Happy Valentine's Day (Reprise)

"Good morning to you, valentine
Curl your locks as I do mine--
Two before and three behind.
Good morning to you, valentine."

- children of Rome regarding
the celebration of Lupercalia

Here's an observational article that will likely curl your hair, or your toes, and/or both. I wanted to take a moment to wish all of you and yours a Happy Valentine's Day. It's generally a day all men forget about until the last minute. Much like birthdays, anniversaries, and the annual changing of our shorts.

My Chat Session With "Steve"

I recently picked up a Palm Pre from some shlep on Craigslist. I am hopeful they aren't an eStalker, or a serial killer...actually I do, simply because I'd like to take them out. I enjoy raping and strangling serial killers (more than I do clowns, but sometimes it's a real bonus when they are both). So anyhow, as luck would have it, the damn thing has had connectivity issues (they can be resolved), but I needed "technical support" at Palm to help me get it resolved. Anyway, here's that conversation.

Saving The World With Torture

"In the name of Hippocrates, doctors have invented the most exquisite form of torture ever known to man: survival."

- Luis Buñuel
(Spanish Film Director, 1900-1983)

Ever heard of waterboarding? Let's just say it's not an aquatic sport such as surfing.

Ask Static: The Fifth Element

And now...another moment of venting and rage spewed upon the intarwib and your unlucky eyeballs.

Happy Valentine's Day

"Good morning to you, valentine
Curl your locks as I do mine--
Two before and three behind.
Good morning to you, valentine."

- children of Rome regarding
the celebration of Lupercalia

Here's a post that will likely curl your hair, or your toes, and/or both. I wanted to take a moment to wish all of you and yours a Happy Belated Valentine's Day. It's generally a day all men forget about until the last minute, much like birthdays, anniversaries, and the annual changing of our shorts.

So in my mad scramble to get to the store for an overpriced bouquet of wilted flowers I ran over **ahem** I mean into, INTO Cupid at Walmart.. and Cupid says hi!

Well, I nearly ran over him. It was kind of hard not to since he was crawling like a snail through the crosswalk. I stopped and apologized for nearly killing him, and in hopes of not getting sued I offered to buy him lunch at a local sandwich joint. Luckily for me, he took me up on the offer.

Heaven Love is never being full!

The romantic image of St.Valentine inspires love and flatulence throughout the world each Valentine's Day. How’d I get a picture of Cupid you ask? Well despite his size, he’s actually quite fast. When he wants to be. And usually he’s naked. Not that I would know anything about that. But since he’s been on a ‘burger’ only diet, he has slowed down a notch or two..enough for me to get this photo as proof positive the guy exists.

Apparently, his new diet has given him bowel problems and has affected people’s love lives as a result. I mean look at him...SHEESH. The J-Geils Band wasn't kidding when they said, "Love Stinks...yeah, yeah!"

Kee-rist Jesus and all his bastard children. His arse looks bigger than all the fat arses on the planet piled together at every church bakesale that has ever taken place. Hate to be the one that changes that nappy. Alls I can say is, whatever you do, don't wake up the sleeping beast called love.

Anyway, as I saying, Valentine's Day is a bogus example of the meaning behind the origins of the holiday.

I mean love is a great thing, don't get me wrong. But I believe everyday should be Valentine's Day. And not the cheesy "bring home diamonds, boxes of chocolate and cards" day. I mean showing a real display of affection for the one you love. Like showering them with K-Y Jelly and rubbing your naked body all over them.

And if the one you love looks like this:



Well, then...never mind.

Valentine's Day (also known as V-Day) signals the start of the human mating season. Around this day, females of the human race release a hormone, attracting males from all over. This hormone may make males irritable, often causing them to compete for their desired female by working themselves into a frenzy of shopping. The male will exchange gifts with the female and often invite them out on a date. Woe to the male who forgets or ignores this holiday, for the infamous Hallmark curse will cause him to break up with his significant other, should he have one, or cause him to be branded "unromantic" for life.

My other reasons for choosing this "holy" day to mock were more complex. You read it right. I mean for instance, do you know the real history behind V-Day?

No, I don't mean the traditional concept of the holiday.
I mean the history of the real Valentine's Day that is celebrated on February 14th annually and is associated with lovers, sweethearts or people who have an attraction to another, exchanging overpriced greeting cards and/or gifts as a symbol of their affection. The history behind this day did not start out as such.

Back in the time of ancient Rome, the 14th of February was seen as holiday to honour Juno, the Queen of Roman Gods and Goddesses. The following day marking what the Romans classed as the Ides of February (mid-February) a feast marked the celebration of heathen Gods in a feast called Lupercalia. It too was classed as a holiday and was a celebration that honoured the founders of Rome, twin brother Romulus and Remus and also the Gods, Luper and Faunus.

