Deathmetal Shopping Network

"Tonight the city is full of morgues, and all the toilets are overflowing. There's shopping malls coming out of the walls, as we walk out among the manure. That's why I pay no mind." - Beck Hansen

When I go grocery shopping I often get the urge to do my shopping as quickly as possible. Really come to think of it, anytime I do any kind of shopping I want to get it done as quickly as possible. As far as all things shopping go, I usually end up going back for things I've forgotten regardless if I had made a list or not. But I usually make lists. It cuts the time spent wandering around aimlessly. And never EVER go shopping hungry.

Speaking of aimless, just like avoiding shopping when you are hungry, make sure you never ever go shopping naked. You will buy everything in the store.

There are things I tried to resist the last time I was at the grocery store, such as some seriously grub cookies that got the chocolatey goodness my stummy desires or a nice big juicy steak, which I don't eat much red meat, so it's a treat for me. No, I'm not a vegetarian and I don't have anything against vegans either, I just try to eat a relatively healthy diet and stay in shape so when I get old I can still kick your ass. That means protein without all the lard.

So seeings as I do my own shopping, I just want to get the dreaded deed done quickly and efficiently. Which will leave me more time for f***ing off.

That's why I think they should have grindcore or some serious death metal cranking in the store instead of those lame muzak or radio stations.





Think about it.


How fast would you get your shopping done if that were the case? Why it might even boost sales! There's something the media and retailers could be happy about. Well, I think my idea is the solution, folks.

People might be more into shopping (well, more often then they normally would be, especially the men shopping with their wives or girlfriends.) Death may be is the preferred choice for men when it comes to shopping. And it will come for you. When you are holding your woman's handbag, a pile of clothes, and thirty shopping bags while she is trying on more clothes in the dressing room. Death came for me alright, and it was drunk. It's a first class ticket out of reality. Your only freedom after school, work, marriage, evenings at bingo, muzak and shopping.

This is how my new vision for the shopping experience would play out: First I'd grab a cart. Second, I'd race down each aisle, and just stick out my arm knocking everything I could off the shelves into my cart and THEN make a mad dash for the check out lane. I'd be done in about five minutes flat, as opposed to the usual six and a half.

As an added bonus I would have tons of food stocked up for weeks after ONE TRIP! This might even help eliminate the fuel shortage and global warming!

People would go nuts over hardcore shopping frenzies. They would be moshing in the aisles. Starting food fights and whatever else deviants can manage to do in public settings.

What do you think? Good idea, bad idea? What are the pros and cons. I want deeply reflective answers here guys. Leave me your comments.





And now time for some Knee Deep - F**kin' Deathcore!



Note: it wasn't until Cookie Monster in his band Cannibal Cookies 
that the death metal genre found their trademark vocal style


Well, I was going to go running with scissors outside while flying a kite at night near a power plant, but all this talk about food is making me hungry. Gotta go do some hardcore shopping.

K thx bye!







nom nom nom nirvana!