Wed Feb 27, 2008 6:29 pm Updated: Sun Jun 2, 2013 2:12 pm
Bovine Colons, Earth (Krapsody) - An article published in Technology News at The Engineer online claimed:
Nine students from the Tech-Israel Institute of Technology have developed a model spacecraft for deflecting objects falling from space. The model has been created in response to the asteroid Apophis which scientists believe will collide with Earth in 2036, and was presented at a competition of NASA and the American Institute of Aeronautics and Astronautics. [Read Full Story]
Summer is finally here. And I have some handy tips compiled in a short list for losing that winter weight fast. Five to be exact - not ten or twenty - that is so 2005. At any rate, after months of being stored under the stairwell, I got out the bike, lubed it up, and checked all the linkages. Gears shifting smoothly, check. Brakes, check. Proper tire pressure, check. I'll take it out for a test spin. Just peddle around a couple miles. No problem. It'll be good exercise.
I carefully carry the bike out through the front door and out onto the porch. I lock up, suit up, and I'm off down the street. I am pedaling away like a 10-year-old with boundless energy. Thrusting my right foot in front of my left as if I am floating on air. Oh, yeah, this is easy. Seven months since I've ridden and I am like a god on wheels.
New Orleans, LA (Krapsody) - BP Oil is already in hot water, so to speak, over the Deepwater Horizon spill, and Gulf State residents are looking to take them to task. Residents seek lost wages, and property compensation that has damaged the fishing industry, tourism, and more. In response to the backlash, BP Oil has taken unprecedented steps to making full amends with the public. By having a public fish fry party.
Although BP still denies the recent Deepwater Horizon oil spill as one of the biggest, if not the most epic, manmade disasters in history. Ever. They make light of the situation by being party assholes.
Concerned about the tourism industry to the Gulf Coast in particular, BP issued a public statement near Grand Isle beaches today. This is a transcript as it happened direct to you our readers:
BP representative Doyle Slick clears his throat and announces, "This is not an environmental disaster, and I will say that again and again because it is a natural phenomena. Oil has seeped into this ocean for centuries."
A crowd gathers.
Doyle continues, "Yes, we had a little, tiny, wee bit of an accident. But let's not forget the heroic number of manual efforts throughout the Gulf Coast to make our beaches safe again."
"This is not a time to cry over spilled oil. This is a time to celebrate. In honor of American citizens and workers nationwide, BP is sponsoring a good ol' fashioned Cajun Fish Fry party!!"
The crowd begins to look at each other in bewilderment. Stifled gasps along with "oohs" and "ahhs" can be heard.
The crowd is hushed as Doyle raises his hands, "What better time to fry up some fish that has been battered, greased, and set on fire for us already?!"
The crowd goes wild. Confetti is thrown into the air.
"Don't mind the flavor, those oil cleanup chemicals are just a bit tangy," Doyle shouts.
At this point the uncontrolled throng turns into a riot. People are throwing their underwear at Doyle.
"And don't mind the feathers and beaks..them's just garnishes! We can start with that dead porpoise right there!!" as he points to a sludge covered carcass on the beach.
Pandemonium erupts. The mob topples over an EPA vehicle and sets fire to a FEMA trailer. A group of people rip a pelican apart, and beat a helpless sea turtle against an oil drum. And blah blah blah...
"The oil also makes a great suntan lotion. Look out Hawaiian Tropic!!!!" Doyle screams above the clamor.
"Come join us in sunny Louisiana!"
Doyle here, showing off his oil slicked hairdo
and his bulging oil spill cleanup bicep.
"Why not just tell people I'm an alien from Mars. Tell them I eat live chickens and do a voodoo dance at midnight. They'll believe anything you say, because you're a reporter. But if I, Michael Jackson, were to say, 'I'm an alien from Mars and I eat live chickens and do a voodoo dance at midnight,' people would say, 'Oh, man, that Michael Jackson is nuts. He's cracked up. You can't believe a damn word that comes out of his mouth.'"
— Michael Jackson "The King of Pop"
Michael Jackson was just weeks away from his FAREWELL tour. Quoted as saying, "This is it. This is it. These will be my final shows, performances, in London. This is it. And when I say this is it, I mean this is it."
"This is really it. This is the final curtain call, OK? See you in July."
But he BEAT IT out of there. The King of Pop has popped his clogs.
No matter what scandals or rumors plagued him, he was still a THRILLER and could always make a crowd of children and adults SCREAM. SCREAM with love, or sometimes with bewilderment, or laughter.
In his illustrious career, Michael more than proved that he could SHAKE YOUR BODY (DOWN TO THE GROUND). CAN YOU FEEL IT? I bet you still can, even today. That's because he's INVINCIBLE.
Which is why it's so hard to believe he's gone. Why, with all the plastic surgery he had, you had to wonder - if not expect that there was some sort of invincibility to the man, like some half-human, half-terminator cyborg, never appearing his age...even I believed that he would outlive everyone. Albeit in the aftermath of a nuclear holocaust.
