Showing posts with label furry critters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label furry critters. Show all posts
Happy Easter or something like that
 |
They say if you look into it's eyes long enough you can see hell. |
When Sailing The Sea Of Memes, Beware of Shark-Cat
—tags: funny pictures, furry critters, memes, silly, thought for the day, weird
Thought For The Day: Mom's In Demand
It's been a while between articles, but I'm never gone for long. The internet has a better chance of getting rid of me once Hell freezes over, and considering climate changes and global warming that will happen NEVER. And so lately I've been awful busy making cheese and selling door knobs, and in this economy it's just that much more difficult to sell door knobs made of cheese.
Can You Hear Me Now?
"The inability to stay quiet is one
of the conspicuous failings of mankind."
- Walter Bagehot, 1826-1877
I'm sure you've all been asking yourselves "where has that wild and crazy guy, Static been?" I'll tell you in this torrid tale, just for your inquiring minds that will make your socks shoot off your feet, right into the dirty clothes hamper. It's about damn time too, they were starting to get all crunchy it's been so long since ya changed 'em. Hasn't it?
My gripe of the week: Goddamn cellphone tards! Consider yourself warned.
The Five Stages of Grief
Anyone familiar with the Cartoon Network - Adult Swim animation series Robot Chicken knows how great and goddamn funny the sketch comedy is. There was a clip I came across while browsing on YouTube, that addresses the Five Stages of Grief, ironically..considering my recent loss, it was quite apropo.
Man!...death...I mean Seth Green is amusing! Good grief, Charlie Brown. Watch the vid...
Really, there's nothing all that "knee-slapping" funny about death or dying. Actually, in retrospect once you're past the shock of the experience, just about anything can have an element of humor.
Why just the other day I was attacked by a mob of clinically depressed circus clown retirees upset over my lame 'anti-anti-comedy manifesto'. They tasered me, shredded my hand in a blender, and poured battery acid all over my genitals. And looking back now..it was HILARIOUS!
—tags: comedy, death, family, funny video clips, furry critters, humor, satire
Exclusive: Want To Steal African Babies and Save the World But Can't Get Started?
with
Krapsody.com Reporter Dubious Monk
Inside Madonna
With turmoil in Africa, an economic melt down in the U.S., and two wars raging in the Middle East the question right now on most peoples’ minds is, so how the heck is Madonna’s love life going since she and Guy what's-his-name split up and how's she holding up after her plans to adopt a baby girl from Malawi were thwarted?
We were wondering too, so we dispatched Krapsody.com’s crack correspondent, Dubious Monk, to find out.
—tags: Celebs, furry critters, humor, Madonna, news, satire
If You Have Any Poo, Please Fling It Now
"Honey, Have You Seen My Anti Monkey Butt Powder? I Sense a Powerful Chafing Coming On."
- An Ephemerist Blogger
Sat Feb. 21, 2009
STAMFORD, Conn. (Krapsody) – I just took a big dump. Nothing in the world feels better. Really, I know it's gross and probably too much information for you, but that's just how I feel.
And in other news if you hadn't heard about this yet, a chimp ripped some chicks face off, apparently for having a new hairstyle. It must of been a really bad one to piss off a chimp loaded on Xanax. Or maybe the chimp wasn't doped up on Xanax at all, maybe he was just high on life. You'll have to read more of this story to find out...you're in for one hell of a rant.
In Stamford, Connecticut a drug-crazed celebrity chimp was stabbed and shot to death after he mauled a woman's friend nearly to death on Monday Feb 16. Truly a sad tale of a chimp going "bananas" on a lady's face. Turns out the woman who owned the attacking chimp is bananas as well.
Sandra Herold, a 70-year-old widow whose daughter was killed in a car accident several years ago, kept a chimpanzee named Travis as a pet. Herold said in an interview aired Wednesday morning on NBC's "Today" show that she gave Travis the anti-anxiety drug Xanax in some tea less than five minutes before he attacked her friend Charla Nash, 55 — even showing a reporter the mug.