Legend has it that Romulus and Remus were supposedly suckled by wolves in a cave on the Palantine Hill in the city of Rome and the cave was called the Lupercal. The hill and cave were used as the centre of the Lupercalia ceremonies and the priests of Lupercus would perform a pagan ceremony at the cave. And that random act is the reason why men ever since have continued chasing breasts like a bunch of wolf teat suckling rubes.

Okay, that historical myth is the Valentine's origin I am referring to. Try to keep up would ya?!

You plebeians sometimes remind me of a bunch of stoned hippies living in a commune. P-yoo, dirty hippies with the attention span of a gnat! Or was that just me?

Back to the historical tale...The priests of Lupercalia would dress in goatskins and sacrifice goats and a dog. They would then smear themselves with sacrificial blood prior to running around the hillside carrying a goatskin thong called a Februa (meaning: means of purification).

a modern re-enactment of the priests of Lupercalia in their goatskin thongs

Women from around the city who wished for fertility and easy childbirth would come and place themselves around the hill so that the priests could hit them with the Februa. Come to think of it, that still sounds like a great idea in theory.

Let's see you try to slap this woman

It is from Februa that the name of the month of February is derived. Duh! Are ya still with me?

Along with this part of the Lupercalia, the priests would also play 'cupid' with the young men and women of the city by having the girls write down their names and place them in a box from which the young men would select a name and that woman would then be his partner for either the duration of the feast, for the year or even for life. A "love lottery" if you will. Pretty deranged thinking, eh?

It must be noted that the lives of young girls and boys in ancient Rome were strictly separate, hence this was a way for them to interact. No wonder they couldn't wait to hump like rabbits. Everyone's thoughts were clouded by emotions and their hormones going insane in anticipation of sex.

Aww, this is all so romantic...

One way to be romantic

Although Lupercalia was celebrated on the 15th which the Romans classed as the middle of the month, realistically the 14th is the middle of February as the month has 28 days apart from during a Leap year.

Another slant on the origins of Valentine's Day stems from the fact that St. Valentine died on February 14th, 269 AD St. Valentine was a Roman who was martyred for refusing to give up Christianity. In 469 AD, Pope Gelasuis set aside February 14th to honor St. Valentine.

St. Valentine lived under the rule of Emperor Claudius II. The Emperor found that his army numbers were lacking due to many Roman men not wanting to leave their wives or families to serve and die for some ruthless cause. Go figure. As a way to thwart this, Claudius ruled that there should be no more marriages and engagements in Rome EVAR.

So St. Valentine used to secretly perform marriage ceremonies and when found out, he was sentenced to death by decapitation after being slapped into a fit of hyterics with a goatskin thong. Cruel and unusual punishment for a man who simply wanted to unite people in the name of lust..I mean love.

The church is sometimes vilified for its Lupercalian edits. It found the love lottery unacceptable, as well as the Luperci. But rather than ban the fete outright, it tried assimilation.

First, the love lottery was replaced with a "high-minded" version, where each man drew a saint instead of a girl and was invited to emulate that saint throughout the year. This custom is sometimes observed today. Imagine drawing Saint Hubert of Liege the patron Saint of Mad Dogs, St Isidore of Seville the patron Saint of the Internets, St Polycarp the patron Saint against Dysentery, or St Fiacre the patron Saint of Sexually Transmitted Disease!

Then the purification aspect (the thong slapping) was re-clothed in a feast of the Purification of the Virgin Mary, scheduled for early February. As for fertility magic, the church dodged this altogether, although one can see traces of the purifying and "greening" impulse in the spirit and chapel decorations of Lent and the regular raping of choir boys.

As for the fourteenth of February, the church dedicated the day to the Christian martyr, Valentine. Contrary to the sugared rumors that have sprung up around him (or more accurately, them -- there were several St. Valentines), the saint almost certainly had nothing to do with love or romance.

Over time, this date became synonymous with exchanging love notes and messages and St. Valentine became the patron saint of lovers.

How does Cupid fit into all of this?

Cupid is just some guy who made up his whole entire persona. Like me, he has been doing his insidious work in a village not far from Tijuana, Mexico.

Now of course the popular image of Cupid is that he is a cute, boyish figure who roams the valleys with a bow and arrow. It was true at one time that he had a rather boyish figure, but as you can clearly see he's gained some weight and aged a bit lately. He's considering botox and The Jenny Craig Weight-Loss Program to shed a few years and pounds.

And yes he also does own a bow and arrow – several of them in fact. He also has laser guided "love missles" in his arsenal. Cupid has done a good job of misinformation regarding this popular conception. His Weapons of Mass Destruction are said to be hidden in Iraq somewhere. But we have not found them...yet.

