Predictions for 2008

Wonder what predicaments, I mean, predictions might be in the works for the year to come? Well, so do I. Here's a few to mull over.
I wanted to know what my situation at work would be this year. What better place to do that than JobPredictor.com - job agencies with a personal touch. Here's what I got.

Hey thanks for your query, I have checked out everything about you and I predict that your ideal job Static is a Village Idiot. Good luck in your new career.

Yeah, thanks. Until there is a presidential opening that job is taken. Either way I guess not much is going to change in my case then?

Look at them, Smithers. Goldbrickers.. Layabouts.. Slug-a-beds! Little do they realise their days of suckling at my teat are numbered! - Monty Burns

Where did you receive your training?' 'Yale.' 'Good, and what's your name?' 'Yim Yohnson.' - Anonymous

Since my dreams of becoming a weatherman have been crushed, I can no longer deliver predictions like -

And your future forecast says:
Chance of snow at night... a chance of morning hailstorms. Either way, it's a global warming trend you're still going to fry. 20 years from now when there's another ice age, you'll be crying it's too cold. Today's high 105F (94C). Today's low -5F (-20C). Winds out of the Northeast, South and Eastern Westerly direction at 155 to 265 mph.

Thought for today:
I'm not a real meteorologist, I just play one on the web.

Or you can just absorb these predictions instead.

In case you were planning on skipping most of 2008 in a drug-induced coma, I have taken the liberty of making some stellar predictions about the new year, designed as a sort of "Sparks Notes" for a 365 day boredom-fest. I'm pretty sure most of these predictions will come true, but if they don't you can't be all pissy about it.

January

- After a slew of pregnant celebrities finally unload their cargo, celebrity baby photos will replace the dollar in American currency. Canadians, eager to cash in on the new economic trends of their big brother to the South, will attempt to force their celebs to get pregnant and spit out kids. Sometime in March, they'll realize that Canada has precisely zero female celebrities, and will instead decide to print Looney Toons characters on the Canadian Loonies, in a cruel, sad, and decidedly unfunny development.

- After his playoff loss to the New York Giants, Cowboys' receiver Terrell Owens opens up a popcorn franchise entitled "T.O.P. C.O.R.N.", an acronym for "Terrell Owens' Pop Corn is Outstanding and Really Nice." His sales are abysmal.

February

- Valentines Day is renamed Buy Shit for Women Day.

- A contingency on Capitol Hill led by Senator Barack Obama proposes legislation to extend February 3 days into March in order to properly celebrate Black History Month. The bill does not pass, and Obama is subtly reminded by Congress that he really isn't "that black."

March

-On the heels of his Super Bowl win, New England Patriots' Quarterback Tom Brady proposes to his supermodel girlfriend Gisele Bundchen. Gisele happily accepts, releasing a statement that she was "relieved to be rid of the name 'Bundchen'," and "eager to get to know Randy Moss."

- Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich abruptly decides to drop out of the race for the White House. In a brief press conference, he shouts "Can't catch me lucky charms!" and flies away in a marshmallow hot air balloon.

April

- On April first, Paris Hilton declares to her fans that she has been tested and is STD free. She doesn't get the joke, but her doctor does, and so does the rest of the world.

-The Smashing Pumpkins release another album on the heels of Zeitgeist, their "pay-whatever-you-want" internet smash of 2007. This time, however, the band decides not to put the CD online. Instead Billy Corgan personally hides 500,000 copies of the album around the world, creating a scavenger hunt for the ages.

May

-Osama bin Laden is finally captured by United States forces stationed in Afghanistan. Amazingly, terrorist attacks continue to occur. Intelligent people around the world are not particularly surprised.

-The American Idol competition is abruptly put on hold while bureaucrats nationwide attempt to gather enough food to satiate last year's fourth place finisher Lakisha Jones, who has ballooned to 500 lbs. and taken over a small colony in Southern Massachusetts.

June

- Art Van Furniture has a really awesome clearance sale!

- The Boston Celtics capture the NBA Championship, leading to the drunken destruction of over 30% of the East coast. President Bush declares a state of emergency, but calls off the national guard two weeks later when he gets a sweet "Bush #1" Celtics uniform.

July

- A heat wave cripples the nation and drought wrecks most of the Southern United States. Most people decide to "check that global warming thing out one more time."

- Britney Spears dies at the age of 26, from an apparent drug overdose and Taco Bell binge. In an ironic twist, her 8-months pregnant sister Jamie Lynn decides not to wear panties to Britney's funeral. All of American witnesses the televised fall of its own standards and decency.

August

- Martha Stewart returns to jail on her own free will after drinking a little too much White Zinfandel and heading out to a party in a striped blouse and a polka dotted skirt. At least she matches in that orange jumpsuit.

- McDonalds unveils its new "Fit for Fat" clothing line designed for obese Americans who had one cheeseburger too many. Top sellers include the XXXL Double Cheese Pleated Pants and the McNightgown.

September

- 6 students from California Poly Technical Institute get laid after swooning a group of ladies in a heated session of World of Warcraft. They never log out again.

-Columbia University releases a study stating that hammerhead sharks can actually respond to a series of flashing lights and repeat up to ten of them in a given sequence. Instead of wondering why the hell their tax money is being spent on retarded experiments, Americans determine that sharks would make good "Simon" partners.


October

-Dave Chapelle is found in Nairobi. Coked out of his mind, Chapelle was trying to create an episode for his old show out of sticks, dirt, and a 4 lb. pile of his own feces. Everyone agrees to just let him be.

- Saw V is released, just in time for no one to give a shit. In other Halloween news, trick-or-treaters nationwide cause the deaths of 492 senior citizens who apparently thought travel-sized toothpaste tubes and pennies were better than candy.


November

- Hillary Clinton is elected as the next president of the United States, proving that 58% of Americans are dumb enough to think that if your spouse can do something well, so can you.

-Celebrity crackhead extraordinaire Amy Winehouse finally unwraps her beehive hairdo, prompting the discovery of three missing children, a koala, the pick of destiny and $1.65.

December

- For the first two weeks of December, the entire Midwest is deafened by the gloating of the rednecks who left their Christmas decorations up from last year.

- Santa Claus' reindeer are seized by PETA representatives, assuredly preventing the jolly old elf from delivering presents on Christmas Eve. But being a quick thinker, Claus instead ties the PETA people to his reigns. The presents take 253 days to deliver, but everyone gets a big kick out of it.

By The Gerk @ arabianmonkey.com