Once upon a time in a land far far away there was a pissed off son of a bitch with a penchant for telling bedtime stories not fit for children aged 6-10...yes, I'm talkin' about me again.
Opening with the usual generic stock phrase that has been beat to death since the beginning of time when the first quasi human/simian creature could open it's gaping maw and utter grunts and groans that weren't even remotely considered language, it ends all the same.
Happenstance, these stories often also then end with "... and they all lived happily ever after", or, "happily until their deaths". I'm going with the latter, because that's just how I feel. So suck it up ya big pansies.
You didn't really think this story was going to end well, did you? This story is going to have a much different style and vibe. Who's the writer here, god dammit?
Act One, Scene One:
Before some nondescript doleful shithole peasant shack in England.
Enter PROSPERO in his magic robes, and ARIEL
PROSPERO
Now does my project gather to a head.
(Shit! That's all wrong, man. ALL WRONG! **wads up paper and throws in trash)
Act One, Scene One:
Before some nondescript drab shithole nursing home in Rhode fucking Island.
(Yes. That's more like it. =D)
Enter STATIC in his magic..shitty fucking uniform not even fit for clowns. He approaches a nursing station and commences with all sorts of buggery.
STATIC
Good day, fuckwits, I am here for the one they call "Shit My Pants"!
(It is at this point that NURSE I lifts up her enormous bag of slop she calls a head, wipes the string of drool hanging from her chin which sports three to four wiry hairs about a half an inch long each, and blinks several times before fully realizing what has been said and asks...)
NURSE I
Huh?
STATIC
I said, 'Good day, fuckwits, I am here for the one they call..'
NURSE I
..You'll have to ask the CHARGE NURSE because I am too busy supervising the arrangement of Z's in order of size from smallest to largest the way they appear in my head.
STATIC
Very well, monkey feces. May 13,000 alcoholics binge and purge near your mattress as you slumber.
CHARGE NURSE
You, sir, are here for the one they call "Shit My Pants"?
STATIC
Indeed I am. Hot damn, someone actually took a break from their naps and paid attention to me? Fantastic! This is quite exceptional.
CHARGE NURSE
I shall go gather her things and bring her to you.
STATIC
Very well. That's a brilliant idea. It's not like this was a fricking social call. God speed, knuckle dragger. May the Force be with you.
Oh! And don't forget to change her diaper like you did the last time I was here, and consequently she shit herself silly for probably the third time that day in the same diaper..all over the chair..and the floor..in the waiting area at the doctor's office..in front of all those people...and the shit for brains healthcare aide you sent to accompany us didn't know whether to shit and go blind along with her.
How embarrassing for the poor dear, you feeble-minded unconscionable shit. The Force thanks you, asshole.
Exit CHARGE NURSE
NURSE I
What are those you're wearing, Sire?
STATIC
These? (holding up rubber gloved hands) These are called "gloves", you stain. Perhaps you've heard of them in between your trips to Siesta Land and Sleepy Acres?
NURSE I
But why are you wearing them?
STATIC
I bet your mother has a loud bark. I am wearing them for several reasons, warty dyskeratoma. Initially, when I saw you lying here at your desk I was thinking I'd go on a three state killing spree after placing a stick of dynamite in each of your ears and putting your head in the incinerator...but then I thought, nah, I'll put these GLOVES on just in case you lazy asses forget to change a patients diaper or open wound dressings -- the way it is most other days I have made an entrance in this God forsaken cesspool.
NURSE I
You could just wash you hands, Sire.
STATIC
Why, yes I could and I do many times throughout the course of a day. What are you saying? That I am as scummy as you are? A bleach dip is not out of the question after visiting your rat infested tinderbox, which if it weren't for all the poor patients, this place should be burned down to the ground, you syphilitic rectal discharge.
NURSE I
No, I mean really, you could just wash your hands and not just use the hand sanitizers and just forgo the gloves..they just don't...look right...and..
STATIC
...AND May an outrageous number of blonde Jerry Lewis impersonators with blocked colons give each other enemas and start a support group in your kitchen, you condescending puddle of pus. They don't LOOK right?? Maybe you ought to try using them once in a while, toad licker. Have you been using the inhalants again? Did someone forget to take their meds today?
NURSE I
Wearing those can't be good for the skin. You should just wash your hands...
STATIC
I'll take my chances, thanks. I assume from the looks of your dried husks you call hands that you wash quite obsessively throughout the day. Like every five minutes or possibly more often, when and if you can lift that gigantic slab of lard of an ass to the nearest toilet to dip your hands in. Either that or you are a 3000-year-old mummy.
NURSE I
You wouldn't have to worry about preventing germs from spreading if you just took off those silly gloves and washed your hands.
STATIC
These "silly" gloves prevent me from spreading disease, or getting them, EVEN after I've washed my hands. In addition, upon removal of said gloves, I simply wash my hands again or use the hand sanitizers after I've disposed of them, you crazy git. They also prevent me from making contact with your disgusting pimpled dermis when I bitch slap you for being so dense...and ugly. You are just mad and green with envy 'cause you're ugly and ain't got no gloves, TROLL.
NURSE I
I just don't understand why you are wearing gloves...do you wear them to every location you visit? Do you NOT wash you hands? How can you not wash your hands?
STATIC
As a matter of fact I do..all of the above, oh fanatical one. Have you NOT been listening to me? Would you like me to fist you with one of these, you infectious-loined jizzpocket? Is that it?? Because it ain't happenin'. That's what my foot is for.
Here. Hold this.
It's your ass.
