How The Sci Fi Channel Became a Venereal Disease

SyFy (n.)

1. Slang for syphilis, a venereal disease.

2. Name of a TV network that shows imagination-based programming to go with their illusionary ratings. Failing after a re-branding press release insulted its core audience.

3. New phonetic spelling for the Sci Fi channel. This is so people texting about their favorite programs on the channel will not have to unnecessarily overtax their brains or thumbs.

How does that happen you ask? Because the greatest network on cable, The Sci Fi Channel (reknown for their quality original films) has changed their abbreviated nickname to SyFy...a term associated with syphilis.

The Sci Fi Channel, or SyFy as it is now known, (which appears to be pronounced more like 'SIFFY', as in this new idea is 'IFFY'), is changing their marketing strategy to appeal to a much lower brow community that suffer from such afflictions as malaise, drug addiction, and of course, pornography and/or prostitution.

I suppose that NBC’s Sci Fi channel, often ridiculed for the decisions made by its seemingly moronic leaders, has outdone itself now by changing its name, officially, to SyFy. Maybe they thought people were too stupid to spell 'Sci Fi' and that’s why the numbers of some of their programs are so low...not that their programming sucks..or that many people ARE indeed stupid and couldn't spell it either way.

Syfy? Seriously? Unfortunately, it’s not April 1st so this must be for real.

The change was defended by network president Dave Howe in a statement.

"It gives us a unique word and it gives us the opportunities to imbue it with the values and the perception that we want it to have...It made us feel much cooler, much more cutting-edge, much more hip, which was kind of bang-on what we wanted to achieve communication-wise," he said.

Apparently, I am not the only one who isn’t convinced. It's not only the actors on Skinemax that are having all the fun these days. Fans from coast to coast have been blasting the change.

"Sounds like the name of a water bottling company," wrote one.

"Sounds like some kind of mop, blender, or gossip magazine," wrote another.

The most frequent negative interpretation: "Sounds like slang for syphilis!"

Yes, dear readers (or I should say, reader..since there is only one of you, I think) ..it's going to hell in a hand basket..and I'm packing heat for the picnic!

If you think their new nickname is bad, worse yet..let's look at their latest installment of made for TV films for the coming months in 2009.

* The Syence of Movies
* The Truth Behind Syentology
* Help! My Hair is on Fyr!
* Syence and Relijun
* The Syatic Nerve and You
* Sycho: The Early Years
* Flesh Gordon: Mi Pynys Ys Huge, 18" Yo

(I don’t even get that last one)

As if we should have to suffer through another Flesh For Frankenstein knock-off.

I don't know about you, but the public is outraged. So much so, that a famous celebrity wrote an open letter to SyFy.

Dear Syfy (Sci Fi),


As a concerned citizen and consumer of respectable television programming, such as The Spice Channel, I find that I am deeply troubled by your new nickname.

At first glance, "Syfy" seems innocent enough: however, according to Urban Dictionary, it's also an abbreviation or slang term for syphilis.

OK. These are indeed tough times full of additional challenges due to a tenuous economy. So it's understandable that someone would make an earnest attempt to improve their diminishing portfolio by utilizing all their skills and assets, or "improving" upon their image.

But after a few seconds of realizing what SyFy really stands for, the unsuspecting viewer learns that his greatest asset is: his God-given over-endowment, and he soon begins to moonlight as a male escort..eventually contracting syphilis from all his lewd exploits...not to mention the impression it probably makes on females, that size is everything.

I take no issue in the entrepreneurial spirit of Sci Fi's decisions. As a matter of fact, I believe that it's this kind of picking-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps mentality that has made this country what it is today. But, there is a deeper dilemma, that now plagues me and an often under-recognized demographic of society.

As someone of easy persuasion, I have spent a lifetime supporting the adage that size doesn't really matter (although I am confused as to why anything less than 18 inches is inadequate, and I am most repulsed by the idea of getting syphilis or any other venereal disease).

And now I am relegated to the role of poker-faced cabana boy/cheerleader since my not-so-well-endowed (meaning smaller than Flash Gordon's, alleged, impressive 18" dong) attempts to satisfy in the boudoir have fallen short due to severe emotional trauma I've suffered resulting from this latest attempt at envelope-pushing by cable TV producers.

The months it took convincing myself that size isn't really an issue is now all for naught due to the greed of SyFy execs looking to make a fast buck by exploiting the fascination of the American public when it comes to male organ size, sexually transmitted diseases, and how it is all somehow related to science fiction.

Is there someone I can sue for the emotional damages incurred, not to mention the pain and suffering I have endured as a result of this latest nouveau programming faux pas of sizeable magnitude (no pun)? How about some sort of reimbursement for the extra therapy and couples counseling me and my blow up doll will now be forced to endure due to the network's selfishness? Can I at least get a credit on my cable bill?

the blow up doll

And while this is just another sad saga in the history of The Sci Fi Channel, I suspect I am not the only one experiencing increased angst and life-altering implications at the hands of irresponsible and insensitive television producers.

Let's face it. Not everyone is going to measure up in the penile department now that bigger being better is open for discussion. Even the most self-assured male among us may be relegated to posing age-old questions once put to rest by reassuring partners and Dr. Ruth.

I wonder what a station like this says about us as a society; one that glamorizes the haves and diminishes the have-not-enough-ofs. Will men and women, who were once presumed to reside in far away places like Mars and Venus, recoil even further into their respective intergalactic corners? Could SYFY be the end of civilization as we know it?!

Look, I've lived through a post Sex in the City world, where I finally gave up trying to get in touch with my inner Carrie, especially during these lean fiscal times, when my Manolos have been replaced by Payless. But now that there's a new "Mr. Big" in town, where does that leave the average Joes and the women/men/aliens/dogs/other furry woodland creatures/and possibly inanimate objects who love them?

In short, SyFy is an Epic Failure.



Your Former Loyal Viewer,



Ron Jeremy

Since SyFy's decision to change their name, I've also decided to make a similar move in the same direction. Jumping upon that bandwagon, henceforth, Krapsody will now be known as The Shit Has Hit The Fan.

And that, my friends, is made of God and Win.