Goodbye Prez Cheeto Hello Post-pandemic Keto

A Bedtime Story by Static part II

Once upon a time in a land far far away there was a pissed off son of a bitch with a penchant for telling bedtime stories not fit for children aged 6-10...yes, I'm talkin' about me again.

Opening with the usual generic stock phrase that has been beat to death since the beginning of time when the first quasi human/simian creature could open it's gaping maw and utter grunts and groans that weren't even remotely considered language, it ends all the same.

Happenstance, these stories often also then end with "... and they all lived happily ever after", or, "happily until their deaths". I'm going with the latter, because that's just how I feel. So suck it up ya big pansies.

You didn't really think this story was going to end well, did you? This story is going to have a much different style and vibe. Who's the writer here, god dammit?

Swine Flu and You

Coming to my Swine Flu Party? We're gonna lick all the inanimate objects in the house..like the door knobs, sneeze on the dinnerware, spit in the punch bowl, then we're gonna fill up Super Soakers with fresh ladlefuls of body fluids and squirt attendees in the face. Come on in!


Most experts say that deliberately seeking out the H1N1 virus in the hopes of becoming immunized is a bad idea. I'm no expert, but I have to say you are a total fucktard if you think this is a good idea.

During one of the many cholera pandemics, do you think people went out of their way to collect diarrhea and roll around in and lap up the liquidy stools in hopes that they would become immune?

That would be like having unprotected sex with or shooting up with a syringe owned by an HIV positive infected person. You might as well increase the odds and load all the chambers on a revolver and then put it to your head and pull the trigger in some ass-backwards game of Russian roulette.

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

What is the CDC’s recommendation regarding "swine flu parties"? (because the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention are experts)

"Swine flu parties" are gatherings during which people have close contact with a person who has 2009 H1N1 flu in order to become infected with the virus. The intent of these parties is for a person to become infected with what for many people has been a mild disease, in the hope of having natural immunity 2009 H1N1 flu virus that might circulate later and cause more severe disease.

CDC does not recommend "swine flu parties" as a way to protect against 2009 H1N1 flu in the future. While the disease seen in the current 2009 H1N1 flu outbreak has been mild for many people, it has been severe and even fatal for others. There is no way to predict with certainty what the outcome will be for an individual or, equally important, for others to whom the intentionally infected person may spread the virus.

CDC recommends that people with 2009 H1N1 flu avoid contact with others as much as possible. If you are sick with flu-like illness, CDC recommends that you stay home for at least 24 hours after your fever is gone except to get medical care or for other necessities. (Your fever should be gone without the use of a fever-reducing medicine.) Stay away from others as much as possible to keep from making others sick.

So..a quick review. Avoiding the swine flu = GOOD...trying to deliberately catch swine flu = BAD.

Did we get that yet? If you didn't, then you are really stupid and kind of deserve to get swine flu and in some cases..DIE. But I'm not down with deadly complications. Oh no, I wouldn't wish that kind of undignified death upon my worst enemy. Instead, I hope you just get really really sick, like puke-and-shit-yourself-silly sick and learn your lesson. No swine flu parties!

How about a "Let's Not Get The Swine Flu Party" instead?

There will be plenty of antiviral drugs passed out (the kind you have been trying to get but haven't been made available yet), several chemical germicides to choose from, rubber gloves, surgical masks, and biohazard suits. We can serve up some tasty oeur d'oeuvres with bacon, bacon-flavored soda, and pork rinds.


Remember: Bacon Makes Everything Better!

Maybe if I get the bacon girl baconed up enough, I'll get lucky and make some bacon on the beach. Regular exposure to pigs and pork products is not going to make you immune either, so scratch that idea.

Honestly, as far as swine flu goes, there are worse things to get. Like cholera, AIDS, or DirecTV.

In the meantime, as the Food and Drug Administration works like crazy to produce all that H1N1 flu vaccine that has been promised, Kanye West has offered to do a swine flu PSA because he's cool (and spontaneous) like that.

When Pigs Fly

I am sick of hearing about the swine flu epidemic!
Krapsody just did the math, and we are...eh..I am not so good (in fact you could say HORRIBLE) at math - but according to "our" calculations: .000003% of the planet's population is infected. I think it's okay to be cautious, but I also think we should be realistic about the threat.

All the ridiculous paranoia and internet buzz over it now.

Drivel that includes:

"How do you think the Swine Flu will affect the USA? I'm guessing not too bad... vote now!"

"It was once said that a black man would be president "when pigs fly" indeed 100 days into Obama's presidency SWINE FLU!"

"How does one steer clear of swine flu? ...GO VEGAN!!!"

"Wash your hands!"

"Avoid people who have the sniffles!"

"Avoid anyone coughing!"

"Cough into your elbow!"

