"Some folks call it a sling blade,
I reckon I call it a Kaiser blade.
Good for slicin' up bisquits
and French fried 'taters."
One time I's prowling in the wilderness, wandering about, kindly got lost and so weak and hungry I couldn't go. When it begin to get cool, I found a big cave and crawled backin there to get warm. Mm-hmm. Crawled back in and come upon a leaf bed and I dozed off to sleep.
I heard a nawful racket coming into that cave, and something come in and crawled right over me and laid down like a big old bear. It was a hairy thing and when it laid down it went chomp, chomp, chawing on something. I thought to myself, "I'll see what it is and find out what it is eating." Mm-hmm.
Weinerville, NY (Krapsody) - Rep. Anthony Weiner is in the hot seat this week over a sexually suggestive photo he allegedly sent to a 21-year old female student in Seattle who is one of his 54,000 followers on Twitter. Weiner has not stated that the crotch in the picture was somebody else’s. So whose could it be? There will be no juvenile dick jokes or double entendres here. Quite frankly, it was mine and here's proof.
*based on a news story involving, Angeles Duran, who lives in Salvaterra do Mino, Spain. She recently laid claim to the sun legally.
According to an AFP article:
"...she now wants to slap a fee on everyone who uses the sun and give half of the proceeds to the Spanish government and 20 percent to the nation's pension fund.
She would dedicate another 10 percent to research, another 10 percent to ending world hunger -- and would keep the remaining 10 percent herself."
Half the proceeds to the government? Really?? 20 percent to the nation's pension fund? And only 10 percent to research, another 10 percent to ending world hunger, and the remaining 10 percent for herself?? Gee...how altruistic of her.
News on the street is that she will have to adjust the lease to prorate the rent for those days when there have been, or will be, a full or partial solar eclipse.
Additionally, this extends to solar flare activity as well, which disrupts electronics and satellites orbiting our planet. Disruptions in service include cellphone reception and telecommunications transmissions on other technological devices including electrical power.
Lest I forget, a class action lawsuit is in the works: people who have been burnt by the Sun and/or end up with skin cancers are suing Ms. Duran for pain and suffering caused by her celestial body, as well as her responsibility for global warming. Lots of pissed off people I gather. She should be getting bitch slapped with the subpoena as this article is being published. Not such a good idea now, is it, Ms. Duran? 0 percent win. 100 percent FAIL.
Once upon a time in a land far far away there was a pissed off son of a bitch with a penchant for telling bedtime stories not fit for children aged 6-10...yes, I'm talkin' about me again.
Opening with the usual generic stock phrase that has been beat to death since the beginning of time when the first quasi human/simian creature could open it's gaping maw and utter grunts and groans that weren't even remotely considered language, it ends all the same.
Happenstance, these stories often also then end with "... and they all lived happily ever after", or, "happily until their deaths". I'm going with the latter, because that's just how I feel. So suck it up ya big pansies.
You didn't really think this story was going to end well, did you? This story is going to have a much different style and vibe. Who's the writer here, god dammit?
A bit of a hiatus between the Halloween Countdown, because I can't be arsed to suffer another review...even though to complete my degree that's what I have to do in my Film As Literature course...but at least most of those features are enjoyable to watch.
A long long time ago (really, the mid-late eighties) in a land far away (Denver, CO) a young prince (that'd be ME - I was a teenager, but in your years that is about 80) met a girl (a total skank) and they had a brief relationship (one week, and it was strictly physical because there was no intellectual chemistry there, her being a bimbo and all) and their blissful romance came to a crossroads (she and I kissed each other) when she shoved her tongue so far down the young prince's throat he practically gagged..no, in fact, he did gag, and choked on the girl's unusually long lizard-like tongue (it could also be compared to a slab of Canadian bacon). The girl sucked on the young prince's face, or more appropriately, his entire head like it was a honey baked ham and soon it became apparent to her that she resembled a snake trying to swallow a basketball. The girl realizing her french kiss epic fail and/or heinous esophageal rape, freaked out and acted like the young prince didn't appreciate her awkward advances, (which, after being practically drowned in her saliva and suffocated by her colossal yap, was mostly true) the girl in her hysteria and self-conscious neuroses (which were legion) accused HIM of not knowing how to kiss (???). The girl's accusations and incessant quarreling of course led to more discourse and no intercourse. So then their co-dependent relationship came to an abrupt end. They parted ways. She ended up a drugged-out 250lb cheerleader wannabe, with shoulders as broad as a linebacker's, ass wider than the broad side of a barn, and a wicked stepfather that committed a murder under their own roof (true story). AND the prince was forever grateful he didn't end up marrying that conniving bitch along with her EXCESSIVE baggage (live and learn) and they lived happily ever after. AMEN. The End.
As I've gotten older very few things shock me anymore. Mostly, things that are meant to be shocking end up making me laugh...which happens quite frequently. I often burst out into fits of laughter. I must look like a crazy person...just laughing hysterically seemingly for no reason.
Whether I'm at the bank and see my account balance after I make a deposit; whether I'm opening my mail and come across my latest cable bill; or whether I'm surfing the internets. This would be one of those moments.
