Merry Shitmas, Chodes

Rebecca's Black Friday

A Special Report by Dubious Monk

Mon. Nov. 25, 2013 (Fargo, N.D.) - Black Friday evokes all kinds of things to the average consumer. Deep discounts and doorbuster deals are enticing and have consumers lining up to snag them—which is exactly what retailers want. But most retailers have limited quantities of heavily-discounted items, which require consumers to be crafty in how they get those must-have gifts.

This is where the atypical suburbanite Mrs. Rebecca Robinson comes in. A forty-something year old woman who has ruthlessly perfected her holiday shopping strategy. Known as a fearsome "powershopper" amongst her small community, Robinson's skills are respected, if not despised, by all who know her.

Raptor Santa Nearly Ruins Christmas

Sun. Jan. 01, 2012

Minneapolis, MN. (Krapsody) - The seasonal experience of children sitting on Santa's lap and reading him their wishlist is a time-honored tradition, and a delight for young and old. But some things that we experience in our youth will be cherished forever, and some things will never be the same again after experiencing them.

On Saturday December 24 at a Macy's "Santa Workshop" in a Minneapolis mall, shoppers and employees got more than what they bargained for when a curious girl sitting on Santa's lap gave his beard a tug to test it's authenticity. But Santa's beard gave way revealing the scaly-faced reptilian grimace of none other than Raptor Santa - shocking everyone.

Political Suess

What if life in Washington were like a Dr. Seuss book? Don't you wonder what that might be like? I know I do. It's not as far-fetched as you might think.

Yertle the Turtle thinks he is the king of the pond. He brags that he is the biggest, the fastest, and the strongest. All was well until he decided his kingdom was too small. He made each turtle stand on another one’s back. And he piled them all up in a big turtle stack. And underneath Yertle, it's turtles all the way down.

TSA - It's Better If You Just Cooperate

The TSA would like to take a moment to put holiday traveler's concerns at ease about being forced to choose between allowing a TSA agent to see them naked, or to have their genitals touched and squeezed as part of what the TSA terms "enhanced pat-downs." Remember, the TSA considers your safety and the images produced by Advanced Imaging Technology to be "family friendly."

The 12 Days of Christmas (Alternate Version)

Holiday song taken literally. Hilarity ensues.

December 14

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real
Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always,
Agnes

(read more)
========================================================
December 15

Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine
two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.

All my love,
Agnes

=========================================================
December 16

Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just
darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love,
Agnes

=========================================================
December 17

Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really,
they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are
being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

==========================================================
December 18

Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden
rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,
Agnes

========================================================
December 19

Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese
laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors
are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,
Agnes

========================================================
December 20

John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a
swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all
over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night
and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with the freaking birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

=========================================================
December 21

O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do
with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8
maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure
all over the lawn and I can't move around in my own house.
Just stop it, smartass. And that's final!

Agnes

=========================================================
December 22

Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.
What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours !

Agnes

==========================================================
December 23

You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call
those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long.

Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is
a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to
give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm calling the police on you !

Agnes

=========================================================
December 24

Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and
ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers
ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows.
All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to
death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes

=========================================================
December 25

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes Farder.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should
come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Farder at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Law Offices of
Badger, Bender and Ahole

Ask Static: Festivity Level Critical

Q: Dear Static,
You seem like a party kinda guy. How do you throw the ultimate Christmas party? Some parties may be seen as fun in the eyes of a few - but may not be seen that way by others. So what do you do? Do you invite the people over for Christmas you know will like your party, or, those you prefer the company of, but probably won't like your party. Do you dismiss the idea of having any Christmas party at all?

Thanks,

Party Monster


A: Party Monster,

This is difficult to answer because, a party might be fun for some folks, but to others it may not. Because of this we find ourselves in a catch 22 situation. What do you do? I'll tell you what you do.

If you have ever thrown a Christmas party, the worst thing you could do is throw the kind of party where your guests, the next day, call you up to say they had a nice time. Because you'll be expected to throw another great party next year.

What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days later and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one.

