Institutions of Jocularity Part III: Funny Tax Laws
"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
- the IRS man
After my post about the Internal Revenue Service last year, I just can't help but find more fodder for amusement whenever I deal with them. This installation of Institutions of Jocularity addresses tax laws that make you go, "hunh?"
As I was doing my taxes this year I looked up some information to see what kinds of income is considered taxable. Well, guess what? Surprises, surprises. Never a dull moment.
As a recipient of student loans and grants last year, I wanted to double check what the guidelines were for 2008 in receiving those payments, and if any of it was considered taxable. Some of it can be considered taxable, but only if it goes over a certain amount above tuition costs.
In my research, I also found some other interesting information about miscellaneous income. Just what is considered taxable income according to the U.S. Internal Revenue Service? Some of these are quite funny.
Bribes. If you receive a bribe, include it in your income.
Car pools. Do not include in your income amounts you receive from the passengers for driving a car in a car pool to and from work. These amounts are considered reimbursement for your expenses. However, this rule does not apply if you have developed car pool arrangements into a profit-making business of transporting workers for hire.
Emotional distress. Emotional distress itself is not a physical injury or physical sickness, but damages you receive for emotional distress due to a physical injury or sickness are treated as received for the physical injury or sickness. Do not include them in your income.
If the emotional distress is due to a personal injury that is not due to a physical injury or sickness (for example, unlawful discrimination or injury to reputation), you must include the damages in your income, except for any damages you receive for medical care due to that emotional distress. Emotional distress includes physical symptoms that result from emotional distress, such as headaches, insomnia, and stomach disorders.
Found property. If you find and keep property that does not belong to you that has been lost or abandoned (treasure-trove), it is taxable to you at its fair market value in the first year it is your undisputed possession.
Illegal activities. Income from illegal activities, such as money from dealing illegal drugs, must be included in your income on Form 1040, line 21, or on Schedule C or Schedule C-EZ (Form 1040) if from your self-employment activity.
Kickbacks. You must include kickbacks, side commissions, push money, or similar payments you receive in your income on Form 1040, line 21, or on Schedule C or Schedule C-EZ (Form 1040) if from your self-employment activity.
Example.
You sell cars and help arrange car insurance for buyers. Insurance brokers pay back part of their commissions to you for referring customers to them. You must include the kickbacks in your income.
Stolen property. If you steal property, you must report its fair market value in your income in the year you steal it unless in the same year, you return it to its rightful owner.
Pretty disconcerting, hunh? You think anybody that crooked (or lucky in some instances) would actually be stupid enough to report any of those earnings listed above?
To add insult to injury, millions of Americans enjoying their small windfall from President Barack Obama's "Making Work Pay" tax credit are in for an unpleasant surprise, not only this spring, but next year too. The government is going to want some of that money back.
The tax credit is supposed to provide up to $400 to individuals and $800 to married couples as part of the massive economic recovery package enacted back in February. Most workers started receiving the credit through small increases in their paychecks in recent months.
But new tax withholding tables issued by the IRS could cause millions of taxpayers to get hundreds of dollars more than they are entitled to under the credit, money that has to be repaid at tax time.
At-risk taxpayers include a broad swath of the public: married couples in which both spouses work; workers with more than one job; retirees who have federal income taxes withheld from their pension payments; Social Security recipients; jackolopes and other small furry woodland creatures with jobs that provide taxable income; and even people without jobs including the homeless, and those whose income is only peanuts and pocket lint.
The Internal Revenue Service acknowledges problems with the withholding tables but has done little to warn average taxpayers. Wow, what a novel idea..advance warning or notice..providing problem-free withholding tables?
These were probably the same math geniuses that AIG and Bank of America hired. Sometimes 2 + 2 doesn't equal 4, I guess in this case it equals -786,999,999,996...
that's 786 billion, 999 million, 999 thousand, 996 dollars - and 4 more dollars would equal the president's economic stimulus plan.
Actually, the monies are being paid under a new program known as GIT-MO-TO-VO-EX-FU-LA (an acronym for:)
GIT the MOney TO the VOters, EXplain the Fuck Up (self explanatory) LAter.
