Scientists and entertainers on ABC have JUST gotten out of hand. Their foul plans bring godlessness and corruption to everything they touch. They have defied Gawd's Holy Word and have committed the following abominations against Gawd and Man:
- made the earth round
- made monkeys unto our forefathers
- allowed women to read and write, to have orgasms, and lay with other women
Now they seek to raise themselves above Him by trying to create life itself...even changing the sex of it's creatures that inhabit his beautiful Creation. But their hands are tainted, and all they touch will turn out twisted, hideous, degenerate and soulless such as white soul/pop singers like Neil Diamond and Tom Jones.
Tarnation - what an abomination, folks. These goddamn homersexual scientists and their faggotry is out of control.
I give this passage as proof of the coming wrath of our mighty Heavenly Father and savior:
"And verily, their children will be unsightly and the odors from their bodies shall drive away even the angels." - Paregoric VII, Ratification 7.
Only Gawd knows when that will happen. Predictions are hard to make when it comes to Gawd and His plan for His humble servants.
But I think between Representative Michele Bachmann, Senator John McCain, and television viewing good Christians nationwide we can all agree that Gawd strikes down those He disapproves of. They might also believe that Nancy Grace may be less brilliant looking and much more offensive than Chaz Bono, but at least she's got a vaginer and she ain't gonna try and make her vaginer donut into a wiener penis fercrissake.
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| Perverted sodomites shall burn in the fiery pits of Hell |
Case in point: Kriand Mone (aka Chastity Bono). Kriand's mother, Jezebel (also known by her stage name, "Cher"), is an abusive drunken crackwhore washed-up harlot-scientist soulless white pop diva with a flair for the extravagant. Rather than reform her sinful life, she decided to shack up with a diabolical mustachioed midget and have a child by cloning.
With a quart of baboon blood, a garden hose, an electric skillet, and three gallons of chipmunk semen (who said Sonny Bono wasn't a rodent?) - Kriand was produced from this satanic brew. To set an example for all to see, God struck Jezebel and her slimy shart covered child-beast Kriand with His Mighty Ugly Stick and didn't skip any of the knotholes!
Now Kriand can only make a living as a circus freak, or make a guest appearance on Dancing With The Stars.
ABC and the scientific community are guilty of cheap pandering and "DWTS" has no business promoting social agendas or my name ain't Pat Robertson. Well, it ain't but that's beside the point.
May Kriand and Lacey Schwimmer's juicy ass be struck down by a bolt of lightning from Gawd's massive fuckstick during their demonic performance. And the same goes for ABC and its viewers of this perverted entertainment.
Yea, the ways of our Lord are just and merciful.
You can help prevent other bastard abominations like Kriand from seeing the light of day.
Join the Christians Against Cloning (and Transgenderism) Association.
With your help and the full weight of CACA behind you, WE can make a difference.
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| What's another word for creepy as shit? |
Thanks to pro-lifers everywhere this story was submitted by Pastor Fred Phelps of Westboro Baptist Church, and he may or may not burn in Hell sooner than later for his deranged and distorted view of reality. But even he enjoys swinging both ways on occassion.
23 Comments:
I was thinking of who I should promote my article on freak breeding to. These guys seem pretty legit. I'm sure that whilst they're babbling on about God, that they wouldn't mind taking a moment to peruse my advise on how to create mutated freaks of nature. I'm sure they wouldn't mind at all.
@VoteElGavino No, I'm sure they wouldn't mind. Because they're already disfigured inbred mutated freaks living in rural midwest America. But they can always use your advice and some of your DNA pudding. There's only so many times you can recycle the same sets of genes that your offspring become so horribly deformed they die from it.
One of their kin, Fannie Mae, has a normalish arm and a fully functional tiny baby arm. When she's giving you a handjob with her baby arm your junk looks huge (or so I hear). Hope this doesn't weird you out, but her daddy Freddy Mac likes to watch. Soooo...you must hump the knuckle-dragging porch-dwelling troglodytes El Gavino! Do it now! Do it to save humanity!!
i thought they reached their zenith implanting the radio receiver in bristol palin's skull and removing one of her left feet but once again i've been proved wrong.
i understand they tried to get kim jong il but he was busy training for the london olympics.
Aw, Billy..those weren't scientists, man. Those were Scientologists. Big difference.