Cupid is a sinister little demon. He trained for his unique role thousand of years ago by running up and down the side of the universe backwards while chanting the table of elements in Pentecostal languages. He is a malevolent personality with a comic taste rooted in the macabre and the esoteric. All of which makes for a really great story.

Well it could have been a great story, the trouble is that when I sent Cupid to that shop and realized that he was just a scammer. I smoked his ass while he was chowing down on his vegetable soup and garlic bread. In cold blood. No messing around - bullet in the brain.

So, Valentine's Day is not necessarily readily associated with love as can be seen from the pagan rituals that were a part of the feast of Lupercalia or the enigmatic character that was Cupid.

However, the fact that St. Valentine died for his beliefs in fanning the flames of love by encouraging people to hump like rabbits, gives the day a deeper meaning.

I, for one, would prefer to remember this day to reflect on how I smoked Cupid.

So in conclusion I have one last request, will you be my Valentine?

Institutions of Jocularity Part II

Tue Feb. 03, 2009

Dingleberry, USA (Krapsody) - The other evening while looking at the moon through a telescope I saw a few people screwing around up there, as if that wasn't alarming enough one of them had a telescope and they noticed me watching them. This Buzz Aldrin lookin' bastard gave me the finger and then mooned me. Not much else to say about that. But I managed to get a picture.

Higher Than a Giraffe's Ass

"The search for wisdom is a great challenge; to act on wisdom is an even greater challenge."
- Jagadguru Siddhaswarupananda Paramahamsa

What does the term "higher than a giraffe's ass" mean? It 's when someone is really high (on life... or drugs.)

Xmas Cometh or Not

Sat Dec. 06, 2008

North Pole (Krapsody) - Xmas Cometh!
Christmas is coming. 1 in 10 people are excited. 9 in 10 people could give a damn. Why are Santa’s elves at the North Pole so short? Many of the materials they used to make toys come from China. This has made Santa very depressed. Leading him to turn to pornography, drink heavily, smoke, and use intravenous drugs.

Ask Static: Part Forsaken

Before I get to the nitty gritty of a reader's email, the fourth question for Krapsody's advice column, Ask Static, I trust everyone is having a good holiday so far this year. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours from Krapsody.

Be safe kids. We will have no drunken carousing while trying to shoot a turkey at the last minute, and taking out your foot instead. Also, please refrain from slaughtering turkeys in the background while a former vice-presidential candidate is doing a television interview. That is just really poor taste. Thank you.

Now that we have that covered, I'm sifting through the rubbish that is my email, and Great Scott, what's this? This one looks interesting. Yes, I think this one is quite good.

Ask Static: Part Tresbian

Yes, it's that time again folks. I get to answer your questions and offer a teaspoonful of my wisdom (anymore than that and you might gag or your brain could explode). I was recently contacted by a reader who has a rather unusual predicament. It seems she has a male friend who is a little bit too curious about her relationships with her girlfriends, if you know what I mean. No? Then read on to find out more...

Warning - This Post Contains: EGGS

...and bitches.

Oct. 05, 2008

Heyas everyone! Miss me while I was gone? I has beens so busy busy busy.
Y'know I have so many things to do. Like:

• Taste testing prison food (tastes just like dog food... blech!).
• Seeing how long I can hold my breath (Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible. My personal best is 2:00 (exactly).
• Trying to not think about polar bears (which is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway).
• Attempting to swallow my own tongue (there's not much to say about this one. It is possible.)

The list never seems to get shorter, no matter how much I scratch off of it.

Anyway, I was doing some reading the other day, and it appears that Dennis Quaid fired back at his ex-wife Meg Ryan for comments she made to In Style magazine about their marriage.

"It was eight years ago, and I find it unbelievable that Meg continues publicly to rehash and rewrite the story of our relationship," he told The New York Daily News,

"Gawd! Why doesn't she just get over my drunken, crack smokin', whore-mongering phase already? Jeez!"


Meg and Dennis divorced on July 16, 2001. Eight years after their split, Meg Ryan is finally willing to talk about her split from Dennis Quaid. . DRAMA!

“Dennis was not faithful to me for a very long time, and that was very painful,” she says in the new issue of In Style “I found out more about that after I was divorced.”

And as for her scandalous relationship with Russell Crowe?
“I think he took a big hit. But Russell didn’t break up the marriage. He was definitely there at the end, but it wasn’t his fault. I was a mess. I hurt him too at the end. I couldn’t be in another long relationship, it wasn’t the time for that. So I got out … My time as a scarlet woman was really interesting. I was a cum dumpster, a total whore. As painful as it was, it was also incredibly liberating. Now I was utterly free. I didn’t have to care about what people thought. I could be a total whore and what would it matter.”

