Stable Genius

Survey Says Ebola Is a Real Thing That Is Just About as Dangerous as Cigarettes

| Oct. 29, 2014

The Ebola virus (or E-bola, the electronic virus that infects computers), an epidemic in West Africa, has spread to computers worldwide, leading the United States Computer Emergency Readiness Team to declare an emergency. The team is working closely with Intel Security to contain the outbreak.

Rebecca's Black Friday

A Special Report by Dubious Monk

Mon. Nov. 25, 2013 (Fargo, N.D.) - Black Friday evokes all kinds of things to the average consumer. Deep discounts and doorbuster deals are enticing and have consumers lining up to snag them—which is exactly what retailers want. But most retailers have limited quantities of heavily-discounted items, which require consumers to be crafty in how they get those must-have gifts.

This is where the atypical suburbanite Mrs. Rebecca Robinson comes in. A forty-something year old woman who has ruthlessly perfected her holiday shopping strategy. Known as a fearsome "powershopper" amongst her small community, Robinson's skills are respected, if not despised, by all who know her.

9 Students to Save the World: No it's Not a Movie

Wed Feb 27, 2008 6:29 pm
Updated: Sun Jun 2, 2013 2:12 pm

Bovine Colons, Earth (Krapsody) - An article published in Technology News at The Engineer online claimed:

Nine students from the Tech-Israel Institute of Technology have developed a model spacecraft for deflecting objects falling from space. The model has been created in response to the asteroid Apophis which scientists believe will collide with Earth in 2036, and was presented at a competition of NASA and the American Institute of Aeronautics and Astronautics. [Read Full Story]

What up with Sarah Palin's "Shuck n' Jive" comment?

Just days prior to Obama's reelection, Ms. Palin made a statement on her Facebook page with some offhand remark about Obama and her opinions about his handling of the Benghazi attack, referring to his administration's response as a "Shuck and Jive shtick." Her opponents have been wondering what she meant by that comment. Was her statement racist, or was it taken out of context? Krapsody tracked her down to find out.

Palin, down wit de jive.

"'Sup, dudes! Mah' dojigger be Sarah Palin and I'm waaay down wid de JIVE rap, suckas. Duzn't assume dat plum a'cuz ah' used some phrase about Obama usin' 'SHUCK N' JIVE' means ah' am some kinda racist or sumtin'."

Scott Olsen Interview on YouTube Removed

Re: YouTube video - Scott Olsen Interview

Due to the number of emails I have received I am addressing this publicly.

Yesterday I posted an interview with Scott Olsen on YouTube with the intention of spreading news about his recovery and because I, like many, do not want his story to disappear.

CACA Needs Your Support In The Fight Against DWTS

Scientists and entertainers on ABC have JUST gotten out of hand. Their foul plans bring godlessness and corruption to everything they touch. They have defied Gawd's Holy Word and have committed the following abominations against Gawd and Man:

1. made the earth round
2. made monkeys unto our forefathers
3. allowed women to read and write, to have orgasms, and lay with other women

Cogito, Ergo Confundo - I Think, Therefore I am Confused

with
Krapsody.com Reporter Dubious Monk
Inside Tropical Storm Irene



NEWSFLASH! Everything in New England shut down as Irene was downgraded from a hurricane to a tropical storm. As the storm was overhead, I scurried down to the hurricane barriers in Providence, RI to catch the action but there was none to be found.

Weiner Means Winner in Warlock Speak

Come now, your wiener is not that big.

Thur. June 2, 2011

Weinerville, NY (Krapsody) - Rep. Anthony Weiner is in the hot seat this week over a sexually suggestive photo he allegedly sent to a 21-year old female student in Seattle who is one of his 54,000 followers on Twitter. Weiner has not stated that the crotch in the picture was somebody else’s. So whose could it be? There will be no juvenile dick jokes or double entendres here. Quite frankly, it was mine and here's proof.

The Ruptured

LINK

Oh, cheer up Harold. We all make mistakes. It's not the end of the world.

Further reading amusement: Harold Camping - "World will actually end in October"

BOOM...HEADSHOT!!

Bin Laden...dead? Just for the record, this is not exclusive footage, nor is it a dramatic reenactment. At best, it is a cheap sloppy imitation, or whimsical imagining. Good day.

Wildest God of Metal Behind Bars of Metal, Coincidence?