So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level:

Festivity Level One:
Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres. ADEQUATE. REASONABLY ENTERTAINING. BUT SAFE AND...BORING! CONSIDER THIS EQUAL TO DEFCON 5 ON THE NATIONAL SECURITY SCALE.

Festivity Level Two:
Your guests are talking loudly--sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. WE'RE GETTING WARMER. BUMP THIS UP TO DEFCON 4.

Festivity Level Three:
Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping other people's drinks, wolfing down Christmas-tree ornaments, and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike them. NOW THIS IS THE WAY TO SPREAD THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT! COULD BE EQUATED WITH DEFCON 3 OR DEFCON 2 READINESS DEPENDING ON THE INTENSITY OF RIOTING. PARTY CRASHERS NEED NOT APPLY AT THIS POINT, SINCE CHAOS HAS ALREADY ERUPTED.

(You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level Four.)

Festivity Level Four:
Your guests have hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree, and have consumed all ten gallons of alcohol at the party. The piano is missing. ALERT! ALERT! DEFCON 1!

The best way to get to Level Four is eggnog. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin, PCP, and, if they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl.

If you use enough alcohol you won't have to worry about them getting salmonella poisoning--their alcohol toxicity level will eliminate that possibility.

If you use enough PCP you won't have to worry about them getting anything but psychotic--but their alcohol toxicity level will probably lessen the possibility that they can carry out all of their impulses.

All you need to do then is pressure induce your guests to drink this potent mixture.

If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door. If your party is very successful, the police will then lob tear gas through your living-room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don't arrest anybody. Or, if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you. The best way to do this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them you're not doing anything illegal. Here's how to handle it:

Police: "Good evening. Are you the host?"

You: "No."

Police: "We've been getting complaints about this party."

You: "About the drugs?"

Police: "No."

You: "About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?!"

Police: "No, the noise."

You: "Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense, because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background)...Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbors?"

Police: "No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from several miles away. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down?"

You: "No problem." (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive religious symbols drawn and spray painted all over it emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and out the front door onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning. One is still behind the wheel, slumped over, their face pressed against the horn.) "See? Things are already starting to wind down."

****Note: Festivity Level Four has been endorsed by Black Santa Claus, who is taking Twitter by storm, five short days after I created an account for him. Which means...REDCON 1, COCKED PISTOL Y'ALL! =)


Merry Christmas. Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)*

*Exceptions, of course, are if you're suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

Christmas Prowler On Loose is Caught

How to tell if you've been naughty

Sat Dec. 27 , 2008

Christmas Town, U.S.A. (Krapsody) - The Christmas prowler still on the on loose has a name...Santa! That's right year after year "jolly old Saint Nick" has been raiding and looting homes across the globe!

It's the night before Christmas and you might think that you and your family are safe and snug in your beds, but if you think that no one is stirring, not even a mouse, you're sadly mistaken. The truth is that Christmas Eve is the one time of year when you're in the most danger from America's longest-running fugitive, the midnight prowler known as "Santa Claus."

From Russia With Love

"He's making a list / Checking it twice" Remember those lyrics from "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town?" Well, in the spirit of making lists and gift-giving, I'd like to share what I really want for Christmas - a Russian mail-order bride.

Let me add that this is only because I get three thousand spam emails per day that push me towards seeking one. Well, not quite that many really...but since they were offering, I naturally got curious to see what's behind the former Iron Curtain (since it's too difficult to look through the rivet hole.)

A Letter From Santa

A Letter from Santa

Ho, ho, f****** ho,

Merry f$%^&*#@ Christmas. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Santa's heard it all before. "Santa! Santa! I want stuff! Give me more STUFF!" I tell ya what, all that thankless consumerism is really starting to give old Santa a rash. You all seem to think that Santa exists for no other reason than to bust his ass every Christmas just so you can get the latest bit of tawdry crap you saw on your teevee last night. Christ!

Well, when it comes down to it, Santa will probably end up giving in (Santa always has been a softy); but Santa ain't gonna' like it!


