Summer is almost here! Oh what fun it is. Beach parties, cookouts, days out at the local swimming pool unless you are one of the lucky ones to have your own backyard pool. But fun in the sun is just not all it's cracked up to be. Here's a quick list of things that you can catch at a public swimming pool or even the private backyard variety that you share with friends and family this summer. So beware, a sunburn could be the least of your worries.
#1 - DIARRHEA
If you swallow pool water that is contaminated with traces of human waste, like if some kids butt wasn't totally wiped clean, the hearty bacteria floating around can be resistant to the chlorine in the pool water and be absorbed by your digestive tract giving you the runs. Oh joy! So don't swallow pool water. And if you do you take the risk of getting the hershey squirts. And please don't go swimming if you do.
#2 - RINGWORM 
Hi! My name is Ringy the Ringworm. If you don't shower and keep yourself clean, I'll surely come and visit you. I may even bring along a few friends, like Jacque Itcherts and Al Thleetsfeet. This fungal infection can create a reddish, ring-shaped rash that is often itchy but sometimes not. You can get it anywhere on your body including your toenails and if that happens they turn thick and yellowish then start to peel. So wear flip-flops in those damp locker rooms. And if you do get it, wrestlers who get it the most often having close contact with each other recommend treating it with Lamisil or Lotrimin, or both, and just for giggles put a lit blow torch over the infected area for safe measure.
#3 - WARTS 
Warts are caused by a virus that is pretty common, starting out as small bumps that have a texture like cauliflower on your hands or feet. They can last a few years and might go away on their own, or take control of your entire body and mind. Again, wear your damn flip-flops in public areas that are damp and musty. Restrooms, locker rooms, your aunts kitchen. And for pete's sake don't share towels. If you get a wart you can buy medication to freeze them off or have a doctor do it.
#4 - SWIMMER'S EAR 
Aww, look at the kids having fun playing in the pool. Don't they look like they're having fun? Well, they aren't afterwards! Swimmer's Ear is not a new swimming stroke or technique like the backstroke. When that pool water gets trapped inside your ear, germs that live in the water can cause an ear infection. Your ear may itch, become red and inflamed and/or drain pus. I was lucky enough to experience this once when I was a kid, only I had an inflamed ear canal, a raging headache, a sinus infection, I was dizzy and nauseous and to make it even more exciting it sounded like everyone who was talking to me was under water. That was fun. A week of this along with daily doses of Swim-Ear drops in my ear was that much more fun, I can't begin to tell you how exciting the experience was. Want to avoid it? Don't swim. Or at least don't put your head under water. And if you do make sure you shake the water out of your ears and dry them thoroughly with a towel. If that doesn't work try a q-tip or zap them for a few seconds with a hair dryer. Or don't and suffer the consequences.
#5 - MOLLUSCUM 
This viral skin infection results in small white or flesh-colored bumps. Showing up anywhere on the body as single dots or in clusters. Usually painless you can get it from sharing towels or pool toys like floats. It could take years for them to disappear on their own so talk to a doctor about having them removed. Unless you want to look like a cucumber or have random people come up to you and connect the dots with sharpie pens.
And finally: #6 - MEN IN SPEEDOS
Well what can I say? Any man in a bikini is just disgusting.
Good gawd, it look like he has a load in his... diaper. As if gratuitous plumber-crack wasn't enough do you think his butt wasn't totally wiped clean? No, don't think about that. It's the beach anyway, we all know that ocean water is polluted. Sorry. Besides that might be me or even you in so many years. So be careful what you make fun of.
