The Halloween Countdown continues! Few movies are so horrible that you would rather rub icy hot on your genitals than watch a movie like this. TWICE.
Movies like Braindead are exactly that. It's badly edited, shot and acted, the score sucks, the humor is tacky. For a horror spoof, it fails. In a nutshell, it seems like I wrote it.
But no, I didn't. Relieved? This gem was courtesy of Peter Jackson, before he did Lord of the Rings. Yep. Just proves you have to make a few turds before you make a highly polished...turd.
What's this movie about, you ask?
It's about a wimpy guy, Lionel, and his overbearing mother. Lionel finally gets the balls to go out on a date, but his momma can't help but escort the two to the zoo.
Lionel's mom gets bitten at the zoo by a Sumatran rat-monkey and then she turns into a zombie and then turns other sniveling shit puppets into zombies. Bloody gore-fest ensues ending with the loss of life (undead) and limb by lawnmower. It's quite original.
With taglines like:
Some things won't stay down... even after they die.
There's something nasty in Lionel's cellar - His family!
You'll laugh yourself sick!
Prepare for complete mental shutdown...
They weren't kidding.
One of few redeeming moments in this glass bottom boat is the baby scene
I have to confess, that was pretty funny. The only thing that could have made the scenes where Lionel is giving the zombie baby a proper beating MORE shocking, was if the zombie baby "suicide bombed" a daycare center...hypothetically speaking of course.
If you want your Halloween to be Happy, don't rent this, unless TORTURE (such as waterboarding) is your thing.
I give this heap two thumbs down and a middle finger up.
I’ve read Bram Stoker's Dracula before, but it has been probably ten or fifteen years so I don’t remember it in it's entirety.
I do remember my reaction was like "HELL TO THE YEAH!" NOT disappointed due to the fact he’s not quite the sophisticated pop culture pansy-ass Dracula we all know and love so much. He was more of a real monster. That's what a vampire should be.
But now, post-Twilight, I’m EVEN more on board with the monster thing. I like my vampires to be more menacing, less sparkly...certainly less like a wussy than Warhol's Dracula AND just as gory.
I am referring to Blood For Dracula, 94 minutes of pure shit. But it's the best campy art film pile of shit you'll ever feast your eyes upon. I can only assume that Warhol meant for it to be a cheesy satire splattered with buckets of blood. That's why I have a love-hate relationship with this movie.
What footage doesn't bore you to death, kills you with laughter. The first hour which doesn't seem shocking at first, finally comes through and could stimulate the autonomic nervous system of even the most catatonic of vegetables. The last half-hour or so of this film surely would have euthanizedTerri Schiavo and made Charles Manson shit his pants.
Now, despite everything I've said, one thing's for sure, Blood For Dracula is still a pretty interesting film, just on the principles that it is so different then what you would expect from a typical Dracula movie.
Gone is the suave vampire that seduces his prey. Here we have a very sickly vampire who relies on his servant for survival; he whines a lot; can only drink the blood of virgins lest he become violently ill, which he does quite often...it appears that virgins are not that easy to come by.
Well no shit, Dumb-ula! Not only does virgin blood taste better, but it contains all the healthy vitamins and nutrients a thirsty vampire needs...but virgins are scarce these days, thank GAWD. Sluts are/should be just as nutritious as their puritan opposites.
The one thing that saves this film from me giving it a total S&P Steamer rating is the gore. Vomiting blood, mutilation, severing of limbs, and graphic sex scenes all gave the original uncut film an X-rating in 1974.
As stiff as the acting is at times, Udo Kier does a great job in this role. He's believable as a pathetic blood-sucking creature of the night.
Kier vaguely reminds you of Frankenstein's Igor, but he's a blood-soaked bat fuck insane Igor that makes Edward Cullen look like a choir boy dressed up like Little Boy Blue, and makes Nosferatu look like Colonel Klink wearing rubber Spock ears and candy corn fangs.
Kier generally plays a hard-ass in most of his roles and he could have certainly pulled that off in this flick, but he's so much better like this:
Since his arrest on September 26, in Switzerland on his way to pick up a lifetime achievement "Golden Icon Award" from the Zurich Film Festival, Roman Polanski's fate now hangs in the balance.