Travis appeared in TV commercials for Old Navy and Coca-Cola when he was younger, and at home he was treated like a member of the family. A family friend said Herold fed the chimp steak, lobster, ice cream and Italian food. That was one spoiled chimp.
Police have said Herold told them that she gave Travis the chimp Xanax that had not been prescribed for him earlier on Monday to calm him because he had been agitated.
Later Herold told the AP the chimp "was my life" and changed her admission that she gave him any drug, stating she "never, never, never" gave the chimp Xanax. "He [Travis] never had anything but love."
Herold also claimed she loved the now-departed pet chimpanzee Travis like a son, but friends claim their relationship might have been more like that of lovers, The New York Post reports that in addition to Sandra and Travis sharing filet mignon, lobster tails, and wine, "They bathed and slept together. He tenderly brushed her hair. She gave him gifts and sweet kisses. He drew her pictures."
In other words, "Love is a drug, and I am higher than a giraffe's ass."?
And even if they weren't "intimate intimate," they were intimate, Sandra's unnamed intimates intimated.
Only in New England folks!
Herold speculated that Travis was being protective of her when he attacked Nash, who she said was driving a different car, wearing a new hairstyle and holding an Elmo stuffed toy in front of her face as a present to the chimp.
"She had the toy in front of her. This was just a freak thing," Herold said.
I'll tell you what the freak thing is here, having a chimp for a pet.
"It was the most horrible thing that could ever happen," she said.
Authorities are trying to determine why the chimp, a veteran of TV commercials who could dress himself, drink wine from a glass and use the toilet, suddenly attacked. A test for rabies was negative, Stamford police said.
Nash had gone to Herold's home in Stamford on Monday to help her coax the chimp back into the house after he got out.
After the initial attack, Travis ran away and started roaming Herold's property. An officer shot the chimp several times after it opened the door to his cruiser and started to get in.
Maybe he just wanted to go for a ride?
Sandra Herold, the "Pimpanzee" sounds like somebody I'd wanna hang out with... except for the owning an aggressive drug-addled primate part.
Something tells me Herold might have disrupted Travis' wiring at a very precious age. Come to think of it, I think something disrupted Sandra Herold's wiring at a very precious age. If sanity or the lack of it was criteria by which people could or could not become owners of chimpanzees, we'd all be chimps beating each other over the head with bones.
im gonna keel j0o!
According to Dr. Emil Coccaro, chief of psychiatry at the University of Chicago Medical Center, human studies with Xanax have proven to lead to aggression in people who are unstable to begin with.
seconds after this photo was taken Cheeta the Xanax poster chimp ripped this man's head off
"Xanax could have made him worse," if human studies are any indication, Coccaro said.
The chimpanzee's rampage forced Herold a.k.a Pimpanzee, initially to pound him with a shovel. Realizing she had the biggest moment of FAIL, Herold eventually ran inside her home to call 911 and returned with a knife.
"For me to do something like that — put a knife in him — was like putting one in myself." Herold said Wednesday. "Then he turned around and [was] like, 'Mom, what did you do?'"
It certainly seems someone should have had their medication that day. And should have also had a tranquilizer gun handy...for Sandra I mean.
I wonder if Sandra Pimpanzee's knuckles get sore from being dragged around on the ground so much?
Herold's voice was filled with fear and horror in 911 tapes released by police Tuesday night.
Travis can be heard grunting as Herold cries for help:
"He's killing my friend!"
The dispatcher says, "Who's killing your friend?"
Herold replies, "My chimpanzee! He ripped her apart! Shoot him, shoot him!"
"Your chimpanzee?" the dispatcher asks in disbelief.
"Yes! Yes! Z0MG YES!" Herold cries.
(screeches and grunts heard in background)
"What's the monkey doing now?" the dispatcher asks.
