Gymnast Routine with a Surprise

A gymnast goes about her routine until....

The Darwin Awards

The Darwin Awards described as 'A Chronicle of Enterprising Demises Honoring those who improve the species...by accidentally removing themselves from it!' The 2007 Winners have been announced! Let's hope none mentioned are related to you. And if they are, my condolences. May they forever be remembered as being courageous, throwing caution to the wind whenever the mood struck them... silly, unconscious or dead.

More astoundingly stupid judgments abound with the nominees for 2008, here are their final moments recorded for historians to chuckle, snicker and chortle at.

Chemistry Went Over Her Head
2008 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin

(2 February 2008, Bulgaria) It was a cold but sunny February afternoon. Lidia, a biology teacher from Sofia, was driving home from a memorial service, accompanied by her husband and a friend. Suddenly, the vehicle stopped. Bystanders saw all three occupants dash from the car to a nearby manhole, and start pouring down liquids and powders from various bottles and jars.

Apparently, Lidia had been doing chemistry experiments in her free time, and had some noxious chemicals left over. It is still not entirely clear what the chemicals were, but two of the bottles had labels: diethyl ether and methanol, both highly flammable substances. The former is also used as a sedative, so one explanation for their actions is that they felt dizzy from the ether vapors, and thought it was a good idea to pour them in the sewer.

As it turns out, a good idea it definitely was not. The cocktail of flammable substances in the enclosed space of the sewer caused an explosion so powerful that it launched the manhole cover into the air, decapitating the (briefly) surprised Lidia. Left without a head on her shoulders, she decided it was time to kick the bucket.

The other two people were not left unharmed, but were alive. They were taken to the hospital with burns on their faces. After several hours in the operating room, it appeared unlikely that they will regain their eyesight, but hopefully are able to speak well enough to tell their children that tossing random chemicals down the drain is not as wise as it might at first appear.

Wascally Wabbit
2008 Darwin Award Nominee
Unconfirmed by Darwin

Snowmobiles and alcohol are a dangerous mix. Then came the rabbit.

After a day spent partying and racing snowmobiles in the wilderness, a group of snowmobilers headed back to their cabin. Up popped a jackrabbit! The snowmobilers gave chase. Several collisions were narrowly averted, and all snowmobiles backed off... except one.

This snowmobiler kept his eye on the quarry and rapidly closed in. The rabbit darted aside to save itself. The snowmobiler closed in again. The rabbit ran toward the road, where there was less snow. Trying to ram his rabbit before it crossed the road, the man accelerated to Mach 1. But the rabbit had other ideas. It escaped into the culvert beneath the road.

Witnesses stated that the snowmobiler never braked. There was a metallic crunch as the accelerating vehicle rammed into the culvert, followed by a blast that shattered the snowmobile into a thousand bits.

This brand of snowmobile had a fuel tank mounted in front. The culvert admitted the tip of the snowmobile, then cut into the cowling, spilling fuel over the hot engine. The body of the snowmobiler was blown twenty feet back into the field.

The rabbit's whereabouts was unknown.

Moderator Bruce speculates, "Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd?"
Alternate title: "Hare Today, Gone Tomorrow"

Pulling a Boner
2008 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin

(2 February 2008, New York) A 50-year-old man was bird hunting in Upstate New York with his buddies and his faithful canine companion. They stopped for a smoke, and he noticed that his dog had found a bone. It was a deer leg! The man tried to take the bone away from the dog. Like any right thinking dog, the animal would not relinquish its treasure, and stayed just out of reach.

Frustrated with this blatant show of disobedience, the man grabbed his loaded shotgun by the muzzle and began wielding it like a club. Each time he swung it, the dog dodged. Suddenly the "club" struck the ground and fired, shooting the man in the abdomen. His friends called 911 and he was airlifted to a nearby hospital, where he died from his injuries.

He did remain conscious long enough to confirm this account to police; otherwise, his poor friends might now be under suspicion of murder.

At least he didn't hit the dog!

Pierced!
2008 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin

(January 2008, Pennsylvania) A 23 year old man with various body piercings decided to see what it would feel like to connect his workplace test equipment to his chest piercings. Several co-workers tried to convince him that it was a bad idea to connect himself to the electronic control tester. He ignored their pleas and proceeded to connect two alligator clips to his piercings. He hit the test button...

When the police and rescue personnel arrived, his co-workers were still trying to revive him with CPR and rescue breathing. They were not successful.

Talk about shock and awe.

And a few more honorable mentions that have made the nominee list so far.

Flaming Shot (near miss)
Some friends and I were having drinks at a party. After consuming many cocktails, we had a 'BRILLIANT' idea to pour a shot of 'GRAIN ALCOHOL' and set it on 'FIRE' and drink it. I believe the ultimate goal was to impress the ladies present...

Pining Away (Unconfirmed)
Three young men had finished their basic training and decided to spend their few days of leave with one's grandmother, before heading out to their respective assignments. Grandmother had a swing job to make ends meet, so the privates were left alone late into the night...