The hero of many, Michael was always searching for and reinventing himself. In a constant search for the MAN IN THE MIRROR, Michael grew up a child star and surely had a difficult CHILDHOOD..HIStory has a way of catching up to people doesn't it?
Additionally, he was color blind. And Michael made his fans color blind also. No one is sure if he's BLACK OR WHITE to this day.
Jackson put his heart and soul into his work. He was the kinda guy that always WANNA BE STARTIN' SOMETHIN'. He believed in people, he thought that WE ARE THE WORLD.
He was also a shrewd businessman. His friend Paul McCartney told Jackson about the millions of dollars he had made from music catalogs; he was earning approximately $40 million a year from other people's songs. Jackson then began a business career buying, selling and distributing publishing rights to music from numerous artists.
Shortly afterwards, upon hearing that ATV Songs — a music catalog holding thousands of songs, including most of the songs written by Lennon-McCartney between 1963-1973 — was put up for sale. Jackson took immediate interest and got excited, as he did, and skipped around saying, "I want those songs. Get me those songs". Which he did for $47.5 mil.
When McCartney found out he tried to out bid him, Paul begged Yoko Ono to help out - to prevent MJ from getting The Beatles songs..but they failed. Paul later said, "I think it's dodgy to do things like that. To be someone's friend and then buy the rug they're standing on".
In essence, McCartney had been hit by a SMOOTH CRIMINAL. And McCartney politely asked Michael, "If you could be so kind as to remove your knife from my back, please." Not long after that, McCartney strangled Bubbles, Jackson's favorite pet chimp.
Even Farrah Fawcett agrees. When Michael died, he stole her limelight yet again.
It was then that Michael pulled a BLANKET over Paul's head, waved his hand in front of Farrah's face, and showed just how DANGEROUS he could be..by confusing them both with his ferocious dance moves before he took that hot trip to heaven.
Paul fell asleep like a caged bird, and Farrah fell into a trance. Giving Michael the upper hand once again!
When he was among us, all Michael really wanted to do was HEAL THE WORLD. If you thought Michael was as cool as he was made out to be, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Can't get enough of him? DON'T STOP 'TIL YOU GET ENOUGH! Which I hear many of you are...buying up all his memorabilia like that's all there is to the man, or like it's going out of style.
Michael is gone now. He's doing the eternal MOONWALK up in the great big NEVERLAND RANCH in the sky.
He touched many people, mostly children...other people's children. And now he's in a place where he can no longer touch them. Ooh, that sounded really BAD.
According to Dr. Kevorkian, this site alone, but especially if combined with memes and internet jokes, such as Goatse and/or Tubgirl have destroyed massive amounts of neurons in all of his patients, resulting in eventual brain death to the viewer.
BUT for a limited time only he is offering a new experimental euthanization for the discounted price of $29.95
The Farewell Tour prescription drug!
Order now! ..or feel free to continue the suffering and prolonging of: the inevitability of being in chronic pain - being a vegetable - being a famous celebrity devoid of privacy constantly harassed by people who never leave you alone - being famous but accused of criminal acts that ruin your career and the only way out is death - being a pathetic second-rate commiserable blogger who writes articles in poor taste thereby alienating themself from the blogosphere - or of just being some nobody that people don't care about.
For a one-time-only payment of $29.95 Farewell Tour is the faster - more effective injectable euthanization process*. Just one shot, and it's like taking a nap. Forever.
It worked for Michael and now it can work for you!†
Order today!
*Proven effective for up to the rest of your life in clinical studies.
† Individual results may vary. This is the very same procedure Michael Jackson used..but only resulted in his cardiac arrest. Don't expect the same results as Michael, he was a tough nut to crack.
IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION
The Farewell Tour prescription drug is a treatment option you and your doctor can consider along with lifestyle changes. When taking it, don’t drive or operate machinery. Plan to devote the rest of your natural waking life to sleep before trying to be active. Sleepwalking, moonwalking, and eating or driving while not fully awake, with memory loss for the event, as well as abnormal behaviors such as being more outgoing or aggressive than normal, confusion, agitation, hallucinations, and death may occur. Don’t take it with alcohol as it may increase these behaviors.
In patients with depression, worsening of depression, including risk of suicide may or definitely will occur. If you experience any of these behaviors contact your doctor immediately. Allergic reactions such as shortness of breath, swelling of your tongue or throat, blurred vision, may occur and in most cases may be fatal. If you have an allergic reaction while using Farewell Tour, contact your doctor immediately. Side effects of Farewell Tour may include next-day drowsiness, dizziness, headache, or interment (burial). There is a low occurrence of side effects associated with the short-term use of Farewell Tour. The most commonly observed side effects in controlled clinical trials were drowsiness, dizziness, diarrhea, and death. Side effects also include the disappearance of your doctor, but don't worry this is a temporary side effect and will be resolved with the police impounding his or her vehicle, their on-going investigations, and local medical examiner autopsy reports.