Who the hell hires these 911 operators? They should be fired along with the operator who would ask such a stupid question and waste time making judgements to assess a situation, when that is really up to the police and paramedics.
What's the woman going to say? "Well..he's done ripping my friends face off now, since you've been stalling for the last five minutes. He's eating a banana and scratching himself at the moment."
So after police arrived, one officer radioed back: "There's a man down. He doesn't look good," he says, referring to the disfigured Nash. "We've got to get this guy out of here. He's got no face."
Charla Nash lost her nose, eyes and jaw. Pleasant..I imagine that was quite horrifying to a small city rookie cop who had probably never even seen blood before.
A visit to Wikipedia regarding Stamford, CT reveals: "Stamford was the ninth-safest city in the United States in 2006 and for the past six years has ranked in the top 11 safest cities with populations of 100,000 or more, according to the FBI. CNN/Money and Money magazine ranked Stamford 46th on its list of the 100 Best Places to Live in the United States."
Unless you have a friend who owns an aggressive chimp.
Doctors at Stamford Hospital said Wednesday that it took four teams of hand specialists, plastic surgeons, specialists in orthopedics, and ophthalmology more than seven hours to stabilize Nash, who made slight progress but remained in critical condition.
Police have said they are looking into the possibility of criminal charges. A pet owner who knew or should have known that an animal was a danger to others can be held criminally responsible.
I have to wonder does Herold feel any remorse or sorrow for her friend's predicament? So far, unless the media hasn't released any additional comments yet, Herold said Nash is a close friend but seems to have only made comments about her beloved chimp.
A defect in Connecticut's laws allowed Herold to keep the chimp in her home, probably illegally. There are rules requiring large primates to be registered by the state, but officials have some discretion in enforcing them and violations carry only minor penalties. Connecticut officials are seeking laws banning potentially dangerous exotic animals.
Primate experts say chimpanzees are unpredictable and dangerous even after living among humans for years. Herold rejected criticism that they are inappropriate pets.
"It's a horrible thing, but I'm not a horrible person and he's not a horrible chimp." she said.
The Crazy Chimp Lady Plot Thickens
As authorities consider criminal charges and the possibility of a lawsuit, Herold backtracked Wednesday on whether she gave the animal the anti-anxiety drug Xanax. She told The Associated Press that she never gave the drug to her 14-year-old chimp, Travis.
However, Herold said in that interview mentioned earlier that she gave Travis the drug in some tea less than five minutes before he attacked Nash, even showing the reporter and viewers the mug, given to him, once again, to calm him because he was "agitated". A necropsy on Travis' body had been performed, but results won't be available for weeks. That's nice. Could you imagine lying to get out of any responsibility if your dog mangled your friend's face? Who needs friends with enemies like that? I think there are millions of witnesses to her remark that she in fact slipped him a mickey.
Obviously, after Herold heard that Xanax could be the reason why Travis flipped and nearly killed her friend, it's got the woman trying to get out of any wrongdoing.
Lest we forget another woman has come forward claiming Travis attacked her years ago. Leslie Mostel-Paul says she tried shaking Travis' hand, when the chimp tried pulling her through a car window into the car and bit her hand.
Meanwhile, an animal control officer, Lynn DellaBianca, as quoted in that article said she spoke to Herold in 2003 after Travis escaped and frolicked into traffic.
DellaBianca, who ran Stamford's animal shelter at the time, said she warned Herold that the pet's behavior could be a problem.
"Certainly my concern was for public safety," DellaBianca told The AP. "Male chimpanzees, once they reach maturity, can be aggressive. I'm sure I did express that to her."
Herold said she expected to eventually have to give up the chimp, DellaBianca said.
"She did say that herself. She knew someone day he would probably have to go to a sanctuary," DellaBianca said. "She knew chimpanzees, they can get more difficult to handle as they get older."
