Happy Valentine's Day

"Good morning to you, valentine
Curl your locks as I do mine--
Two before and three behind.
Good morning to you, valentine."

- children of Rome regarding
the celebration of Lupercalia

Here's a post that will likely curl your hair, or your toes, and/or both. I wanted to take a moment to wish all of you and yours a Happy Belated Valentine's Day. It's generally a day all men forget about until the last minute, much like birthdays, anniversaries, and the annual changing of our shorts.

So in my mad scramble to get to the store for an overpriced bouquet of wilted flowers I ran over **ahem** I mean into, INTO Cupid at Walmart.. and Cupid says hi!

Well, I nearly ran over him. It was kind of hard not to since he was crawling like a snail through the crosswalk. I stopped and apologized for nearly killing him, and in hopes of not getting sued I offered to buy him lunch at a local sandwich joint. Luckily for me, he took me up on the offer.

Heaven Love is never being full!

The romantic image of St.Valentine inspires love and flatulence throughout the world each Valentine's Day. How’d I get a picture of Cupid you ask? Well despite his size, he’s actually quite fast. When he wants to be. And usually he’s naked. Not that I would know anything about that. But since he’s been on a ‘burger’ only diet, he has slowed down a notch or two..enough for me to get this photo as proof positive the guy exists.

Apparently, his new diet has given him bowel problems and has affected people’s love lives as a result. I mean look at him...SHEESH. The J-Geils Band wasn't kidding when they said, "Love Stinks...yeah, yeah!"

Kee-rist Jesus and all his bastard children. His arse looks bigger than all the fat arses on the planet piled together at every church bakesale that has ever taken place. Hate to be the one that changes that nappy. Alls I can say is, whatever you do, don't wake up the sleeping beast called love.

Anyway, as I saying, Valentine's Day is a bogus example of the meaning behind the origins of the holiday.

I mean love is a great thing, don't get me wrong. But I believe everyday should be Valentine's Day. And not the cheesy "bring home diamonds, boxes of chocolate and cards" day. I mean showing a real display of affection for the one you love. Like showering them with K-Y Jelly and rubbing your naked body all over them.

And if the one you love looks like this:



Well, then...never mind.

Valentine's Day (also known as V-Day) signals the start of the human mating season. Around this day, females of the human race release a hormone, attracting males from all over. This hormone may make males irritable, often causing them to compete for their desired female by working themselves into a frenzy of shopping. The male will exchange gifts with the female and often invite them out on a date. Woe to the male who forgets or ignores this holiday, for the infamous Hallmark curse will cause him to break up with his significant other, should he have one, or cause him to be branded "unromantic" for life.

My other reasons for choosing this "holy" day to mock were more complex. You read it right. I mean for instance, do you know the real history behind V-Day?

No, I don't mean the traditional concept of the holiday.
I mean the history of the real Valentine's Day that is celebrated on February 14th annually and is associated with lovers, sweethearts or people who have an attraction to another, exchanging overpriced greeting cards and/or gifts as a symbol of their affection. The history behind this day did not start out as such.

Back in the time of ancient Rome, the 14th of February was seen as holiday to honour Juno, the Queen of Roman Gods and Goddesses. The following day marking what the Romans classed as the Ides of February (mid-February) a feast marked the celebration of heathen Gods in a feast called Lupercalia. It too was classed as a holiday and was a celebration that honoured the founders of Rome, twin brother Romulus and Remus and also the Gods, Luper and Faunus.

Legend has it that Romulus and Remus were supposedly suckled by wolves in a cave on the Palantine Hill in the city of Rome and the cave was called the Lupercal. The hill and cave were used as the centre of the Lupercalia ceremonies and the priests of Lupercus would perform a pagan ceremony at the cave. And that random act is the reason why men ever since have continued chasing breasts like a bunch of wolf teat suckling rubes.

Okay, that historical myth is the Valentine's origin I am referring to. Try to keep up would ya?!

You plebeians sometimes remind me of a bunch of stoned hippies living in a commune. P-yoo, dirty hippies with the attention span of a gnat! Or was that just me?

Back to the historical tale...The priests of Lupercalia would dress in goatskins and sacrifice goats and a dog. They would then smear themselves with sacrificial blood prior to running around the hillside carrying a goatskin thong called a Februa (meaning: means of purification).

a modern re-enactment of the priests of Lupercalia in their goatskin thongs

Women from around the city who wished for fertility and easy childbirth would come and place themselves around the hill so that the priests could hit them with the Februa. Come to think of it, that still sounds like a great idea in theory.

