666 People Visited This Site

Oh noes! According to Google Analytics... my blog received 666 visitors this past month. Which naturally must mean it's the devil's blog!




Idle hands do the devil's work, so apparently I am doing just that. I don't feel any different. Hold on, I hear the phone, just a sec...



"Hello? Who? Damien Thorn? Oh, yes, okay. Hi Damien. What's up? Hey everyone it's Damien Thorn!"



"Hello everyone. Static, how are you? Good to hear you are keeping me in business my friend."









"What business would that be exactly?"






"Why the fire and brimstone business you silly man! Ha ha, honestly where have you been?"





"Hmm, frankly I don't understand. I was just on vacation and then I had my birthday orgy, um party... I meant, so I don't see how I have been of any use to you-"



"Static! Stat, Statiroon. You are my right hand man. You can never leave the family. Now I'll just be needing you to write a story about Miley Cyrus, Hillary Duff and Charlotte Church having a four-way with Gary Coleman and they all have a rigorous bulimic binge and purge episode with Ho Ho's, Doritos and a plunger, all caught on tape. They then end up in rehab because of a nasty paint huffing habit. It will mostly be fictional of course and you can make up the rest, you're good at that you deviant little bastard, but this story will topple Hollywood head over heels and that is exactly what I want."





"What? I want to write whatever I want to. I want out of this, this is ridiculous! Who are you? Is this some kind of joke?"




"Stat, my good man. Don't be so dramatic. You wouldn't be disagreeing with me would you? It would be a pity if your dog got ran over by a bus tomorrow morning..."








"Uhh, yes, master. Your wish is my bidding."





"That's better. There, there."









"Oh, by the way Damien..."





"Yes, what is it now?"








"Has anyone ever told you when you were a child that you looked like that ugly ass freak Angus Young from AC/DC? You obviously copped his schoolboy look, you poser. Never had an original idea have you?"






"What?! Why you-"




"LOL LOL LOL! I bet you still pee your pants too!"








----CLICK----



Ah, so sorry but that conversation had to be cut short since I was running out of patience with it.



OK, so we all know that 666 is the number of the Beast, but did you know these facts?

670 - Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000000 - Number of the High Precision Beast
665.9999954 - Number of the Pentium Beast
0.666 - Number of the Millibeast
/666 - Beast Common Denominator
666 x sq. rt (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010 - Binary of the Beast 6
1-666 - Area code of the Beast
00666 - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute.
Over 18 only please.
$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$606.66 - Wal-Mart price of the Beast
$566.66 - Costco/Price Club price of the Beast
Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 - Way of the Beast
666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 -minimum deposit.
Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast
i66686 - CPU of the Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast
???- Number of the Blonde Beast
uh... what was that number again?

It's Dark Down Here and Hell is Hot Baby!

See you in hell then?

Happy Birthday to Me Happy Birthday to Me Happy Birthday to Me Happy Birthday to Me Happy Birthday to Me Happy Birthday to Me Happy Birthday to Me

Friends romans countrymen lend me your bank accounts. I am kajillion years old this Tuesday June 24th!

I've never felt younger in a pair of depends undergarments. Why I feel like I could... *cough cough hack hack* keel over and die any second...

But not until I've partied like it was 1999 in my birthday suit. Feel free to oil me up, sing me a birthday song, shower me with gifts, provide me with a chest waxing and stuff me with birthday cake (sans the candles, a kajillion candles would not fit on it, even if it was as big as Texas, Jennifer Lopez's butt, or Mick Jagger's lips put together, you get the picture).

Meh, just say hi if you care to!

WEEEEEE!


p.s. don't forget a fire extinguisher.

Top 6 Health Hazards of Public Swimming Pools

Summer is almost here! Oh what fun it is. Beach parties, cookouts, days out at the local swimming pool unless you are one of the lucky ones to have your own backyard pool. But fun in the sun is just not all it's cracked up to be. Here's a quick list of things that you can catch at a public swimming pool or even the private backyard variety that you share with friends and family this summer. So beware, a sunburn could be the least of your worries.


#1 - DIARRHEA
If you swallow pool water that is contaminated with traces of human waste, like if some kids butt wasn't totally wiped clean, the hearty bacteria floating around can be resistant to the chlorine in the pool water and be absorbed by your digestive tract giving you the runs. Oh joy! So don't swallow pool water. And if you do you take the risk of getting the hershey squirts. And please don't go swimming if you do.








#2 - RINGWORM
Hi! My name is Ringy the Ringworm. If you don't shower and keep yourself clean, I'll surely come and visit you. I may even bring along a few friends, like Jacque Itcherts and Al Thleetsfeet. This fungal infection can create a reddish, ring-shaped rash that is often itchy but sometimes not. You can get it anywhere on your body including your toenails and if that happens they turn thick and yellowish then start to peel. So wear flip-flops in those damp locker rooms. And if you do get it, wrestlers who get it the most often having close contact with each other recommend treating it with Lamisil or Lotrimin, or both, and just for giggles put a lit blow torch over the infected area for safe measure.


