Did you catch the Oscars Sunday night? Wait..wait..wait. Better question: did you enjoy them? Between Ben Stiller's awful Avatar spoof, and those horribly tedious - "I'd like to thank the Academy" and "I'd like to thank Gawd" acceptance speeches, I think I've found the cure for Oscar night blues, and it ain't more cowbell.
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| source: Producer Elinor Burkett Hijacks Speech In Oscar 'Kanye' Moment |
If I had won, this is how my acceptance speech might have gone.
Static's Acceptance Speech for the Best Supporting Actron Oscar:
Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly act! I feel so coked-up! And this statue - it's so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to secretly suspect that even in my wildest fits of self-loathing, I never would have made daddy promise that this could ever validate my mediocrity. And to the other second-rate nominees, I want each of you to know how totally mega-pumped your lackluster applause makes me feel right now!
You know when they first told me I was a God on Earth, I just had to take a Carnival Cruise and obsess about how freakish my fans have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda numb...
There are so many blood-sucking Napoleon Complex-suffering studio execs to thank! First off though, I want to bitch slap the self-congratulatory circle jerks of the Academy, who looked deep within their cold, black hearts before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank Charleton Heston, for being such a powerful force in my loins. And to the hooker with the heart of gold, who taught me to take life by the balls. And finally, to all the sycophantic talk show hosts - I couldn't have done it without you!
Thank you America, and good night!
**cue awful sounding melodramatic music tailored for near catastrophic elevator malfunction in single floor free fall**
19 Comments:
I'm glad you had a kind word for the hooker, they don't get the appreciation they deserve. I've heard the Charlton Heston thing improves with age,
That thing from Charlton Heston is just like a Court-ordered request of Child-support payments. Even when you manage to escape it, it just always keeps coming back, no matter how far you drive or how many foreign countries you illegally relocate to.
@ Banana-fanamomana-memimomana : hookers deserve honorable mention for all the cheap fat sweaty hairy bald-headed primates who have had the privilege of flopping on top of them! Hardly ever requesting, "Get your stinkin' paws off me, you damned dirty ape! " They gotta pay their bills somehow. Hookers are no more picky than their clients are.
Heston has a similar effect on all chimpanzees.
@ Juliolicious - Call me crazy, but you could be talking about Mike Tyson. I mean, anything is possible.
Even Mr. Heston could have several illegitimate children running around..any actor that can land the roles of THREE presidents, THREE prophets, and TWO geniuses must be able to score some bodacious punani.
Even in later years Heston could have rivaled Sean Connery in studmuffin daddy-crush fabulousity. That is if it weren't for his ties to the NRA. It's a bad bad thing.
Why, one day when Mr. Heston was "cleaning" his "gun", he "accidentally" "shot" himself. By "cleaning", I meant masturbating. By "gun", I meant penis. By "shot", I meant he actually shot himself in the face...and by "accidentally", I meant his "shot at love" with himself is what caused his death. PURE SHOCK. Not pneumonia as reported by the press.
And that dear readers is when Al Gore actually did pry Heston's "Second Amendment rights" from his cold, dead hands...(by "Second Amendment rights" I mean penis).
Paranoid old geezers with dementia should NOT be crafting our gun policies in this country. Surely we have a right to bear arms...but which kinds of arms? It does not say ALL arms. Obviously no one (sane) is advocating bazookas, grenades and the like. Pistols are far too dangerous, and people far too short-tempered, to be allowed to carry guns all willy-nilly and the like. I think it should be the way the founding father's intended it to be. Everyone gets a gun...but it can only hold a single round at a time, and it takes about 1 minute to reload. That's the extent of "arms" that they intended. Not automatic sniper rifles. Crazy old people/Tom Cruise. What do you need a .50 caliber machine gun for, other than a zombie apocolypse?!
@ Julio - I hear ya, but I don't entirely agree. If we prevent anyone from owning guns, then we all lose the privilege...can you imagine a world where all the crazies get guns illegally, and our Second Amendment rights don't exist anymore? Why we'd have to buy our guns on the black market too. Since Oliver North is no longer around, we'd have to hit up other crooked military contacts (maybe the Russians?)