Let's see you try to slap this woman

It is from Februa that the name of the month of February is derived. Duh! Are ya still with me?

Along with this part of the Lupercalia, the priests would also play 'cupid' with the young men and women of the city by having the girls write down their names and place them in a box from which the young men would select a name and that woman would then be his partner for either the duration of the feast, for the year or even for life. A "love lottery" if you will. Pretty deranged thinking, eh?

It must be noted that the lives of young girls and boys in ancient Rome were strictly separate, hence this was a way for them to interact. No wonder they couldn't wait to hump like rabbits. Everyone's thoughts were clouded by emotions and their hormones going insane in anticipation of sex.

Aww, this is all so romantic...

One way to be romantic

Although Lupercalia was celebrated on the 15th which the Romans classed as the middle of the month, realistically the 14th is the middle of February as the month has 28 days apart from during a Leap year.

Another slant on the origins of Valentine's Day stems from the fact that St. Valentine died on February 14th, 269 AD St. Valentine was a Roman who was martyred for refusing to give up Christianity. In 469 AD, Pope Gelasuis set aside February 14th to honor St. Valentine.

St. Valentine lived under the rule of Emperor Claudius II. The Emperor found that his army numbers were lacking due to many Roman men not wanting to leave their wives or families to serve and die for some ruthless cause. Go figure. As a way to thwart this, Claudius ruled that there should be no more marriages and engagements in Rome EVAR.

So St. Valentine used to secretly perform marriage ceremonies and when found out, he was sentenced to death by decapitation after being slapped into a fit of hyterics with a goatskin thong. Cruel and unusual punishment for a man who simply wanted to unite people in the name of lust..I mean love.

The church is sometimes vilified for its Lupercalian edits. It found the love lottery unacceptable, as well as the Luperci. But rather than ban the fete outright, it tried assimilation.

First, the love lottery was replaced with a "high-minded" version, where each man drew a saint instead of a girl and was invited to emulate that saint throughout the year. This custom is sometimes observed today. Imagine drawing Saint Hubert of Liege the patron Saint of Mad Dogs, St Isidore of Seville the patron Saint of the Internets, St Polycarp the patron Saint against Dysentery, or St Fiacre the patron Saint of Sexually Transmitted Disease!

Then the purification aspect (the thong slapping) was re-clothed in a feast of the Purification of the Virgin Mary, scheduled for early February. As for fertility magic, the church dodged this altogether, although one can see traces of the purifying and "greening" impulse in the spirit and chapel decorations of Lent and the regular raping of choir boys.

As for the fourteenth of February, the church dedicated the day to the Christian martyr, Valentine. Contrary to the sugared rumors that have sprung up around him (or more accurately, them -- there were several St. Valentines), the saint almost certainly had nothing to do with love or romance.

Over time, this date became synonymous with exchanging love notes and messages and St. Valentine became the patron saint of lovers.

How does Cupid fit into all of this?

Cupid is just some guy who made up his whole entire persona. Like me, he has been doing his insidious work in a village not far from Tijuana, Mexico.

Now of course the popular image of Cupid is that he is a cute, boyish figure who roams the valleys with a bow and arrow. It was true at one time that he had a rather boyish figure, but as you can clearly see he's gained some weight and aged a bit lately. He's considering botox and The Jenny Craig Weight-Loss Program to shed a few years and pounds.

And yes he also does own a bow and arrow – several of them in fact. He also has laser guided "love missles" in his arsenal. Cupid has done a good job of misinformation regarding this popular conception. His Weapons of Mass Destruction are said to be hidden in Iraq somewhere. But we have not found them...yet.

Cupid is a sinister little demon. He trained for his unique role thousand of years ago by running up and down the side of the universe backwards while chanting the table of elements in Pentecostal languages. He is a malevolent personality with a comic taste rooted in the macabre and the esoteric. All of which makes for a really great story.

Well it could have been a great story, the trouble is that when I sent Cupid to that shop and realized that he was just a scammer. I smoked his ass while he was chowing down on his vegetable soup and garlic bread. In cold blood. No messing around - bullet in the brain.

So, Valentine's Day is not necessarily readily associated with love as can be seen from the pagan rituals that were a part of the feast of Lupercalia or the enigmatic character that was Cupid.

However, the fact that St. Valentine died for his beliefs in fanning the flames of love by encouraging people to hump like rabbits, gives the day a deeper meaning.

I, for one, would prefer to remember this day to reflect on how I smoked Cupid.

So in conclusion I have one last request, will you be my Valentine?