Zoo Trainer Loses Keys Inside Elephant

Tues Oct. 18, 2008

Monaco, France (Krapsody) - On Saturday at the Monaco Zoo, Alois Schieklgrüber, one of the most famous elephant trainers in Europe, lost his keys to the animal cages inside an elephant. It was a master set, making the situation all the more urgent. An emergency extraction had to be performed. The elephant, Penelope, is said to be out of harms way and is doing well. It is reported that the keys could have caused a "bowel problem", requiring an unconventional method of removal.

Krapcipe: Spam Skillet Casserole - Broil until golden

* Exported from MasterSlop (a subsidy of Krap Imports)*

SPAM SKILLET CASSEROLE RECIPE by Sir Static of Krapsody - Decimator of Spammers

Recipe By : The Robot Defeating, Cannibalistic Tribes of Papua New Guinea

Serving Size : 6 Preparation Time 24:00:01

Categories : Casseroles Main dish

Ingredients and Preparation Method
------------------------------------------------------
1 entire SPAMMER (130-365 lbs), de-boned, and cubed
2 Baking potatoes, cut into-1/8″ slices
1 c Thinly sliced carrots
1 c Thinly sliced onions
1/2 c Thinly sliced celery
2 Garlic cloves, minced
2 tb Flour
1 t Coarsely ground pepper
3/4 t Dried whole thyme
1 cn No-salt-added green beans-drained (16 oz)
1 cn No-salt-added whole-tomatoes, drained and-chopped (16 oz)
1 cn No-salt-added vegetable-juice cocktail (5 1/2 oz)
Butter-flavor vegetable-cooking spray

Cook potatoes in boiling water 3 minutes or until crisp-tender. Drain. In industrial sized skillet, cook SPAMMER until browned; remove from skillet. Add carrots to skillet and saute 4-5 minutes, stirring frequently. Add onion, celery, and garlic; saute until vegetables are tender. Combine flour, pepper, and thyme. Stir flour mixture into vegetable mixture; cook 1 minute, stirring constantly. Add browned SPAM, green beans, tomato, and vegetable juice cocktail. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Remove skillet from heat; arrange potato slices over SPAM mixture to cover completely. Spray potato slices with vegetable cooking spray (or 1/2 gallon of the spammers lard or if unavailable 1 quart imported Iraqi petroleum oil will do). Broil 6″ from heat source *1,426 minutes and 1 second* or until golden. Garnish with the following: scalped hair, toe/fingernails, clothing and shoes.

ENJOY (teh lulz)!

Keanu Reeves Gets Even With Paparazzo

Fri Oct. 10, 2008

Hollywood, CA (Krapsody) - Keanu Reeves ran over a photographer yesterday afternoon with his Porsche. The photographer, Sal Saliva, has survived and is suing Mr. Reeves, the star of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and Letting Go.

Reeves shown here, gained a few
pounds for future role as a sumo wrestler.

Saliva has filed a lawsuit against Reeves, for allegedly running him over. Saliva claims his face is mangled and his entire body was shattered, including his pelvis and his arms.

However, the hospital that attended Saliva, stated he was treated for a broken pinky toe and some minor cuts and bruises, then released later that evening.

Saliva also filed a motion to prohibit Reeves' camp from referring to him in future proceedings as a paparazzo or member of the paparazzi.

Saliva argues, such terminology could cast him in a negative light with the jury, citing in part the blame placed on paparazzi for the death of Princess Diana. Even though Saliva has been fingered, and additionally pointed at as one of the responsible parties in her death, the finger has since been washed, thoroughly.

Saliva, mad as hell.Saliva stated he would prefer to be called a "reporter," "celebrity photographer" or "photojournalist," and wants restitution in the amount of $100 billion U.S. dollars for the accident, and for being called a "Scumbag Paparazzo", according to the filing.

"Reeves broke my ass, and hurt my feelings, adding insult to injury, dammit. I demand compensation!", Saliva said.
"But, at least he didn't sit on me. Have you seen how fat he is now?", he quipped.

The motion left Reeves' camp wondering, "What about all the times Saliva referred to himself as a paparazzo, or a piss gargling arse-wipe?"

Reeves camp was further quoted as saying, "How politically correct do we need to be here, people? When do we dispense with calling a feathered mammal, simply, a duck; cease calling a liar, a politician; and refrain from referring to highway robbers as stockbrokers?"

"This is outrageous," Reeves camp added, "and we shall simply refer to Saliva as The Scumbag Paparazzo Keanu Reeves Should Have Backed Up and Run Over a Third Time, from now on."

Reeves' motion states, that Saliva certainly won't be covering any serious news (lame insider gossip and fake stories) or shooting anyone's portrait (standing in their bushes taking pictures of them in the shower) in the near future. Rather, he'll be "learning how to walk again, taking morphine doses until he passes out/nearly overdoses, putting together jigsaw puzzles, emptying his colostomy bag daily, continuing to take up space and breathe air, and of course, drooling incessantly -- things he did before the accident anyway. So why should we refer to him in any other manner."

The unexpected twist: Saliva's MySpace page is listed as belonging to "The Scumbag Keanu Reeves Should Have Backed Up and Run Over A Third Time."

Reeves has denied any wrongdoing, saying that Saliva tripped over his own feet, and fell under his car while attempting to jump onto the hood to capture a candid shot. Keanu stated, "Woah dudes, I didn't want to slow down. In fact, if I remember correctly, I think I accelerated when I saw him fall."

