15 Rejected TV Pilots

(To be buried forever!) Never judge a book by it's cover, even if it's a little book. Or a little person. They're people too you know.

It's just that, they can do some things that average people can't, like undetected shoplifting. And playing stunt-double to some child actor who will no doubt grow more and more awkward-looking. And such useful skills as not kneeling down to pick up anything, ever.

Speaking of not getting picked up, here's 15 TV pilots that never made it past the heads of network studios, deemed too dreadful even for viewers such as yourselves.

Maybe, just maybe, this isn't an original article, maybe I haven't found my niche yet. But, I've said it before, and I'll just say it again..if I haven't yet then let me warn you, I have no shame. So if anyone finds this article disagreeable, suck it up.

I guess I should begin with the basics. For example: Any show where a man moves into an apartment with his elderly mother would not make the cut, but a show where a man moves into an apartment with an elephant would go over better. Especially if that man were caught climbing into it's butt.

That kind of sketch comedy/real-life drama would send the Nielsen ratings through the roof!

ANYWAY. I ramble.

These were probably one shot specials (and they've been sitting on the shelf ever since) so it’s probably a little late to talk about them, but in order for a show to become a series it has to be the best.

It should be noted that “Best” is meant ironically. In fact, the main criterion for the best TV shows is that the pilot has to destroy the dignity of everyone involved.

And even though these examples do just that, they also destroy the dignity of it's viewers...which is a no-no from a network TV exec's point of view.

So here's the "best" of the worst TV pilots that never made it.

1.) Father Knows Breast: A situation comedy about a plastic surgeon who does boob jobs. TITS! Now I have your attention. Of course it takes place in Florida. Soooo many cheesy boob jobs in Florida. EVERYONE has a boob job there. The old men. Even the grandmas. Sometimes you can look at a woman’s rack and be like, "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!" Then you see that she’s 77 and be like, "GOD DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!!" No thanks, man. Most of these grannies have the bootleg boob jobs. Their hooters are too far apart. You know, the hooters with the 6 lane highway between them. You could plant a row of trees in the median, and there’s a state trooper sitting in her cleavage waiting to pull people over for speeding. That's just what THIS show was like, in a nutshell.

2.) Widowed, with Children: Like Married, With Children - only it's 25 years later. Highlights from the pilot episode include: lots of references to bowel movements (much talk of prunes and All Bran); plenty of absent minded comments and incoherent speech patterns common with senility (possibly scripted and possibly not, since the actors involved actually have Alzheimer's); 20 minutes of this pilot were devoted to one of the characters looking for their glasses, and then find that they were on their head the entire time.

3.) One Flew Over The Cuckoo Clock: An interesting look into the life of a deranged clockmaker...who.uses.old.junk.to.construct.clocks. Again, I find this list of synonyms for 'extinct' fascinating...

4.) Huggy Bear And The Turkey: No, it's not a cartoon or an adult feature. It was actually suggested as a follow up to the series 'Starsky and Hutch'. However, the producers realized without Starsky and Hutch, this show was just about a street-wise, jive-talking police snitch dressed like a pimp, and a mildly amusing imbecile trying to start their own private detective agency with little or no experience...insert sexual innuendos, plenty of racial epithets, choppy scripting, and the lolz ensued.

5.) Plan Nine Hundred And Ninety-Nine From Outer Space: Nine plans was eight too many. Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. Just ask Bela Lugosi, or Ed Wood. Obviously you can't, they're dead...from making too many plans and not shooting enough good ACTION. Actually, I'm kidding about them. But not about this show.

6.) Teenage Step-Dad: Hmm, now what would be a funny reality show, a reality show that has a funny name, and this same reality show has a plot that revolves around a child marrying a grandma, and the child is the "father figure" of someone's dad and uncle, despite being a third of their age? Yep.

7.) Star Trek - Deep Space Whine: What happens when you have a trio of Ferengi and no profit? An hour of futility. "Is William Shatner in it?" No. So obviously, it sucks. In one clip, a female robot rips off her own arm and starts beating one of the Ferengis with it, repeatedly and hilariously. But unfortunately for this lead balloon, that isn't enough of a redeeming quality. "Is William Shatner in it?" No, goddammit! Now quit asking me that.

8.) That's So Maverick: A presidential campaign sitcom and reality TV show rolled into one. Complete with snoring old men that smell like bile supplements and Ben-Gay, hockey moms in hunting attire, bulldogs in lipstick, beer, ribs, turnip greens, pork 'n beans, and nonstop reruns of "Bassmaster" in the background. As you can imagine, this was groundbreaking, one-of-a-kind material.

9.) Smallville-ish: A lot like Smallville, but not really. There's no super powers, or hot chicks. But there are plenty of dwarves and midgets with a penchant for capes and pantyhose, and a reclusive hermit living in a shack in the woods. So this one does have protagonists (heroes), and an antagonist (villain). It's a bit like a really bad perverted version of "Time Bandits", but I'll let your imagination fill in the blanks.

10.) Rescue 411: Real telephone emergencies from people who can't figure out how to use their cell phones. Captivating!

11.) UFFMC Extreme: Ultimate Fighting French Maid Confederation. French maids fighting in the steel octagon as they try to feather dust each other to death, but in most cases, merely unconscious...from sneezing fits. Too much sneezing and not enough scantily clad bending over killed this one. Hey, I'm just the messenger, so don't point your fingers at me.

12.) America's Next Top Model Stalker: 15 model stalkers go through competition in order to stalk the winner of America's Next Top Model.

Wait..there's MORE TV pilots of Fail!

13.) Myth-Bra-Busters: Adam and Jamie try to discover the myths of how braziers can hold boobs and most importantly, MOOBS, without the use of titanium and concrete! Great family entertainment!! Last one to see it has hairy nipples!!!

14.) Eight Inches Is Enough: That same plastic surgeon sketch comedy, but he's doing unlicensed penile implants. Poorly. I don't know if there were any graphic examples, but seriously as entertaining as it sounds, unless the appendages of misfortune look like giant Sea Monkeys, then who f***ing cares.

15.) Megan Wants A Murderous Millionaire: Government appointed Television Death Panel's plant the contestant that will kill Megan, chop her up, generally mutilate her, stuff her in a suitcase, toss her in a dumpster, then make a quick getaway to Canada. AND THEN! After acquiring a motel room in some seedy backwoods rural town, they..commit suicide. Oh that’s right...that’s already been done. Sort of.

- fin