Happy Entrails To You

Who would have known mountain biking was that hazardous?
At least that $4000 bike didn't get damaged.
More at: SpecializedMovies.com

Top Five Skrilly Scratch Sketches

Rarely do I find anything much worth a krap on StumbleUpon. But every now and again I come across a few jems that show there are some bits of creativity with an element of humor intact.

I present de-noted.com:

Every day a countless number of bank notes change hands all around the world. When was the last time the money itself said something to you? When did it last make you think? Has it ever?

What if you could make someone think before they paid?

What if you could make them smile when they got their change?

What if someone else could do it to you, just by asking you a question?

de-noted is a blog to see what would happen if you release a question written on a bank note.

But de-noted.com is also about artistically defacing currency.

Let's have a look at my top five picks from de-noted.com




Meet Ninja Hamilton, "Money can't buy you happiness but it can buy you assassins."



Queen Elizabeth II never looked better,
"I have to be seen to be believed. M-i-c-k-e-y-M-o-u-s-e. Ooooers!"


Washington as the Beast foretold of in Revelation,
"Let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the Beast."



Sir Wilfrid Laurier as Spock, "Money? Highly illogical captain."



Mao. Mao. Mao. Mao. Mao. I'm surprised they didn't have the Three Stooges... "Hey Mao!"


All this talk about money makes me wish I had more that I could deface. Let's have a look at today's market, shall we?

TODAY’S DAILY STOCK MARKET REPORT:

Helium was up. Feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued a slow decline. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. Balloon prices were inflated. Oil continued it’s slippery slide. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.


In case you don't know how to use Google;
Scratch = Money.
Skrill = Money.
Skrill monkey = A person who loves and hoards money.


Now dems some real skrill monkeys!

Why Bush Stopped Golfing

President Bush in an interview with Politico Chief Political Correspondent Mike Allen announced that he has decided to stop playing golf, get this, because he doesn't want some mother of a son who died serving the military in Iraq to see him golfing. He'd much rather reminisce about being caught playing with his inaugural balls in the oval office.

Witness the President's last swing, "now watch this drive..."

What he's claiming essentially is that he has morals and a conscience. Hurricane Katrina in retrospect, I guess he realizes while he and Papa Bush were out fishing after that disaster that there are bigger things to concern themselves with. Afterall, he has to keep up appearances, right?




As usual Bush stumbled, stuttered and skirted around issues such as the price of oil, the war in Iraq, and whether he likes plaid or solid colors with the usual rhetoric that makes no sense unless you are a mental patient who has just been lobotomized. Then his use of logic and the english language might actually make perfect sense.

You can catch the full webcast videos which appeared on Yahoo yesterday here and the entire transcript from the interview can be read here.

Some other witty quotes from the interview:

Q Mr. President, we understand you had a little homework assignment, you watched Steve Martin's "Father of the Bride."

THE PRESIDENT: I did. (Laughter.)

Q Did you pick up any tips there?

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, which is to write the check and be happy.

Q Mr. President, ......I wonder if we could ask a question from one of our users, Steve Bailey, of New York, who says: With oil at $126 a barrel, pushing up the price of everything -- even food -- what can your administration do to help people right now?

THE PRESIDENT: I appreciate Steven's concerns. With the price of gasoline going up, it's like a tax. I wish I could give Steven a quick answer. In other words, it took us a while to get to where we are -- very dependent on oil, and in a world in which demand is greater than oil. So my answer to Steven is that the best thing we can do is to increase supply, and to drill for oil and gas in environmentally friendly ways at home, and build more refineries. Steven probably doesn't know this, but we haven't built a new refinery since 1976, and if we're truly interested in relieving the pressure on our consumers, then we ought to have a very active domestic policy now.

Q Mr. President, for the record, is global warming real?