Scientologists know absolutely nothing about technology, unlike Sphincterologists. Scientologists laughably believe that technology is up to the aliens that rule our planet and that any human being is capable of being perfectly sane if they believe that.
At least Sphincterologists have the sense to believe in nothing but pure hedonism and teh buttsecks. Because you just don't get through life without getting fucked in the ass in some way or another.
My god women have learned to read and write, the earth is round and monkeys have been sleeping with my ancestors – I’ve only been away for a week, what next little white boxes that can carry around all the music you own (I knew that was too good to be true the 160Gig only takes a third of my collection) and a fork crossed with a spoon – The World can’t take much more of this I tell you, it needs to flatten itself out crushing those reading women and ancestor raping apes….
@ BlackLOG: Know that your father is a neanderthal and your mother is a chimpanzee.
Well I know she shaves a lot but I never figured the truth until now.... I guess the signs were there though if only I had looked ….I'm off to get Bubbles a bunch of Banana's and something to clean up the shit she keeps fling around the house
@ BlackLOG But your dad is quite the artist. He keeps drawing stick figures on the walls depicting hunting scenes. One sketch in particular looks like a stick figure is humping a chimpanzee. What does it mean? =P
@ALollipopWorld: **Wearing assless lingerie & strutting my stuff in front of hundreds of dirty sailors**
@ALollipopWorld: And the problem with that is? Oh..riiight. Golly, if I could turn back time.
UPDATE - Upon reexamination of this article, I forgot to affix a disclaimer: "Any resemblance to actual situations, programs, people, or exploding muppets, is unintentional and purely coincidental. User assumes full liability for damages due to use or misuse or inability to understand any of this Krap. Good day."
So where dos this church group meet, is ther a congregation nearbuy that I can join?
shore as i can see it now yer gonna burn in hell mr. static
@ PJ you're in luck, there's a meeting on Tue in the tool shed behind your neighbor's trailer home. Then on Sun they meet in the abandoned Dunkin Donuts parking lot at the corner of Wherethefuckarewe and Rte 666,
@ Jed Clampett Sack my bulls.
I don't find any of this garbage funny. In fact its so disgraceful it should be burned then soaked in acid and buried underground in sealed containers never to see the light of day again.
@ Pat Robertson Funny you should mention that, I kind of feel that way about you and every other fanatical humorless git on the internet that don't get satire.
Static - I have a Verve Monkey waiting for your approval....If you reject it, it will be used for dog meat...So no pressure...
@ BlackLOG: Gosh, I don't know what to do here. Do I save the poor vervet monkey, OR do I let him become dog meat? Such a conundrum. Can I have a few days to think about it?
lewis black did and excellent bit on the dancing deal. for quality control purposes i watched again the next day without herbal medication and it was still on the mark.
@ Billy: Black's rants are always colorful and poignant. I couldn't agree with him more about this particular issue. For anyone who may have missed it, here's the clip from The Daily Show.
Chaz Bono in "Weiner Donut a-Go-Go" will be playing in a glory hole near you. Look for it soon and please support all of our wannabe stars who've taken the time to have their cunts turned into cocks and go on lame ass dancing shows to show us how brave they are and how we should praise them for their passion to be just as lame as the rest of them on that wonderful, oh-so-entertaining, tripe.
@ Kelly: I respectfully disagree with you on two points. First, although I am not a regular viewer or fan of most television shows (DWTS included), I think dancing is an underrated talent. Especially traditional dancing styles, such as tangos, ballroom, and swing. It takes A LOT of skill to pull those styles off. And there is a certain connection that those styles offer that modern dance doesn't. They are sensu al, not vulgar. And there's a romantic quality to them that could make just about any woman putty in your hands. Let's face it. Men don't know how to do that anymore. Back in the days men romanced dames, broads, etc. by literally sweeping them off their feet.
Additionally, Iraq war veteran J.R. Martinez is an amazing example of what the human spirit is capable of in the face of adversity. The same could be said about Chaz Bono who has had his life and decisions as a transgender under scrutination in the public eye for quite a while now. And to not let all that negativity, which would make most people hide under a rock, takes a lot of courage. Dare I say that Chaz Bono has more balls than most men do...combined. And frankly, who am I to judge what makes another person happy so long as it's not hurting anybody else.
For instance, I like to smear myself in peanut butter and have relations with inanimate objects in the privacy of my own house. Sometimes the bicycle is not as cooperative as I'd like, but the vacuum is always willing. So there! =P
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