Sat. March 12, 2011

Salisbury Steak Dinner, UK (Krapsody) - Paul Di'Anno, ex-heavy metal singer for the band Iron Maiden, in a twist of fate has been jailed for fraud. Di'Anno had been illegally collecting income support, housing benefit and council tax handouts between 2002 and 2008 while he toured and lived abroad. Di'Anno's autobiography, The Beast, refers to him as the "wildest man in rock". Critics may now call him the "most wanted man in rock".

Oh, dear. A sad day indeed. Welcome to the "Twilight Zone". It doesn't appear that this will be a case of "Innocent Exile", nor "Sanctuary" for Mr. Di'Anno (this news comes during "The Ides of March" coincidentally).

This is Halloween

I don't know what your plans are for Halloween this year. But I plan on dressing up just like I normally do for everyday life. And if that doesn't scare this shit out of you, then dressing up as something called a "Hannah Montana", a.k.a. "The Miley Cyrus Monster" (a monster unequaled in scariness - see infographic on FEAR below) is pretty damn scary if you ask me. But you didn't ask me, however, I'ma let you know anyway...because I care.

Other Halloween costume ideas this year include finding shit lying around your house to wear, like a wig, black tank top and the red bandana made famous by 24-year-old Antoine Dodson who became a YouTube viral sensation after he chased a would-be rapist out of his home. If you feel like spending the money for those things that you probably already have, then "The Bed Intruder", a.k.a. "The Antoine Dodson Costume", is dollars to doughnuts the best Halloween gag costume I've seen so far.

A similar costume was produced earlier this season called the "Bedroom Superhero Costume Kit", which was the latest, and unauthorized, attempt to capitalize on Dodson’s fame. Vying for profits should have landed the makers in court over a lawsuit..no, the "Law Suit" is not a Halloween costume, yet. Doubtful that this will ever go to court, it's also doubtful that if you chose this costume that you will be showing any originality as there will probably be twenty other dudes wearing the same thing.

Since we're on the topics of lawsuits and Halloween, I'm surprised the inventors of Halloween haven't sued for copyright/trademark infringement over their holiday. I mean, witches/pagans/neopagans/ghosts/vampires/werewolves/other scary monsters would probably win millions, really. Here's documentation that proves my point.



[Via: The Douchebag Infographics Team]


As a kid after Trick-or-Treating I was always excited to see if I could find candy that had been tampered with. That way I could be the one to turn them in to the police. But I sadly never had the chance. Mostly because it was urban myth.

In reality, the idea of tainted candy from a stranger may have started with a 1964 incident involving a New York homemaker named Helen Pfeil. Irritated at the idea of handing out free candy to older kids, Pfeil gave out packages of steel wool pads, dog biscuits and poison ant buttons. Although she made it clear that her "goodies" were inedible, Pfeil was charged with endangering children. And so subsequent generations of people believe the urban myth. So we should sue them..or maybe we should sue the makers of this infographic...or maybe we should sue...someone.

OHHHH, I'm sooo confused now!

With all the monsters, ghouls, and creepies it goes without saying that Halloween for some is a scary experience. They don't know how to cope with the fear of being confronted with children dressed like monsters, banging on their doors on Halloween night, demanding sugary confections.

Poor saps are probably afraid of the dark, and afraid of their own shadows. If they only knew that the only thing they had to fear was fear itself, then maybe they wouldn't have to change their shorts every single time the doorbell rings on Halloween night. I think a load in someone's pants is almost as scary as the Miley Cyrus monster. For those of you that are phobic, here are some tips about fear that might help you recognize and manage your psychological distress.



[Via: Another Douchebag Infographic Team]


And now I have some preparing to do. I'm off to get an early start on Trick-or-Treating. I'm sure my neighbors will love me banging on their door at three o'clock this morning exclaiming, "Hey! It's officially Halloween. Gimme some damn candy, bitches!" Of course, I'll be wearing my Bed Intruder costume and distributing my own brand of psychological distress, people will think I'm either trying to rob them or rape them and they'll call the police. So hide yo kids, hide yo wife, and hide yo husband cuz they're rapin errbody out here.

Have a Happy and Safe Halloween!

Muthaf***in' Crocodiles on a Muthaf***in' Plane

Sun Oct 24, 2010 8:14 pm ET

Chicago, IL (Krapsody) - A crocodile hidden in a passenger's bag onboard a plane escaped prompting FBI agent Neville Flynn to say, "Enough is enough! I have had it with these muthafuckin' crocodiles on this muthafuckin' plane! Everybody strap in, Imma 'bout to open some windows," which he did, causing the plane to crash and kill 19 passengers during a flight over Chicago. Ironically the crocodile survived the crash but was killed moments later when a gust of wind hurtled it towards the Superman: Ultimate Flight ride at Six Flags Great America. Breaking it's neck on impact with the twisted steel track, it probably goes without saying that the croc found out what it’s like to fly like the one-and-only Superman.