"Honey, Have You Seen My Anti Monkey Butt Powder? I Sense a Powerful Chafing Coming On."
- An Ephemerist Blogger
Sat Feb. 21, 2009
STAMFORD, Conn. (Krapsody) – I just took a big dump. Nothing in the world feels better. Really, I know it's gross and probably too much information for you, but that's just how I feel.
And in other news if you hadn't heard about this yet, a chimp ripped some chicks face off, apparently for having a new hairstyle. It must of been a really bad one to piss off a chimp loaded on Xanax. Or maybe the chimp wasn't doped up on Xanax at all, maybe he was just high on life. You'll have to read more of this story to find out...you're in for one hell of a rant.
In Stamford, Connecticut a drug-crazed celebrity chimp was stabbed and shot to death after he mauled a woman's friend nearly to death on Monday Feb 16. Truly a sad tale of a chimp going "bananas" on a lady's face. Turns out the woman who owned the attacking chimp is bananas as well.
Sandra Herold, a 70-year-old widow whose daughter was killed in a car accident several years ago, kept a chimpanzee named Travis as a pet.
Herold said in an interview aired Wednesday morning on NBC's "Today" show that she gave Travis the anti-anxiety drug Xanax in some tea less than five minutes before he attacked her friend Charla Nash, 55 — even showing a reporter the mug.
Travis appeared in TV commercials for Old Navy and Coca-Cola when he was younger, and at home he was treated like a member of the family. A family friend said Herold fed the chimp steak, lobster, ice cream and Italian food. That was one spoiled chimp.
Police have said Herold told them that she gave Travis the chimp Xanax that had not been prescribed for him earlier on Monday to calm him because he had been agitated.
Later Herold told the AP the chimp "was my life" and changed her admission that she gave him any drug, stating she "never, never, never" gave the chimp Xanax. "He [Travis] never had anything but love."
Herold also claimed she loved the now-departed pet chimpanzee Travis like a son, but friends claim their relationship might have been more like that of lovers, The New York Post reports that in addition to Sandra and Travis sharing filet mignon, lobster tails, and wine, "They bathed and slept together. He tenderly brushed her hair. She gave him gifts and sweet kisses. He drew her pictures."
And even if they weren't "intimate intimate," they were intimate, Sandra's unnamed intimates intimated.
Only in New England folks!
Herold speculated that Travis was being protective of her when he attacked Nash, who she said was driving a different car, wearing a new hairstyle and holding an Elmo stuffed toy in front of her face as a present to the chimp.
"She had the toy in front of her. This was just a freak thing," Herold said.
I'll tell you what the freak thing is here, having a chimp for a pet.
"It was the most horrible thing that could ever happen," she said.
Authorities are trying to determine why the chimp, a veteran of TV commercials who could dress himself, drink wine from a glass and use the toilet, suddenly attacked. A test for rabies was negative, Stamford police said.
Nash had gone to Herold's home in Stamford on Monday to help her coax the chimp back into the house after he got out.
After the initial attack, Travis ran away and started roaming Herold's property. An officer shot the chimp several times after it opened the door to his cruiser and started to get in.
Maybe he just wanted to go for a ride?
Sandra Herold, the "Pimpanzee" sounds like somebody I'd wanna hang out with... except for the owning an aggressive drug-addled primate part.
Something tells me Herold might have disrupted Travis' wiring at a very precious age. Come to think of it, I think something disrupted Sandra Herold's wiring at a very precious age. If sanity or the lack of it was criteria by which people could or could not become owners of chimpanzees, we'd all be chimps beating each other over the head with bones.
im gonna keel j0o!
According to Dr. Emil Coccaro, chief of psychiatry at the University of Chicago Medical Center, human studies with Xanax have proven to lead to aggression in people who are unstable to begin with.
seconds after this photo was taken
Cheeta the Xanax poster chimp ripped this man's head off
"Xanax could have made him worse," if human studies are any indication, Coccaro said.
The chimpanzee's rampage forced Herold a.k.a Pimpanzee, initially to pound him with a shovel. Realizing she had the biggest moment of FAIL, Herold eventually ran inside her home to call 911 and returned with a knife.
"For me to do something like that — put a knife in him — was like putting one in myself." Herold said Wednesday. "Then he turned around and [was] like, 'Mom, what did you do?'"
It certainly seems someone should have had their medication that day. And should have also had a tranquilizer gun handy...for Sandra I mean.
I wonder if Sandra Pimpanzee's knuckles get sore from being dragged around on the ground so much?
Herold's voice was filled with fear and horror in 911 tapes released by police Tuesday night.
Travis can be heard grunting as Herold cries for help:
"He's killing my friend!"
The dispatcher says, "Who's killing your friend?"
Herold replies, "My chimpanzee! He ripped her apart! Shoot him, shoot him!"
"Your chimpanzee?" the dispatcher asks in disbelief.
"Yes! Yes! Z0MG YES!" Herold cries.
(screeches and grunts heard in background)
"What's the monkey doing now?" the dispatcher asks.
Who the hell hires these 911 operators? They should be fired along with the operator who would ask such a stupid question and waste time making judgements to assess a situation, when that is really up to the police and paramedics.