Farewell Tour is taken for 7 to 10 minutes –or longer as advised by your provider. Farewell Tour can be taken as long as your doctor recommends. Farewell Tour has some risk of dependency. Especially if it doesn't work the first time, but Farewell Tour is non-narcotic. What a relief huh?
Please consult your doctor for full prescribing information and medication guide.
Note: to anyone who thought you couldn't construct a blog article composed of song titles and/or names of possessions related to an individual then here's proof to the contrary. Pop goes the weasel.
UPDATE!
Farewell Tour drug has been used by Karl Malden and is being considered as a final treatment by Ponzi-schemer Bernard Madoff.
"I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers."
I am sick of hearing about the swine flu epidemic!
Krapsody just did the math, and we are...eh..I am not so good (in fact you could say HORRIBLE) at math - but according to "our" calculations: .000003% of the planet's population is infected. I think it's okay to be cautious, but I also think we should be realistic about the threat.
All the ridiculous paranoia and internet buzz over it now.
Drivel that includes:
"How do you think the Swine Flu will affect the USA? I'm guessing not too bad... vote now!"
"It was once said that a black man would be president "when pigs fly" indeed 100 days into Obama's presidency SWINE FLU!"
"How does one steer clear of swine flu? ...GO VEGAN!!!"
"Wash your hands!"
"Avoid people who have the sniffles!"
"Avoid anyone coughing!"
"Cough into your elbow!"
"Avoid people and public places!"
"Don't eat any pork products!"
"Is ham made from pigs?!"
Blah blah blah fercrissakes what a mob of bumbling idiots! Blaming Mexico and pigs. As far as washing hands and coughing or sneezing into your elbow, that's just common sense. Do we really have to be reminded of this? But washing your hands alone isn't going to be enough if the virus spreads via airborne transmission.
It seems to me that if it was as infectious as the CDC, the US Department of Health and the WHO are making it out to be..
..then more people have probably been exposed than they are counting on...which I believe more people would have it by now. Since I have every disease known to man..that makes me an expert on infectious diseases.
141 people in the U.S. get swine flu and everyone is wearing masks--millions of people get AIDS and no one wants to wear condoms? What the devil is that all about?
I've read about the media creating mass hysteria, recently even, in my psychology class. I could understand how Orson Wells and the War of the World's radio broadcast in 1938 sent people jumping out of windows in a fit of hysterics. People were paranoid, more impressionable and had access to less information than we do in our era.
Speaking of stupidity and ignorance in the information age, I have to wonder why Russia decided to ban imports of beef and possibly chicken because of swine flu. Does this seem like logical reasoning?
And what about people who have allergies? If they sneeze or cough, are they going to be dragged off to a quarantine camp somewhere for fear they have the dreaded sow sickness?
I get the fact that this could be considered a health threat. For gosh sakes nearly...16 people in Mexico died from it..but Mexico doesn't have the greatest health care system in the world either. Children, the elderly, and those with compromised immune systems are most at risk. So be sure to pack them all into a biohazard suit until the coast is clear.
Do you know how to tell if you have swine flu? Your tail curls. No seriously, click that link for some advice from a doctor about the poop on swine flu, quit letting others tell you what it is or how it spreads and find out for yourself. edit: so do you have swine flu?
I think ignorance and believing things that just aren't true are the real epidemic. Frankly, poor grammar is a worse epidemic than swine flu in my opinion.
Swine flu's got nothing on good ol' bubonic plague...I'm just sayin'. I think we'll have a vaccine strong enough to combat the swine flu before any epidemic rivals that of the Black Death.
The name the WHO gave it even sucks. Swine Flu. Why not: Hog Virus or Piggy Syndrome? But noooooooooo! They wouldn't listen to me!
Their media circus has led other nations like Egypt to slaughter thousands of pigs, hoping to stop the spread of the disease. In the wake of the "swine flu" hysteria the WHO have created, they've now decided to RENAME the bug.
WHO spokesman Dick Thompson acknowledged that the term "swine flu" was misleading consumers and needlessly causing countries to ban pork products and order the slaughter of pigs, over concerns the agriculture industry and U.N. food agency had expressed.
"Rather than calling this swine flu ... we're going to stick with the technical scientific name H1N1 influenza A," Thompson said.
It's now called, H1N1 Influenza A? Gee, that's a much better name alright...
The virus isn't a new one either, as far back as the 70's they discovered the virus in four different forms originating in pigs, but probably mutated at some point and spread with human-to-human contact.
Keep in mind that this virus is infectious up to 48 hours before symptoms appear, so your "well appearing" contacts may actually be infectious. Holding your breath in confined spaces is highly recommended. IF you start turning blue, just continue holding your breath..either way you're screwed pal.
And also keep avoiding pork products. Be sure to wash your hands every five seconds, people will think you are OCD and have you sent off to a rubber room.