Meg also talks about being dubbed America’s Sweetheart:
“It’s an old-fashioned idea, so anachronistic. I understood it was a compliment about being lovable, and it felt nice … but it also felt, after a time, like ideas were being projected onto me that had nothing to do with me,” she says. “The girl next door to what? I never felt like a very conventional person. I felt more like the girl next door to the red-light district, a total whore. You guys liked it and so did I. Tee hee!”
(she giggled and scrunched up her nose like she always does in her cute girly movie roles)

It’s always fascinating to me when celebrities talk about their pasts many years later. It's even more fascinating to see how they look after all these years.

Damn, she ugly. You ain't missin' much Dennis, nope not much at all. She's all used up man. Wow, Meg Ryan used to be so cute too. She was hawt, even.
Guess she can't play all those cutesy young roles forever.
I reckon she'll have to play Sean Connery's grandmother in "Sleepy In Seattle".

Let's see what some other famous celebs had to say about Meg's comments on omg!

Anyway... Who cares about what happens in the past. It never comes back to haunt you.

Right, O.J.?

Oooh, mah bad.
Speaking of prison food, Mr. Simpson also has seen his share of misfortune lately, guilty on all charges verdict for the robbery-kidnapping trial in Las Vegas came on the 13th anniversary of his famous acquittal in his ex-wife's death. The Juice has been juiced!

Some folks are saying, "This was just payback" or "He was going to be found guilty before the jurors were even picked just because of his acquittal in the Los Angeles murder case" or " O.J. isn't getting a fair shake".

You know, those may be really bad reflections on the Brown/Goldman murder trial, but it's an even worse reflection on the legal system in general. Everyone from the Los Angeles police investigators (wouldn't be the first time), down to the witnesses, down to the lawyers and everyone on the jury couldn't have handled the case any more incompetently than all of them did. And so once again we had O.J. on trial, the overwhelming evidence showing he did commit this particular crime, who's now facing a possible Life Sentence. Mr. Simpson may be getting a harsher punishment because of the popular belief that he likely committed those murders so many years ago and has gotten away with it. That's a bad bad thing if it's true.

I wasn't there to witness whether he murdered his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman in 1995 or not, but maybe O.J. knows. And if he did do it, and got away with it, he won't get away with anything once he meets his maker (the Pillsbury Dough Boy)

Also, just say he did commit those murders , he has to live with himself every single day of every single year of what's left of his life! He has to look at himself everyday in the mirror, has to look at his children, the people who loved those he was accused of murdering. That must be like hell on earth!

I wouldn't want to be in his shoes for anything (partly because they don't fit, he's a size 13 and I'm a 10 1/2, and partly because he has athlete's foot)!

I actually pray that if he is guilty of those murders, that O.J. asks The Pillsbury Dough Boy's forgiveness for those crimes, and that he means it. It says in the Holy Book of Pillsbury that praying for others and for forgiveness, doesn't mean you have to hang out with that person.

O.J. is in trouble with himself more than he is with the law....maybe he committed this latest crime because he was maddened beyond endurance by hundreds of nonsensical political speeches. He's in a pathetic frame of mind, with nowhere to go, because when he gets to his destination, he's still there. So he still has to live with himself... and Bubba, his homosexual rapist cellmate.

And now a song for O.J.
Credit: 'Prison Bitch' by Bob and Tom

Krapsody's Latest Reviews

Happy 4th of July weekend to you all! If you are out there enjoying bbq's, fireworks and having a relaxing time more power to you. Have a great time.

However, as for me I've been working and slaving over my blog today.
Yes it's that time folks, time to re-evaluate this pile of krap floating around in cyberspace.

Here's the latest review of Krapsody posted by some freak named Static. The zoo's gotta start being more careful with their animals.

Click on the following image to read the insane review



Hmm, imagine that. All this time I thought I was providing something worthwhile. I guess I've been had folks, I should hang it up and head for the hills. I used to think I had nerves of steel and a mind of lead, a lead balloon that is. All this nitpicking and complaining has made me see the... wait a second. I'm getting real tired of kicking my own ass. Nevermind. See you at the same channel, same place, check your local listings for showtimes.

This is my brain...

Honorificabilitudinitatibus Chompers

Hey! Into body modifications like nipple removal? Well then, if eyeball tattooing wasn't enough how about.. tooth tattoos? That's right. A trip to the dentist can win you a set of chompers straight out of a biker's fantasy... an alcohol, LSD and methamphetamine fantasy possibly, like a Hunter S. Thompson orgy with a sea of half-baked, half-naked jester friends being pinged out of their brains. Copping some hugs, and exchanging "I love you man(s)" and some other hollow well-wishes of loved-up jibberish and general circus-styled freaky shit.

Tooth tattooing slated by The Guardian as 'the next phase of expressive self-harm', the tooth tattoos created by the Heward Dental Lab have attracted global interest since their website, www.toothartist.com, went online earlier this year. Click here for more on Tooth Tattoos.