Krapsody primate behavioral expert, Dubious Monk examines the evidence in this case and came to the following conclusions:"Are Wild Animals Dangerous?!" Dubious yelled, "No. Not any more than crazy people are. Now feel free to smear monkey pheromones and feces all over yourself and go play with some horny gorillas."
"Gorillas are harmless. Chimpanzees however are vicious. They will smile at you, attempt to look all cute, but lurking just beneath the surface is a monster, waiting..LURKING! Chimpanzees will rip your god-damned face off!!!!"
Bottom line is: Chimps are dangerous! Hello?! Big red truck!
For proof watch a video captured of a chimp beating a man nearly to death simply for wearing Sponge Bob pajamas. LINK
Also watch a horrifying clip of the Bloodthirsty Carpet Monkey claiming his victims!
The famous Steve Irwin also had a warning about chimpanzees. Here is a transcript of a PSA he gave a number of years ago."Dear World,
KoalasChimpanzees are dangerous.
k thx bye!
p.s.don’t let them gnaw on your arm for more than 24 hoursDON'T offer them bananas with your bare hand, I know this because I made that mistake. Crikey!
Love,
Steve Irwin"
Experts, including Steve Irwin have stated there are ways to avoid chimp attacks as follows:
Wear revolutionary Chimp Warfare clothing - which differs greatly from Gorilla Warfare
(more on Gorilla Warfare here)
Act ganksta around a chimp
krunk is showin' you is rollin' in mad bills yo
Don't attempt this at home: K-Fed is not gangsta - he's a Douchebag!
Up until this point we've heard the cons against owning a monkey. Here are 9 reasons why you should own a monkey:
Monkeys. They're awesome. You don't really need a list of reasons to own a monkey, but in case you're curious, here are nine very important ones to consider.
1. Drinking Buddy Banana liquor -- there's a reason bars serve it. But monkey isn't picky either. He'll drink his own urine if given the chance. If you thought your monkey was funny before, wait until he's dancing on the bar to "Fergalicious" after his tenth shot of Jaeger. The bad part is you'll probably be picking up the tab. Totally worth it though.
2. Designated Driver If movies from the 80's taught us anything, it's that monkeys can drive (and give the finger). Is a cop going to give a monkey a ticket? I mean, who'd believe him? After a long night of drinking, monkey will probably be the better driver anyway, so give him the keys and fasten your safety belt, because it's going to be a thrill-ride no matter where you're going.
3. ChildcareI've never opened the newspaper to read about some Momma monkey leaving her baby inside a car in 100 degree weather. Never once have I seen an evening news piece about a Daddy monkey being thrown in the back of a cop car while a baby monkey is sent away with Child Protective Services. Monkeys love their children and -- since most babies seem to resemble little, hairless primates -- I'm sure your monkey would take to your infant as if it was his or her own. It's up to you when it comes to breaking your children of poo-flinging, though.
4. BlameThey are always saying that you can't blame an animal for the things it does. For its instincts. Monkeys make the perfect fall guy for your everyday screw-ups. No one gets mad at the monkey. Spilled something? Monkey did it! Ate the last slice of pizza? Monkey did it! Slept with your bosses' wife? Monkey did it! Twice. Who farted? I think we know the answer.
5. Two PlayersWith a monkey you'll always have a second player for anything you choose to do. Monkeys love all games. And, truthfully, you hate losing, so having a monkey as a second player should give you an easy win every time unless you've foolishly chosen something that involves trees and/or vines.
6. Your Girlfriend's Cat A monkey will easily solve that problem.
7. BackupMonkeys are loyal. If you've got beef with someone, monkey's got beef with someone, and he will fight to the death to protect you. How many of your boys would do the same? Plus, monkeys have thumbs and that'll come in handy when it's time to draw down on some punk bitches who dare to roll through your hood.