It's ironic that people freak out if someone leaves their dog in the car while they buy a quart of milk. But it's ok to lock 5,000 pigs in a confinement center to wallow in their own shit festering with diseases, so close together all they can do is sniff the ass of the pig in front of them.
That's the true face of "the other white meat". What a load of pig shit. The pig has had it rough enough. Lay off them for awhile, ya jerks!
Lastly, health smealth. WHO cares? Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Death should not be seen as the end, but as a very effective way to cut down expenses. Swine flu is the best thing that ever happened to me. Flights are super cheap because of it. Mexico here I come..I'll be as happy as a pig wallowing in it's own zen!
I'm gonna go get kinky with some swine. See ya when I see ya (or not because I may get H1N1 Influenza A hog virus and spew out my last krap ever)!
In Calexico, California a cook says she saw the likeness of the Virgin Mary on a griddle as it was being cleaned.
Maybe we can all pray to the Virgin Mary griddle that we don't have a swine flu epidemic on our hands and then we'll make some killer pork lard pancakes with it...and a side of bacon.
p.s. Happy Mother's Day
who said you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig?
"Honey, Have You Seen My Anti Monkey Butt Powder? I Sense a Powerful Chafing Coming On."
- An Ephemerist Blogger
Sat Feb. 21, 2009
STAMFORD, Conn. (Krapsody) – I just took a big dump. Nothing in the world feels better. Really, I know it's gross and probably too much information for you, but that's just how I feel.
And in other news if you hadn't heard about this yet, a chimp ripped some chicks face off, apparently for having a new hairstyle. It must of been a really bad one to piss off a chimp loaded on Xanax. Or maybe the chimp wasn't doped up on Xanax at all, maybe he was just high on life. You'll have to read more of this story to find out...you're in for one hell of a rant.
In Stamford, Connecticut a drug-crazed celebrity chimp was stabbed and shot to death after he mauled a woman's friend nearly to death on Monday Feb 16. Truly a sad tale of a chimp going "bananas" on a lady's face. Turns out the woman who owned the attacking chimp is bananas as well.
Sandra Herold, a 70-year-old widow whose daughter was killed in a car accident several years ago, kept a chimpanzee named Travis as a pet.
Herold said in an interview aired Wednesday morning on NBC's "Today" show that she gave Travis the anti-anxiety drug Xanax in some tea less than five minutes before he attacked her friend Charla Nash, 55 — even showing a reporter the mug.
Travis appeared in TV commercials for Old Navy and Coca-Cola when he was younger, and at home he was treated like a member of the family. A family friend said Herold fed the chimp steak, lobster, ice cream and Italian food. That was one spoiled chimp.
Police have said Herold told them that she gave Travis the chimp Xanax that had not been prescribed for him earlier on Monday to calm him because he had been agitated.
Later Herold told the AP the chimp "was my life" and changed her admission that she gave him any drug, stating she "never, never, never" gave the chimp Xanax. "He [Travis] never had anything but love."
Herold also claimed she loved the now-departed pet chimpanzee Travis like a son, but friends claim their relationship might have been more like that of lovers, The New York Post reports that in addition to Sandra and Travis sharing filet mignon, lobster tails, and wine, "They bathed and slept together. He tenderly brushed her hair. She gave him gifts and sweet kisses. He drew her pictures."
And even if they weren't "intimate intimate," they were intimate, Sandra's unnamed intimates intimated.
Only in New England folks!
Herold speculated that Travis was being protective of her when he attacked Nash, who she said was driving a different car, wearing a new hairstyle and holding an Elmo stuffed toy in front of her face as a present to the chimp.
"She had the toy in front of her. This was just a freak thing," Herold said.
I'll tell you what the freak thing is here, having a chimp for a pet.
"It was the most horrible thing that could ever happen," she said.
Authorities are trying to determine why the chimp, a veteran of TV commercials who could dress himself, drink wine from a glass and use the toilet, suddenly attacked. A test for rabies was negative, Stamford police said.
Nash had gone to Herold's home in Stamford on Monday to help her coax the chimp back into the house after he got out.
After the initial attack, Travis ran away and started roaming Herold's property. An officer shot the chimp several times after it opened the door to his cruiser and started to get in.
Maybe he just wanted to go for a ride?
Sandra Herold, the "Pimpanzee" sounds like somebody I'd wanna hang out with... except for the owning an aggressive drug-addled primate part.
Something tells me Herold might have disrupted Travis' wiring at a very precious age. Come to think of it, I think something disrupted Sandra Herold's wiring at a very precious age. If sanity or the lack of it was criteria by which people could or could not become owners of chimpanzees, we'd all be chimps beating each other over the head with bones.
im gonna keel j0o!
According to Dr. Emil Coccaro, chief of psychiatry at the University of Chicago Medical Center, human studies with Xanax have proven to lead to aggression in people who are unstable to begin with.
seconds after this photo was taken
Cheeta the Xanax poster chimp ripped this man's head off
"Xanax could have made him worse," if human studies are any indication, Coccaro said.