Does the concept remind anyone else of 'Marathon Man'?
So emm, heck, why not just let the ones you have rot a bit and then get a set of caps with the lastest tramp stamp on them. I think I may have all of mine pulled and have spikes implanted in their place.


MMM, MEAT!


Anyway, enough about me.
I especially liked the 'David Letterman' one.

It just screams LULZ! Doesn't it?




A bit of advice: Bad caps? Don't do it.



So head on down to the Heward Dental Lab, get shot up with some novocaine, toss back a few dozen kamikaze shots and let the teeth artistes bang away on your gums with a sledgehammer and chisel, then come back and give us a smile with your new pearly... um, whites?!

Krapsody's own critic, err I mean, kritic - Ernst ze Provocateur, had this to say about the dental delineations;

"Zis idea ands ze artwork submitted iz shit. Perhaps I would have a picture uv myself tattooed upon my teeth but zen again, zat would alzo be shit. You can't cover up ze stink uv shit wiz a can uv Sea Breeze air freshner. No?... Yes."

freedom fries bitches!

p.s. wondering what the hell honorificabilitudinitatibus means? Click here for an explanation. I was going to go with supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, which is defined as "what you say when you don't know what to say"; a nonsense word used in the film Mary Poppins that is used to describe the longest word. But that would have just been absurd...

Top 6 Health Hazards of Public Swimming Pools

Summer is almost here! Oh what fun it is. Beach parties, cookouts, days out at the local swimming pool unless you are one of the lucky ones to have your own backyard pool. But fun in the sun is just not all it's cracked up to be. Here's a quick list of things that you can catch at a public swimming pool or even the private backyard variety that you share with friends and family this summer. So beware, a sunburn could be the least of your worries.


#1 - DIARRHEA
If you swallow pool water that is contaminated with traces of human waste, like if some kids butt wasn't totally wiped clean, the hearty bacteria floating around can be resistant to the chlorine in the pool water and be absorbed by your digestive tract giving you the runs. Oh joy! So don't swallow pool water. And if you do you take the risk of getting the hershey squirts. And please don't go swimming if you do.








#2 - RINGWORM
Hi! My name is Ringy the Ringworm. If you don't shower and keep yourself clean, I'll surely come and visit you. I may even bring along a few friends, like Jacque Itcherts and Al Thleetsfeet. This fungal infection can create a reddish, ring-shaped rash that is often itchy but sometimes not. You can get it anywhere on your body including your toenails and if that happens they turn thick and yellowish then start to peel. So wear flip-flops in those damp locker rooms. And if you do get it, wrestlers who get it the most often having close contact with each other recommend treating it with Lamisil or Lotrimin, or both, and just for giggles put a lit blow torch over the infected area for safe measure.


#3 - WARTS
Warts are caused by a virus that is pretty common, starting out as small bumps that have a texture like cauliflower on your hands or feet. They can last a few years and might go away on their own, or take control of your entire body and mind. Again, wear your damn flip-flops in public areas that are damp and musty. Restrooms, locker rooms, your aunts kitchen. And for pete's sake don't share towels. If you get a wart you can buy medication to freeze them off or have a doctor do it.


#4 - SWIMMER'S EAR
Aww, look at the kids having fun playing in the pool. Don't they look like they're having fun? Well, they aren't afterwards! Swimmer's Ear is not a new swimming stroke or technique like the backstroke. When that pool water gets trapped inside your ear, germs that live in the water can cause an ear infection. Your ear may itch, become red and inflamed and/or drain pus. I was lucky enough to experience this once when I was a kid, only I had an inflamed ear canal, a raging headache, a sinus infection, I was dizzy and nauseous and to make it even more exciting it sounded like everyone who was talking to me was under water. That was fun. A week of this along with daily doses of Swim-Ear drops in my ear was that much more fun, I can't begin to tell you how exciting the experience was. Want to avoid it? Don't swim. Or at least don't put your head under water. And if you do make sure you shake the water out of your ears and dry them thoroughly with a towel. If that doesn't work try a q-tip or zap them for a few seconds with a hair dryer. Or don't and suffer the consequences.


#5 - MOLLUSCUM
This viral skin infection results in small white or flesh-colored bumps. Showing up anywhere on the body as single dots or in clusters. Usually painless you can get it from sharing towels or pool toys like floats. It could take years for them to disappear on their own so talk to a doctor about having them removed. Unless you want to look like a cucumber or have random people come up to you and connect the dots with sharpie pens.





And finally: #6 - MEN IN SPEEDOS
Well what can I say? Any man in a bikini is just disgusting.