8. Wingman You know the situation. You're at the bar and you glance at this hottie in the corner hanging with her ugly friends. One of your bros might say, "Dude. Screw you pal, I ain't jumping on that grenade, but not monkey. Monkey doesn't mind taking one for the team. In fact, monkey prefers ladies with extra body hair.
9. RevengeNo one suspects the monkey. Monkeys don't have criminal records and there will be no cross-examining of the witness. There are no records of monkey fingerprints and a police line-up would be pointless. You can safely have your monkey kill your enemies
The "9 Reasons List.." was brought to you by Top10Kid.com
Higher Than a Giraffe's Ass
"The search for wisdom is a great challenge; to act on wisdom is an even greater challenge."
- Jagadguru Siddhaswarupananda Paramahamsa
What does the term "higher than a giraffe's ass" mean? It 's when someone is really high (on life... or drugs.)
Happy Entrails To You
Who would have known mountain biking was that hazardous?
At least that $4000 bike didn't get damaged.
More at: SpecializedMovies.com
—tags: comedy, funny video clips, furry critters, satire
What in the Hell is this Post About?
___________________________________________
As to what exactly is going on here, a little help please! This is obviously some kind of instruction manual, but I am somewhat confused as to what for. It appears to be Japanese (correct me if I'm wrong). Maybe it's instructions for some kind of weird WWII submarine drill kamikaze style or a cartoon about blow-up doll love-making techniques - kamikaze style? Maybe it's a recipe for making teriyaki chicken? All I know is Hiro-san must have been hitting the sake a bit hard when he thrust his blow-up doll's ass out a vent to moon the fish. Not exactly a moment of pride for the Japanese Navy, eh? Yeah, and when the sub took on too much water he wasn't feeling so cocky (no pun intended) then I bet.
_______________________________________________
Meet the man who cut off his nipples, and turned them into earrings. Because he could. John Blake says the experience was "interesting". Hating the sensation of his nipples being there, John had the chance for them to be removed, and he took it.
That opportunity came after he saw someone on the internet that had branded his nipples off. John didn’t like the idea of branding, though, and had his sliced off instead. Oh joy! Howie @ Lunacobra.net apparently did the procedure, and afterwards John couldn’t bear to throw them away. So why feed them to the birds, what better thing to do than to wear them in his ears?
Once the no longer offensive nipples were removed, John kept them in his freezer until they turned into nipplicles , eventually thawed the nipplicles out, and let them dry so there wasn’t any moisture in them and then put a little resin in the bottom of some steel tunnels that he already wore in his lobes. Then he let it dry, chucked his nipples in, filled up the tunnels and let it dry overnight. Then, bingo, they were done.
If this wasn't strange enough, next he’s planning to get his navel removed (if he can find someone willing to do it and god knows where he is going to wear that) and has a tentative plan to swap part of his finger with someone else's. I'm surprised he didn't think to swap his ears with his nipples, then he can have his pierced ears with the resin cast nipples in them on his CHEST. What a treat! Article excerpts courtesy Bizarre Magazine UK.
________________________________________________
The Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) is an independent US Government agency responsible for providing national security intelligence to senior US policymakers. This also includes a publication available for anyone to view called The World Factbook updated annually. In the Economy category, three fields have been added that focus on capital stocks and investment. They are "Stock of direct foreign investment - at home," "Stock of direct foreign investment - abroad," and "Market value of publicly traded shares." The CIA's World Factbook has a page on each country's current account balance. I can only assume to categorize which countries can be a threat to the CIA. Search for the United States on the page. It's there. After you find it, try to give it a few moments to sink in. Absorb the information and take it in context. See it in perspective and imagine. And these are just trade balances. I don't know about you but I think I'll be calling up China or even Canada the next time I want to party or need a loan. I'm not surprised who's last and I'm not surprised who's first either. What does shock me however, is that Canada is in the top 20.