Japan vs. India's Space Program

Tue Oct 05, 2010 7:19 pm ET

Somewhere in Orbit (Krapsody) - At risk of sounding like a total nerd, I'm a bit excited. A new planet was discovered. It might be a place that only a lichen or pond scum could love, but astronomers believe that they've found it capable of harboring water on its surface potentially making it a home for plant or animal life.

Nobody from Earth will be visiting anytime soon: The planet, called Gliese 581g, is orbiting a star about 20 light-years away in the constellation Libra.

But if the finding is confirmed by other brainiacs, the planet, which is three to four times the mass of Earth, would be the most Earthlike planet yet discovered, and the first to meet the criteria for being potentially habitable. Which is a lot more than I can say for Detroit.

Lord of the Haunted Penis Rings Rules, Dude

Dick, PA - "I've seen some weird eBay listings before but this is really weird: HAUNTED PENIS RINGS. I discovered this oddity as I checked my Google Analytics account to see what hot keywords people are using to hit on my site...'penis' still seems to be at the top of the list of weird searches that direct to krapsody.com. Followed by 'whale penis'. And stranger yet, 'inside elephants ass', 'giraffes asshole', and 'old man in spedos [sic]'. I can understand 'whale penis', maybe I can even understand 'inside elephants ass' as those would be somewhat relevant. Boy, some of you people on the internets are REAL degenerates. I can only imagine how disappointed some of you freaks are when you don't actually find what you're looking for," Static says candidly.

BP Oil Cajun Fish Fry Party

New Orleans, LA (Krapsody) - BP Oil is already in hot water, so to speak, over the Deepwater Horizon spill, and Gulf State residents are looking to take them to task. Residents seek lost wages, and property compensation that has damaged the fishing industry, tourism, and more. In response to the backlash, BP Oil has taken unprecedented steps to making full amends with the public. By having a public fish fry party.

Although BP still denies the recent Deepwater Horizon oil spill as one of the biggest, if not the most epic, manmade disasters in history. Ever. They make light of the situation by being party assholes.

Concerned about the tourism industry to the Gulf Coast in particular, BP issued a public statement near Grand Isle beaches today. This is a transcript as it happened direct to you our readers:

BP representative Doyle Slick clears his throat and announces, "This is not an environmental disaster, and I will say that again and again because it is a natural phenomena. Oil has seeped into this ocean for centuries."

A crowd gathers.

Doyle continues, "Yes, we had a little, tiny, wee bit of an accident. But let's not forget the heroic number of manual efforts throughout the Gulf Coast to make our beaches safe again."

"This is not a time to cry over spilled oil. This is a time to celebrate. In honor of American citizens and workers nationwide, BP is sponsoring a good ol' fashioned Cajun Fish Fry party!!"

The crowd begins to look at each other in bewilderment. Stifled gasps along with "oohs" and "ahhs" can be heard.

The crowd is hushed as Doyle raises his hands, "What better time to fry up some fish that has been battered, greased, and set on fire for us already?!"

The crowd goes wild. Confetti is thrown into the air.

"Don't mind the flavor, those oil cleanup chemicals are just a bit tangy," Doyle shouts.

At this point the uncontrolled throng turns into a riot. People are throwing their underwear at Doyle.

"And don't mind the feathers and beaks..them's just garnishes! We can start with that dead porpoise right there!!" as he points to a sludge covered carcass on the beach.

Pandemonium erupts. The mob topples over an EPA vehicle and sets fire to a FEMA trailer. A group of people rip a pelican apart, and beat a helpless sea turtle against an oil drum. And blah blah blah...

"The oil also makes a great suntan lotion. Look out Hawaiian Tropic!!!!" Doyle screams above the clamor.

"Come join us in sunny Louisiana!"


Doyle here, showing off his oil slicked hairdo
and his bulging oil spill cleanup bicep.

Grant, Franklin, Washington Pissed About Reagan

Washington D.C. - Anyone who thought Ulysses S. Grant's battle days were long over is wrong. The $100,000 question: Should Ulysses S. Grant, the legendary Union general and 18th president of the United States, be bumped from his 96-year stint on the $50 bill by...Ronald Reagan? The $50 question: Does Reagan deserve to replace Grant? Or, does Grant deserve to be replaced by Reagan? Okay that was two $25 questions.