You might ask yourself how Santa copes. I'll let you in on a little secret: the answer is "barely". Ho ho ho! (Santa really busts himself up.) Anyway, Santa always finds it therapeutic to blow off a little steam during the "shopping" season by getting together with all his fellow Santas... (What? you didn't think there was just one of us? For the entire planet?! What a rube!)

...Anyway, like Santa was saying, Santa likes to get together with his pals and head on out on bicycle (to keep Santa's girlish figure) for a bit of pre-season Merry Making. Santa invariably does a lil drinking and, well, sometimes things get a wee bit out of hand. Deal with it. It's Santa. If you complain, ya won't get nuttin' but coal in your stocking.

(lousy ingrate)

SC

Krapsody's Nottie of the Week™ #5

A bit of time between the last installment of Krapsody's Nottie of The Week™. Here's the most recent submission from a seasonal Mall Santa. The rest of the year he moonlights as Buddah, Jabba the Hutt, the Goodyear Blimp, or a crowd of people in low budget movies. Once again the Christmas is in danger! The problems with Santa's wife and elves have pushed the man in red to seek love on the internet.

Bad Holiday Theme Campaigns

This is a story about the ACCCE's Magical Mystery Carbon Storage Adventure! and their Bad Holiday Campaign to promote "clean coal."

ACCCE in recent years has spread its falsehoods on TV, radio, and in print, often spending millions. In 2008, ACCCE’s clean coal campaign reportedly had $50 million to spend on pro-coal, anti-climate initiatives.

And this is the shit they spent it on.

Xmas Cometh or Not

Sat Dec. 06, 2008

North Pole (Krapsody) - Xmas Cometh!
Christmas is coming. 1 in 10 people are excited. 9 in 10 people could give a damn. Why are Santa’s elves at the North Pole so short? Many of the materials they used to make toys come from China. This has made Santa very depressed. Leading him to turn to pornography, drink heavily, smoke, and use intravenous drugs.

Holiday Anger Management - Part 3

Happy New Year! And happy house cleaning after it's trashed with wine, puke, garbage, broken household items and other party favors.

A New Years Eve hostess hounds her house party trashers.
When the New Year's Eve carnage was over, Tracie Egan was left with wine on her walls, vomit on her walk-out roof, broken possessions and a $450 cleaning bill.

A hole was punched in her apartment wall, the shower curtain ripped from its rod, her prized Dolly Parton poster sprayed with booze and, most vulgarly, a tampon left on the sofa like an unwanted party favor.

Forget resolutions. For this bitter 28-year-old hostess, it's all about reparations.

Holiday Anger Management - Part 2

Deck the halls with piles of caca, falalala la la la la!

When it rains, it pours. Or when it snows, it dumps...big piles all over your house trapping you in a icy death trap.

Ok, funny story.
To complicate things this holiday season my LAN line phone has been down since yesterday. No service! At all. Yesterday I called the phone company who provides us with our digital phone service, Cox Communications.

They also provide us with digital cable television and internet, it's conveniently called a "Bundled Service Plan". I call it "A Monumental Pain In The Ass Since I've Had It Plan". I think with a string attached to two tin cans I would have better phone service than what I've been getting up until this point. Anyway, long story short: they are complete morons.

Holiday Anger Management - Part 1

Tis the season to be angry at employers, psycho drivers, psycho shoppers, mothers screaming at their children, drunk mall Santas, rabid squirrels, and whatever the feck else I want - damned pus filled sacks of monkey krap you's!

Krapsody.com forums are down for maintenance, in case you were wondering. So you can add hosting services to the list of fail. But at least my blog and other sites are still up, luckily they aren't on a shared server or I'd really be screwed!

In the meantime here's to slapping the responsible party in the face.




Stay tuned here and to my SU Blog for more instant insanity. Just add water.

Kids blamed in Christmas Eve theft

Fri Dec 28, 10:41 PM ET
SOUTH BRUNSWICK, N.J. - Local police said it was a typical holiday Grinch tale: A home was broken into on Christmas Eve, and wrapped presents were stolen off a kitchen table.