___________________________________________________
I selected 'The Cut Ups' as the most maddening of the bunch, a collaborative film work of William Burroughs and Anthony Balch, which brings to cinema an extension of Burroughs' literary cut-up technique. After the first few "Yes and Hellos" you can understand why I'd want my 3 minutes and 13 seconds back. At least I am not subjecting you to the full 20 minute film. Yes? Hello!
______________________________________________
Online therapy for the internet addicted hostile personality in you. Dr. Goode will not prescribe more happy pills and send you on your glassy eyed way, nope, she'll be brutally honest with you. Let the healing begin.
_________________________________________
Hey, I don't know about you but I like blowing my own horn on occasion. That is unless someone else is doing it for me. And I'll be damned if I can't blow my own horn anytime, anywhere I want. But especially if there is danger present. Maybe I'll blow it just a bit to see if anyone notices. Then blow some more just to make sure the horn still works. Maybe a third time to see if the fire brigade arrives. Why does this remind me of the fable 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf' all of a sudden?
_________________________________________
A Jacksonville, Oregon man was the victim of terrorism, or perhaps a personal
vendetta or maybe just a cruel prank when belongings were stolen from his property in such a way that he has little chance of getting much of it back.
Police say the belongings were removed a day after a pair of hoax ads appeared on Craigslist. The ads popped up Saturday afternoon, saying the owner of the Jacksonville home was forced to leave the area suddenly and his belongings, including a horse, were free for the taking.
_________________________________________
We have all heard the 'man bites dog' stories, but how about a real-life 'man marries dog' tale?! This one takes the biscuit, and it could only happen in India, the land of the Kama Sutra.
But you won't find this kind of love story between man and beast in the ancient Indian sex manual. It took place for real during a traditional hindu ceremony at a temple in the southern state of Tamil Nadu. The groom in question was a 33-year-old Indian farmer named Selvakumar, and he was wed to a female dog named Selvi.
He married his four legged bitch to atone for stoning two other dogs to death and stringing them up in a tree 15 years ago. He believed the act cursed him and he had been suffering ever since, he told the Hindustan Times. After he stoned the dogs he said his legs and hands got paralysed, he lost hearing in one ear, and his speech was impaired. With doctors unable to help him, Selvakumar turned to an astrologer who told him he was cursed by the spirits of the dogs he had killed.
He could undo the curse only if he married a dog and live with it, the soothsayer warned. Family members chose a stray female dog who was then bathed and clothed for the wedding occasion. Selvi the bride was brought to the temple by village women and a Hindu priest conducted the ceremony.
The paper showed a picture of Selvakumar sitting next to his canine bride, which was adorned in an orange sari and flower garland. The paper said the groom and his family then had a feast, while the dog got a bun.
It was reported that Selvi attempted to make a bolt for it -- apparently due to the big crowds -- but she was tracked down and returned to her new 'husband'. "The dog is only for lifting the curse and after that, he plans to get a real bride," a friend of the groom said.
Deeply superstitious people in rural India sometimes organize weddings to dogs and other animals, believing it can beat certain curses. Wow, talk about crime and punishment.
RIPdogs Prepare to Meet RIPlolcats
Andy Fanton's sensation, the RIPdogs have seen their day. Like any internet fad they had their five minutes of fame and people grew tired of them. The internet was quoted as saying,
R u guyz serisly JUS now finding out about LOLcats n RIPdogs?
rofl I don understand y everythin has 2 b spelled rong, itz rather annoying.
RIPdogs already a passed phase, so u can haves them now, if you’d like.
We don’t want them anymore! U loze at Internet. RIPlolcats haz win.
Love,
Internets
Did I read that correctly?! RIPlolcats haz win! Sorry Andy. Meet my newest creation the RIPlolcats.
One day soon we can bring back RIPdogs with the "moment before it happened" shots like this.
Don't get me started on the RIPloldogs or those damned LOLruses.