What's the woman going to say? "Well..he's done ripping my friends face off now, since you've been stalling for the last five minutes. He's eating a banana and scratching himself at the moment."
So after police arrived, one officer radioed back: "There's a man down. He doesn't look good," he says, referring to the disfigured Nash. "We've got to get this guy out of here. He's got no face."
Charla Nash lost her nose, eyes and jaw. Pleasant..I imagine that was quite horrifying to a small city rookie cop who had probably never even seen blood before.
A visit to Wikipedia regarding Stamford, CT reveals: "Stamford was the ninth-safest city in the United States in 2006 and for the past six years has ranked in the top 11 safest cities with populations of 100,000 or more, according to the FBI. CNN/Money and Money magazine ranked Stamford 46th on its list of the 100 Best Places to Live in the United States."
Unless you have a friend who owns an aggressive chimp.
Doctors at Stamford Hospital said Wednesday that it took four teams of hand specialists, plastic surgeons, specialists in orthopedics, and ophthalmology more than seven hours to stabilize Nash, who made slight progress but remained in critical condition.
Police have said they are looking into the possibility of criminal charges. A pet owner who knew or should have known that an animal was a danger to others can be held criminally responsible.
I have to wonder does Herold feel any remorse or sorrow for her friend's predicament? So far, unless the media hasn't released any additional comments yet, Herold said Nash is a close friend but seems to have only made comments about her beloved chimp.
A defect in Connecticut's laws allowed Herold to keep the chimp in her home, probably illegally. There are rules requiring large primates to be registered by the state, but officials have some discretion in enforcing them and violations carry only minor penalties. Connecticut officials are seeking laws banning potentially dangerous exotic animals.
Primate experts say chimpanzees are unpredictable and dangerous even after living among humans for years. Herold rejected criticism that they are inappropriate pets.
"It's a horrible thing, but I'm not a horrible person and he's not a horrible chimp." she said.
The Crazy Chimp Lady Plot Thickens
As authorities consider criminal charges and the possibility of a lawsuit, Herold backtracked Wednesday on whether she gave the animal the anti-anxiety drug Xanax. She told The Associated Press that she never gave the drug to her 14-year-old chimp, Travis.
However, Herold said in that interview mentioned earlier that she gave Travis the drug in some tea less than five minutes before he attacked Nash, even showing the reporter and viewers the mug, given to him, once again, to calm him because he was "agitated". A necropsy on Travis' body had been performed, but results won't be available for weeks.
That's nice. Could you imagine lying to get out of any responsibility if your dog mangled your friend's face? Who needs friends with enemies like that? I think there are millions of witnesses to her remark that she in fact slipped him a mickey.
Obviously, after Herold heard that Xanax could be the reason why Travis flipped and nearly killed her friend, it's got the woman trying to get out of any wrongdoing.
Lest we forget another woman has come forward claiming Travis attacked her years ago. Leslie Mostel-Paul says she tried shaking Travis' hand, when the chimp tried pulling her through a car window into the car and bit her hand.
Meanwhile, an animal control officer, Lynn DellaBianca, as quoted in that article said she spoke to Herold in 2003 after Travis escaped and frolicked into traffic.
DellaBianca, who ran Stamford's animal shelter at the time, said she warned Herold that the pet's behavior could be a problem.
"Certainly my concern was for public safety," DellaBianca told The AP. "Male chimpanzees, once they reach maturity, can be aggressive. I'm sure I did express that to her."
Herold said she expected to eventually have to give up the chimp, DellaBianca said.
"She did say that herself. She knew someone day he would probably have to go to a sanctuary," DellaBianca said. "She knew chimpanzees, they can get more difficult to handle as they get older."
Krapsody primate behavioral expert, Dubious Monk examines the evidence in this case and came to the following conclusions:
"Are Wild Animals Dangerous?!" Dubious yelled, "No. Not any more than crazy people are. Now feel free to smear monkey pheromones and feces all over yourself and go play with some horny gorillas."
"Gorillas are harmless. Chimpanzees however are vicious. They will smile at you, attempt to look all cute, but lurking just beneath the surface is a monster, waiting..LURKING! Chimpanzees will rip your god-damned face off!!!!"
Bottom line is: Chimps are dangerous! Hello?! Big red truck!
For proof watch a video captured of a chimp beating a man nearly to death simply for wearing Sponge Bob pajamas. LINK
The famous Steve Irwin also had a warning about chimpanzees. Here is a transcript of a PSA he gave a number of years ago.
"Dear World,
Koalas Chimpanzees are dangerous.
k thx bye!
p.s. don’t let them gnaw on your arm for more than 24 hours DON'T offer them bananas with your bare hand, I know this because I made that mistake. Crikey!
Love,
Steve Irwin"
Experts, including Steve Irwin have stated there are ways to avoid chimp attacks as follows:
Drink a couple gallons of monkey pee before your encounter with a chimpanzee
Wear revolutionary Chimp Warfare clothing - which differs greatly from Gorilla Warfare
(more on Gorilla Warfare here)
Act ganksta around a chimp
krunk is showin' you is rollin' in mad bills yo
Don't attempt this at home: K-Fed is not gangsta - he's a Douchebag!
