Five Facts About Sphincterology

Holden Caulfield might be the only one who thinks Sphincterology was a phony religion, but the rest of us know better. Holden was the first to admit he's the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life, so it's safe to assume that a lunatic confined in a psychiatric hospital with an unnamed diagnosis would know jack shit about Sphincterology, unless he was a psychiatrically disturbed, drug addicted En Ron Flubbard. Let's make sure that doesn't happen to you. Should you ever encounter any argumentative non-believers amongst you, here are five fast facts to add to your arsenal which will put heathens in their place.

1. Sphincterology is full of entirely fake excuses for explaining to emergency room staff how you got that thing stuck in your butt.

The only thing L. Wrong Hubbard was good at was alcoholism and drug use.
And destroying your anus.

El Long Hubbard's self-designed buttplug was his Ayn Rand moment. As I always say, the untrammeled pursuit of self-interest is always good, especially if it's in a semi-conscious daze and steeped in obscene amounts of delusions of grandeur. Molded in his own image, the glowing hypno eyes will surely get you there or at least help you bomb yourselves back to the Dark Ages. This was Hubbard's secret ambition anyway. The only surefire way of silencing his critics. Old Mother Hubbard's dream was to con everyone, and ply them using champagne and Quaaludes so he could sodomize them in his "spaceship", which was just a 1982 Blue Bird motor home, about five miles East of Creston, CA, at the very remote "Emanuel Camp." And since there aren't very many volcanoes in California, the only thing left then was to dispose of his "disciples" at Santa Margarita Lake. If that doesn't make your butthole pucker I'm not sure what will.

2. Sphincterology boasts 100 million members worldwide. That's a lot of assholes.

"Hi, my name is Dave and I'm a huge asshole. This graph behind me not only illustrates this fact,
but it includes the worldwide Sphincterlogist membership numbers as of 2006. Any questions?"

Corporate Sphincterology squeaks from the sewers that there are about 100 million members worldwide (though this number has been used since 2006, so it's probably time for an update). Sphincterology spokespeople blue waffle about how they arrive at this figure – but it's actually no mystery. It's no mystery because there are at least 100 million assholes worldwide, if not more. How many have you met? Plenty, I'm sure. Sphincterologists are everywhere. These are the same assholes that sit around watching birds and wonder "If I could fly who would I shit on first?" To reasonably normal people, like you and I, we know that's just a harmless fantasy. But Sphincterologists want to make it a reality...figuratively speaking. They would like nothing more than to drop blue ice on our heads from their golden DC-8 "space-planes." If you hear one whistling overhead, don't look up. Start running in a zigzag pattern and tell those Fartens to get behind thee.

3. Who doesn't want to be told what to think about things?

Yes. Idaho and Missouri have the most assholes per capita. They also have the most Sphincterologists.
Coincidence? I think not. Just avoid them on your road trips. If you break down in these areas you're screwed.
Thanks, MSNBC.

Sphincterology (which enjoys tax-free status as a religious organisation) has tried unsuccessfully many times to exercise it's "religious freedom" and pass several bills into law. One of the laws proposed by a semi-well known Sphinctertician was to make it legal for the Church of Sphincterology and businesses associated with it to refuse service to non-Sphincterologists. This was clearly discriminatory and illegal to only serve and/or patronize assholes. Who the 'F' do they think they are?? This lends new meaning to the phrase: "Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he’ll starve to death while praying for a fish." All the stuff we take for granted, food, water, even hand jobs are like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any. Under this principle, Sphincterologists could also visit your business, and give you negative 4 stars on Yelp, or scratch you off the evite list depending upon which criteria you fall under.

4. Sphincterologists are scarier than Tyra Banks.

She might be the world's foremost expert on smizing--which is the scariest shit ever--
but don't underestimate the power of Sphincterology to make you lose your shit.

Sphincterologists, like Tyra Banks, have some pretty unconventional ideas regarding beauty and genetics. Both believe scientifically-enhanced beauty will be easily achievable in the future. Although they have different ideas how to make that happen. Tyra thinks plastic surgery will be as quick and easy as taking a pill, and Sphincterologists think you'll be able to have inexpensive procedures done at Walmart walk-in health clinics. Both are pretty scary propositions when you consider who are endorsing them. But I think I'd take my chances with the side-effects from a pill over the side-effects from seeing Dr. Bozo the cosmetic-surgery clown at a Walmart clinic.

5. Hollywood gots the Sphincterologies.

"I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage." - A Sphincterologist

Remember when I said Sphincterologists are everywhere? I wasn't kidding. All of Tinsel Town's elite are Sphincterologists. In other words--all of them are complete assholes. You don't really want to know how the entertainment world actually works, because it would literally scare the shit out of you. The sadistic rituals, blood sacrifice, sexual exploitation, and occult initiation are just a small part of the dark and depraved side of the entertainment industry and the sick motivations of the people who rule it. The horrific truth is that Sphincterologists are behind it all. Their mind controlling rituals turn aspiring artists into traumatized sock puppets. These are sock puppets that have evolved an inbuilt proto-toolmaking behavior and this monkey is unlike you and I in that they take no pleasure in finding the right stick. He knows the stick must have certain qualities – long, thin, not too brittle, but definitely sharp. And he does not experience any pleasure until he stabs you with it. Sphincterologists want you dead. Their motto is "EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later!" And there you are, just standing in the way of their conquest. If I were you I'd just roll over and play dead now.

Stay tuned next week for Krapsody's in depth reports How Black Klansmen are Part of a Vast Right Wing Conspiracy and 15 BS Facts About Black Klansmen Everyone Thinks Are True.