Into the Abyss (Unconfirmed)
An enterprising lumberman jacked up the rear end of his pickup, attached one end of a rope to the tire rim, and the other end of the rope to a large felled tree. He put the pickup into gear, apparently expecting the rim to act as a makeshift rope crank that would pull the tree up the steep embankment...

Gov. Eliot Spitzer Tells All

Federal agents have determined New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer used a high-priced call-girl ring at least eight times in recent months, agents had him under surveillance twice this year which led up to his getting caught. This lurid sex scandal ends the brash, ambitious career of New York's governor. On March 12, 2008 the disgraced politician stepped down, saying, "I did not live up to what was expected of me", and he cannot allow his "private failings to disrupt the public's work." His resignation as governor of New York is effective on March 17.

But the clues to his demise go years back. Gov. Spitzer gave an exclusive interview with Krapsody reporter Dubious Monk giving you an inside look into this recent scandal.

Dubious Monk: If you haven't heard by now, Eliot Spitzer the Governor of New York was caught with his tailored trousers down in a little prostitution probe. Although whom was probing whom and with what is still not clear. Once describing himself as a political "steamroller." In the end this proud politician appears to have only crushed himself. Thank you for joining us today Gov. Spitzer!

Gov. Spitzer: Thank you, Dubious.

Dubious Monk: The people of New York and the entire country would like to know why you spent taxpayers money on high-priced call-girls and not $5.00 prostitutes like every other politician? Can you shed any light on why you would do such a thing and where your morals were at the time when you thought you could get away with such inconceivable actions?

Gov. Spitzer: Everyone should know by now that in order to succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles, by throwing them out the window. Frankly, I just wanted to relieve my "blue balls". Can you blame a guy? Just because I held a public office and declared I was against common citizens and other officials engaging in illicit sex with street walkers, old ladies, gay boys, or call-girls at these sex clubs doesn't mean I don't like doing that too. I got bored with internet porn and with common prostitutes, they're used goods man. Hookers hardly bathe between johns, they carry diseases and their crack habits were too much for me to bear. You have to pay for the good stuff. Since I was caught shagging it, I had to step down from my public office for partaking in an indecent act at the people's expense.

Dubious Monk: Well in fact sir, there were eight occasions that we know of where you visited the premises of these call-girls called the Emperors Club VIP.

Gov. Spitzer: Whatev. (shrugs)

Dubious Monk: And did you have to step down from your office necessarily? You talk as if there is more to the story.

Gov. Spitzer: It seemed like the best thing to do before people starting digging and snooping into my affairs more. They would have found out I liked not only high-priced call-girls, but TS, TV, and bukkake barnyard animal action too, an act I like to refer to as 'Schpitzing'. And by golly I like my spankings and getting my weiner slapped at least once a day. God Bless America.

Dubious Monk: Can you say that since you were once considered a ferocious governor who broke up several of these very same sex rings you visited, that you can still avoid possible legal repercussions and potential disbarment after a sex scandal such as this?

Gov. Spitzer: Sure, why not? Look at Pres. Bill Clinton, Dubious. He bonked more than just Monica Lewinski in the oval office I'm sure. The only difference is I chose not to lie about it and immediately stepped down from my office. I admit I visited the massage parlors, the street corner floozies and call-girls every chance I got, including on my lunch hour during the week, also after the work day was over, and on weekends when my wife thought I was golfing. I've been doing it for years! I'm a sex addict ferchrissakes. No one needs to know that. Edit that please. Besides I can just use more taxpayer money to hire the best legal defense in the country that money could buy. Edit that also.

Dubious Monk: Really now. You mock the american people, hard working honest citizens Gov. Spitzer. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Gov. Spitzer: I'm fapping it right now Dubious.

Dubious Monk: You disgust me sir.

Gov. Spitzer: That's what they all say.

Dubious Monk: You heard it here folks. Gov. Eliot Spitzer, not just a pervert, but an asshole.

Top 10 Signs Your Husband Is Part of a High-class Prostitution Ring

The Onion: US Schools Trail World In Child Soldier Aptitude

A shocking new study finds U.S. children lag far behind their international peers in subjects like rifle assembly and mine defusing.

Ask Static

I recently sifted through my email and amongst the thousands of spams I receive, I occasionally get the love and hate mail. Usually with subject lines such as, "Hey Static, I love you! Will you be the father of my children?" or "Hey Static, you are an irredeemably licentious cock-faced parasite and a belligerent, web-polluting tainted spawn of a syphilitic swamp hog!"

These are always wonderful inclusions and quite refreshing next to such headings as "Same meds but much cheaper", "REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE", "Make $225,000 And More Every Day!", "do you want a bigger p3n1s?" Occasionally I just get asked a variety of questions. Albeit odd questions at times. So in response to this cry for help I've decided to start my own advice column: Ask Static! Eat your heart out Ann Landers.