Good gawd, it look like he has a load in his... diaper. As if gratuitous plumber-crack wasn't enough do you think his butt wasn't totally wiped clean? No, don't think about that. It's the beach anyway, we all know that ocean water is polluted. Sorry. Besides that might be me or even you in so many years. So be careful what you make fun of.

Mythical Beasts are Whale Penis

Since my last post, I have successfully escaped the terrors of Guantanamo Bay! After sneaking out during nappy time, I was able to swipe a couple of Power Bars, a snorkel, escape on foot, and then I swam all the way back to the states.

Along the way I was er... ummm..."harassed" by a sperm whale. He was obviously interested in what I was all about - swimming like a retarded Aquaman out in the open ocean like some freakish frogman...my junk was all egging him on and stuff. Anyway this encounter got me to thinking about another subject of interest.

Several years ago a group of authors in the Archives of Natural History put forth the hypothesis that tales and sightings of sea serpents from yore (including the Loch Ness monster) might actually have been - or probably are - male whales in a state of arousal. Yes, the theory is that it's possible that what sailors or common citizens have seen - all those alleged sea serpent sightings - are actually..whale penises (also called dorks).

You be the judge...

What in the Hell is this Post About?

And now for some additions to the world unsurpassed accomplishments of 'What the hell?'

Submariner Blow-up Doll Fetish
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As to what exactly is going on here, a little help please! This is obviously some kind of instruction manual, but I am somewhat confused as to what for. It appears to be Japanese (correct me if I'm wrong). Maybe it's instructions for some kind of weird WWII submarine drill kamikaze style or a cartoon about blow-up doll love-making techniques - kamikaze style? Maybe it's a recipe for making teriyaki chicken? All I know is Hiro-san must have been hitting the sake a bit hard when he thrust his blow-up doll's ass out a vent to moon the fish. Not exactly a moment of pride for the Japanese Navy, eh? Yeah, and when the sub took on too much water he wasn't feeling so cocky (no pun intended) then I bet.



Strangest Thing To Do With One's Nipples
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Meet the man who cut off his nipples, and turned them into earrings. Because he could. John Blake says the experience was "interesting". Hating the sensation of his nipples being there, John had the chance for them to be removed, and he took it.

That opportunity came after he saw someone on the internet that had branded his nipples off. John didn’t like the idea of branding, though, and had his sliced off instead. Oh joy! Howie @ Lunacobra.net apparently did the procedure, and afterwards John couldn’t bear to throw them away. So why feed them to the birds, what better thing to do than to wear them in his ears?


Once the no longer offensive nipples were removed, John kept them in his freezer until they turned into nipplicles , eventually thawed the nipplicles out, and let them dry so there wasn’t any moisture in them and then put a little resin in the bottom of some steel tunnels that he already wore in his lobes. Then he let it dry, chucked his nipples in, filled up the tunnels and let it dry overnight. Then, bingo, they were done.

If this wasn't strange enough, next he’s planning to get his navel removed (if he can find someone willing to do it and god knows where he is going to wear that) and has a tentative plan to swap part of his finger with someone else's. I'm surprised he didn't think to swap his ears with his nipples, then he can have his pierced ears with the resin cast nipples in them on his CHEST. What a treat! Article excerpts courtesy Bizarre Magazine UK.


The CIA World Factbook
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The Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) is an independent US Government agency responsible for providing national security intelligence to senior US policymakers. This also includes a publication available for anyone to view called The World Factbook updated annually. In the Economy category, three fields have been added that focus on capital stocks and investment. They are "Stock of direct foreign investment - at home," "Stock of direct foreign investment - abroad," and "Market value of publicly traded shares." The CIA's World Factbook has a page on each country's current account balance. I can only assume to categorize which countries can be a threat to the CIA. Search for the United States on the page. It's there. After you find it, try to give it a few moments to sink in. Absorb the information and take it in context. See it in perspective and imagine. And these are just trade balances. I don't know about you but I think I'll be calling up China or even Canada the next time I want to party or need a loan. I'm not surprised who's last and I'm not surprised who's first either. What does shock me however, is that Canada is in the top 20.



Top 10 Most Bizarre Videos
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I selected 'The Cut Ups' as the most maddening of the bunch, a collaborative film work of William Burroughs and Anthony Balch, which brings to cinema an extension of Burroughs' literary cut-up technique. After the first few "Yes and Hellos" you can understand why I'd want my 3 minutes and 13 seconds back. At least I am not subjecting you to the full 20 minute film. Yes? Hello!




Dr. Goode's Virtual Therapy
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Online therapy for the internet addicted hostile personality in you. Dr. Goode will not prescribe more happy pills and send you on your glassy eyed way, nope, she'll be brutally honest with you. Let the healing begin.


Apparently I am broken and can't be fixed. YAY!