Up until this point we've heard the cons against owning a monkey. Here are 9 reasons why you should own a monkey:
Monkeys. They're awesome. You don't really need a list of reasons to own a monkey, but in case you're curious, here are nine very important ones to consider.
1. Drinking Buddy
Banana liquor -- there's a reason bars serve it. But monkey isn't picky either. He'll drink his own urine if given the chance. If you thought your monkey was funny before, wait until he's dancing on the bar to "Fergalicious" after his tenth shot of Jaeger. The bad part is you'll probably be picking up the tab. Totally worth it though.
2. Designated Driver
If movies from the 80's taught us anything, it's that monkeys can drive (and give the finger). Is a cop going to give a monkey a ticket? I mean, who'd believe him? After a long night of drinking, monkey will probably be the better driver anyway, so give him the keys and fasten your safety belt, because it's going to be a thrill-ride no matter where you're going.
3. Childcare
I've never opened the newspaper to read about some Momma monkey leaving her baby inside a car in 100 degree weather. Never once have I seen an evening news piece about a Daddy monkey being thrown in the back of a cop car while a baby monkey is sent away with Child Protective Services. Monkeys love their children and -- since most babies seem to resemble little, hairless primates -- I'm sure your monkey would take to your infant as if it was his or her own. It's up to you when it comes to breaking your children of poo-flinging, though.
4. Blame
They are always saying that you can't blame an animal for the things it does. For its instincts. Monkeys make the perfect fall guy for your everyday screw-ups. No one gets mad at the monkey. Spilled something? Monkey did it! Ate the last slice of pizza? Monkey did it! Slept with your bosses' wife? Monkey did it! Twice. Who farted? I think we know the answer.
5. Two Players
With a monkey you'll always have a second player for anything you choose to do. Monkeys love all games. And, truthfully, you hate losing, so having a monkey as a second player should give you an easy win every time unless you've foolishly chosen something that involves trees and/or vines.
6. Your Girlfriend's Cat
A monkey will easily solve that problem.
7. Backup
Monkeys are loyal. If you've got beef with someone, monkey's got beef with someone, and he will fight to the death to protect you. How many of your boys would do the same? Plus, monkeys have thumbs and that'll come in handy when it's time to draw down on some punk bitches who dare to roll through your hood.
8. Wingman
You know the situation. You're at the bar and you glance at this hottie in the corner hanging with her ugly friends. One of your bros might say, "Dude. Screw you pal, I ain't jumping on that grenade, but not monkey. Monkey doesn't mind taking one for the team. In fact, monkey prefers ladies with extra body hair.
9. Revenge
No one suspects the monkey. Monkeys don't have criminal records and there will be no cross-examining of the witness. There are no records of monkey fingerprints and a police line-up would be pointless. You can safely have your monkey kill your enemies
The "9 Reasons List.." was brought to you by Top10Kid.com
"Well I don't mind stealing bread
From the mouths of decadents
But I can't feed on the powerless
When my cup's already overfilled
Yeah
But it's on the table
The fire's cooking
And they're farming babies
The slaves are all working
Blood is on the table
The mouths are all choking
But I'm goin' hungry
Yeah"
- excerpt from song "Hunger Strike"
by Temple of the Dog
Octomom? Octopussy? OCTONAUT. Whatever you want to call Nadya Suleman, this is all I know. Nadya, I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why from the day I saw your face I always wake up screaming.
Just for kicks folks, how about we do a bit of a role-play. I'll be the doctor, and you be the patient..or if ya really wanna get kinky, I could be Nadya Suleman and you could inseminate this test tube for me for 20 more screaming babies!
I imagine that Nadya in the near future will be placing a personal ad looking for Mr. Right (Mr. Stupid) and looking for love in all the wrong places. Well, "wooking por nub"..might look like this.
"What human in this planet is capable of taking care of 14 independently without support from family, from friends, from church? No human is!" Suleman was quoted as saying..unless they're unemployed and receiving help from the government to flip the bill to the tune of at least $1.5M, that's how. Riiight. And there are thousands of people who have recently lost their jobs, their homes, and are glad or lucky to have a bowl of warm gruel from a local shelter to feed their children with.
Having had three miscarriages before she attempted in vitro fertilization she must not have heard God correctly. Suleman stated her biological decisions were a "gamble" she was willing to take. You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube on this one.
These 14 children are going to need MORE than a village to help raise them.
Suleman's mother Angela has been housing and supporting her daughter Nadya and her six grandchildren by a previous in vitro fertilization procedure in a "cramped" living arrangement for years. All the while not seeing a dime of Nadya's more than $167,000 settlement on a worker's comp claim, after she was injured in 1999 while employed as a psychiatric technician at a state mental hospital.
Finally, comparisons to Angelina Jolie? Really? I think not. Maybe she wishes that, maybe others are making that comparison. She certainly seems to have had some cosmetic surgery done as shown in this photo of her prior to this latest IVF (in vitro Whaddevadafuck!) Angelina is reportedly "totally creeped out" by the woman.