The chimpanzee's rampage forced Herold a.k.a Pimpanzee, initially to pound him with a shovel. Realizing she had the biggest moment of FAIL, Herold eventually ran inside her home to call 911 and returned with a knife.
"For me to do something like that — put a knife in him — was like putting one in myself." Herold said Wednesday. "Then he turned around and [was] like, 'Mom, what did you do?'"
It certainly seems someone should have had their medication that day. And should have also had a tranquilizer gun handy...for Sandra I mean.
I wonder if Sandra Pimpanzee's knuckles get sore from being dragged around on the ground so much?
Herold's voice was filled with fear and horror in 911 tapes released by police Tuesday night.
Travis can be heard grunting as Herold cries for help:
"He's killing my friend!"
The dispatcher says, "Who's killing your friend?"
Herold replies, "My chimpanzee! He ripped her apart! Shoot him, shoot him!"
"Your chimpanzee?" the dispatcher asks in disbelief.
"Yes! Yes! Z0MG YES!" Herold cries.
(screeches and grunts heard in background)
"What's the monkey doing now?" the dispatcher asks.
Who the hell hires these 911 operators? They should be fired along with the operator who would ask such a stupid question and waste time making judgements to assess a situation, when that is really up to the police and paramedics.
What's the woman going to say? "Well..he's done ripping my friends face off now, since you've been stalling for the last five minutes. He's eating a banana and scratching himself at the moment."
So after police arrived, one officer radioed back: "There's a man down. He doesn't look good," he says, referring to the disfigured Nash. "We've got to get this guy out of here. He's got no face."
Charla Nash lost her nose, eyes and jaw. Pleasant..I imagine that was quite horrifying to a small city rookie cop who had probably never even seen blood before.
A visit to Wikipedia regarding Stamford, CT reveals: "Stamford was the ninth-safest city in the United States in 2006 and for the past six years has ranked in the top 11 safest cities with populations of 100,000 or more, according to the FBI. CNN/Money and Money magazine ranked Stamford 46th on its list of the 100 Best Places to Live in the United States."
Unless you have a friend who owns an aggressive chimp.
Doctors at Stamford Hospital said Wednesday that it took four teams of hand specialists, plastic surgeons, specialists in orthopedics, and ophthalmology more than seven hours to stabilize Nash, who made slight progress but remained in critical condition.
Police have said they are looking into the possibility of criminal charges. A pet owner who knew or should have known that an animal was a danger to others can be held criminally responsible.
I have to wonder does Herold feel any remorse or sorrow for her friend's predicament? So far, unless the media hasn't released any additional comments yet, Herold said Nash is a close friend but seems to have only made comments about her beloved chimp.
A defect in Connecticut's laws allowed Herold to keep the chimp in her home, probably illegally. There are rules requiring large primates to be registered by the state, but officials have some discretion in enforcing them and violations carry only minor penalties. Connecticut officials are seeking laws banning potentially dangerous exotic animals.
Primate experts say chimpanzees are unpredictable and dangerous even after living among humans for years. Herold rejected criticism that they are inappropriate pets.
"It's a horrible thing, but I'm not a horrible person and he's not a horrible chimp." she said.
The Crazy Chimp Lady Plot Thickens
As authorities consider criminal charges and the possibility of a lawsuit, Herold backtracked Wednesday on whether she gave the animal the anti-anxiety drug Xanax. She told The Associated Press that she never gave the drug to her 14-year-old chimp, Travis.
However, Herold said in that interview mentioned earlier that she gave Travis the drug in some tea less than five minutes before he attacked Nash, even showing the reporter and viewers the mug, given to him, once again, to calm him because he was "agitated". A necropsy on Travis' body had been performed, but results won't be available for weeks.
That's nice. Could you imagine lying to get out of any responsibility if your dog mangled your friend's face? Who needs friends with enemies like that? I think there are millions of witnesses to her remark that she in fact slipped him a mickey.
Obviously, after Herold heard that Xanax could be the reason why Travis flipped and nearly killed her friend, it's got the woman trying to get out of any wrongdoing.
Lest we forget another woman has come forward claiming Travis attacked her years ago. Leslie Mostel-Paul says she tried shaking Travis' hand, when the chimp tried pulling her through a car window into the car and bit her hand.
Meanwhile, an animal control officer, Lynn DellaBianca, as quoted in that article said she spoke to Herold in 2003 after Travis escaped and frolicked into traffic.
DellaBianca, who ran Stamford's animal shelter at the time, said she warned Herold that the pet's behavior could be a problem.
"Certainly my concern was for public safety," DellaBianca told The AP. "Male chimpanzees, once they reach maturity, can be aggressive. I'm sure I did express that to her."
Herold said she expected to eventually have to give up the chimp, DellaBianca said.
"She did say that herself. She knew someone day he would probably have to go to a sanctuary," DellaBianca said. "She knew chimpanzees, they can get more difficult to handle as they get older."
