Gov. Eliot Spitzer Tells All

Federal agents have determined New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer used a high-priced call-girl ring at least eight times in recent months, agents had him under surveillance twice this year which led up to his getting caught. This lurid sex scandal ends the brash, ambitious career of New York's governor. On March 12, 2008 the disgraced politician stepped down, saying, "I did not live up to what was expected of me", and he cannot allow his "private failings to disrupt the public's work." His resignation as governor of New York is effective on March 17.

But the clues to his demise go years back. Gov. Spitzer gave an exclusive interview with Krapsody reporter Dubious Monk giving you an inside look into this recent scandal.


Dubious Monk: If you haven't heard by now, Eliot Spitzer the Governor of New York was caught with his tailored trousers down in a little prostitution probe. Although whom was probing whom and with what is still not clear. Once describing himself as a political "steamroller." In the end this proud politician appears to have only crushed himself. Thank you for joining us today Gov. Spitzer!

Gov. Spitzer: Thank you, Dubious.

Dubious Monk: The people of New York and the entire country would like to know why you spent taxpayers money on high-priced call-girls and not $5.00 prostitutes like every other politician? Can you shed any light on why you would do such a thing and where your morals were at the time when you thought you could get away with such inconceivable actions?

Gov. Spitzer: Everyone should know by now that in order to succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles, by throwing them out the window. Frankly, I just wanted to relieve my "blue balls". Can you blame a guy? Just because I held a public office and declared I was against common citizens and other officials engaging in illicit sex with street walkers, old ladies, gay boys, or call-girls at these sex clubs doesn't mean I don't like doing that too. I got bored with internet porn and with common prostitutes, they're used goods man. Hookers hardly bathe between johns, they carry diseases and their crack habits were too much for me to bear. You have to pay for the good stuff. Since I was caught shagging it, I had to step down from my public office for partaking in an indecent act at the people's expense.

Dubious Monk: Well in fact sir, there were eight occasions that we know of where you visited the premises of these call-girls called the Emperors Club VIP.

Gov. Spitzer: Whatev. (shrugs)

Dubious Monk: And did you have to step down from your office necessarily? You talk as if there is more to the story.

Gov. Spitzer: It seemed like the best thing to do before people starting digging and snooping into my affairs more. They would have found out I liked not only high-priced call-girls, but TS, TV, and bukkake barnyard animal action too, an act I like to refer to as 'Schpitzing'. And by golly I like my spankings and getting my weiner slapped at least once a day. God Bless America.

Dubious Monk: Can you say that since you were once considered a ferocious governor who broke up several of these very same sex rings you visited, that you can still avoid possible legal repercussions and potential disbarment after a sex scandal such as this?

Gov. Spitzer: Sure, why not? Look at Pres. Bill Clinton, Dubious. He bonked more than just Monica Lewinski in the oval office I'm sure. The only difference is I chose not to lie about it and immediately stepped down from my office. I admit I visited the massage parlors, the street corner floozies and call-girls every chance I got, including on my lunch hour during the week, also after the work day was over, and on weekends when my wife thought I was golfing. I've been doing it for years! I'm a sex addict ferchrissakes. No one needs to know that. Edit that please. Besides I can just use more taxpayer money to hire the best legal defense in the country that money could buy. Edit that also.

Dubious Monk: Really now. You mock the american people, hard working honest citizens Gov. Spitzer. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Gov. Spitzer: I'm fapping it right now Dubious.

Dubious Monk: You disgust me sir.

Gov. Spitzer: That's what they all say.

Dubious Monk: You heard it here folks. Gov. Eliot Spitzer, not just a pervert, but an asshole.

Also read :

Top 10 Signs Your Husband Is Part of a High-class Prostitution Ring

The Onion: US Schools Trail World In Child Soldier Aptitude

A shocking new study finds U.S. children lag far behind their international peers in subjects like rifle assembly and mine defusing.

Ask Static

I recently sifted through my email and amongst the thousands of spams I receive, I occasionally get the love and hate mail. Usually with subject lines such as, "Hey Static, I love you! Will you be the father of my children?" or "Hey Static, you are an irredeemably licentious cock-faced parasite and a belligerent, web-polluting tainted spawn of a syphilitic swamp hog!"

