Ask Static: Part Tresbian

Yes, it's that time again folks. I get to answer your questions and offer a teaspoonful of my wisdom (anymore than that and you might gag or your brain could explode). I was recently contacted by a reader who has a rather unusual predicament. It seems she has a male friend who is a little bit too curious about her relationships with her girlfriends, if you know what I mean. No? Then read on to find out more...

Warning - This Post Contains: EGGS

...and bitches.

Oct. 05, 2008

Heyas everyone! Miss me while I was gone? I has beens so busy busy busy.
Y'know I have so many things to do. Like:

• Taste testing prison food (tastes just like dog food... blech!).
• Seeing how long I can hold my breath (Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible. My personal best is 2:00 (exactly).
• Trying to not think about polar bears (which is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway).
• Attempting to swallow my own tongue (there's not much to say about this one. It is possible.)

The list never seems to get shorter, no matter how much I scratch off of it.

Anyway, I was doing some reading the other day, and it appears that Dennis Quaid fired back at his ex-wife Meg Ryan for comments she made to In Style magazine about their marriage.

"It was eight years ago, and I find it unbelievable that Meg continues publicly to rehash and rewrite the story of our relationship," he told The New York Daily News,

"Gawd! Why doesn't she just get over my drunken, crack smokin', whore-mongering phase already? Jeez!"


Meg and Dennis divorced on July 16, 2001. Eight years after their split, Meg Ryan is finally willing to talk about her split from Dennis Quaid. . DRAMA!

“Dennis was not faithful to me for a very long time, and that was very painful,” she says in the new issue of In Style “I found out more about that after I was divorced.”

And as for her scandalous relationship with Russell Crowe?
“I think he took a big hit. But Russell didn’t break up the marriage. He was definitely there at the end, but it wasn’t his fault. I was a mess. I hurt him too at the end. I couldn’t be in another long relationship, it wasn’t the time for that. So I got out … My time as a scarlet woman was really interesting. I was a cum dumpster, a total whore. As painful as it was, it was also incredibly liberating. Now I was utterly free. I didn’t have to care about what people thought. I could be a total whore and what would it matter.”

Meg also talks about being dubbed America’s Sweetheart:
“It’s an old-fashioned idea, so anachronistic. I understood it was a compliment about being lovable, and it felt nice … but it also felt, after a time, like ideas were being projected onto me that had nothing to do with me,” she says. “The girl next door to what? I never felt like a very conventional person. I felt more like the girl next door to the red-light district, a total whore. You guys liked it and so did I. Tee hee!”
(she giggled and scrunched up her nose like she always does in her cute girly movie roles)

It’s always fascinating to me when celebrities talk about their pasts many years later. It's even more fascinating to see how they look after all these years.

Damn, she ugly. You ain't missin' much Dennis, nope not much at all. She's all used up man. Wow, Meg Ryan used to be so cute too. She was hawt, even.
Guess she can't play all those cutesy young roles forever.
I reckon she'll have to play Sean Connery's grandmother in "Sleepy In Seattle".

Let's see what some other famous celebs had to say about Meg's comments on omg!

Anyway... Who cares about what happens in the past. It never comes back to haunt you.

Right, O.J.?

Oooh, mah bad.
Speaking of prison food, Mr. Simpson also has seen his share of misfortune lately, guilty on all charges verdict for the robbery-kidnapping trial in Las Vegas came on the 13th anniversary of his famous acquittal in his ex-wife's death. The Juice has been juiced!

Some folks are saying, "This was just payback" or "He was going to be found guilty before the jurors were even picked just because of his acquittal in the Los Angeles murder case" or " O.J. isn't getting a fair shake".

You know, those may be really bad reflections on the Brown/Goldman murder trial, but it's an even worse reflection on the legal system in general. Everyone from the Los Angeles police investigators (wouldn't be the first time), down to the witnesses, down to the lawyers and everyone on the jury couldn't have handled the case any more incompetently than all of them did. And so once again we had O.J. on trial, the overwhelming evidence showing he did commit this particular crime, who's now facing a possible Life Sentence. Mr. Simpson may be getting a harsher punishment because of the popular belief that he likely committed those murders so many years ago and has gotten away with it. That's a bad bad thing if it's true.

I wasn't there to witness whether he murdered his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman in 1995 or not, but maybe O.J. knows. And if he did do it, and got away with it, he won't get away with anything once he meets his maker (the Pillsbury Dough Boy)

Also, just say he did commit those murders , he has to live with himself every single day of every single year of what's left of his life! He has to look at himself everyday in the mirror, has to look at his children, the people who loved those he was accused of murdering. That must be like hell on earth!

