Obscure Moments in Pop Culture History III

Do you know what that is? I know some of you that are old enough to remember them will say it's a plain old typewriter. But you'd be wrong. It's an accordion, one of precious many used by accordion player extraordinaire, George Salvatore Liberace - twin brother of Mr. Showmanship himself, Liberace.

You should know that accordion is priceless! It's handmade. And if you ever find the landfill where it's located don't hesitate to go digging around for it. It's a piece of Polka Rock history.

George Salvatore Liberace was born around the turn of the previous century in a stable and laid in a manger somewhere outside Winnebago County.

He was taught his craft by Mama Liberace who had a squeeze box and never let daddy sleep at night. This was disturbing for a number of reasons, but George's deep scars were healed over time by sweet sweet music.

Mama Liberace, fucking up that accordion.

As George got older he practically invented the Polka Rock genre. He played that accordion like nobody's business. Cranking out such numbers as: "Polka Kielbasa", "Polka Dot Polka", "Poke My Polka", "Polka My Poked Polka", and "Mary Had A Little Lamb."

George led an illustrious career. Making several appearances on The Lawrence Welk Show, I guarantee you ain't seen nothing like him in any amusement hall.

But his large-scale Milwaukee act became his hallmark, expanding his fan base dramatically, and making George Salvatore Liberace THE wealthiest accordion player ever.

George not only perfected his own unique way of playing the accordion - gyrating and twisting his hips in a manner that was not only peculiarly vulgar, but intensely arousing - he planted the seeds for Elvis, who just a few years later copped similar moves.

However, George's brand was like a hotter version of the Gronsky. Y'know, when someone puts their nose to a person's grundle and buries their schnozz deep into their choda, while the other person gyrates their hips in a clockwise/counterclockwise motion, all the time the schnozz burier repeats "Gronsky Gronsky Gronsky Gronsky Gronsky?" No?? Never mind.

Clearly the most talented of the two siblings, George was also his brother's business partner, violin accompanist, conductor, and orchestral arranger. But George had one other achievement he aspired to - after many years of failed attempts he was finally successful at fellating himself.

Upon his discovery of this unique talent, kissing his own banana (or self oral stimulation) became a practice for which he devoted entirely too much time, and as a consequence he rarely left his house.

His brother Liberace at the end of his performances often sighed wistfully that he wished his brother George were there. Well, let's just say that George could not be there much of the time, because his autofellatio habits interfered with his career.

George posing proudly
with his instrument of torture
and subtly concealed camera.

At one point in his profession, George had a brief stint in France as a spy with the CIA. He posed as a street performer in order to get close enough to catch a glimpse of secret French government documents. Ya know the French want revenge for a number of things.

With the help of The Gong Show host and secret agent Chuck Barris, George developed a camera that fit inside his accordion so that he could take photos of French military plans to overturn the Louisiana Purchase and also to conquer all of Canada.

For self-defense purposes, Chuck and George also neatly installed a flame thrower within the accordion, to either divert the attention of their enemies, or to fry them to a crisp like a pair of frog legs should it have to be done.

But even this thrilling and extraordinary accomplishment could not keep George from his favored activity. He never had to use that accordion since he spiraled out of control in his quest for the ultimate self slurping sensation.

But all was not lost. George pressed forward - firmly, with his hips (and occasionally his buttocks) - and inspired the video game Accordion Hero by Activision made for Sony PlayStation. A high achievement indeed - considering they had to pry him off of his own pecker in order to take the cover photo for the game packaging.

George autofellated so much in fact, that he eventually suffered spinal disc herniation and was confined to a wheelchair until he passed away at the age of 87...whereupon just by chance George was found in his wheelchair, dick in mouth. He died with a smile and a crusty cum bubble upon his face.

His legacy has touched people from all walks of life. 50 Cent considers him a hero. Whether or not 50 Cent is a solo-sucker is unknown. Your guess is as good as mine, but as we all know he likes to blow his own horn.

And lest we forget to mention, George's songs have even stopped wars.

...or something like that.



The End.


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Article courtesy of Ernst ze Provocateur - Critic, international reporter, mime*, and espionage agent**

*Considering who wrote this, it is possible that some, part, or all of this report may be fictional.
**But don't piss him off. He's likely to bore you to death with his famous "trapped in a box" mime routine or blow some s**t up!