Krapsody primate behavioral expert, Dubious Monk examines the evidence in this case and came to the following conclusions:
"Are Wild Animals Dangerous?!" Dubious yelled, "No. Not any more than crazy people are. Now feel free to smear monkey pheromones and feces all over yourself and go play with some horny gorillas."
"Gorillas are harmless. Chimpanzees however are vicious. They will smile at you, attempt to look all cute, but lurking just beneath the surface is a monster, waiting..LURKING! Chimpanzees will rip your god-damned face off!!!!"
Bottom line is: Chimps are dangerous! Hello?! Big red truck!
For proof watch a video captured of a chimp beating a man nearly to death simply for wearing Sponge Bob pajamas. LINK
The famous Steve Irwin also had a warning about chimpanzees. Here is a transcript of a PSA he gave a number of years ago.
"Dear World,
Koalas Chimpanzees are dangerous.
k thx bye!
p.s. don’t let them gnaw on your arm for more than 24 hours DON'T offer them bananas with your bare hand, I know this because I made that mistake. Crikey!
Love,
Steve Irwin"
Experts, including Steve Irwin have stated there are ways to avoid chimp attacks as follows:
Drink a couple gallons of monkey pee before your encounter with a chimpanzee
Wear revolutionary Chimp Warfare clothing - which differs greatly from Gorilla Warfare
(more on Gorilla Warfare here)
Act ganksta around a chimp
krunk is showin' you is rollin' in mad bills yo
Don't attempt this at home: K-Fed is not gangsta - he's a Douchebag!
Up until this point we've heard the cons against owning a monkey. Here are 9 reasons why you should own a monkey:
Monkeys. They're awesome. You don't really need a list of reasons to own a monkey, but in case you're curious, here are nine very important ones to consider.
1. Drinking Buddy
Banana liquor -- there's a reason bars serve it. But monkey isn't picky either. He'll drink his own urine if given the chance. If you thought your monkey was funny before, wait until he's dancing on the bar to "Fergalicious" after his tenth shot of Jaeger. The bad part is you'll probably be picking up the tab. Totally worth it though.
2. Designated Driver
If movies from the 80's taught us anything, it's that monkeys can drive (and give the finger). Is a cop going to give a monkey a ticket? I mean, who'd believe him? After a long night of drinking, monkey will probably be the better driver anyway, so give him the keys and fasten your safety belt, because it's going to be a thrill-ride no matter where you're going.
3. Childcare
I've never opened the newspaper to read about some Momma monkey leaving her baby inside a car in 100 degree weather. Never once have I seen an evening news piece about a Daddy monkey being thrown in the back of a cop car while a baby monkey is sent away with Child Protective Services. Monkeys love their children and -- since most babies seem to resemble little, hairless primates -- I'm sure your monkey would take to your infant as if it was his or her own. It's up to you when it comes to breaking your children of poo-flinging, though.
4. Blame
They are always saying that you can't blame an animal for the things it does. For its instincts. Monkeys make the perfect fall guy for your everyday screw-ups. No one gets mad at the monkey. Spilled something? Monkey did it! Ate the last slice of pizza? Monkey did it! Slept with your bosses' wife? Monkey did it! Twice. Who farted? I think we know the answer.
5. Two Players
With a monkey you'll always have a second player for anything you choose to do. Monkeys love all games. And, truthfully, you hate losing, so having a monkey as a second player should give you an easy win every time unless you've foolishly chosen something that involves trees and/or vines.
6. Your Girlfriend's Cat
A monkey will easily solve that problem.
7. Backup
Monkeys are loyal. If you've got beef with someone, monkey's got beef with someone, and he will fight to the death to protect you. How many of your boys would do the same? Plus, monkeys have thumbs and that'll come in handy when it's time to draw down on some punk bitches who dare to roll through your hood.
8. Wingman
You know the situation. You're at the bar and you glance at this hottie in the corner hanging with her ugly friends. One of your bros might say, "Dude. Screw you pal, I ain't jumping on that grenade, but not monkey. Monkey doesn't mind taking one for the team. In fact, monkey prefers ladies with extra body hair.
9. Revenge
No one suspects the monkey. Monkeys don't have criminal records and there will be no cross-examining of the witness. There are no records of monkey fingerprints and a police line-up would be pointless. You can safely have your monkey kill your enemies
The "9 Reasons List.." was brought to you by Top10Kid.com
"Tonight the city is full of morgues, and all the toilets are overflowing. There's shopping malls coming out of the walls, as we walk out among the manure. That's why I pay no mind." - Beck Hansen
When I go grocery shopping I often get the urge to do my shopping as quickly as possible. Really come to think of it, anytime I do any kind of shopping I want to get it done as quickly as possible. As far as all things shopping go, I usually end up going back for things I've forgotten regardless if I had made a list or not. But I usually make lists. It cuts the time spent wandering around aimlessly. And never EVER go shopping hungry.
Speaking of aimless, just like avoiding shopping when you are hungry, make sure you never ever go shopping naked. You will buy everything in the store.
