Top Six Scientific Research Studies Claim 'Holy Grail'

"The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom." - Isaac Asimov

Never has a truer statement been uttered in all the existence of humankind. If you've reached this site by accident, I suggest you panic. Because what I'm going to tell you is going to blow your mind, and change the way you see things. And if it doesn't then you are either a festering sack of bat carcasses or you are hip to this scientific study already, and it has therefore rendered you brain-dead, stupefied and/or all of the above.

It's quite evident we are living on the brink of something utterly revolutionary in the way humankind interacts with everyone and everything in the universe, or we are on the brink of total destruction. I'm an optimist so I think we'll go the way of the dinosaurs and not leave anything behind but a yummy Hot Pocket for our alien visitors. Mmm, Hot Pocket™.

Note: to steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Right, on with it then.

1.) It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Yes, and... in some cases will cause cancer of the arse, take this idiot for example:

What a complete TOOL. What's he trying to prove here? That he can swallow bullets? That he can inhale the smog cloud of an entire city if it was funneled directly into his lungs? That he can get bronchioalveolar carcinoma (that spells lung ass cancer, for us subgeniuses) and WIN? Just do it then. Quit beating around the bush you wussy.


2.) Rounding up the secondary part of the study. Scientific research has determined that New Years Resolutions always FAIL. Being the competitive people we are, many people are in a race for weight loss. You want to drop 10, but a coworker has loftier goals. They're going for more than 10 (like, 15 or 20 maybe; plus toning), but for the sake of this competition, you are going for 10.

By the first week, you have stopped eating the foods that help you cut the carbs and fats. Your coworker buys donuts for the office, leaves candy on your desk and before you know it you've GAINED 20 lbs you lard ass. Good going, you just let a coworker manipulate you with double reverse psychology AND you proved that New Years Resolutions always FAIL!

It's said that whatever you are doing at midnight on New Year's is how the entire year is going to play out. I guess this picture is proof positive then?


3.) Using yesterday's technology to solve today's problems, tomorrow on TODAY, we turn to Exhibit C:

There's too much blood in my caffeine system. That's right. You may be experiencing this phenomena as well. Symptoms include:

*Sudden lapses into coma
*Clinging to an empty coffee pot whispering "preciousssssssss…"
*Involuntary reflexes, ie. your limbs smack people through no effort of your own because they just have minds of their own
*Extreme irritability, keep all appendages away from the mouth of the monster at this point


If you have experienced any of the symptoms above call a doctor immediately. An instant triple espresso Java I.V. at a local coffee shop administered by a super-caffeinated clerk is just what the doctor orders.

Kaffeine Kills

Proof that coffee is dangerous.


4.) Do NOT interrupt someone while they are trying to develop Cold Fusion. Who the hell do you think you are? What the hell is wrong with you? Never interrupt a genius at work.

Nooooooooooo!

NOW look at what you've done...you've just set the human race back 60 years because you wanted them to pass you the goddamned remote!


5.) Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. Did you ever stop to realize that? Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students. When was the last time experience could be bottled and sold? Wouldn't that be awesome? Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. And if time didn't exist, just imagine the multi-tasking you could do! But then we'd forsake experience for instant gratification, and we'd never know that things are more like they are now than they ever were before...hmm, decisions decisions.

Are you as confused as I am now? Tsk tsk.


6.) Research has also concluded that partying with Republicans and/or right-wing conservatives can bore one to death. Partying with gay communists at gay clubs is fun as hell. Where else could you wear nipple tassels, platform shoes and get dollar bills shoved in your g-string when your ass is hairier than Robin Williams' back, and as a bonus it promotes tolerance.

Gay communism is a moronic insult used by homophobic right-wingers against liberals, or anyone they consider "different" from them. What the neo-cons cannot see is to what extent they depend upon OTHER PEOPLES FANTASIES for their entire STYLE of life. They wouldn't have anything to complain about or fight against. They are Nazis with ties who secretly admire the cock. That's why they resist it so much.

Now go eat a bag of pricks and get in touch with your gayness, Dr. tricky-dicks. Live a little.


Frankly, I think research dictates that the solution to all of humankind's problems is beer and passive aggressive behavior.

Click the button for alcoholic sound file.


p.s. you conservatives enjoy this edition as you hide in your cubicles or bathroom stalls at work. Read it and "titter" and giggle like school girls. Then post a comment below. But please wash your hands first, and don't forget to use the air freshener.