Geez guys, I can only wish Nadya the best of luck, she's gonna need it considering the cost of raising 14 kids, that is if she intends to return to work...at least part-time to help financially support them. Or she could farm babies and sell them on the black market. Maybe Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie could adopt a few of them to help out?
Of course, there are offers for book deals and business proposals like television programs, but Suleman has not decided on any one project yet. Must be nice to have those options, considering the reasons for her fame.
Well, most people's preconceived idea of fame is that it must be great, but I should think fame, especially that particular kind of fame, most people really would not want. Unless they are insane in the membrane. What. Don't you know Nadya's loco?
Despite this stigma that will likely follow this woman the rest of her days, possibly for her children as well..her current plans are to continue pursuing a master's degree in counseling at California State University at Fullerton, but it seems apparent to me that she needs to be the one seeking counseling. She's literally, quite MAD.
To make matters worse, it makes me ashamed that this 33 year-old person is a representative of Generation-X, my generation. I'm only four years older than this baby-making machine and I have not one single child (to the best of my knowledge.) Uggh, how scary would that be? Her attachment to my generation just adds to the whole negative connotations of people in the 28 to 48 year-old age group.
But in all the mess, it's the children I feel most for here.
Their innocence will be tainted by this media circus and the mere fact their mother is stark raving mad. Imagine future job interviews for one of these kids.
"Name?"
"Suleman, sir/ma'am. Jonah Suleman."
"Oh, I see. Say, you're one of the Octomom's test-tube offspring aren't ya boy?"
"Um, yeah."
"NEXT!"
You know I really do detest feeling cynical, but it's people with this kind of thinking that is ruining the planet. This is clearly a case of the stupid getting rewarded for their asinine behaviors.
I just hope the stupid stop breeding and popping out babies like Pez dispensers long enough for the intelligent people to catch up in numbers. But I suppose that's never gonna happen when the ignorant don't even realize that birth control exists yet, or if they do, they consider it "unnatural" and a "sin."
Mmkay. So...how do I follow that up?
See ya whenever I have an article that tops this one.
Monaco, France (Krapsody) - On Saturday at the Monaco Zoo, Alois Schieklgrüber, one of the most famous elephant trainers in Europe, lost his keys to the animal cages inside an elephant. It was a master set, making the situation all the more urgent. An emergency extraction had to be performed. The elephant, Penelope, is said to be out of harms way and is doing well. It is reported that the keys could have caused a "bowel problem", requiring an unconventional method of removal.
SALT LAKE CITY, Utah - A motorcyclist died in a Utah land speed record attempt last Wednesday. 47-year-old Cliff Gullett of Montana was killed after losing control of his bike at 385 kilometers (239 miles) per hour and crashing on Utah’s famous Bonneville Salt Flats.
Reports said Gullett was aiming to set a record for the fastest two-stroke, two-cylinder motorcycle but instead failed - killing himself and his two canines, a pair of trained corgi dogs named Inky and Stinky, who operated the motorcycle for Gullett. Gullett wanted his pups to experience the thrill of setting a world land speed record and to go down in history as the "goldarned fastest motorcycle drivin' dogs ever".
Investigators weren't sure what caused Inky and Stinky and co-pilot Gullett to lose control of the motorcycle Wednesday during a time trial. Of course the dogs' errors in judgement are considered at fault in the wreck since no one is certain if it was Inky who steered the cycle too far to the left or if it was Stinky who pulled the wheel a bit too far to the right, but in any event it should be said it was Gullett's fatal error in judgement that ultimately cost them their lives.
Gullett leaves behind a wife, a 15-year-old-son, a 10-year-old daughter, a tricycle stunt trained hampster named Spanky and a enormous stack of porn that impressed "the pornstack king" himself, Larry Flint.
Here's a weird one for ya. Feet get a new pedicure treat. A pedicure if you didn't know is a way to improve the appearance of the feet, and their nails. Commonly using a pumice stone to remove dead skin and clipping the nails and filing them all, adding a bit of polish and then a good rub down with some oil.
And if you don't know what a foot is, you have REAL problems.
Same thing used to put in someone's ass, because he or she deserved it.
Ok, now that we have that covered.
Do your foot problems got YOU down? Corns, bunions, dry feet, hang nails. Not anymore.
In Alexandria, Virginia, a spa is selling customers time with a tank of water full of fish that gobble up the dead skin off your crusty ass feet.
That's right, you put your feet in the tank and these puckered foot suckers go at it like there's no tomorrow. This certainly is a new approach to pedicures, gone are the days when Mrs. Wong grinds off that nasty callous on your heel with a belt sander.
According to AP 5,000 customers paid up to $50 for the process called Dr. Fish to smooth out their feet. The only drawback is....
"Apparently the fish in the communal tank would sometimes ignore customers to engage in a feeding frenzy on one client who REALLY needed a pedicure."
A feeding frenzy you say? Did they forget to mention what kind of fish these are?
Ahhhh, now it all makes sense. One customer exclaimed, "It's spectacular. You go in with feet and legs and you roll out on stumps!"
Best read the fine print next time?
article courtesy of CNBC.COM Be sure to read the section on the jet powered wheelchair. It's a Darwin Award in the making. Good stuff!