Possibly Most Vague Street Sign Ever
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Hey, I don't know about you but I like blowing my own horn on occasion. That is unless someone else is doing it for me. And I'll be damned if I can't blow my own horn anytime, anywhere I want. But especially if there is danger present. Maybe I'll blow it just a bit to see if anyone notices. Then blow some more just to make sure the horn still works. Maybe a third time to see if the fire brigade arrives. Why does this remind me of the fable 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf' all of a sudden?


Behold the Power of the Internet
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A Jacksonville, Oregon man was the victim of terrorism, or perhaps a personal
vendetta or maybe just a cruel prank when belongings were stolen from his property in such a way that he has little chance of getting much of it back.

Police say the belongings were removed a day after a pair of hoax ads appeared on Craigslist. The ads popped up Saturday afternoon, saying the owner of the Jacksonville home was forced to leave the area suddenly and his belongings, including a horse, were free for the taking.




Man Marries Dog To Lift Curse
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We have all heard the 'man bites dog' stories, but how about a real-life 'man marries dog' tale?! This one takes the biscuit, and it could only happen in India, the land of the Kama Sutra.

But you won't find this kind of love story between man and beast in the ancient Indian sex manual. It took place for real during a traditional hindu ceremony at a temple in the southern state of Tamil Nadu. The groom in question was a 33-year-old Indian farmer named Selvakumar, and he was wed to a female dog named Selvi.

He married his four legged bitch to atone for stoning two other dogs to death and stringing them up in a tree 15 years ago. He believed the act cursed him and he had been suffering ever since, he told the Hindustan Times. After he stoned the dogs he said his legs and hands got paralysed, he lost hearing in one ear, and his speech was impaired. With doctors unable to help him, Selvakumar turned to an astrologer who told him he was cursed by the spirits of the dogs he had killed.

He could undo the curse only if he married a dog and live with it, the soothsayer warned. Family members chose a stray female dog who was then bathed and clothed for the wedding occasion. Selvi the bride was brought to the temple by village women and a Hindu priest conducted the ceremony.

The paper showed a picture of Selvakumar sitting next to his canine bride, which was adorned in an orange sari and flower garland. The paper said the groom and his family then had a feast, while the dog got a bun.

It was reported that Selvi attempted to make a bolt for it -- apparently due to the big crowds -- but she was tracked down and returned to her new 'husband'. "The dog is only for lifting the curse and after that, he plans to get a real bride," a friend of the groom said.

Deeply superstitious people in rural India sometimes organize weddings to dogs and other animals, believing it can beat certain curses. Wow, talk about crime and punishment.

April Fools Requires Disclaimer

Happy April Fools!
April Fools' Day has gotta be one of the best holidays. You get to play nasty pranks and practical jokes on people - and get away with it! It's one of my favorite holidays, but I bet you already knew that.

So let's commence the celebration and have a look at some great April Fool's Day hoaxes in history.

Man Flies By Own Lung Power
In 1934 many American newspapers, including The New York Times, printed a photograph of a man flying through the air by means of a device powered only by the breath from his lungs. Accompanying articles excitedly described this miraculous new invention. The man, identified as German pilot Erich Kocher, blew into a box on his chest. This activated rotors that created a powerful suction effect, lifting him aloft. Skis on his feet served as landing gear, and a tail fin allowed him to steer. What the American papers didn't realize was that the "lung-power motor" was a joke. The photo had first appeared in the April Fool's Day edition of the Berliner Illustrirte Zeitung. It made its way to America thanks to Hearst's International News Photo agency which not only fell for the hoax but also distributed it to all its U.S. subscribers. In the original Berliner Illustrirte Zeitung article, the pilot's name was spelled "Erich Koycher," which was a pun on the German word "keuchen," meaning to puff or wheeze.

Planetary Alignment Decreases Gravity
In 1976 the British astronomer Patrick Moore announced on BBC Radio 2 that at 9:47 AM a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event was going to occur that listeners could experience in their very own homes. The planet Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, temporarily causing a gravitational alignment that would counteract and lessen the Earth's own gravity. Moore told his listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment that this planetary alignment occurred, they would experience a strange floating sensation. When 9:47 AM arrived, BBC2 began to receive hundreds of phone calls from listeners claiming to have felt the sensation. One woman even reported that she and her eleven friends had risen from their chairs and floated around the room.

The Taco Liberty Bell
In 1996 the Taco Bell Corporation announced that it had bought the Liberty Bell and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell. Hundreds of outraged citizens called the National Historic Park in Philadelphia where the bell was housed to express their anger. Their nerves were only calmed when Taco Bell revealed, a few hours later, that it was all a practical joke. The best line of the day came when White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale. Thinking on his feet, he responded that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold. It would now be known as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.