These days good and sensible doesn’t sell. Especially when you've eluded a 31-year-old fugitive warrant by skipping bail, fleeing the country, after pleading guilty and being convicted of getting a 13-year-old girl naked in a hot tub, plying her with champagne and quaaludes and forcing sex on her.
Never mind that Polanski's unquestionably talented. He's committed the crime, now he's gotta do the time. A slew of notable jailbait-chasing creeps are showing their support for Mr. Polanski.
Woody Allen, another brilliant comedian and filmmaker, offered his unlikely support. Pleading for Roman's release, Allen himself guilty of having younghot lusty fantasies, marrying the adopted daughter of his longtime love interest, would be the last person you would want to come forward if you were caught kiddie fiddling.
Allen shows how he won over Soon Yi
Allen quoted as saying, "How can anyone be utterly skeezed out by a middle-aged man jumping into the sack with jailbait? It's perfectly natural for a guy to be with a girl wherein he's older than her father...even if he's..practically her father."
Paul Francis Gadd, a.k.a. glam-rocker Gary Glitter, longest chart runs of any solo singer in the UK during the 70s couldn't help himself but show his support for Polanski. Gary said, "Age ain't nothin' but a number. AND that 10-year-old hasmy number. Does that make anybody uncomfortable?"
Gary Glitter seductively asks: Do You Wanna Touch Me?
R. Kelly, trapped in a closet full of 14-year-olds says he's all for freeing Roman...the pizza delivery boy, after he's done pissing on him.
R. Kelly's gonna piss on j00
Travis Bickle, vigilantism motivated by sexual jealousy as it is by any kind of desire for justice.
You talkin' to me?
Who needs unrequited, consensual pedophilia if you have no problems with the violence typically portrayed in most movies? But complaining about the violence just makes you feel like a square.
But where do you draw the line between impropriety and turning predatorial relationships into heroism? Only in your wet dreams, Mary Kay Letourneau.
'Hot for Teacher' night is not creepy, because it's okay to rape little boys when you're a hot 34-year-old female teacher.
Herbert the Pervert, is one sketchy character. Perverts (in contrast to hot female teachers) are usually characterized by thin mustaches, clammy hands, and the ownership of a van turned into an ice cream business on wheels.
But not this seemingly harmless old man. He lures the newspaper boy in with promise of icy treats in his basement.
I got a whole freezer full of popsicles down in the cellar.
This dirty-year-old creepy and/or awkwardly disturbing menace to society, is always scissoring little boys with his eyes. An honorary member of NAMBLA, his art of bumblefucking is very unique. Herbert "the Pervert" is a bumblefucking sensei, and the origins and ways of bumblefucking are only known to him.
One thing is for sure, real friends are in short supply these days. But with friends like these, who needs enemies. Who needs decency or justice? Because we might possibly live in a world where fame trumps decency and justice.
“If I had killed somebody, it wouldn’t have had so much appeal to the press, you see? But… fucking, you see, and the young girls. Judges want to fuck young girls. Juries want to fuck young girls. Everyone wants to fuck young girls!”
If it were up to me, anyone who harms a child sexually would spend eternity in hell giving rim jobs to Hitler and obese people with bacillary dysentery.
Losing your dignity is probably one of the worst things a human being can endure, just ask any victim of rape. Polanski will probably be forced to join the ranks of national registered sex offenders and I think he should make a biopic based around his experiences leading up to that...not like Wanted and Desired or Manhattan.
Comparing apples to oranges, most actors and artists toil forever in obscurity, never getting recognition for the roles they portray or works of art they create.
But if you hone your craft and work diligently, you might find yourself in the role of a lifetime instead of making an unnoticed dramatic exit stage left. Because in a land of predators, the lion never fears the jackal....or the pedobear.
Emma Watson runs away from Pedobear Polanski at Brown University's campus. Welcome to Rhode Island, Emma!