—tags: cat, comedy, dog, funny commentary, funny pictures, funny websites, furry critters, humor, jokes, satire, silly, spoofs, stupid
LOLcats Prepare to Meet RIPdogs
The LOLcats finally have met their match and subsequent doom!
If you are unfamiliar with LOLcats click the links and shown is an example
Lolcats Funny Pictures - I Can Has Cheezburger?
http://www.lolcats.com/
Apparently it doesn't stop with just cats. Trilobites, turtles, gators and other animals are all inclusive.
But no one until now has done this with dogs!
Andy Fanton, creator of the Gaup came along & has decided to end the illustrious career of the LOLcats! Meet the RIPdogs gaup: doing the dirty on the chests of the famous.
I created these RIPdogs for inclusion, now throw these hounds on the bandwagon.
RIPdogs will ultimately overtake the LOLcats and become the newest internet fad. RIPdogs forever!
Arthur C. Clarke dies at 90
Clarke, who had battled debilitating post-polio syndrome since the 1960s, died at 1:30 a.m. in his adopted home of Sri Lanka after suffering breathing problems.
A very sad day indeed for sci-fi geeks everywhere. Goodbye Art! I shall watch the movie '2001: a Space Odyssey' over and over while tripping acid. The beginning and the end will be different every time, and it's all Stanley Kubrick's fault for giving out hits at the premiere in 1968 making viewers addicted to mind altering substances and his extraordinary filmmaking. I was just a wee little hippie cave-dwelling freak then, barely a twinkle in a hallucinating prehistoric monkey's eye. Oh, our minds will never be the same!
For those of you who are unfamiliar with 2001, you can watch a few of clips from the greatest science fiction novel turned into a movie...EVER.
The Shorter Version: ADD Friendly
If you look hard enough at the end, you'll see Mr. Clarke
dancing inside the mysterious monolith from Jupiter.
The Movie Version: Ear Friendly
Have you ever taken a dump to this song? A dump has never been so epic let me tell you. Actually, anything you do to this song is epic. Try it... go ahead, anything... in slow motion of course.
Man, that version of the song really sucked. It's a good thing they changed it.
However, I believe this by far is the best 2001 soundtrack. I can't imagine why they didn't use this in the final edit. It's a keeper.
And I can't leave out a 2001 movie blooper!
All sound effects courtesy Stanley Kubrick.
Enjoy this descriptive animation of the movie and novel:
The Space Odyssey explained
http://www.kubrick2001.com/
—tags: commentary, funny video clips, furry critters, news, satire, silly, spoofs, sucks
The Darwin Awards
The Darwin Awards described as 'A Chronicle of Enterprising Demises Honoring those who improve the species...by accidentally removing themselves from it!' The 2007 Winners have been announced! Let's hope none mentioned are related to you. And if they are, my condolences. May they forever be remembered as being courageous, throwing caution to the wind whenever the mood struck them... silly, unconscious or dead.
More astoundingly stupid judgments abound with the nominees for 2008, here are their final moments recorded for historians to chuckle, snicker and chortle at.
Chemistry Went Over Her Head
2008 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(2 February 2008, Bulgaria) It was a cold but sunny February afternoon. Lidia, a biology teacher from Sofia, was driving home from a memorial service, accompanied by her husband and a friend. Suddenly, the vehicle stopped. Bystanders saw all three occupants dash from the car to a nearby manhole, and start pouring down liquids and powders from various bottles and jars.
Apparently, Lidia had been doing chemistry experiments in her free time, and had some noxious chemicals left over. It is still not entirely clear what the chemicals were, but two of the bottles had labels: diethyl ether and methanol, both highly flammable substances. The former is also used as a sedative, so one explanation for their actions is that they felt dizzy from the ether vapors, and thought it was a good idea to pour them in the sewer.As it turns out, a good idea it definitely was not. The cocktail of flammable substances in the enclosed space of the sewer caused an explosion so powerful that it launched the manhole cover into the air, decapitating the (briefly) surprised Lidia. Left without a head on her shoulders, she decided it was time to kick the bucket.