Want a cush consulting job in information technology? Well wait no longer. If your dream job is in the field of I.T. consulting then all you need is a clip-on tie and a rudimentary understanding of the dangers of fire; "fire bad - computers good." If you can make hand tools with flint rock you are in like Flynn, you furrow browed neanderthal.
Just be sure to plug-in that desktop system whilst standing in a bucket of water you slobbering halfwit. Before you say, c'mon now.. that's not true, that can't be true. No one's that f*cking stupid. Invariably, first person detection of third person f*cktardation is almost always immediately followed by denial, often verbally expressed, especially in the form, "No one's THAT f*cking stupid."
I say, YES, yes they are. I've dealt with them. I digress.
Want a second opinion? Just ask Mark of Neonbubble.com for examples on exactly how stupid an I.T. consultant can be. Be sure to put in your applications if your IQ is 60 or under.
All I can say is, holy shit. If I didn't know any better I'd say that the I.T. employee Mark works with is employed by the federal or state government here in the states, or possibly the IRS. How do these techtards get these jobs? Did McDonald's fire them because they couldn't figure out how the register works and so then I.T. consulting companies pick these stupes up off the curb? Completely mind-blowing.
Baby Commended After Posting "How To Make A Teen Fly" Child Abuse Video On You Tube - Article & video courtesy of Krapsody
Desoto, Georgia A 16-year-old Lee County teenager who had been arrested and charged with felony cruelty to a child after posting a video on YouTube, demonstrating how to "Make A Baby Fly", has received sentencing yesterday which was handed down by Judge Judy who stated the teen boy shall be at the mercy of the baby he inflicted mental cruelty and intent to cause physical injury to.
Judge Judy had the final word when it came to her lightening speed sentencing which has led to a whole new media circus revolving around the baby's decision and statement to make his own YouTube video later that afternoon. That entire video is no longer posted on the YouTube website, however the best footage was edited and reposted this morning which shows excerpts of the baby's tutorial on "How To Make A Teen Fly" has been making it's rounds all over the internet, the baby gleefully posted.
In that video, the baby orders the teen to be tarred and feathered then stuffed head first into a cannon with several tons of ripe watermelons at a local circus event hosted by Barnum-Bailey-Ringling-Seigfried & Roy Bros, then launched the poor bastard who barely weighs in at 92 lbs., head over feet, across the tent - landing on a goose down pillow, oh the irony!
Paparazzi reports of the teen afterwards stated he had shat his pants, was crying with a snot bubble popping in and out of one of his nostrils between his sobs, and wondering why he was getting all this publicity. The camera flashes apparently blinded him as he inadvertently walked into a tigers cage amidst all the confusion.
The tigers were instantly curious about the teen boy as they had no experience with any other humans other than their trainer and the select few persons who fed them. Of course one tiger was much too interested and snapped the teens head off his body like it was a grape on a vine.
Warning this is graphic and is only a re-enactment!
"It was terrible," said Lee County Sheriff, Harold Breeden. "I can't believe a tiger could do something like that!"
"I guess he found out it's not so darned funny after the baby and that hungry tiger got through with him," said Sheriff Breeden. "He'll think twice, uhhh maybe three times, next time you know, about how funny it was."
Funeral services will be held at the Desoto city dump on Thursday. Attendance numbers are expected to be few or possibly nonexistent.
It's rumored that the boy behind the camera is still facing the same charges and punishment as his late friend. More to come on this breaking news story.
Teen Arrested After Posting "How To Make A Baby Fly" Child Abuse Video On You Tube - Article & video courtesy of ThaLunatic Daily and The Dreamin' Demon
This is so sick I can't begin to describe my feelings about it. YouTube has given certain people an outlet for being as stupid and as comtemptable as they want to be. I've done some stupid things like any other person has when they were a kid. But these idiots prove the theory that there is no limit to human stupidity.
Desoto, Georgia A 16-year-old Lee County teenager has been arrested and charged with felony cruelty to a child after posting a video on You Tube, demonstrating how to "Make A Baby Fly".
The video is no longer posted on You Tube, however a news report has been posted, showing excerpts of the video, the teen gleefully posted.
In that video, the teen places the child on an inflatable pillow and then launches it, head over feet, across the room - landing on the bare floor. The infant, who is 8-months-old, was left in the care of the teen who shot the video footage. The other teen involved was his friend and sent the baby flying across the room.
"It was terrible," said Lee County Sheriff, Harold Breeden. "I can't believe a 16-year-old kid would do something like this."
The Lee County Sheriff's department has arrested the teen (who cannot be named because of his age), and booked him into the RYDC, a Juvenile Detention Center. He has been charged with 1st-degree cruelty to children and 3rd-degree cruelty to children.
Police charged the teen with two counts because it considers the act, and then the encouragement of the act, two separate offenses. Police are also leaving the case open, pending a doctor's examination to determine if the child sustained any injuries from the teens behavior.
"It's not going to be funny when the judge gets through with him," said Sheriff Breeden. "He'll think twice next time you know, about how funny it was."
At first it was reported that the boy behind the camera could not be charged with a crime as there was no way to prove that the boy knew what the other teen was about to do. But now, rumors of a second video seem to be a fact and the boy behind the camera is facing the same charges as his friend.