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, it is real, sure is. But the solutions -- having said that, the solutions have got to be measured and realistic -- you can't have a solution to global warming unless China and India are part of any international pact. It's one of the reasons I didn't accept what's called the Kyoto Protocol, and therefore was labeled as anti-environment. I'm a realistic guy. If the major emitters of greenhouse gases are not a part of a solution, then those who are part of a solution are acting in a way that's simply not going to -- it will affect their own economies, but it won't affect the overall global warming issue.

So, yes, I put forth a very realistic, straightforward program that makes sense.

This lame interview prompted one reader to respond, "Well, for an interview that was supposed [to] answer "our" questions about what is going on, there was so much fluff, I thought a marshmellow [sic] plant exploded. Baseball, golf, Father of the Bride!!! Come on!!!"

Pretty much sums it up.

Sex, Lies and Barbara Walters

After Barbara Walters admits to an affair with former Republican US Senator Edward Brooke
of Massachusetts in her memoir "Audition" and also in an appearance on "The Oprah Winfrey Show", Ms. Walters' voicemail reveals a number of other lurid secrets.

Re: Wandi Maker Needed !!

Occasionally I like to check out Craigslist to see if anything of value is posted. Sometimes you can find items you want for really cheap, or in some cases free. I like to also see what kind of ridiculous ads people put up, and there are plenty if you've noticed. Take for example this help wanted ad in Rhode Island: Wandi Maker Needed !!

Well, I didn't have any idea what a wandi was until I asked a few people. Apparently, it's a cookie formed into a bowtie, fried in oil, then sprinkled with confectioners' sugar... I didn't know there was demand for professional bowtied fried sugar sprinkled cookie-makers. Only in Rhode Island as they say, little do Rhode Islanders know, the rest of New England is actually making fun of them.

So naturally, being the cantankerous pessimistic lame ass bastard that I am, I decided to post a response.

Re: Wandi Maker Needed !! (Cranston)
Reply to: see below
Date: 2008-05-01, 1:32PM EDT

To the guys with the BUSY Italian bakery looking for a professional wandi maker.

Are you SERIOUS?! A professional WANDI maker??????

Don't you mean you are looking for a BAKER or a CHEF - I assume that's who make wandis right - not just a professional wandi maker? Because I seriously doubt ANYONE has "professional wandi maker" listed on their resumes.

Also your reference to pay and inquiries: "hourly wage to be determined according to experience. e-mail us to get more information."

?????

Have you actually had anybody respond to this ludicrous ad? Do most people even know what a wandi is? Would a professional "wandi maker" respond? Would they waste their time? What would that be like, hmm let me see.... maybe something like this:


*********************Re: Wandi Maker Needed !!*********************


Hi wandi making Busy Italian Bakery manager,

My name is Goombah McWandi!
I'm a professional wandi maker, I have been happily making wandis for 25+ years. I specialize in wandi making. Wandi making is a skilled culinary art, for which I have a masters degree in wandi crafting from Wandi Tech. In fact you could say I am a wandi ninja. I wandi all day, I wandi all night. I can even wandi in my sleep. Over 1,000,000,000 wandis served!

My work references include a long list of wandi specialty stores, some non-descript Italian restaurants, and a wandi factory. I work for no less than $3.00 per hour.

Please find my resume attached and call me at your convenience. Ciao!

Regards,

Obi-Wandi Kenobi


So do I get the job?




* Location: Anytown, RI
* Compensation: a pile of wandi
* This is a part-time job.
* This is an internship job
* OK for recruiters to contact this job poster.
* Phone calls about this job are ok.
* Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests. In fact don't contact at all.

http://providence.craigslist.org/lab/663645824.html

So naturally, I haven't heard anything. I'm not surprised really, they probably took my response quite hard and have decided to bring in a trained monkey instead.

I also couldn't help but submit my own post to the Best of Craigslist (just to annoy them and other people a bit more, that's how I roll). Feel free to submit it too.
Vote 'Re: Wandi Maker Needed !! for addition to Best of Craigslist