UFO Lands in London
Branson's UFO Balloon On March 31, 1989 thousands of motorists driving on the highway outside London looked up in the air to see a glowing flying saucer descending on their city. Many of them pulled to the side of the road to watch the bizarre craft float through the air. The saucer finally landed in a field on the outskirts of London where local residents immediately called the police to warn them of an alien invasion. Soon the police arrived on the scene, and one brave officer approached the craft with his truncheon extended before him. When a door in the craft popped open, and a small, silver-suited figure emerged, the policeman ran in the opposite direction. The saucer turned out to be a hot-air balloon that had been specially built to look like a UFO by Richard Branson, the 36-year-old chairman of Virgin Records. The stunt combined his passion for ballooning with his love of pranks. His plan was to land the craft in London's Hyde Park on April 1. Unfortunately, the wind blew him off course, and he was forced to land a day early in the wrong location.

The Eruption of Mount Edgecumbe
In 1974 residents of Sitka, Alaska were alarmed when the long-dormant volcano neighboring them, Mount Edgecumbe, suddenly began to belch out billows of black smoke. People spilled out of their homes onto the streets to gaze up at the volcano, terrified that it was active again and might soon erupt. Luckily it turned out that man, not nature, was responsible for the smoke. A local practical joker named Porky Bickar had flown hundreds of old tires into the volcano's crater and then lit them on fire, all in a (successful) attempt to fool the city dwellers into believing that the volcano was stirring to life. According to local legend, when Mount St. Helens erupted six years later, a Sitka resident wrote to Bickar to tell him, "This time you've gone too far!"

These are mere examples of April's Fools Day public nuisances. There's plenty more to read about in the Top 100 April Fool's Day Hoaxes Of All Time.

I'd also like to point out that today I have updated the Krapsody Disclaimer to include information for those netizens who may have read it before, but may need a refresher and for you, yes you, who probably haven't read it yet.

This is not a hoax or a practical joke. It appears a few monstrously lascivious malefactors and malingering, small-minded curses on society have actually carried out my advice to cover themselves in honey and headbutt a beehive and then attempt to molest peg-legged sailors. There is nothing I'd like more than for them to continue that actually. But at the advice of their lawyers (since I cannot afford my own, one of them showed up on my doorstep the other day, an indescribably uncivilized dreck and a demented, disease-ridden gruesome vista to all eyes assaulted by the sight of him, just as most lawyers are) I now have to make sure that I post a Disclaimer available in plain sight so all the sue happy gits don't get their latex shorts all up in a twist and wind up putting me in the poor house for their poor judgement. I mean the poorer poor house, since I'm already poor. Would that be the dog house?

Anyway, you can find the Disclaimer link at the bottom of the page... what am I saying? I know you're all too lazy for that. Clinkity click on the Disclaimer seal below and have a thorough read or I will have all of New York city's foul taxi-drivers squat in your beds. As I said this is not a hoax or a practical joke, no it's not, please don't make me repeat myself. Thank you. Until next time, go, begone! Be a crash test dummy with no helmet, go where no-one has ever been before - and stay there. I mean here!

Full Disclaimer and User Agreement can be read by clicking here.

Woman Goes for Leg Operation, Gets New Anus Instead

31 March 2008

Frunkfart, Germany (Krapsody) - A German retiree is taking a hospital to court after she went in for a leg operation and got a new anus instead, according to FoxNews.com

When I read some German woman got a new a-hole, I thought it meant she got remarried...

If you think you’re having a bad day, at least you didn’t accidentally get a new anus. But if you did accidentally get a new anus, then yes, you are having a bad day.

Do Dinosaurs Believe in Christians?

Sun, Mar 23, 2008

Easter Island (Krapsody) - Since Easter is here once again, what better time than to ask another burning question that has been on the minds of great thinkers from far and wide - this occurred to me as I stumbled across a lengthy, quarrelsome and hilarious discussion on BlogCatalog.com regarding whether or not Christians believe in dinosaurs. In lieu of challenging logically unanswerable questions answered with meaningless statements, I've decided to turn the tables and ask: Do dinosaurs believe in Christians?

RIPdogs Prepare to Meet RIPlolcats

Andy Fanton's sensation, the RIPdogs have seen their day. Like any internet fad they had their five minutes of fame and people grew tired of them. The internet was quoted as saying,

R u guyz serisly JUS now finding out about LOLcats n RIPdogs?
rofl I don understand y everythin has 2 b spelled rong, itz rather annoying.
RIPdogs already a passed phase, so u can haves them now, if you’d like.
We don’t want them anymore! U loze at Internet. RIPlolcats haz win.

Love,

Internets

Did I read that correctly?! RIPlolcats haz win! Sorry Andy. Meet my newest creation the RIPlolcats.

One day soon we can bring back RIPdogs with the "moment before it happened" shots like this.



Don't get me started on the RIPloldogs or those damned LOLruses.