You can have the .50 cal machine gun...that's for light-weights.
I got dibs on the rocket launcher.
And your Tom Cruise comment is unfair/unfounded. Scientologists don't believe in guns, therefore guns don't exist. Besides with thier jedi mind control tricks, guns are useless against them.
You better let me know if you're ever up for an award!!
@ thinkinfyou - I am up for one. Next year. I will be awarded the "Idiot of the Year" Award.
The thing I remember the most about the Oscars was Barbara Streisand going on and on about how great it would be for a woman to win Best Picture for her movie. It seemed very important to her that a woman win it. I believe they call her insanity, Misandry. It was almost a rant... a very long, obnoxious rant. Before her, Sean Penn was kinda being an asshole toward the Motion Picture Academy about something that they had previously argued about. It seemed quite a few people, in fact, were bringing up their own agendas that night. Goddamn it, these Hollywood cockbites should just shut their yaps and act and keep their personal agendas to themselves.
P.S. I thought Charlton Heston was cool in Soylent Green. "Soylent Green is people!"
if a busted skunk like Barbara Streisand won any kind of award, except maybe of course Best Voice Ever, I might be compelled to shart all over myself.
@ Kelly - Hmm, I am torn by your response. Part of me agrees, and part of me disagrees with you.
First, I think actors are entitled to their agendas, just like everybody else. And when it comes to the blood-sucking ass-raping industry they work in, well..MORE POWER TO THEM.
I, however, do agree they should just shut their yaps. It's an awards event and they are there to accept "the honor" bestowed upon them by the contemptible powers that enslave them -- and.just.move.on...
BUT, it is also a public forum where actors can be heard by a larger audience than their typical press conference that usually goes unnoticed by the general public by-and-large. So being that it's a public forum and a televised awards ceremony, this gives them an opportunity to endorse their causes, whilst standing upon their proverbial soapboxes, and for a few short moments they CAN actually express their opinions.
Shit. I totally got mind-fucked thinking of all the hypothetical situations involved with the parallels of both politics and the entertainment industry. It's straight out of a Shakespearean play. All the world's a stage..right?
@ Fupa - Heyas Fupa! Welcome to the kraphole. You are also a McGee? I am known as Shitbags McGee. We must be related somehow...
I hate to inform you this way. But you might be quite surprised to learn then that Barbara Streisand has won:
two Academy awards
nine Grammys
four Emmys
a Special Tony Award
an American Film Institute award
a Peabody Award
a The Biggest Shnoz in Hollywood award
a Sexiest Shnoz in the World award
and an Oy Gevalt! award for her portrayal in Yentl...
I anticipate you must have soiled yourself WELL before coming close to the mention of her Oy Gevalt! award. For this, I feel your shame.
After no admission of our love child Stareeka and the overall week acceptance speech on your part, I will no longer hack the votes on your behalf. Basterd!
@RazorLip - Like any A-list male celeb, I'm sowing my wild oats, and making my growing breed illegitimates or, more crudely, bastards. Speaking of illegitimate bastards, how is Stareeka? Last I checked, the paternity results weren't in...besides, I'm too busy banging models, nannies,..etc.. and on the set of my new film You're F---ing Special, to care. I can't be tied down now. I'mma rising star, bitches.
LOL @ busted skunk... I shall file that saying away for use at a later date. Static, I always imagined you to be related to Jack Schitt... a relative of Kneedip Schitt lol.
Nope, I'm related to No Schitt Sherlock..a second cousin, twice removed. ;)
Good to be back over here, I laughed as soon as I got in your site lol :)
...And as we all know the Schitt-Sherlocks share bloodlines with the McGees...it's a long story that involves dragons and drunken relatives getting lost on the Scottish countryside....you really want me to go into it all?!
Welcome back, Nunyaa!
How's life Down Under frumunda mah ballz? Lemme guess...nunyaa damn bizniz.. :P
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