Here's a YouTube video of that local news broadcast regarding the alleged second video.
After reading the story on ThaLunatic Daily I couldn't help but follow up with commentary of my own as feel that incident is one of the most despicable things I have ever seen. The level of disregard for life to me just boggles the mind. Do we blame this entirely on the children involved or do we also place some blame on their parents and society as well. Why if it weren't for tv shows like Jackass or the WWE we might not have things like this occur, unless parents actually used their brains and supervise and teach their children like they ought to. No word on whether the baby is ok, I'm hoping he is. I think all involved including the parents should be brought up on charges and the infants care should be followed up weekly by a social worker once sentencing has been carried out until he reaches adulthood.
We can poke fun at the idea of hurting someone, say for example pushing an old woman down a flight of stairs like in the movie 'Throw Mama from the Train' with Danny DeVito and Billy Crystal.
We can possibly even see the humor in being dysfunctional and abusive to a child, like when Homer Simpson strangles Bart for acting up.
And how about Dead Baby Jokes? Those can be pretty funny, if you can see the humor in them.
Take Andrew Long's post about Baby On Board signs at Shut Your Sprech Hole, a funny take on how other driver's pay attention or react to those signs people put in the back window of their suv's.
Now that's funny. Only because humor is about referring to things in a manner that suggest an element of being funny. A tendency of particular images, stories or situations that provoke laughter and provide amusement which is sometimes subjective. Humor is comprised of three components: wit, mirth, and laughter. And it hardly ever involves real physical violence. The Three Stooges would concur, and I'm sure the makers of Jackass; Johnny Knoxville, Steve-O, etc. would agree as well (even though they go to some extremes on that show).
What isn't funny? Deliberately launching a baby across the room with intention to harm the child, video tape it and post it on YouTube. And then claiming you thought it was funny and didn't intend for the infant to get hurt. I got such a rise out of this I posted a comment on ThaLunatic's post;
~Static~ said...
OMG that is just sickening. I hope they get the teen some MAJOR therapy and that the infant is ok. July 6, 2008 8:48 AM
to which some dimwit claiming to be a personal friend of one of the teens responded;
the deef end said...
hey im a friend to that kid and there is nothing wrong with him just a stupid teenage mistake how many peope have swung their kids around thinking it was funny or made them dizzy and hurt them?? MANY! he did not want to hurt the baby he just mad[e] a mistake and it is ruining his life with all this publicity July 7, 2008 11:38 PM
Well, I hope "deef end" is joking and if they aren't I hope they can pull their head outta their "rear end" long enough to wake up and smell the coffee. You can read my response to deef end and form your own opinions. Personally, I think if the 16-year-olds that did this did not want PUBLICITY then why did they post it on the internet?! They have less value than the energy expended to calculate their worth. If life was fair, I could only hope they'd do a triple summersault through the air, and disappear up their own assholes instead of making babies fly. It's still not funny, unless you are clinically insane or a complete fuckwit.
Since my last post, I have successfully escaped the terrors of Guantanamo Bay! After sneaking out during nappy time, I was able to swipe a couple of Power Bars, a snorkel, escape on foot, and then I swam all the way back to the states.
Along the way I was er... ummm..."harassed" by a sperm whale. He was obviously interested in what I was all about - swimming like a retarded Aquaman out in the open ocean like some freakish frogman...my junk was all egging him on and stuff. Anyway this encounter got me to thinking about another subject of interest.
Several years ago a group of authors in the Archives of Natural History put forth the hypothesis that tales and sightings of sea serpents from yore (including the Loch Ness monster) might actually have been - or probably are - male whales in a state of arousal. Yes, the theory is that it's possible that what sailors or common citizens have seen - all those alleged sea serpent sightings - are actually..whale penises (also called dorks).
As to what exactly is going on here, a little help please! This is obviously some kind of instruction manual, but I am somewhat confused as to what for. It appears to be Japanese (correct me if I'm wrong). Maybe it's instructions for some kind of weird WWII submarine drill kamikaze style or a cartoon about blow-up doll love-making techniques - kamikaze style? Maybe it's a recipe for making teriyaki chicken? All I know is Hiro-san must have been hitting the sake a bit hard when he thrust his blow-up doll's ass out a vent to moon the fish. Not exactly a moment of pride for the Japanese Navy, eh? Yeah, and when the sub took on too much water he wasn't feeling so cocky (no pun intended) then I bet.
Strangest Thing To Do With One's Nipples
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Meet the man who cut off his nipples, and turned them into earrings. Because he could. John Blake says the experience was "interesting". Hating the sensation of his nipples being there, John had the chance for them to be removed, and he took it.
That opportunity came after he saw someone on the internet that had branded his nipples off. John didn’t like the idea of branding, though, and had his sliced off instead. Oh joy! Howie @ Lunacobra.net apparently did the procedure, and afterwards John couldn’t bear to throw them away. So why feed them to the birds, what better thing to do than to wear them in his ears?