AND WE'RE NOT BUYING.
I suppose a more appropriate question would be:
If Grant should be replaced, who should he be replaced by?
And more importantly, who the hell do people think they are replacing Grant on the $50 bill?!

Krapsody reporter, Ernst Ze Provocateur, interviewed Grant yesterday, and Grant had this to say, "Who the HELL do you people think YOU are?!"

"..replacing ME..that's like replacing Ronald McDonald, with Bozo. That's like replacing Chad Kroeger of Nickelback with a mop (although that would probably work). It's like replacing sugar with saccharin..oh, they already did that. Well, I suppose those were bad analogies. Fuck it."

Ben Franklin was equally pissed, and a bit worried, "What? Are they gonna replace all of the historical figures on U.S. currency? Who will be my replacement? A chimpanzee? George Michael? WTF?! This is outrageous. May the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing lose the printing plates emblazoned with that bastards face so he never ends up on any banknote."

George Washington, whose portrait is on the $1 bill, also thought this was a horrible idea and was quoted as saying, "I think if they are going to replace Grant or Franklin, or myself, then they should replace me with Martha Stewart, since she looks almost exactly like me. I cannot tell a lie."

Thomas Jefferson, jumped out of his likeness on the $2 bill to insist he wouldn't mind switching his post with Reagan who is deserving of being there, "HE'S as queer as a two dollar bill, y'all!!"

Abraham Lincoln, our beloved $5 bill man, was also stunned about the news and offered this explanation, "Perhaps this is a good thing. It will give a new generation of Americans something they can relate to. After all, nobody remembers who we are anymore. Nobody loves the old and washed up. Except for me of course. Everyone knows me. I am the bee's knees."

Alexander Hamilton, whose image graces the $10 bill, agrees with Abraham. "I think it's a good thing. Maybe I can be replaced by Schwarzenegger when he becomes President, or perhaps Clinton, because he and I are so much alike. What with his antics in the Oval Office, and my little blackmail affair that caused me to resign my position as Secretary of the Treasury...I couldn't think of a more appropriate replacement. Can you?"

Andrew Jackson (aka Old Hickory), on the $20 bill had a different stance, asserting that this was not only a decision based on "shit for brains ideology", and "machinations that smell suspiciously of ass and a conspiracy theory", he suggests, "...[that] America needs to create a new series of banknotes to match it's glimmering Socialist economy with only two bills as it's currency! One bill, the $1,000,000 dollar bill with me on the front..and the other a $1,000 dollar bill, with Static Krapsody on the front. End of story!"

Or we could just dispense with Reagan and all the old fogies and print our own money, like this guy did:

image courtesy of: Sharon Actor

F_ck Y__h. How many of these does it take to buy a vowel?

Toyota Recalls Defective Airbags

NEW YORK, NY (Krapsody) - National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) has found that sudden acceleration events in Toyota vehicles over the past decade led to several instances of collisions, serious injuries, and at least 19 confirmed deaths associated with eight or more popular models. In record time Toyota has now decided to recall those vehicles with sticking accelerator pedals.

To alleviate the problem, Toyota will install new and improved airbags starting this week in over 5 million vehicles.

In a press conference earlier today, Toyota Motor Company representative, Phil Graves, stated that Toyota "...[has] taken these measures so that in the event a gas pedal sticks on any of our vehicles, and if firm and steady application of the brakes and/or frantic waving of the arms fails to stop the vehicle, Toyota's improved airbags will reduce the amount of injuries or fatalities to Toyota owners."

"We want to make sure our customers understand that this situation is rare and generally does not occur suddenly. Rather it's a slow and painful process...until the accelerator pedal sticks and you fly off into the stratosphere like a bat out of hell...or into a brick wall. But that's the worst case scenario. We're trying to remain optimistic."

"Our message to Toyota owners is this – if you experience any issues with your accelerator pedal, please contact your dealer without delay. If you are not experiencing any issues with your pedal, we are confident that your vehicle is safe to drive. But just to be sure, get the new airbags installed..it can't hurt. We'll even throw in a crash helmet, a months supply of adult diapers, and a new set of floor mats," Graves added.

"Nothing is more important to Toyota and our lawyers - I mean..our LOYAL customers than the safety and reliability of the vehicles our customers drive," noted Graves. "We understand the safety concerns the public has."

"Our entire organization of 172,000 - um, wait a sec. We um..recalled...uh, laid-off rather, quite a few 'defective airbags' - uh, defective airbag installers..over the holidays," Graves eyes glaze over a bit, "Ok, so our entire organization of 153, that's 153 North American employees and dealership personnel are working around the clock, without food, water, or sleep, to replace the airbag systems for our customers. The suspense is killing us."

