Weiner Means Winner in Warlock Speak

Come now, your wiener is not that big.

Thur. June 2, 2011

Weinerville, NY (Krapsody) - Rep. Anthony Weiner is in the hot seat this week over a sexually suggestive photo he allegedly sent to a 21-year old female student in Seattle who is one of his 54,000 followers on Twitter. Weiner has not stated that the crotch in the picture was somebody else’s. So whose could it be? There will be no juvenile dick jokes or double entendres here. Quite frankly, it was mine and here's proof.

I submit Exhibit A:



All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up.

How, or why Weiner got my wiener photo is beyond me. And just precisely what he's been doing with it before he started sending it off to young women on Twitter with reckless abandon is also up for debate; prank or not. If this were Charlie Sheen we were talking about this self-inflicted "prank" might just be another method of winning to him.

Don't get me started on Brett Favre and Kanye West's incidents, when you need only go as far as Craigslist's casual encounters, Chatroulette, or certain douchebags iPhones for proof that it isn't just male celebrities who are ready for their crotch close-up.

However, now that Rep. Weiner's fiasco has been revealed, I can only venture to guess the motivation here was that he thinks that I'm better endowed than he is, and sending images of my dong to prospective ladies is his way of acquiring dates. I briefly considered suing him, but after taking a moment to reflect on it how could I hold it against him? For one: I'm not a whiner.

Feeling inadequate are we, Mr. Weiner? As they say, silence is guilt.

The recipients of my photo must be painfully disappointed when they find out Weiner's wiener is not much bigger than a cocktail wiener. That is just false advertising in my opinion. Weiner's followers are the ones being most taken advantage of here -- not me. If anything I am getting some free advertising out of all of this.

Now there can be no question that that famous wiener belongs to me. It's 100% authentic and natural - USDA Prime grade beef. It's better than drinking alone or a poke in the eye. I should be charging folks just to look at it.

Consequently, my wiener pic is responsible for politicians in Spain reacting to the "cucumber crisis" in Germany, by stuffing their faces with cucumbers and other elongated green vegetables to prove their safety.

Surely, my wiener is much safer by World Health Organization standards, but then again, it cannot be a substitute for all those cucumbers going to waste. And, quite honestly, I would happily donate my wiener to the cause, but I kind of need it and all.

Rep. Weiner, on the other hand, shamelessly used my crotch as a ploy to flirt with his Twitter followers. And who can blame him, because all men feel just as compelled to use my wiener as a way to stimulate desire in any woman (or man) on the planet. So don't feel bad if you want to use it. If it's good enough for Weiner, it's good enough for you.

Who can resist my hypnotic snake charms? No one that's who. Not even you are immune. Look at it. Go ahead. I'll give you a minute to take it all in.

You are getting..sleepy . . NO!...horny. Just admit it and we can go back to talking about something less stimulating than my wiener . . . such as health care, unemployment statistics, my about page, naked photos of Blake Lively surfacing on the internet, or bin Laden's extensive stash of porn.

That will be $49.95 payable in cold hard cash now please.