The 12 Days of Christmas (Alternate Version)

Holiday song taken literally. Hilarity ensues.

December 14

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real
Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always,
Agnes

(read more)
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December 15

Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine
two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.

All my love,
Agnes

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December 16

Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just
darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love,
Agnes

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December 17

Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really,
they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are
being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

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December 18

Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden
rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,
Agnes

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December 19

Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese
laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors
are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,
Agnes

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December 20

John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a
swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all
over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night
and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with the freaking birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

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December 21

O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do
with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8
maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure
all over the lawn and I can't move around in my own house.
Just stop it, smartass. And that's final!

Agnes

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December 22

Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.
What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours !

Agnes

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December 23

You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call
those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long.

Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is
a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to
give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm calling the police on you !

Agnes

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December 24

Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and
ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers
ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows.
All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to
death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes

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December 25

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes Farder.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should
come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Farder at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Law Offices of
Badger, Bender and Ahole

When Sailing The Sea Of Memes, Beware of Shark-Cat

Da dum. Da dum. Da dum dum dum dum dum dum dum! Oh noes, cat-shark..shark-cat!! iz gunna git meeee!!1

This is Halloween

I don't know what your plans are for Halloween this year. But I plan on dressing up just like I normally do for everyday life. And if that doesn't scare this shit out of you, then dressing up as something called a "Hannah Montana", a.k.a. "The Miley Cyrus Monster" (a monster unequaled in scariness - see infographic on FEAR below) is pretty damn scary if you ask me. But you didn't ask me, however, I'ma let you know anyway...because I care.

Other Halloween costume ideas this year include finding shit lying around your house to wear, like a wig, black tank top and the red bandana made famous by 24-year-old Antoine Dodson who became a YouTube viral sensation after he chased a would-be rapist out of his home. If you feel like spending the money for those things that you probably already have, then "The Bed Intruder", a.k.a. "The Antoine Dodson Costume", is dollars to doughnuts the best Halloween gag costume I've seen so far.

A similar costume was produced earlier this season called the "Bedroom Superhero Costume Kit", which was the latest, and unauthorized, attempt to capitalize on Dodson’s fame. Vying for profits should have landed the makers in court over a lawsuit..no, the "Law Suit" is not a Halloween costume, yet. Doubtful that this will ever go to court, it's also doubtful that if you chose this costume that you will be showing any originality as there will probably be twenty other dudes wearing the same thing.

Since we're on the topics of lawsuits and Halloween, I'm surprised the inventors of Halloween haven't sued for copyright/trademark infringement over their holiday. I mean, witches/pagans/neopagans/ghosts/vampires/werewolves/other scary monsters would probably win millions, really. Here's documentation that proves my point.



[Via: The Douchebag Infographics Team]


As a kid after Trick-or-Treating I was always excited to see if I could find candy that had been tampered with. That way I could be the one to turn them in to the police. But I sadly never had the chance. Mostly because it was urban myth.

In reality, the idea of tainted candy from a stranger may have started with a 1964 incident involving a New York homemaker named Helen Pfeil. Irritated at the idea of handing out free candy to older kids, Pfeil gave out packages of steel wool pads, dog biscuits and poison ant buttons. Although she made it clear that her "goodies" were inedible, Pfeil was charged with endangering children. And so subsequent generations of people believe the urban myth. So we should sue them..or maybe we should sue the makers of this infographic...or maybe we should sue...someone.

OHHHH, I'm sooo confused now!

With all the monsters, ghouls, and creepies it goes without saying that Halloween for some is a scary experience. They don't know how to cope with the fear of being confronted with children dressed like monsters, banging on their doors on Halloween night, demanding sugary confections.

Poor saps are probably afraid of the dark, and afraid of their own shadows. If they only knew that the only thing they had to fear was fear itself, then maybe they wouldn't have to change their shorts every single time the doorbell rings on Halloween night. I think a load in someone's pants is almost as scary as the Miley Cyrus monster. For those of you that are phobic, here are some tips about fear that might help you recognize and manage your psychological distress.



[Via: Another Douchebag Infographic Team]


And now I have some preparing to do. I'm off to get an early start on Trick-or-Treating. I'm sure my neighbors will love me banging on their door at three o'clock this morning exclaiming, "Hey! It's officially Halloween. Gimme some damn candy, bitches!" Of course, I'll be wearing my Bed Intruder costume and distributing my own brand of psychological distress, people will think I'm either trying to rob them or rape them and they'll call the police. So hide yo kids, hide yo wife, and hide yo husband cuz they're rapin errbody out here.

Have a Happy and Safe Halloween!

Phenomenal Accomplishments of Blood That Make Edward Cullen Cream His Jeans

Blood is not just for splatter movies. Blood is the most commonly tested part of the body, and it is truly the river of life. It is vital to bodily function. The average adult has about five liters of blood living inside of their body, coursing through their vessels, delivering essential elements, and removing harmful wastes. Without blood, the human body would stop working. This may explain why those not getting enough of it to the brain are mouth-breathing zombies. Speaking of stupid..here's another infographic to explain the phenomenal accomplishments of blood. Quite sure that Eddie is fapping to this on a regular basis.

Muthaf***in' Crocodiles on a Muthaf***in' Plane

Sun Oct 24, 2010 8:14 pm ET

Chicago, IL (Krapsody) - A crocodile hidden in a passenger's bag onboard a plane escaped prompting FBI agent Neville Flynn to say, "Enough is enough! I have had it with these muthafuckin' crocodiles on this muthafuckin' plane! Everybody strap in, Imma 'bout to open some windows," which he did, causing the plane to crash and kill 19 passengers during a flight over Chicago. Ironically the crocodile survived the crash but was killed moments later when a gust of wind hurtled it towards the Superman: Ultimate Flight ride at Six Flags Great America. Breaking it's neck on impact with the twisted steel track, it probably goes without saying that the croc found out what it’s like to fly like the one-and-only Superman.