There are things I tried to resist the last time I was at the grocery store, such as some seriously grub cookies that got the chocolatey goodness my stummy desires or a nice big juicy steak, which I don't eat much red meat, so it's a treat for me. No, I'm not a vegetarian and I don't have anything against vegans either, I just try to eat a relatively healthy diet and stay in shape so when I get old I can still kick your ass. That means protein without all the lard.
So seeings as I do my own shopping, I just want to get the dreaded deed done quickly and efficiently. Which will leave me more time for f***ing off.
That's why I think they should have grindcore or some serious death metal cranking in the store instead of those lame muzak or radio stations.
Thinkaboutit.
How fast would you get your shopping done if that were the case? Why it might even boost sales! There's something the media and retailers could be happy about. Well, I think my idea is the solution, folks.
People might be more into shopping (well, more often then they normally would be, especially the men shopping with their wives or girlfriends.) Death may beis the preferred choice for men when it comes to shopping. And it will come for you. When you are holding your woman's handbag, a pile of clothes, and thirty shopping bags while she is trying on more clothes in the dressing room. Death came for me alright, and it was drunk. It's a first class ticket out of reality. Your only freedom after school, work, marriage, evenings at bingo, muzak and shopping.
This is how my new vision for the shopping experience would play out: First I'd grab a cart. Second, I'd race down each aisle, and just stick out my arm knocking everything I could off the shelves into my cart and THEN make a mad dash for the check out lane. I'd be done in about five minutes flat, as opposed to the usual six and a half.
As an added bonus I would have tons of food stocked up for weeks after ONE TRIP! This might even help eliminate the fuel shortage and global warming!
People would go nuts over hardcore shopping frenzies. They would be moshing in the aisles. Starting food fights and whatever else deviants can manage to do in public settings.
What do you think? Good idea, bad idea? What are the pros and cons. I want deeply reflective answers here guys. Leave me your comments.
And now time for some Knee Deep - F**kin' Deathcore!
Well, I was going to go running with scissors outside while flying a kite at night near a power plant, but all this talk about food is making me hungry. Gotta go do some hardcore shopping.
This is a story about the ACCCE's Magical Mystery Carbon Storage Adventure! and their Bad Holiday Campaign to promote "clean coal."
ACCCE in recent years has spread its falsehoods on TV, radio, and in print, often spending millions. In 2008, ACCCE’s clean coal campaign reportedly had $50 million to spend on pro-coal, anti-climate initiatives.
Baby Commended After Posting "How To Make A Teen Fly" Child Abuse Video On You Tube - Article & video courtesy of Krapsody
Desoto, Georgia A 16-year-old Lee County teenager who had been arrested and charged with felony cruelty to a child after posting a video on YouTube, demonstrating how to "Make A Baby Fly", has received sentencing yesterday which was handed down by Judge Judy who stated the teen boy shall be at the mercy of the baby he inflicted mental cruelty and intent to cause physical injury to.
Judge Judy had the final word when it came to her lightening speed sentencing which has led to a whole new media circus revolving around the baby's decision and statement to make his own YouTube video later that afternoon. That entire video is no longer posted on the YouTube website, however the best footage was edited and reposted this morning which shows excerpts of the baby's tutorial on "How To Make A Teen Fly" has been making it's rounds all over the internet, the baby gleefully posted.
In that video, the baby orders the teen to be tarred and feathered then stuffed head first into a cannon with several tons of ripe watermelons at a local circus event hosted by Barnum-Bailey-Ringling-Seigfried & Roy Bros, then launched the poor bastard who barely weighs in at 92 lbs., head over feet, across the tent - landing on a goose down pillow, oh the irony!
Paparazzi reports of the teen afterwards stated he had shat his pants, was crying with a snot bubble popping in and out of one of his nostrils between his sobs, and wondering why he was getting all this publicity. The camera flashes apparently blinded him as he inadvertently walked into a tigers cage amidst all the confusion.
The tigers were instantly curious about the teen boy as they had no experience with any other humans other than their trainer and the select few persons who fed them. Of course one tiger was much too interested and snapped the teens head off his body like it was a grape on a vine.
Warning this is graphic and is only a re-enactment!
"It was terrible," said Lee County Sheriff, Harold Breeden. "I can't believe a tiger could do something like that!"
"I guess he found out it's not so darned funny after the baby and that hungry tiger got through with him," said Sheriff Breeden. "He'll think twice, uhhh maybe three times, next time you know, about how funny it was."
Funeral services will be held at the Desoto city dump on Thursday. Attendance numbers are expected to be few or possibly nonexistent.
It's rumored that the boy behind the camera is still facing the same charges and punishment as his late friend. More to come on this breaking news story.
Teen Arrested After Posting "How To Make A Baby Fly" Child Abuse Video On You Tube - Article & video courtesy of ThaLunatic Daily and The Dreamin' Demon
This is so sick I can't begin to describe my feelings about it. YouTube has given certain people an outlet for being as stupid and as comtemptable as they want to be. I've done some stupid things like any other person has when they were a kid. But these idiots prove the theory that there is no limit to human stupidity.