#3 - WARTS
Warts are caused by a virus that is pretty common, starting out as small bumps that have a texture like cauliflower on your hands or feet. They can last a few years and might go away on their own, or take control of your entire body and mind. Again, wear your damn flip-flops in public areas that are damp and musty. Restrooms, locker rooms, your aunts kitchen. And for pete's sake don't share towels. If you get a wart you can buy medication to freeze them off or have a doctor do it.


#4 - SWIMMER'S EAR
Aww, look at the kids having fun playing in the pool. Don't they look like they're having fun? Well, they aren't afterwards! Swimmer's Ear is not a new swimming stroke or technique like the backstroke. When that pool water gets trapped inside your ear, germs that live in the water can cause an ear infection. Your ear may itch, become red and inflamed and/or drain pus. I was lucky enough to experience this once when I was a kid, only I had an inflamed ear canal, a raging headache, a sinus infection, I was dizzy and nauseous and to make it even more exciting it sounded like everyone who was talking to me was under water. That was fun. A week of this along with daily doses of Swim-Ear drops in my ear was that much more fun, I can't begin to tell you how exciting the experience was. Want to avoid it? Don't swim. Or at least don't put your head under water. And if you do make sure you shake the water out of your ears and dry them thoroughly with a towel. If that doesn't work try a q-tip or zap them for a few seconds with a hair dryer. Or don't and suffer the consequences.


#5 - MOLLUSCUM
This viral skin infection results in small white or flesh-colored bumps. Showing up anywhere on the body as single dots or in clusters. Usually painless you can get it from sharing towels or pool toys like floats. It could take years for them to disappear on their own so talk to a doctor about having them removed. Unless you want to look like a cucumber or have random people come up to you and connect the dots with sharpie pens.





And finally: #6 - MEN IN SPEEDOS
Well what can I say? Any man in a bikini is just disgusting.


Good gawd, it look like he has a load in his... diaper. As if gratuitous plumber-crack wasn't enough do you think his butt wasn't totally wiped clean? No, don't think about that. It's the beach anyway, we all know that ocean water is polluted. Sorry. Besides that might be me or even you in so many years. So be careful what you make fun of.

Need A Lift?

Having thoughts about cosmetic surgery? Keep these in your wallet for quick reference.















If those don't deter you this will




Joan Van Ark

Before


After

40 to 80 in just under 6 seconds...

Hulk Will Suck Movie Review + Air Freshener Gripe

Even though I haven't officially seen it, and although I am also a fan of Edward Norton's acting, the new Incredible Hulk Movie is sure to suck big green Incredible Hulk ass.

Yep, that's my prediction. How many times can they do Hulk movies? If the CG isn't over the top, the story line is always the same. Meek, mild mannered (perhaps even passive-aggressive) Dr. David Banner gets into a sticky situation because of his nosiness and then he gets beat upon, pissed off and turns into the Hulk, a giant green cretin who then goes on a rampage and destroys everything in sight.

Besides, no one can replace the original David Banner / Lou Ferrigno's team effort on The Incredible Hulk TV series from the 70's. Another Hulk movie just reeks. Nothing will cure that stench, not even the freshest potpourri or sprayable air freshener.

Which leads me to my next gripe...
You know those cans of air freshener aerosol or those plug-ins that are labeled as "Sea Breeze", "Rain" or "Spring Garden" scented? Well, when was the last time a waft of ocean air was all that refreshing? 1932 perhaps? I don't know if you live by an ocean, I do, and I have to say nowadays a hefty blast of ocean air smells more like lobster shit, dead fish, pirate booty (not the good kind), bad halitosis, and several ripe armpits. Now if they could can that then I might be a believer. Oh yeah, "Rain" never smells like nothing more than wet concrete for you urban dwelling peeps, and "Rain" will smell like overflowing septic tanks for you country folk. "Spring Garden"? That should smell more like dirt, rotting compost, and weed killer. Mmmmm, FRESH!



And how about those food scented fresheners? Y'know, Cupcake, Cinnamon, Apple Pie... WTF? If I wanted my car or my house to smell like food I'd just sprinkle some cinnamon on the carpet, maybe get some Taco Bell drive-thru and stink up my car with that greasy taco stench. I'm all for natural scents, like "Wet Dog", "Sweat", "Moldy Carpet", or "Water Treatment Plant".

Err, I guess that's not so natural, but it sure beats "Pirate Booty" and the Incredible Hulk's ass, if that's possible.