Shoot A Leprechaun Day

St. Patty's Day. Parades. Drinking. Leprechauns. Leprechauns make me lol. I still believe the only good leprechaun is a dead leprechaun. Sadly, shooting one will not bring you any lucky charms, but I know it makes me feel better.

I don't know if you're aware of this small fact, but your average urban Leprechaun is a cunning bastard and will take anything that hasn't been nailed down. One year they took my patio furniture. I was rather surprised, because the plastic flamingoes were probably worth more. And contrary to popular belief, if you catch one, you will not get three wishes or a pot of gold. You will only get a kick in the crotch or a pull of the johnson or teat. A most painful and surprising turn of events if you're not ready for it. Take my word for it.

Yesterday was time to bring out your green (I'm not referring to my last post), and every douchebag that isn't Irish does just that. Green decorations, green beer, green food, and green clothes. Like t-shirts that state you're so Irish you shit many wee leprechauns, or "Do Me, I'm Irish". Complete bastardizations of the holiday. And to be truthful I'm finding myself a bit at odds with the color green and the celebration.

There's also a national movement to make St. Patrick's Day an official holiday. Last year, Guinness® started Proposition 3-17, a campaign to make St. Patrick's Day an official holiday in the U.S. This would mark the annual celebration of Irish heritage no different then the usual drunken orgy of fistfights and public urination. Aren't we tired of the stereotyping guys?

I'm sure Barack O'Bama (an Irish-American) is much too busy to even bother to acknowledge a bunch of drunks (most of whom aren't Irish at all) try to establish a national holiday, so they can get wasted and refer to it as an "official" holiday (as if they need a real excuse to get hammered).

Forgetting one thing aren't we? Not all employers give their workforce a particular holiday off, nor will they always pay their employees for it either. Why should we beat around the bush here? People nowadays are all about shortcuts. Why not just ask for a day off from work so that you can get drunk (you may want to keep that detail to yourself). If you're lucky they'll pay you for a sick day. If not, oh well..you still got blottoed like you wanted to. There! EASY BUTTON.

I'd also like to ask these beer goggled aberrations of nature how many people must be injured, maimed and killed on the most sacred of Irish holidays?

For instance, when the young Arthur Guinness himself decided to set up business in Dublin on St. Patrick's, an angry mob of leprechauns gathered together and they nearly did him in with a well aimed snookerball launched from the rooftop of Canary Warf in London — a most unusual place for a leprechaun to be, might I add.

Arthur's left nostril was so disfigured by the incident that he could only find work performing as a stunt codpiece in a Shakespearean play. I believe his part was in Othello, which is where his inspiration for dark stout beer originated. The secret ingredient has to be leprechaun piss and the rest is history.

I think this is a bad idea. College kids and idiots looking for any excuse to get inebriated and get into brawls or catfights would be rewarded with making St. Patrick's a national holiday. I think if St. Patrick were around, he'd smack the lot of 'em with his shillelagh or swing around a dead leprechaun until he brained 'em all and rightfully so.

Little known facts:
1.) I'm quite Irish. I know by the looks of my avatar, I probably seem more like I'm from the Dark Side of the Moon. But I'm what is called black Irish, just like O'Bama. And I shit leprechauns 7 days a week, 365 days a year. A little token of my esteem, it is exactly what it seems. Made fresh daily, at exactly 9 o'clock. It comes from my chilaney, you can keep it in a crock!

2.) My real first name is a strong Welsh name, which entitled me to daily name-calling and playground beatings. I'm still rather disturbed by it (the shitting leprechauns 7 days a week, 365 days a year part I mean - See #1.)

I'm also equally disturbed by the thought that this day is known for drinking. I don't think it will happen. The majority of Americans are too busy shopping at Walmart, throwing cacti at each other and running themselves over the rest of the year in a drunken stupor in the parking lot to actually care about the depths of world politics—much less a national holiday.

Considering St. Patrick's for a national holiday has an odd way of seeming entirely incomprehensible, not only when written, but also when spoken about. I think we could use a holiday that doesn't involve alcohol. Don't you? It’s no secret that alcohol-related arrests increase during the holidays. This is because holidays are bad. We should just give mandatory days off every 60 days and not refer to them as "holidays" ever again. We should call them "Get Shitfaced Drunk and Yell at People in Public Day" because that's all it really amounts to.


Consider the following joke:

A very drunk man boarded the bus and took a seat across the aisle from a prudish old woman. She stared at him and gave him the sourest look imaginable.

The drunk looked at her and blurted out, "Laaddee yore the ugliesht woman I've ever sheen!"

The old lady replied, "Well, you're the drunkest man I've ever seen."

The drunk retorts, "Yeah, laaddee, maybee sho, but tomorrow morning I'll be fine!"


Really, are you sure about that? I hope your hangovers are epic.

Happy St. Patrick's Day.