"Avoid people and public places!"

"Don't eat any pork products!"

"Is ham made from pigs?!"

Blah blah blah fercrissakes what a mob of bumbling idiots! Blaming Mexico and pigs. As far as washing hands and coughing or sneezing into your elbow, that's just common sense. Do we really have to be reminded of this? But washing your hands alone isn't going to be enough if the virus spreads via airborne transmission.

It seems to me that if it was as infectious as the CDC, the US Department of Health and the WHO are making it out to be..

..then more people have probably been exposed than they are counting on...which I believe more people would have it by now. Since I have every disease known to man..that makes me an expert on infectious diseases.

141 people in the U.S. get swine flu and everyone is wearing masks--millions of people get AIDS and no one wants to wear condoms? What the devil is that all about?

I've read about the media creating mass hysteria, recently even, in my psychology class. I could understand how Orson Wells and the War of the World's radio broadcast in 1938 sent people jumping out of windows in a fit of hysterics. People were paranoid, more impressionable and had access to less information than we do in our era.

Speaking of stupidity and ignorance in the information age, I have to wonder why Russia decided to ban imports of beef and possibly chicken because of swine flu. Does this seem like logical reasoning?

And what about people who have allergies? If they sneeze or cough, are they going to be dragged off to a quarantine camp somewhere for fear they have the dreaded sow sickness?

I get the fact that this could be considered a health threat. For gosh sakes nearly...16 people in Mexico died from it..but Mexico doesn't have the greatest health care system in the world either. Children, the elderly, and those with compromised immune systems are most at risk. So be sure to pack them all into a biohazard suit until the coast is clear.

Do you know how to tell if you have swine flu? Your tail curls. No seriously, click that link for some advice from a doctor about the poop on swine flu, quit letting others tell you what it is or how it spreads and find out for yourself. edit: so do you have swine flu?

I think ignorance and believing things that just aren't true are the real epidemic. Frankly, poor grammar is a worse epidemic than swine flu in my opinion.

Swine flu's got nothing on good ol' bubonic plague...I'm just sayin'. I think we'll have a vaccine strong enough to combat the swine flu before any epidemic rivals that of the Black Death.

The name the WHO gave it even sucks. Swine Flu. Why not: Hog Virus or Piggy Syndrome? But noooooooooo! They wouldn't listen to me!

Their media circus has led other nations like Egypt to slaughter thousands of pigs, hoping to stop the spread of the disease. In the wake of the "swine flu" hysteria the WHO have created, they've now decided to RENAME the bug.

WHO spokesman Dick Thompson acknowledged that the term "swine flu" was misleading consumers and needlessly causing countries to ban pork products and order the slaughter of pigs, over concerns the agriculture industry and U.N. food agency had expressed.

"Rather than calling this swine flu ... we're going to stick with the technical scientific name H1N1 influenza A," Thompson said.

It's now called, H1N1 Influenza A? Gee, that's a much better name alright...



The virus isn't a new one either, as far back as the 70's they discovered the virus in four different forms originating in pigs, but probably mutated at some point and spread with human-to-human contact.

Keep in mind that this virus is infectious up to 48 hours before symptoms appear, so your "well appearing" contacts may actually be infectious. Holding your breath in confined spaces is highly recommended. IF you start turning blue, just continue holding your breath..either way you're screwed pal.

And also keep avoiding pork products. Be sure to wash your hands every five seconds, people will think you are OCD and have you sent off to a rubber room.

Especially since the AP reports a little over an hour ago that the "swine flu" may be less potent than first feared. Feel confused, or stupid now?

It's ironic that people freak out if someone leaves their dog in the car while they buy a quart of milk. But it's ok to lock 5,000 pigs in a confinement center to wallow in their own shit festering with diseases, so close together all they can do is sniff the ass of the pig in front of them.

That's the true face of "the other white meat". What a load of pig shit. The pig has had it rough enough. Lay off them for awhile, ya jerks!

Lastly, health smealth. WHO cares? Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Death should not be seen as the end, but as a very effective way to cut down expenses. Swine flu is the best thing that ever happened to me. Flights are super cheap because of it. Mexico here I come..I'll be as happy as a pig wallowing in it's own zen!

I'm gonna go get kinky with some swine. See ya when I see ya (or not because I may get H1N1 Influenza A hog virus and spew out my last krap ever)!


Click the image for more Piggy Kink


Also, in another Mexico related news story:

Diners report seeing Virgin Mary in food griddle

In Calexico, California a cook says she saw the likeness of the Virgin Mary on a griddle as it was being cleaned.

Maybe we can all pray to the Virgin Mary griddle that we don't have a swine flu epidemic on our hands and then we'll make some killer pork lard pancakes with it...and a side of bacon.

p.s. Happy Mother's Day

who said you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig?


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