"Rest assured, we've come to the most safe and viable solution for this problem. In upcoming weeks we will address reports about those steering wheels popping off during operation on all vehicles manufactured since 2001. Thank you."

© Photo by Juan Guerra

Woody Allen, Gary Glitter Show Support For Polanski

Since his arrest on September 26, in Switzerland on his way to pick up a lifetime achievement "Golden Icon Award" from the Zurich Film Festival, Roman Polanski's fate now hangs in the balance.

These days good and sensible doesn’t sell. Especially when you've eluded a 31-year-old fugitive warrant by skipping bail, fleeing the country, after pleading guilty and being convicted of getting a 13-year-old girl naked in a hot tub, plying her with champagne and quaaludes and forcing sex on her.



Never mind that Polanski's unquestionably talented. He's committed the crime, now he's gotta do the time. A slew of notable jailbait-chasing creeps are showing their support for Mr. Polanski.




Woody Allen, another brilliant comedian and filmmaker, offered his unlikely support. Pleading for Roman's release, Allen himself guilty of having younghot lusty fantasies, marrying the adopted daughter of his longtime love interest, would be the last person you would want to come forward if you were caught kiddie fiddling.

Allen shows how he won over Soon Yi

Allen quoted as saying, "How can anyone be utterly skeezed out by a middle-aged man jumping into the sack with jailbait? It's perfectly natural for a guy to be with a girl wherein he's older than her father...even if he's..practically her father."



Paul Francis Gadd, a.k.a. glam-rocker Gary Glitter, longest chart runs of any solo singer in the UK during the 70s couldn't help himself but show his support for Polanski. Gary said, "Age ain't nothin' but a number. AND that 10-year-old has my number. Does that make anybody uncomfortable?"

Gary Glitter seductively asks:
Do You Wanna Touch Me?

R. Kelly, trapped in a closet full of 14-year-olds says he's all for freeing Roman...the pizza delivery boy, after he's done pissing on him.

R. Kelly's gonna piss on j00

Travis Bickle, vigilantism motivated by sexual jealousy as it is by any kind of desire for justice.

You talkin' to me?

Who needs unrequited, consensual pedophilia if you have no problems with the violence typically portrayed in most movies? But complaining about the violence just makes you feel like a square.



But where do you draw the line between impropriety and turning predatorial relationships into heroism? Only in your wet dreams, Mary Kay Letourneau.

'Hot for Teacher' night is not creepy, because it's okay to rape little boys when you're a hot 34-year-old female teacher.




Herbert the Pervert, is one sketchy character. Perverts (in contrast to hot female teachers) are usually characterized by thin mustaches, clammy hands, and the ownership of a van turned into an ice cream business on wheels.

But not this seemingly harmless old man. He lures the newspaper boy in with promise of icy treats in his basement.

I got a whole freezer full of popsicles down in the cellar.

This dirty-year-old creepy and/or awkwardly disturbing menace to society, is always scissoring little boys with his eyes. An honorary member of NAMBLA, his art of bumblefucking is very unique. Herbert "the Pervert" is a bumblefucking sensei, and the origins and ways of bumblefucking are only known to him.



One thing is for sure, real friends are in short supply these days. But with friends like these, who needs enemies. Who needs decency or justice? Because we might possibly live in a world where fame trumps decency and justice.

“If I had killed somebody, it wouldn’t have had so much appeal to the press, you see? But… fucking, you see, and the young girls. Judges want to fuck young girls. Juries want to fuck young girls. Everyone wants to fuck young girls!”

- Roman Polanski on fucking young girls (source)

If it were up to me, anyone who harms a child sexually would spend eternity in hell giving rim jobs to Hitler and obese people with bacillary dysentery.

Losing your dignity is probably one of the worst things a human being can endure, just ask any victim of rape. Polanski will probably be forced to join the ranks of national registered sex offenders and I think he should make a biopic based around his experiences leading up to that...not like Wanted and Desired or Manhattan.

Comparing apples to oranges, most actors and artists toil forever in obscurity, never getting recognition for the roles they portray or works of art they create.

But if you hone your craft and work diligently, you might find yourself in the role of a lifetime instead of making an unnoticed dramatic exit stage left. Because in a land of predators, the lion never fears the jackal....or the pedobear.

Emma Watson runs away from Pedobear Polanski at Brown University's campus.
Welcome to Rhode Island, Emma!

Phillip Garrido could not be reached for comment.