Top 6 Health Hazards of Public Swimming Pools

Summer is almost here! Oh what fun it is. Beach parties, cookouts, days out at the local swimming pool unless you are one of the lucky ones to have your own backyard pool. But fun in the sun is just not all it's cracked up to be. Here's a quick list of things that you can catch at a public swimming pool or even the private backyard variety that you share with friends and family this summer. So beware, a sunburn could be the least of your worries.


#1 - DIARRHEA
If you swallow pool water that is contaminated with traces of human waste, like if some kids butt wasn't totally wiped clean, the hearty bacteria floating around can be resistant to the chlorine in the pool water and be absorbed by your digestive tract giving you the runs. Oh joy! So don't swallow pool water. And if you do you take the risk of getting the hershey squirts. And please don't go swimming if you do.








#2 - RINGWORM
Hi! My name is Ringy the Ringworm. If you don't shower and keep yourself clean, I'll surely come and visit you. I may even bring along a few friends, like Jacque Itcherts and Al Thleetsfeet. This fungal infection can create a reddish, ring-shaped rash that is often itchy but sometimes not. You can get it anywhere on your body including your toenails and if that happens they turn thick and yellowish then start to peel. So wear flip-flops in those damp locker rooms. And if you do get it, wrestlers who get it the most often having close contact with each other recommend treating it with Lamisil or Lotrimin, or both, and just for giggles put a lit blow torch over the infected area for safe measure.


#3 - WARTS
Warts are caused by a virus that is pretty common, starting out as small bumps that have a texture like cauliflower on your hands or feet. They can last a few years and might go away on their own, or take control of your entire body and mind. Again, wear your damn flip-flops in public areas that are damp and musty. Restrooms, locker rooms, your aunts kitchen. And for pete's sake don't share towels. If you get a wart you can buy medication to freeze them off or have a doctor do it.


#4 - SWIMMER'S EAR
Aww, look at the kids having fun playing in the pool. Don't they look like they're having fun? Well, they aren't afterwards! Swimmer's Ear is not a new swimming stroke or technique like the backstroke. When that pool water gets trapped inside your ear, germs that live in the water can cause an ear infection. Your ear may itch, become red and inflamed and/or drain pus. I was lucky enough to experience this once when I was a kid, only I had an inflamed ear canal, a raging headache, a sinus infection, I was dizzy and nauseous and to make it even more exciting it sounded like everyone who was talking to me was under water. That was fun. A week of this along with daily doses of Swim-Ear drops in my ear was that much more fun, I can't begin to tell you how exciting the experience was. Want to avoid it? Don't swim. Or at least don't put your head under water. And if you do make sure you shake the water out of your ears and dry them thoroughly with a towel. If that doesn't work try a q-tip or zap them for a few seconds with a hair dryer. Or don't and suffer the consequences.


#5 - MOLLUSCUM
This viral skin infection results in small white or flesh-colored bumps. Showing up anywhere on the body as single dots or in clusters. Usually painless you can get it from sharing towels or pool toys like floats. It could take years for them to disappear on their own so talk to a doctor about having them removed. Unless you want to look like a cucumber or have random people come up to you and connect the dots with sharpie pens.





And finally: #6 - MEN IN SPEEDOS
Well what can I say? Any man in a bikini is just disgusting.


Good gawd, it look like he has a load in his... diaper. As if gratuitous plumber-crack wasn't enough do you think his butt wasn't totally wiped clean? No, don't think about that. It's the beach anyway, we all know that ocean water is polluted. Sorry. Besides that might be me or even you in so many years. So be careful what you make fun of.

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Hulk Will Suck Movie Review + Air Freshener Gripe

Even though I haven't officially seen it, and although I am also a fan of Edward Norton's acting, the new Incredible Hulk Movie is sure to suck big green Incredible Hulk ass.

Yep, that's my prediction. How many times can they do Hulk movies? If the CG isn't over the top, the story line is always the same. Meek, mild mannered (perhaps even passive-aggressive) Dr. David Banner gets into a sticky situation because of his nosiness and then he gets beat upon, pissed off and turns into the Hulk, a giant green cretin who then goes on a rampage and destroys everything in sight.

Besides, no one can replace the original David Banner / Lou Ferrigno's team effort on The Incredible Hulk TV series from the 70's. Another Hulk movie just reeks. Nothing will cure that stench, not even the freshest potpourri or sprayable air freshener.

Which leads me to my next gripe...
You know those cans of air freshener aerosol or those plug-ins that are labeled as "Sea Breeze", "Rain" or "Spring Garden" scented? Well, when was the last time a waft of ocean air was all that refreshing? 1932 perhaps? I don't know if you live by an ocean, I do, and I have to say nowadays a hefty blast of ocean air smells more like lobster shit, dead fish, pirate booty (not the good kind), bad halitosis, and several ripe armpits. Now if they could can that then I might be a believer. Oh yeah, "Rain" never smells like nothing more than wet concrete for you urban dwelling peeps, and "Rain" will smell like overflowing septic tanks for you country folk. "Spring Garden"? That should smell more like dirt, rotting compost, and weed killer. Mmmmm, FRESH!



And how about those food scented fresheners? Y'know, Cupcake, Cinnamon, Apple Pie... WTF? If I wanted my car or my house to smell like food I'd just sprinkle some cinnamon on the carpet, maybe get some Taco Bell drive-thru and stink up my car with that greasy taco stench. I'm all for natural scents, like "Wet Dog", "Sweat", "Moldy Carpet", or "Water Treatment Plant".

Err, I guess that's not so natural, but it sure beats "Pirate Booty" and the Incredible Hulk's ass, if that's possible.

How to Get Revenge On Construction Workers

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Net Neutrality or Net Reality?

As supporters of net neutrality come up with new and improved ways to spread the word that includes everything from the net neutrality bill, the usual propaganda, petitions, guerilla marketing attempts and some other inventive ideas that simply verge on the absurd. Oh yes. Always be prepared for that.

Tania Derveaux is a prime example of the absurd step netizens have taken to save the internet. I'm only telling you because I care.

Tania professes on her web page, Don't Stay a Virgin;

I will make love with every virgin who defends the Internet.

The question is... How many virgins are on the internet? And how would one prove that any ordinary male is a virgin? Is there a litmus test for that? Is this a prank?
I'm sure there are plenty of horn-dogs just waiting to save the internet now. They are lined up around the block 100 times over!


"Skype me if you're horny."


This one's horny too.

Miss Derveaux’s way of limiting those queuing up to bonk her to a manageable number will definitely FAIL. And she knows it. She highly underestimates the number of virgins found on the net... or maybe she doesn't. This is a complete dichotomy.

No male can prove his virginity, not even if he meets the stereotype of a virgin and is a premature ejaculator or clumsy in bed, because 90% of men probably meet that criteria.

However, Miss Derveaux is obviously business savvy and a master manipulator. Getting hundreds if not thousands of pitiful men to sign up for the cause of net neutrality just so they may have a glimpse of Miss Derveaux's creamy thighs definitely works to her advantage and possibly ours as well...

The Japing Ape has a quaint story about her lurid technique to garner attention for the cause.

Well Tania's idea is all fine and good. I would like to point out if you are going to support net neutrality simply for sexual expression, the object of desire is more often than not pure eye candy, but in supporting the cause then be prepared to see just as much of the opposite too.



Be sure to get tested for a long list of STDs, Miss Derveaux.
This means you too, pervert. =)