These are always wonderful inclusions and quite refreshing next to such headings as "Same meds but much cheaper", "REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE", "Make $225,000 And More Every Day!", "do you want a bigger p3n1s?" Occasionally I just get asked a variety of questions. Albeit odd questions at times. So in response to this cry for help I've decided to start my own advice column: Ask Static! Eat your heart out Ann Landers.

Predictions for 2008

Wonder what predicaments, I mean, predictions might be in the works for the year to come? Well, so do I. Here's a few to mull over.
I wanted to know what my situation at work would be this year. What better place to do that than JobPredictor.com - job agencies with a personal touch. Here's what I got.

Hey thanks for your query, I have checked out everything about you and I predict that your ideal job Static is a Village Idiot. Good luck in your new career.

Yeah, thanks. Until there is a presidential opening that job is taken. Either way I guess not much is going to change in my case then?

Look at them, Smithers. Goldbrickers.. Layabouts.. Slug-a-beds! Little do they realise their days of suckling at my teat are numbered! - Monty Burns

Where did you receive your training?' 'Yale.' 'Good, and what's your name?' 'Yim Yohnson.' - Anonymous

Since my dreams of becoming a weatherman have been crushed, I can no longer deliver predictions like -

And your future forecast says:
Chance of snow at night... a chance of morning hailstorms. Either way, it's a global warming trend you're still going to fry. 20 years from now when there's another ice age, you'll be crying it's too cold. Today's high 105F (94C). Today's low -5F (-20C). Winds out of the Northeast, South and Eastern Westerly direction at 155 to 265 mph.

Thought for today:
I'm not a real meteorologist, I just play one on the web.

Or you can just absorb these predictions instead.

In case you were planning on skipping most of 2008 in a drug-induced coma, I have taken the liberty of making some stellar predictions about the new year, designed as a sort of "Sparks Notes" for a 365 day boredom-fest. I'm pretty sure most of these predictions will come true, but if they don't you can't be all pissy about it.

January

- After a slew of pregnant celebrities finally unload their cargo, celebrity baby photos will replace the dollar in American currency. Canadians, eager to cash in on the new economic trends of their big brother to the South, will attempt to force their celebs to get pregnant and spit out kids. Sometime in March, they'll realize that Canada has precisely zero female celebrities, and will instead decide to print Looney Toons characters on the Canadian Loonies, in a cruel, sad, and decidedly unfunny development.

- After his playoff loss to the New York Giants, Cowboys' receiver Terrell Owens opens up a popcorn franchise entitled "T.O.P. C.O.R.N.", an acronym for "Terrell Owens' Pop Corn is Outstanding and Really Nice." His sales are abysmal.

February

- Valentines Day is renamed Buy Shit for Women Day.

- A contingency on Capitol Hill led by Senator Barack Obama proposes legislation to extend February 3 days into March in order to properly celebrate Black History Month. The bill does not pass, and Obama is subtly reminded by Congress that he really isn't "that black."

March

-On the heels of his Super Bowl win, New England Patriots' Quarterback Tom Brady proposes to his supermodel girlfriend Gisele Bundchen. Gisele happily accepts, releasing a statement that she was "relieved to be rid of the name 'Bundchen'," and "eager to get to know Randy Moss."

- Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich abruptly decides to drop out of the race for the White House. In a brief press conference, he shouts "Can't catch me lucky charms!" and flies away in a marshmallow hot air balloon.

April

- On April first, Paris Hilton declares to her fans that she has been tested and is STD free. She doesn't get the joke, but her doctor does, and so does the rest of the world.

-The Smashing Pumpkins release another album on the heels of Zeitgeist, their "pay-whatever-you-want" internet smash of 2007. This time, however, the band decides not to put the CD online. Instead Billy Corgan personally hides 500,000 copies of the album around the world, creating a scavenger hunt for the ages.

May

-Osama bin Laden is finally captured by United States forces stationed in Afghanistan. Amazingly, terrorist attacks continue to occur. Intelligent people around the world are not particularly surprised.

-The American Idol competition is abruptly put on hold while bureaucrats nationwide attempt to gather enough food to satiate last year's fourth place finisher Lakisha Jones, who has ballooned to 500 lbs. and taken over a small colony in Southern Massachusetts.

