Obscure Moments in Pop Culture History I

Rove tries in vain to appear hip.

President Barack Obama and his wife Michelle celebrated American poetry with a gathering of poets, musicians, and artists at the White House last Wednesday night.

With relatively harmless Caucasian guests like Aimee Mann, Steve Martin, and Kenneth Goldsmith, it’s not hard to see why the invitation of the relatively uncontroversial rapper Common was politicized by critics of Obama's poetry night celebration.

Most prominently, former Bush adviser, Karl Rove, trash-talked Common on The Sean Hannity Show, because of his "violent and misogynistic music lyrics that advocated assassinating Bush and violence against police."

"Common is nothing but a common thug," Rove cried. "He's a big scary black man. I just couldn't imagine inviting him to the White House for anything, much less to do a rap performance. The only reason he should be there is to mop the floors or serve the guests."

"WAAAAAAH, Mommy! That big scary black guy scares me!!!" - Karl Rove

However, realizing the bigotry behind his remarks, Rove made sure to mention that he loved N.W.A. at the height of their popularity...citing Eazy-E as a major influence on his political philosophy from that point forward, and therefore he's not racist.

"I loved that Eazy-E not only helped define the brutal subgenre known as gangster rap - he negotiated the gang scene in Compton - that to me is the epitome of Boyz-n-the-Hood," Rove said, "He even admitted that without rap he’d be in jail or dead. And in the end it was the AIDS that killed him. Ironic, isn't it?"

Rove continued, "And even though Common probably has a bigger penis than I do, that has nothing to do with my dislike for the man."

Karl Rove clearly not racist or unsympathetic.

In an attempt to appear less prejudiced than he actually is, Rove has even written his own little raps. The works are still under development, but he has three solid ditties that are guaranteed to not make anyone tap their feet to them:

"I'm The Architect", "Bush Is My Bitch", and "Courag3 and Cons3qu3nc3" the latter of which is still unfinished and the more freestyle rap of the three.

Here is an excerpt from "Courag3 and Cons3qu3nc3" -

"Yo, when I was in school I was the complete nerd

I guess you could say that I was pretty awkward

I had the briefcase

I had the pocket protector

I wore Hush Puppies when they were not cool

I was just a thin, scrawny little dude

All your homies thought I was definitely uncool, fool

And all my niggaz go:

'Hippity hoppity

Flippity floppity!'"


Eli Porter, quite possibly the greatest freestyle rapper in the world, described "Courag3 and Cons3qu3nc3" as being too simplistic. Porter said, "The rhythm is too slow, the timing is off, and the words were second-grade level, mayne."

“Also,” Porter added, “has anyone else noticed how big Karl’s forehead is? It’s huge. He looks like a Klingon had a baby with a pig or some s**t!”

This isn't the only time Rove has showcased his lack of rhythm for all-the-world to see, nor is it his first attempt at a rap career. At the 2007 Radio & TV Correspondents' Dinner, 'MC' Karl Rove (AKA "Bush's Brain"), rapped and danced in a manner that would make most Americans vomit.

Rove cut loose and gave an impromptu rap performance that briefly shocked the nation’s liberals in the same manner Common’s performance at the White House has had on conservatives.

It's hard to imagine imagery more cringe-worthy (or likely to cause psychological scarring and/or burning of the eyes) as that of Karl Rove shaking his geriatric ass in a music video or on national TV. Horrific images of him doing the cha cha in his orthopedic shoes, sliding across the stage, playing air guitar, and shaking his booty at the camera are the very reasons why al-Qaeda wants to destroy America.

As Politico reported on Rove, "His arms flailed, he mugged, he shimmied, he crossed his hands, he backed it up, his BlackBerry became a prop, his voice went guttural, he took it up an octave."

And Newsweek's Holly Bailey wrote, "Somewhere in Idaho, Larry Craig is leaning in very close to his television."

In response to Rove's Correspondents' Dinner antics, Jon Stewart came up with his own Rove rap: "From the West Wing to the Crawford Ranch / Karl Rove has destroyed the executive branch / He has no scruples and I don't mean maybe / He said John McCain had a secret black baby / F**k that guy."

And a majority of Americans agree, "Yeah, F**k that guy.”