his skills.
I love my Toyota. I sort of want to make out with it. I can like lick the ignition!
@ Rusty - That's kinda hawt, girl friend.
...be sure to take pics and send them to tailpipe_rapist@perverted.com.org.net
KTHXBAI!
I had one of those defective Toyotas. I was going to return the car yesterday, but I crashed into a school bus on the way to work. The impact killed me stone dead.
@ Big Mental D - Holy crap, dude. You type quite good for someone who's dead. Did you take out a few kids as well?
@ ~Static~ Do you think they ever considered finally installing airbags in AIRPLANES? To think how many lives would be saved IF a 747 Jet-Airliner travelling at 900 mph and crashing into a mountain top had AIRBAGS installed...what a waste.
@ Julio - That's an interesting idea. And yeah, I'm willing to bet they have thought of that. But just how practical would that be?
First of all, retrofitting a commercial airliner like the 747 with airbag systems would be an uphill and very expensive project. You have sensors and other electronic systems that would have to be carefully calibrated to avoid accidental deployment, or even more importantly, not deploying when they should.
Secondly, the airbag system would have to encompass a passenger in such a manner that they would be guaranteed some measure of actual safety in the event of an accident. The probability of an airbag system that would prevent injuries, or death, in any aircraft, that is literally hurtling through space, would be a difficult if not an impossible prospect. You may be better off encapsulating yourself in a large balloon and layers upon layers of bubble wrap in a vain attempt to protect yourself at that point.
Lastly, the top speed of a 747 is maxed out at 614 mph in the 400 and 400ER series of that particular jumbo jet (Google is so awesome!)...which even if the engines failed, or some other catastrophic event caused the plane to lose control and crash into a mountain side (which is entirely possible given the not-so-good track record of the 747 this past decade)...I don't think a 747's speed would be nearly close enough to break the sound barrier. That could be possible--say for a Concorde, but for a 747 I think it's speed probably would be slower than 900 mph..but still fast enough to do considerable damage and leave no survivors.
So that leaves us with the question of why airbag installations on aircraft would be such a waste. Well, for ONE: it's expensive. TWO: it's likelihood of preventing injury or death is slim to none. Three: what if a Toyota executive is on that plane...would anybody actually want them to survive?
Yes, it is I, Lord Lucifer, King of The Tailpipe Rapists.
Tip: Let your Toyota run for a really long time so the tailpipe is good n' piping hot before inserting your wiener deep inside it. For sure, you'll scream with delight.
No need to thank me for this invaluable advice. Just happy to be of service to the public.
@ Kelly - Well thanks for that useful information, Mr. Lucifer. It's very thoughtful of you to be so willing to share your tailpipe rape techniques and secrets. Hail Satan.
I believe that Tiger Woods put those into action on more than one occasion. According to Master Yota, his favorite past time (before getting caught in his extramarital scandal) was tailpipe felching.
And let's not forget John Mayer, who practiced those very techniques you described. But he apparently doesn't want black Toyotas judging by his recent comments. Having said that, it is officially safe to drive black Toyotas...but just to be on the safe side, get the airbags anyway...and stop sticking your wiener in tailpipes. Period... weirdo. See ya in hell!
p.s. you may wanna make room for me now...just give me your throne, it'll only be much easier for you in the long run. Otherwise, things could get nasty.
@ Julio - p.s. if Kevin Smith were on a 747 that crashed into a mountainside, do you think he'd be the only survivor because all that flab would protect him? Like..he'd just bounce like a giant rubber ball..those layers of blubber would just act like a barrier against life threatening injuries? Hmm, food for thought (no pun).
Post a Comment