The other two people were not left unharmed, but were alive. They were taken to the hospital with burns on their faces. After several hours in the operating room, it appeared unlikely that they will regain their eyesight, but hopefully are able to speak well enough to tell their children that tossing random chemicals down the drain is not as wise as it might at first appear.
Wascally Wabbit
2008 Darwin Award Nominee
Unconfirmed by Darwin
Snowmobiles and alcohol are a dangerous mix. Then came the rabbit.
After a day spent partying and racing snowmobiles in the wilderness, a group of snowmobilers headed back to their cabin. Up popped a jackrabbit! The snowmobilers gave chase. Several collisions were narrowly averted, and all snowmobiles backed off... except one.
This snowmobiler kept his eye on the quarry and rapidly closed in. The rabbit darted aside to save itself. The snowmobiler closed in again. The rabbit ran toward the road, where there was less snow. Trying to ram his rabbit before it crossed the road, the man accelerated to Mach 1. But the rabbit had other ideas. It escaped into the culvert beneath the road.
Witnesses stated that the snowmobiler never braked. There was a metallic crunch as the accelerating vehicle rammed into the culvert, followed by a blast that shattered the snowmobile into a thousand bits.
This brand of snowmobile had a fuel tank mounted in front. The culvert admitted the tip of the snowmobile, then cut into the cowling, spilling fuel over the hot engine. The body of the snowmobiler was blown twenty feet back into the field.
The rabbit's whereabouts was unknown.
Moderator Bruce speculates, "Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd?"
Alternate title: "Hare Today, Gone Tomorrow"
Pulling a Boner
2008 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(2 February 2008, New York) A 50-year-old man was bird hunting in Upstate New York with his buddies and his faithful canine companion. They stopped for a smoke, and he noticed that his dog had found a bone. It was a deer leg! The man tried to take the bone away from the dog. Like any right thinking dog, the animal would not relinquish its treasure, and stayed just out of reach.
Frustrated with this blatant show of disobedience, the man grabbed his loaded shotgun by the muzzle and began wielding it like a club. Each time he swung it, the dog dodged. Suddenly the "club" struck the ground and fired, shooting the man in the abdomen. His friends called 911 and he was airlifted to a nearby hospital, where he died from his injuries.
He did remain conscious long enough to confirm this account to police; otherwise, his poor friends might now be under suspicion of murder.
At least he didn't hit the dog!
Pierced!
2008 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin(January 2008, Pennsylvania) A 23 year old man with various body piercings decided to see what it would feel like to connect his workplace test equipment to his chest piercings. Several co-workers tried to convince him that it was a bad idea to connect himself to the electronic control tester. He ignored their pleas and proceeded to connect two alligator clips to his piercings. He hit the test button...
When the police and rescue personnel arrived, his co-workers were still trying to revive him with CPR and rescue breathing. They were not successful.
Talk about shock and awe.
And a few more honorable mentions that have made the nominee list so far.
Flaming Shot (near miss)
Some friends and I were having drinks at a party. After consuming many cocktails, we had a 'BRILLIANT' idea to pour a shot of 'GRAIN ALCOHOL' and set it on 'FIRE' and drink it. I believe the ultimate goal was to impress the ladies present...
Pining Away (Unconfirmed)
Three young men had finished their basic training and decided to spend their few days of leave with one's grandmother, before heading out to their respective assignments. Grandmother had a swing job to make ends meet, so the privates were left alone late into the night...
Into the Abyss (Unconfirmed)
An enterprising lumberman jacked up the rear end of his pickup, attached one end of a rope to the tire rim, and the other end of the rope to a large felled tree. He put the pickup into gear, apparently expecting the rim to act as a makeshift rope crank that would pull the tree up the steep embankment...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