Hey, it takes the IRS to screw up the tax tables, and more than one president to screw up the economy. I don't think any of that was in the plan. Shit happens, constantly. If there's one constant in the universe it's not how much idiots suck, it's that shit happens.
But I guess everyone is entitled to a 'mulligan' once in a while.
Did ya file your taxes and get a nasty surprise? Luckily, I didn't notice much of a tax credit this year, but I'll be keeping a close eye on my paychecks so I don't end up owing these assholes more money. And if I do, I'll be taking advantage of my mulligan card.
This tax table fiasco must be part of a vast political conspiracy...perhaps an attack from left-wing right-wing chicken-wing representatives and their ass-kissing pundits? Depends on who you ask, but my money is on impartial, unaffiliated, unbiased incompetence, otherwise known as the Pass The Buck Party which states one mission > To blame somebody, anybody other than the people who are actually responsible.
And if you did get screwed by this already, well bend over, there's more of that where it came from..courtesy of Washington. And remember, votes do count. Until next time!
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Listening to:
"Taxman" - The Beatles
"Money" - Pink Floyd
"I'm Gonna Force Feed that IRS Man My Tax Money in Pennies, Bitch" - Static
The IRS is on Crack
It's tax season, everyone's favorite time of year! Income taxes must be filed by the 17th of April this year here in the United States. And I still owe some back taxes from an audit on self-employment income I had a few years back that I've been paying off.
It's not a lot of money that I owe and I have done my best to make it right, calling them when I'm unsure of my balance, etc. but the IRS has been less than diligent in helping me keep track of or making it easy to keep on top of my account (ie. in phone calls they rarely ever give me the correct balance or information, they give erroneous advice, they never send me statements or update account information consistently, which should be every time I call or in monthly mailed statements with an envelope and invoice provided to send the next payment).
So here was my 50 minutes of misery, debauchery, and glee with the Internal Revenue Service by phone recently, which included only a few minutes of brief conversation that possibly ruined someone else's day... for a change.
The first 47 minutes of the call are a barrage of pre-recorded phone system wisdoms by an annoying female voice stating, "Please hang on, your call is very important to us. If you hang up now you only increase your wait time. Thank you for you patience."
Of course in between the obvious 'tardisms meant to pacify the insidiously ignorant, to the down right stupid folk who probably can't even figure out how a phone works are easy to shirk off, but when combined with 'the Nutcracker' theme song (which is a very pronounced and dynamic classical piece, violins, piccolos & nose flute cacophony which isn't even fit for elevators, a night at the theater or during the holidays) AND it's bellowing at ear bleeding volumes, no.
I swear I turned down the volume on the phone three separate times to avoid my ear drum blowing out the other side of my head! It's just a little annoying after 47 minutes.
Now I half expected some weak voice to answer the phone at any moment to which I wouldn't hear because I was deafened by a numb-Nutcracker-noisefest, to which I would immediately be hung up on because I was too dulled by the offensive swill they call muzak to respond to the representative in time, just to start all over again.
But noooo, just more of the same, "Please hang on, or not, we don't give a rat's ass you idiot, your call doesn't really matter to us. If you hang up now,
citizen #:74605-619641312-5200-465413-2165465 you only increase your wait time.
Thank you for you patience, when you owe us and we should be more attentive of that fact if we want to get our money from you voluntarily, sucker", of course followed by more ear piercing 'Skullcracker' devil music at uneven volumes getting ever louder by the minute as I am kept on hold...
Finally the line rings through and a voice on the other end straight out of 'Mr. Roger's "Creepy" Neighborhood' answers the phone.
"Hi, Mrs... Kringle?"
At this point I'm bustin' up lauging inside, partly because the voice on the other end sounds more like a man, maybe a man pretending to be a woman or a woman on hormone treatments.... Possibly a pre-op tranny on hormone treatments?
I don't know, not that it really matters, it just was random and unexpected!
Also the persons' voice on the other end is monotonous but partly faked enough to sound animated.