NURSE I
I just don't..underfuckingstand. Why the gloves?
Enter JANITOR
JANITOR
Jesus Christ, will you fucking cocksuckers watch your mouths?! There could be some god damn children around this shithole.
Fucking morons...
STATIC
Could be? It's well established that there aren't many god damned kids at this wretched shithole. It's all blue-haired mafia up in here, dipshits. And I'm betting half if not most can't hear a fucking word we're saying. If they are they're sure gettin' a good show today, asswipes.
You rat bastard cocksucking motherfucking ballsack-licking cheap ass whores really need to get one of the kids to show you how to do any of this shit right, dontcha?
NURSE I
There'd be no worries about germs if you just wash your fucking hands!
STATIC
(imitates NURSE I's tone of voice)
No worries about germs! Just wash your fucking hands!
Look, sewage screen, you wash your hands and I'll do whatever the fuck I want, okay? I'm not taking any chances and the gloves are staying on. End of discussion.
NURSE I
But..but
STATIC
That's it, fucktard. (flips off NURSE I and stomps off stage right to inform the nursing home administrator of NURSE I's incompetence and willful negligence)
Act One, Scene Two:
Inside a small musty office with a desk and chair sprawled in the center of the room. A large rat is taking a shit on the administrator's shoe as he glances up to look at STATIC barging into the room.
Enter STATIC
MR. SHIT EATING GRIN RED-FACED NURSING HOME ADMINISTRATOR
Yes? What can I do for you?
STATIC
Your staff are acting like a bunch of fuckwits.
MR. SHIT EATING GRIN RED-FACED NURSING HOME ADMINISTRATOR
So what else is new?
STATIC
Par for the course, for such a bunch of idiots. If their IQ's were any lower you'd fucking trip over it.
MR. SHIT EATING GRIN RED-FACED NURSING HOME ADMINISTRATOR
It's about the gloves again, isn't it?
STATIC
No shit, Sherlock. You think? What gave it away...the gloves?! What the fuck is her problem? Who let her out of her cage this morning?
MR. SHIT EATING GRIN RED-FACED NURSING HOME ADMINISTRATOR
Well, it's Monday morning and...well..she's a woman. (shrugs his shoulders and holds his hands up as if it's out of his control)
STATIC
Oh, great. A festering shithouse run by an apathetic misogynist douchey crap-sacked taint-gobbling enabler.
FADE TO BLACK
10 Comments:
I assume they were your wanking gloves.
@ Gorillananas: You think so? What gave it away?
Did I forget to mention that NURSE I works in the nursing care's infection diseases unit and actually is based on a real living "person"..if you could call her that, I am inclined to believe she appears a bit apeish, but that would be an insult to your kind, frankly it's clear she hasn't quite evolved..all of these people exist in fact, even the hospital administrator and his wording to the tee about her being a woman...I'm just curious what dimension these people live in when they aren't amongst the rest of us in the real world.
The kicker here is that she actually chastised me for wearing gloves...??? Lecturing, repeating, babbling on and on, over and over again about how washing my hands will prevent the spread of germs and disease...as if I didn't already realize the obvious. WTF does that have to do with wearing gloves exactly?? Who is that fucking stupid? I mean..really? It's apparent that she was trying to be insulting, most likely because she hates her life and enjoys fucking with others she feels are beneath her, the poor sap.
I think this scenario is hilarious. It should be a screen play. It was so funny at the time that I started wanking on the spot. And spunked all over that shithole. She slurped up every drop off the floor and gargled with it. Cut - print it! You were right. Good call again, you anthropoidal genius!!!
Your bedtimes storeez haz mades me hard.
I like the part about how Mr. Toad sneaks out of Alcatraz and slips his tongue in Mrs. Nurse's knotty hole.
Oh the gloves, the gloves. Why is it always the gloves?
A lovely, heartwarming tale. Cheers! When is the movie version coming?
@7masterheathen (Kelly): It's too over the top for the big screen..and it's also too brutally honest for any lying sack of shit studio exec to want to touch and get their hands dirty with...so for now it's appearing after Who's Your God Now, Mel Gibson? at 10/9c on NBC, bitches. =D Bedtime Stories by Static will be produced by that moose knuckle J.J. Abrams, co-creator of tv series LOST...which is what this cause is all about..health care reform in action folks! =P
Gosh, I sure hope you played your cards right and got yourself a sweet ass contract so you get a big percentage of the profits from your upcoming tv show.
I'm rooting for you. In fact, my hairy nips are erect with anticipation of this huge televised event. I'm almost positive this show will be fun for the whole family and bring about a new era of wholesome family values.
It's plain to me that this wonderful, inspiring story is all about health care reform in action. Yes, indeedy do.
May I call you a pioneer in the world of network television, just yet? Or should I just stick to calling you, eh, Static?
Good luck!
@7masterheathen (Kelly): Are you patronizing me? Because I sense a hint of sarcasm in your reply. =P
Oh no. Not me. Nope. Never. No sarcasm to be found here. No way-no how.
@7masterheathen (Kelly): lols!!1 Have fun on your vacation, dude!
Thanks, man. I can't wait. I'm not quite gone from the scene yet, though. I've got one more post in the bag to put up yet. If ya wanna, you can still email me until I actually leave the country towards the end of the month. I'll get back to ya.
Anyway... Take care.
@7masterheathen (Kelly): Sounds like a plan. When you do go, and while you are there, can you pick me up one of those shrunken heads? My mom would never let me have one when I was a kid. I think it makes a great gift! =D
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