Little did they know the culprits were kids!

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Courtesy of: Radical Atheist - Think free

Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged

1. Schizophrenia
-- Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?

2. Amnesia
--I Don't Remember If I'll Be Home For Christmas

3. Narcissistic Personality Disorder
-- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

4. Bipolar Disorder (Manic Episode)
-- Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores
And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants And.......

5. Multiple Personality Disorder
-- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

6. Paranoid
-- Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us

7. Borderline Personality Disorder
-- You Better Watch Out, You Better not Shout, I'm Gonna' Cry, and I'll not Tell You Why!

8. Antisocial Personality Disorder
-- Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire

9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
-- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

10. Agoraphobia
-- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

11. Alzheimer's Disease/Senile Dementia
-- Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe

12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder
-- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

13. Social Anxiety Disorder
-- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

AND FINALLY:

14. Attention Deficit Disorder
-- We Wish You A......Hey Look!! It's Snowing!!!

Queer Eye For the Santa Guy?

DISTURBING SANTA NO. 18

Only 3 days to go until Christmas, friends and neighbors.

Which means, of course, that this weekend will be Prime Holiday Party Time.

Lots of drinking, lots of unwanted mistletoe come-ons and a sleigh full of inappropriate gestures like this one:





I always wondered what happened to the leatherclad guy in the Village People....

Christmas card arrives 93 years late

This is the ultimate story of "Oops! Wha-happened?" by the USPS. It should be showcased on 'Sick Sad World' if it were a reality tv series. But enough of my sarcastic commentary. Nah, just kidding.

Fri Dec 14, 10:35 PM ET Courtesy of: Associated Press
OBERLIN, Kan. - A postcard featuring a color drawing of Santa Claus and a young girl was mailed in 1914, but its journey was slower than Christmas. It just arrived in northwest Kansas.
(And this is news how exactly? Talk about snail mail. I could probably walk, no... crawl my mail across town faster than it takes to mail it in my teeny tiny area on any given average day.)

The Christmas card was dated Dec. 23, 1914, and mailed to Ethel Martin of Oberlin, apparently from her cousins in Alma, Neb.

It's a mystery where it spent most of the last century, Oberlin Postmaster Steve Schultz said. "It's surprising that it never got thrown away," he said. "How someone found it, I don't know."
(That's such a relief to know how it was "found" by "someone"... perhaps they were rummaging through the 'unemptied 93 year old trash bin'?)

Ethel Martin is deceased (No shit?), but Schultz said the post office wanted to get the card to a relative.
(That's a nice sentiment Schultz. It's the thought that counts, 93 years late is better than never. It may have been Ethel's only contact with her relatives in years and likely dozens if not hundreds of your postal representatives were too drunk or too dense to use a map & realise that Kansas is a far cry from Illinois.)

That's how the 93-year-old relic ended up with Bernice Martin, Ethel's sister-in-law. She said she believed the card had been found somewhere in Illinois.
(I'm just surprised it didn't end up in Canada, ok... bad geography joke. Nevermind the spell check joke then.)

"That's all we know," she said. "But it is kind of curious. We'd like to know how it got down there."
(Honestly, so would I. I'm sure most people who read this national story would. In fact someone out there reading it was probably thinking, "I should have sent my x-mas present MUCH sooner". But some things will continue to remain a mystery, like Bigfoot, the Lochness Monster, if Elvis is still alive and the secret ingredient(s) in Crispy Creme Donuts.)

The card was placed inside another envelope with modern postage for the trip to Oberlin — the one-cent postage of the early 20th century wouldn't have covered it, Martin said.
(Oh, dear, you mean "someone" had to splurge after 93 years and come up with the other .40 cents for postage & "handling"? What will they ever do now, how will their kids go to college? Oh my gawd, dear lord in heaven, it's a miracle! ...that the post office has delivered any mail correctly since.)

"We don't know much about it," she said. "But wherever they kept it, it was in perfect shape."
(Hmm, looks like somebody is on Santa's Naughty List this year. And for once it's not me.)