I wouldn't want to be in his shoes for anything (partly because they don't fit, he's a size 13 and I'm a 10 1/2, and partly because he has athlete's foot)!

I actually pray that if he is guilty of those murders, that O.J. asks The Pillsbury Dough Boy's forgiveness for those crimes, and that he means it. It says in the Holy Book of Pillsbury that praying for others and for forgiveness, doesn't mean you have to hang out with that person.

O.J. is in trouble with himself more than he is with the law....maybe he committed this latest crime because he was maddened beyond endurance by hundreds of nonsensical political speeches. He's in a pathetic frame of mind, with nowhere to go, because when he gets to his destination, he's still there. So he still has to live with himself... and Bubba, his homosexual rapist cellmate.

And now a song for O.J.
Credit: 'Prison Bitch' by Bob and Tom

Thought For The Day No. One

Kind of has a point. 'Nuff said.

Laugh, by Thunder, Laugh!

And that's just what you do when you realize September 19th was Talk Like A Pirate Day.

It's true, do it! do it now! We missed it. All those who didn't talk like a pirate on friday will have to walk the plank with me. ARR!

A pirate speaks,"O'ly wale shite t' is Septembre the 19th?! Wall, den I bedder learn 'ow t' talk like a pirate 'fore arget jabbed oon me aft by a randy arse pirate den!"




Loosely translated into non-pirate speak, "Holy whale shit it's Sept. 19?! Well, then I better learn how to talk like a pirate before I get jabbed in my ass by a horny butt pirate then!"

Yeah, I really don't know what the fuss is all about either. So a couple of dweebos, obviously bored with nothing better to do, get the idea from watching Treasure Island over and over again. Big deal! So they've received worldwide recognition and throngs of followers. Whooptie doo!

Pirates suck. You hear that Johnny Depp? They suck cast iron ship cannons. And our stereotypical idea of pirates is dead too. When was the last time you saw a real pirate? Well, maybe if you have your own private yacht and you went sailing in the Caribbean recently you got attacked by modern day pirates (thieves) with muskets (machine guns, grenades) and they stole all your treasure (cargo, money, drugs) and your booty (your wife's and/or possibly yours too). But that's rare. Gone are thar days of yore arr! (shit I'm doing it again) This is a new era! Nowadays, pirates are on the internet!

More pirate speak, "We like stealing stuff off the internet! Movies, music, software you name it. Thank the stars for piracy! YAAR!"

Since we're talking about (bashing) pirates...I'm not sure if this is Chris Crocker impersonating a pirate or just a really sad drag queen...

"Leave Blackbeard Alone!"

Yeeesh. What a wussy pirate. Why you could sail your ship in all his tears and pee (yes, he wet his pants). He sets a real poor example for all pirates and so are all those International Talk Like A Pirate wannabes and their hot wenches too.

Everyone knows pirates were and still are ugly, smelly and gross and so were their wenches.

Anyway, Happy (be-lated) International Talk Like A Pirate (dork) Day!

Daredevil and Crew Flattened by Salt Flats

Sep 5, 12:41 am EDT

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah - A motorcyclist died in a Utah land speed record attempt last Wednesday. 47-year-old Cliff Gullett of Montana was killed after losing control of his bike at 385 kilometers (239 miles) per hour and crashing on Utah’s famous Bonneville Salt Flats.



He was trying to beat the world speed record set by a
jet powered wheelchair manned by none other than
Giuseppe Ceehowstoopidiyam that I mentioned in my last article.








Reports said Gullett was aiming to set a record for the fastest two-stroke, two-cylinder motorcycle but instead failed - killing himself and his two canines, a pair of trained corgi dogs named Inky and Stinky, who operated the motorcycle for Gullett. Gullett wanted his pups to experience the thrill of setting a world land speed record and to go down in history as the "goldarned fastest motorcycle drivin' dogs ever".

Investigators weren't sure what caused Inky and Stinky and co-pilot Gullett to lose control of the motorcycle Wednesday during a time trial. Of course the dogs' errors in judgement are considered at fault in the wreck since no one is certain if it was Inky who steered the cycle too far to the left or if it was Stinky who pulled the wheel a bit too far to the right, but in any event it should be said it was Gullett's fatal error in judgement that ultimately cost them their lives.

RIP You Krazy Bastards.

Gullett leaves behind a wife, a 15-year-old-son, a 10-year-old daughter, a tricycle stunt trained hampster named Spanky and a enormous stack of porn that impressed "the pornstack king" himself, Larry Flint.