Desoto, Georgia A 16-year-old Lee County teenager has been arrested and charged with felony cruelty to a child after posting a video on You Tube, demonstrating how to "Make A Baby Fly".
The video is no longer posted on You Tube, however a news report has been posted, showing excerpts of the video, the teen gleefully posted.
In that video, the teen places the child on an inflatable pillow and then launches it, head over feet, across the room - landing on the bare floor. The infant, who is 8-months-old, was left in the care of the teen who shot the video footage. The other teen involved was his friend and sent the baby flying across the room.
"It was terrible," said Lee County Sheriff, Harold Breeden. "I can't believe a 16-year-old kid would do something like this."
The Lee County Sheriff's department has arrested the teen (who cannot be named because of his age), and booked him into the RYDC, a Juvenile Detention Center. He has been charged with 1st-degree cruelty to children and 3rd-degree cruelty to children.
Police charged the teen with two counts because it considers the act, and then the encouragement of the act, two separate offenses. Police are also leaving the case open, pending a doctor's examination to determine if the child sustained any injuries from the teens behavior.
"It's not going to be funny when the judge gets through with him," said Sheriff Breeden. "He'll think twice next time you know, about how funny it was."
At first it was reported that the boy behind the camera could not be charged with a crime as there was no way to prove that the boy knew what the other teen was about to do. But now, rumors of a second video seem to be a fact and the boy behind the camera is facing the same charges as his friend.
Here's a YouTube video of that local news broadcast regarding the alleged second video.
After reading the story on ThaLunatic Daily I couldn't help but follow up with commentary of my own as feel that incident is one of the most despicable things I have ever seen. The level of disregard for life to me just boggles the mind. Do we blame this entirely on the children involved or do we also place some blame on their parents and society as well. Why if it weren't for tv shows like Jackass or the WWE we might not have things like this occur, unless parents actually used their brains and supervise and teach their children like they ought to. No word on whether the baby is ok, I'm hoping he is. I think all involved including the parents should be brought up on charges and the infants care should be followed up weekly by a social worker once sentencing has been carried out until he reaches adulthood.
We can poke fun at the idea of hurting someone, say for example pushing an old woman down a flight of stairs like in the movie 'Throw Mama from the Train' with Danny DeVito and Billy Crystal.
We can possibly even see the humor in being dysfunctional and abusive to a child, like when Homer Simpson strangles Bart for acting up.
And how about Dead Baby Jokes? Those can be pretty funny, if you can see the humor in them.
Take Andrew Long's post about Baby On Board signs at Shut Your Sprech Hole, a funny take on how other driver's pay attention or react to those signs people put in the back window of their suv's.
Now that's funny. Only because humor is about referring to things in a manner that suggest an element of being funny. A tendency of particular images, stories or situations that provoke laughter and provide amusement which is sometimes subjective. Humor is comprised of three components: wit, mirth, and laughter. And it hardly ever involves real physical violence. The Three Stooges would concur, and I'm sure the makers of Jackass; Johnny Knoxville, Steve-O, etc. would agree as well (even though they go to some extremes on that show).
What isn't funny? Deliberately launching a baby across the room with intention to harm the child, video tape it and post it on YouTube. And then claiming you thought it was funny and didn't intend for the infant to get hurt. I got such a rise out of this I posted a comment on ThaLunatic's post;
~Static~ said...
OMG that is just sickening. I hope they get the teen some MAJOR therapy and that the infant is ok. July 6, 2008 8:48 AM
to which some dimwit claiming to be a personal friend of one of the teens responded;
the deef end said...
hey im a friend to that kid and there is nothing wrong with him just a stupid teenage mistake how many peope have swung their kids around thinking it was funny or made them dizzy and hurt them?? MANY! he did not want to hurt the baby he just mad[e] a mistake and it is ruining his life with all this publicity July 7, 2008 11:38 PM
Well, I hope "deef end" is joking and if they aren't I hope they can pull their head outta their "rear end" long enough to wake up and smell the coffee. You can read my response to deef end and form your own opinions. Personally, I think if the 16-year-olds that did this did not want PUBLICITY then why did they post it on the internet?! They have less value than the energy expended to calculate their worth. If life was fair, I could only hope they'd do a triple summersault through the air, and disappear up their own assholes instead of making babies fly. It's still not funny, unless you are clinically insane or a complete fuckwit.
What in the heck is Krapsody? Humor, comedy, satire, a medley of militant irony. Not Safe For Anyone, Anywhere at Anytime (NSFAAA). These are my scrawlings about anything I find funny, weird, or want to rant about. Add a dash of sarcasm, spoofs, parodies, some slapstick, some plebian rigmarole, and that gas producing potpourri makes this the place to find out of the ordinary humor. It's All Krap, All The Time. Hey, I didn't say it was EXTRAORDINARY humor, now did I? Suffer Pope!