Not to mention the name, ha! Holy sh*t the name! Kinkle. "Good thanks, how are you? Kringle, I mean Kankle, oops, ha ha sorry Mrs. Kinkle." (Awkward) "Anyway, I filed my taxes recently and I want my refund to be used towards the remaining amount I owe for a prior tax year. Unlike last year when I was told my estimated tax payment would be used for the same but instead it was mailed back to me which I happily spent on a day of drunk and whore binging [sic]..." (figuring that's something a crooked government employee could relate to)
"Okay, thank you sir. Now I am wondering, have you been making payments because I am showing your account is in... default?" "Default, Krinkle? No, that isn't possible because I've made a payment every month since I last filed." "I see, you do realise that this is February and that there've only been two months in the year thus far. What constitutes a payment applied to a "wrong year"? All my payments by check have been notated with my social security # on them and I assumed that they automatically would be applied to the tax year I owed on, does that make sense?" "Hmmm, well I see that I've made more than three payments on the same tax year and if the mail was delayed for my January payment, then I fail to see how I am at fault and should be penalized for that. I also question this formal agreement or payment plan I am entered under with the IRS. Do you have any documentation with my signature stating my acknowledgment of a payment agreement and the fees associated with that?" "Yes I always pay by check, paying my taxes which already accrue interest with a credit card that has a much higher interest rate would be financial suicide."
"Mmmmkay, I suppose I could take some extra time out of my day to prove my position as far as that is concerned. What then?" "What? I thought you said it was $43.95 a moment ago? If you are looking at my records on your system, can't you tell me what I've paid up to this point then? I prefer not to set up a "payment plan", especially if I'm not in the wrong and may not be reimbursed for entering into a new arrangement that shouldn't be in error in the first place. But unbeknownst to me, I have been duped into a fictional payment agreement I never signed or committed to but all of a sudden I am being penalized for a payment that is less than a week late? I don't understand." "What? Ok, sheesh, fine. Whatever we need to do. Sometimes I swear the IRS must be on crack."
"O-k..What I said wasn't meant personally. And honestly, I'm sure you deal with calls that are 10 times worse. Besides if you were in my shoes what would you be thinking? Something seems amiss here..."
(At this point I'm thinking; "Oh, well I guess a man pretending to be a woman on the phone working at the IRS can have a bad day when their hormones are raging" Honestly, I have no problem with a person's sexuality or sexual identity, only their attitudes, but such is my luck to encounter someone under special circumstances who is experiencing a bit of stress from more than one angle today) "Well my apologies, I didn't say you were on crack. I'm not quite sure how your or my age is relevant to the conversation and I also don't see this as a professional conversation anymore, you are sounding more and more unprofessional by the minute mostly because you haven't given me a straight answer nor have you looked at my records and directly addressed the questions I asked. This is a personal phone call for me, on my personal time and I have been perfectly civil. Your demeanor is unprofessional, your yelling because I remarked that the organization you work for must be on crack seems a bit reactionary and an excuse to get upset with me." "Ok Mrs. Kinkel, I'm getting that someone is having a bad day and might have a few control issues, what is it about my tone that would illicit or justify the attitude and tone you are projecting at me?" "Yeah, you know what Mrs. KANKLE KRACKLE FACE?! Actually that would be good, y'know someone who isn't waving their knuckle dragging arms in the air, flopping around in a fit of hysterics with veins popping out on their neanderthal-like brow, speaking to someone who also has less body hair than I do would be much preferred than trying to have an intelligent conversation with YOU. I'd rather be thrown naked into a pit full of rabid badgers. Thanks."
**Click.....**
That biiiitch. I realised after the fact that Krinkle rhymes with dick wrinkle!
Ha ha, who has the last laugh now, Kinkle?! WHO I say?!
Okay, moral of the story?
When you put your money where your mouth is... Never assume you will be the one who eats it.
FIRE IN THE HOLE!
—tags: comedy, commentary, funny, funny commentary, humor, jokes, rants, satire, silly, spoofs, stupid, sucks, The IRS