Once the no longer offensive nipples were removed, John kept them in his freezer until they turned into nipplicles , eventually thawed the nipplicles out, and let them dry so there wasn’t any moisture in them and then put a little resin in the bottom of some steel tunnels that he already wore in his lobes. Then he let it dry, chucked his nipples in, filled up the tunnels and let it dry overnight. Then, bingo, they were done.
If this wasn't strange enough, next he’s planning to get his navel removed (if he can find someone willing to do it and god knows where he is going to wear that) and has a tentative plan to swap part of his finger with someone else's. I'm surprised he didn't think to swap his ears with his nipples, then he can have his pierced ears with the resin cast nipples in them on his CHEST. What a treat! Article excerpts courtesy Bizarre Magazine UK.
The Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) is an independent US Government agency responsible for providing national security intelligence to senior US policymakers. This also includes a publication available for anyone to view called The World Factbook updated annually. In the Economy category, three fields have been added that focus on capital stocks and investment. They are "Stock of direct foreign investment - at home," "Stock of direct foreign investment - abroad," and "Market value of publicly traded shares." The CIA's World Factbook has a page on each country's current account balance. I can only assume to categorize which countries can be a threat to the CIA. Search for the United States on the page. It's there. After you find it, try to give it a few moments to sink in. Absorb the information and take it in context. See it in perspective and imagine. And these are just trade balances. I don't know about you but I think I'll be calling up China or even Canada the next time I want to party or need a loan. I'm not surprised who's last and I'm not surprised who's first either. What does shock me however, is that Canada is in the top 20.
I selected 'The Cut Ups' as the most maddening of the bunch, a collaborative film work of William Burroughs and Anthony Balch, which brings to cinema an extension of Burroughs' literary cut-up technique. After the first few "Yes and Hellos" you can understand why I'd want my 3 minutes and 13 seconds back. At least I am not subjecting you to the full 20 minute film. Yes? Hello!
Online therapy for the internet addicted hostile personality in you. Dr. Goode will not prescribe more happy pills and send you on your glassy eyed way, nope, she'll be brutally honest with you. Let the healing begin.
Apparently I am broken and can't be fixed. YAY!
Possibly Most Vague Street Sign Ever _________________________________________
Hey, I don't know about you but I like blowing my own horn on occasion. That is unless someone else is doing it for me. And I'll be damned if I can't blow my own horn anytime, anywhere I want. But especially if there is danger present. Maybe I'll blow it just a bit to see if anyone notices. Then blow some more just to make sure the horn still works. Maybe a third time to see if the fire brigade arrives. Why does this remind me of the fable 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf' all of a sudden?
Behold the Power of the Internet _________________________________________
A Jacksonville, Oregon man was the victim of terrorism, or perhaps a personal
vendetta or maybe just a cruel prank when belongings were stolen from his property in such a way that he has little chance of getting much of it back.
Police say the belongings were removed a day after a pair of hoax ads appeared on Craigslist. The ads popped up Saturday afternoon, saying the owner of the Jacksonville home was forced to leave the area suddenly and his belongings, including a horse, were free for the taking.
Man Marries Dog To Lift Curse _________________________________________
We have all heard the 'man bites dog' stories, but how about a real-life 'man marries dog' tale?! This one takes the biscuit, and it could only happen in India, the land of the Kama Sutra.
But you won't find this kind of love story between man and beast in the ancient Indian sex manual. It took place for real during a traditional hindu ceremony at a temple in the southern state of Tamil Nadu. The groom in question was a 33-year-old Indian farmer named Selvakumar, and he was wed to a female dog named Selvi.
He married his four legged bitch to atone for stoning two other dogs to death and stringing them up in a tree 15 years ago. He believed the act cursed him and he had been suffering ever since, he told the Hindustan Times. After he stoned the dogs he said his legs and hands got paralysed, he lost hearing in one ear, and his speech was impaired. With doctors unable to help him, Selvakumar turned to an astrologer who told him he was cursed by the spirits of the dogs he had killed.
He could undo the curse only if he married a dog and live with it, the soothsayer warned. Family members chose a stray female dog who was then bathed and clothed for the wedding occasion. Selvi the bride was brought to the temple by village women and a Hindu priest conducted the ceremony.
The paper showed a picture of Selvakumar sitting next to his canine bride, which was adorned in an orange sari and flower garland. The paper said the groom and his family then had a feast, while the dog got a bun.
It was reported that Selvi attempted to make a bolt for it -- apparently due to the big crowds -- but she was tracked down and returned to her new 'husband'. "The dog is only for lifting the curse and after that, he plans to get a real bride," a friend of the groom said.
Deeply superstitious people in rural India sometimes organize weddings to dogs and other animals, believing it can beat certain curses. Wow, talk about crime and punishment.
What in the heck is Krapsody? Humor, comedy, satire, a medley of militant irony. Not Safe For Anyone, Anywhere at Anytime (NSFAAA). These are my scrawlings about anything I find funny, weird, or want to rant about. Add a dash of sarcasm, spoofs, parodies, some slapstick, some plebian rigmarole, and that gas producing potpourri makes this the place to find out of the ordinary humor. It's All Krap, All The Time. Hey, I didn't say it was EXTRAORDINARY humor, now did I? Suffer Pope!