Story taken from eonline.com article, 10/10/2008

Ask Static: Part Tresbian

Yes, it's that time again folks. I get to answer your questions and offer a teaspoonful of my wisdom (anymore than that and you might gag or your brain could explode). I was recently contacted by a reader who has a rather unusual predicament. It seems she has a male friend who is a little bit too curious about her relationships with her girlfriends, if you know what I mean. No? Then read on to find out more...

Warning - This Post Contains: EGGS

...and bitches.

Oct. 05, 2008

Heyas everyone! Miss me while I was gone? I has beens so busy busy busy.
Y'know I have so many things to do. Like:

• Taste testing prison food (tastes just like dog food... blech!).
• Seeing how long I can hold my breath (Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible. My personal best is 2:00 (exactly).
• Trying to not think about polar bears (which is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway).
• Attempting to swallow my own tongue (there's not much to say about this one. It is possible.)

The list never seems to get shorter, no matter how much I scratch off of it.

Anyway, I was doing some reading the other day, and it appears that Dennis Quaid fired back at his ex-wife Meg Ryan for comments she made to In Style magazine about their marriage.

"It was eight years ago, and I find it unbelievable that Meg continues publicly to rehash and rewrite the story of our relationship," he told The New York Daily News,

"Gawd! Why doesn't she just get over my drunken, crack smokin', whore-mongering phase already? Jeez!"


Meg and Dennis divorced on July 16, 2001. Eight years after their split, Meg Ryan is finally willing to talk about her split from Dennis Quaid. . DRAMA!

“Dennis was not faithful to me for a very long time, and that was very painful,” she says in the new issue of In Style “I found out more about that after I was divorced.”

And as for her scandalous relationship with Russell Crowe?
“I think he took a big hit. But Russell didn’t break up the marriage. He was definitely there at the end, but it wasn’t his fault. I was a mess. I hurt him too at the end. I couldn’t be in another long relationship, it wasn’t the time for that. So I got out … My time as a scarlet woman was really interesting. I was a cum dumpster, a total whore. As painful as it was, it was also incredibly liberating. Now I was utterly free. I didn’t have to care about what people thought. I could be a total whore and what would it matter.”

Meg also talks about being dubbed America’s Sweetheart:
“It’s an old-fashioned idea, so anachronistic. I understood it was a compliment about being lovable, and it felt nice … but it also felt, after a time, like ideas were being projected onto me that had nothing to do with me,” she says. “The girl next door to what? I never felt like a very conventional person. I felt more like the girl next door to the red-light district, a total whore. You guys liked it and so did I. Tee hee!”
(she giggled and scrunched up her nose like she always does in her cute girly movie roles)

It’s always fascinating to me when celebrities talk about their pasts many years later. It's even more fascinating to see how they look after all these years.

Damn, she ugly. You ain't missin' much Dennis, nope not much at all. She's all used up man. Wow, Meg Ryan used to be so cute too. She was hawt, even.
Guess she can't play all those cutesy young roles forever.
I reckon she'll have to play Sean Connery's grandmother in "Sleepy In Seattle".

Let's see what some other famous celebs had to say about Meg's comments on omg!

Anyway... Who cares about what happens in the past. It never comes back to haunt you.

Right, O.J.?

Oooh, mah bad.
Speaking of prison food, Mr. Simpson also has seen his share of misfortune lately, guilty on all charges verdict for the robbery-kidnapping trial in Las Vegas came on the 13th anniversary of his famous acquittal in his ex-wife's death. The Juice has been juiced!

Some folks are saying, "This was just payback" or "He was going to be found guilty before the jurors were even picked just because of his acquittal in the Los Angeles murder case" or " O.J. isn't getting a fair shake".

You know, those may be really bad reflections on the Brown/Goldman murder trial, but it's an even worse reflection on the legal system in general. Everyone from the Los Angeles police investigators (wouldn't be the first time), down to the witnesses, down to the lawyers and everyone on the jury couldn't have handled the case any more incompetently than all of them did. And so once again we had O.J. on trial, the overwhelming evidence showing he did commit this particular crime, who's now facing a possible Life Sentence. Mr. Simpson may be getting a harsher punishment because of the popular belief that he likely committed those murders so many years ago and has gotten away with it. That's a bad bad thing if it's true.

I wasn't there to witness whether he murdered his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman in 1995 or not, but maybe O.J. knows. And if he did do it, and got away with it, he won't get away with anything once he meets his maker (the Pillsbury Dough Boy)

Also, just say he did commit those murders , he has to live with himself every single day of every single year of what's left of his life! He has to look at himself everyday in the mirror, has to look at his children, the people who loved those he was accused of murdering. That must be like hell on earth!

I wouldn't want to be in his shoes for anything (partly because they don't fit, he's a size 13 and I'm a 10 1/2, and partly because he has athlete's foot)!

I actually pray that if he is guilty of those murders, that O.J. asks The Pillsbury Dough Boy's forgiveness for those crimes, and that he means it. It says in the Holy Book of Pillsbury that praying for others and for forgiveness, doesn't mean you have to hang out with that person.

O.J. is in trouble with himself more than he is with the law....maybe he committed this latest crime because he was maddened beyond endurance by hundreds of nonsensical political speeches. He's in a pathetic frame of mind, with nowhere to go, because when he gets to his destination, he's still there. So he still has to live with himself... and Bubba, his homosexual rapist cellmate.

And now a song for O.J.
Credit: 'Prison Bitch' by Bob and Tom