June

- Art Van Furniture has a really awesome clearance sale!

- The Boston Celtics capture the NBA Championship, leading to the drunken destruction of over 30% of the East coast. President Bush declares a state of emergency, but calls off the national guard two weeks later when he gets a sweet "Bush #1" Celtics uniform.

July

- A heat wave cripples the nation and drought wrecks most of the Southern United States. Most people decide to "check that global warming thing out one more time."

- Britney Spears dies at the age of 26, from an apparent drug overdose and Taco Bell binge. In an ironic twist, her 8-months pregnant sister Jamie Lynn decides not to wear panties to Britney's funeral. All of American witnesses the televised fall of its own standards and decency.

August

- Martha Stewart returns to jail on her own free will after drinking a little too much White Zinfandel and heading out to a party in a striped blouse and a polka dotted skirt. At least she matches in that orange jumpsuit.

- McDonalds unveils its new "Fit for Fat" clothing line designed for obese Americans who had one cheeseburger too many. Top sellers include the XXXL Double Cheese Pleated Pants and the McNightgown.

September

- 6 students from California Poly Technical Institute get laid after swooning a group of ladies in a heated session of World of Warcraft. They never log out again.

-Columbia University releases a study stating that hammerhead sharks can actually respond to a series of flashing lights and repeat up to ten of them in a given sequence. Instead of wondering why the hell their tax money is being spent on retarded experiments, Americans determine that sharks would make good "Simon" partners.


October

-Dave Chapelle is found in Nairobi. Coked out of his mind, Chapelle was trying to create an episode for his old show out of sticks, dirt, and a 4 lb. pile of his own feces. Everyone agrees to just let him be.

- Saw V is released, just in time for no one to give a shit. In other Halloween news, trick-or-treaters nationwide cause the deaths of 492 senior citizens who apparently thought travel-sized toothpaste tubes and pennies were better than candy.


November

- Hillary Clinton is elected as the next president of the United States, proving that 58% of Americans are dumb enough to think that if your spouse can do something well, so can you.

-Celebrity crackhead extraordinaire Amy Winehouse finally unwraps her beehive hairdo, prompting the discovery of three missing children, a koala, the pick of destiny and $1.65.

December

- For the first two weeks of December, the entire Midwest is deafened by the gloating of the rednecks who left their Christmas decorations up from last year.

- Santa Claus' reindeer are seized by PETA representatives, assuredly preventing the jolly old elf from delivering presents on Christmas Eve. But being a quick thinker, Claus instead ties the PETA people to his reigns. The presents take 253 days to deliver, but everyone gets a big kick out of it.

By The Gerk @ arabianmonkey.com

Looks Like the Joke is on Someone Else

LiveJournal user hydrogen_crane posted a recent entry on their blog, thinking my post about a satirical Daily Squib article KKK endorses Obama was actually true.

Click to enlarge


Quickpost this image to Myspace, Digg, Facebook, and others!

I hate to disappoint anyone. I didn't even write it and I posted a link to the article at the Daily Squib along with a bold print disclaimer stating: "Note:The Daily Squib is a satirical publication and should therefore not be taken too fu**ing seriously."

It just goes to show you just can't believe everything you see and hear, now can you? This is a prime example of people being incapable of understanding satire. Looks like the joke is on someone else for a change. I liked the reference to Dungeons & Dragons in his post.

If hydrogen_crane happens to be reading this then I do apologize. Stop watching CNN right now. Here's a factual story for you to follow up with on your journal. Happy reporting!

Bush Reveals Tap Water as Prescription Drug Plan

On a day when millions Americans were reeling from the news that there were trace amounts of prescription drugs in their drinking water, President George W. Bush made a stunning announcement at the White House.

“I am responsible for this,” Mr. Bush told reporters. “This is my idea of a prescription drug plan.”

Standing before a banner reading “Prescription Accomplished,” the president said that he hoped providing Americans with free medications via their tap water would prove to be “the finest legacy” of his Administration.



Mr. Bush indicated that America’s drug-laced waters could boost tourism in the U.S., adding that English rocker Pete Doherty was “getting on the next plane over here.”

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