Woman Goes for Leg Operation, Gets New Anus Instead

31 March 2008

Frunkfart, Germany (Krapsody) - A German retiree is taking a hospital to court after she went in for a leg operation and got a new anus instead, according to FoxNews.com

When I read some German woman got a new a-hole, I thought it meant she got remarried...

If you think you’re having a bad day, at least you didn’t accidentally get a new anus. But if you did accidentally get a new anus, then yes, you are having a bad day.

The woman in this story woke up to find she had been mixed up with another patient suffering from incontinence who was to have surgery on her sphincter. To make matters worse it seems the location of the new anus was also questionable as depicted in the following photo.

Before surgery, the surgeon and his assistants threw away the bottles of whiskey and the pcp laced joints they had consumed, just as they always did, and the surgeon (who allegedly can solve the Rubik’s cube in about 20 seconds and juggle six balls while intoxicated) took pity on the aging woman.

I need a new anus. Mine has a hole in it.

The surgeon, Dr. Frankensphincter exclaimed, "Well, she'll need another anus for the job! God has already given this woman legs and a mouth. Why shouldn't I give her an extra anus?! It’ll be a nice decoy to call out all the anally challenged nurses, they'll be wanting to take her temperature every single time they see her. Not to mention the extra bedpan service she'll get - AND as an added BONUS she'll be able to multitask by eating and defecating at the same time. I'll go down in history as being an innovative medical genius!"

Then the insane surgical team began to give her the tattered stab-wound starfish where her mouth used to be. The clinic in Hochfranken, Bavaria, has since suspended the surgical team.

Now the woman is planning to sue the hospital. She still needs the leg operation and a skilled plastic surgeon to give her her mouth and dignity back. She is searching for another hospital to do it.

This is just further proof that doctors and their operating room assembly lines are full of medical errors. It sounds like something out of a horror movie, but wrong-sided surgery happens more often than you think. Fine attention to details such as patient names, the correct site of the operation, the correct diagnosis, and/or the correct anus to replace are all left up to chance. You won't know what kind of procedure you're going to come out with until it's too late.

So I've devised a checklist for readers in the event they are having a surgical procedure done in the near future.

SURGICAL PROCEDURE CHECKLIST

1.) Do a background check on the doctor and the hospital where the procedure is to be performed. You want to know if the doctor has been released from jail recently after being convicted for murder or has any malpractice suits against them, like a history of non-surgical wrong-treatments/wrong-procedures or wrong anus procedures. You can check with your local health department to get more information.

2.) Speak directly with the surgeon just prior to your surgery to discuss the specifics of the operation he or she is scheduled to perform. Talk to the surgeon before you are prepped or given any anesthesia. Make sure s/he isn't using the anesthesia him or herself and that they know the difference between a leg, an anus and a balloon knot. In fact decline any anesthesia and inform your surgeon you'd like to watch and walk them through your operation.

3.) Don’t let nurses or other surgical staff mark the surgical site. Insist that the surgeon who will be doing the cutting, hacking and jabbing use a permanent marker to mark the incision site. In Canada, surgeons are advised to put their initials on the place to be cut. "It’s very reasonable to ask and participate in the marking of the site," said Dr. Peter Angood, vice president and chief patient safety officer of the Joint Commission (not the kind you smoke), "Come to think of it, grab a sharpie and just mark the site yourself as there is a 70% likelihood that you will correctly mark the area to be operated on."

4.) As you interact with surgical nurses, anesthesiologists, radiologists and other providers prior to the surgery, confirm they know what procedure you are scheduled for. If they don't then you know there are other surprises in store for you. And just wheel yourself outta there.

5.) Talk to your doctor about what procedures the hospital has in place to prevent medical mistakes like wrong-site surgery, and make sure the hospital where your operation is being performed is accredited by The Joint Commission (again the Joint Commission has nothing to do with medical marijuana).

6.) In the event they do perform the wrong procedure and give you a new anus, make sure you don't have to pay for or give the new anus back.

Good luck!