"I Saw Her Again Last Night," the famous song by the Mamas and the Papas. Bet you didn't know the real meaning behind it...did ya? And you thought news of the weird couldn't get any MORE weird.
note: No animals, persons, or piles of vomit were harmed in the making of this article and video. However as always - Viewer Discretion is Advised.
Yes, dear readers Mackenzie Phillips recently admitted to being raped and then engaging in an incestuous relationship with her father, Mamas and the Papas founder, John Phillips, for TEN years...starting at the age of 19.
If you're unfamiliar with Mackenzie Phillips, she co-starred on the television show One Day At A Time alongside Valerie Bertinelli.
Mackenzie revealed the bombshell on what else, but The Oprah Winfrey Show (the place to make such revelations naturally,) the news coincides with the release of her book, High On Arrival.
So the question remains, is it true, or is it some kind of marketing stunt?
Or is she mistaken...and it's some kind of marketing stunt?
Either way, there appears to be some skeletons in her closet. And it's a brilliant marketing stunt. If her statement and recollection of the event(s) are true, I find it to be the most disgusting and horrible thing I've ever heard...other than hearing that there was a heartfelt tribute to Dirty Dancing on Dancing With The Stars last Wednesday.
Your place or mine? Shame on John Phillips. Raping your own daughter? When she's passed out?
That's only something I would have expected creepy pedophile apartment maintenance guy, Schneider, to be capable of doing..after getting both girls drunk and slipping them GHB.
In High On Arrival, Mackenzie discloses that her dad John Phillips drugged and raped her on the eve of her wedding to Jeff Sessler. At the time, Sessler was a member of the Rolling Stones’ entourage. John Phillips passed away in 2001.
Mackenzie said John and herself were pumped full of drugs when she woke up to realize her father was pumping her. And if THAT isn't BAD ENOUGH, according to Mackenzie..she became a willing partner in the incestuous relationship much later.
Um...EW? HORRIFYING!
Additionally, Mackenzie Phillips has had a long history with drug abuse.
Papa Phillips shot the girl up for her first time. And she states she first tried cocaine when she was 11.
Another creepy old pervert, Mick Jagger, once had a close encounter with Phillips when she was 18. Jagger went into her room and locked the door. Jagger told her he had been waiting for that moment since she was 10 years old!
Mick stripped off his skin tight cat suit, bent over, and with lips so big he can play a tuba..from either end..demanded she snort cocaine off his taint, and mount him just like David Bowie did back in the day.
It's all true.
Also, this bombshell comes after Phillips was charged with two felonies last year on August 27, 2008 stemming from her arrest at LAX while on her way to a sitcom reunion in New York. Several baggies of cocaine and heroin fell out of her pants while going through airport security.
She was charged with one count of felony possession of cocaine and another for possession of heroin. The DA tacked on a misdemeanor charge of unauthorized possession of a hypodermic needle or syringe...just for kicks. I hope she has fully kicked the habit and gets some much needed therapy.
Upon hearing about her frightfully sick relationship with her father, this was my reaction...
If I may be candid, after hearing about this twisted story...even after seeing The Exorcist as a kid and being scared shitless with all the gross vomit scenes in that flick...I don't like bringing this up...but, I now suffer from emetophobia.
Yes, an EMT with emetophobia (notscatophobia, or even worse, hemophobia...but emetophobia..and now I'm also experiencing bouts of Phillipsophobia - the abnormal and/or irrational fear of hearing about incestuous relationships within the Phillips and other celebrity families.)
It's going to take years of therapy for me to get over this. I think I'm gonna sue.
Wanna know why I have emetophobia? What's soft and warm when you go to bed but hard and stiff when you get up? VOMIT.
What in the heck is Krapsody? Humor, comedy, satire, a medley of militant irony. Not Safe For Anyone, Anywhere at Anytime (NSFAAA). These are my scrawlings about anything I find funny, weird, or want to rant about. Add a dash of sarcasm, spoofs, parodies, some slapstick, some plebian rigmarole, and that gas producing potpourri makes this the place to find out of the ordinary humor. It's All Krap, All The Time. Hey, I didn't say it was EXTRAORDINARY humor, now did I? Suffer Pope!
