Can You Hear Me Now?

"The inability to stay quiet is one
of the conspicuous failings of mankind."

- Walter Bagehot, 1826-1877

I'm sure you've all been asking yourselves "where has that wild and crazy guy, Static been?" I'll tell you in this torrid tale, just for your inquiring minds that will make your socks shoot off your feet, right into the dirty clothes hamper. It's about damn time too, they were starting to get all crunchy it's been so long since ya changed 'em. Hasn't it?

My gripe of the week: Goddamn cellphone tards! Consider yourself warned.

Lick The Big Bone (Revised)

 

"The greatest service which can be rendered any country is to add a useful plant to its culture."

- Thomas Jefferson

I don't know about you, but I sure would like a puff of whatever plants he was smokin'.

You can thank Thomas Jefferson, the third President of the United States (1801–1809), and the principal author of the Declaration of Independence (1776), for starting what would become the largest collection of North American Mammoth fossil bones (in scientific speak that means, old massive pricks.) **No thanks to that wonderful duo, Lewis and Clark and their perverse expedition across America.**

History and science come together in this fascinating story of a woodland salt lick, and how the fossilized Big Bones found there influenced the beginnings of paleontological pornography in America.

Doing The Eternal Moonwalk Up In The Great Big Neverland Ranch In The Sky

"Why not just tell people I'm an alien from Mars. Tell them I eat live chickens and do a voodoo dance at midnight. They'll believe anything you say, because you're a reporter. But if I, Michael Jackson, were to say, 'I'm an alien from Mars and I eat live chickens and do a voodoo dance at midnight,' people would say, 'Oh, man, that Michael Jackson is nuts. He's cracked up. You can't believe a damn word that comes out of his mouth.'"

— Michael Jackson "The King of Pop"

Michael Jackson was just weeks away from his FAREWELL tour. Quoted as saying, "This is it. This is it. These will be my final shows, performances, in London. This is it. And when I say this is it, I mean this is it."

"This is really it. This is the final curtain call, OK? See you in July."

But he BEAT IT out of there. The King of Pop has popped his clogs.


No matter what scandals or rumors plagued him, he was still a THRILLER and could always make a crowd of children and adults SCREAM. SCREAM with love, or sometimes with bewilderment, or laughter.

In his illustrious career, Michael more than proved that he could SHAKE YOUR BODY (DOWN TO THE GROUND). CAN YOU FEEL IT? I bet you still can, even today. That's because he's INVINCIBLE.

Which is why it's so hard to believe he's gone. Why, with all the plastic surgery he had, you had to wonder - if not expect that there was some sort of invincibility to the man, like some half-human, half-terminator cyborg, never appearing his age...even I believed that he would outlive everyone. Albeit in the aftermath of a nuclear holocaust.



The hero of many, Michael was always searching for and reinventing himself. In a constant search for the MAN IN THE MIRROR, Michael grew up a child star and surely had a difficult CHILDHOOD..HIStory has a way of catching up to people doesn't it?

Additionally, he was color blind. And Michael made his fans color blind also. No one is sure if he's BLACK OR WHITE to this day.

Jackson put his heart and soul into his work. He was the kinda guy that always WANNA BE STARTIN' SOMETHIN'. He believed in people, he thought that WE ARE THE WORLD.

He was also a shrewd businessman. His friend Paul McCartney told Jackson about the millions of dollars he had made from music catalogs; he was earning approximately $40 million a year from other people's songs. Jackson then began a business career buying, selling and distributing publishing rights to music from numerous artists.

Shortly afterwards, upon hearing that ATV Songs — a music catalog holding thousands of songs, including most of the songs written by Lennon-McCartney between 1963-1973 — was put up for sale. Jackson took immediate interest and got excited, as he did, and skipped around saying, "I want those songs. Get me those songs". Which he did for $47.5 mil.

When McCartney found out he tried to out bid him, Paul begged Yoko Ono to help out - to prevent MJ from getting The Beatles songs..but they failed. Paul later said, "I think it's dodgy to do things like that. To be someone's friend and then buy the rug they're standing on".

In essence, McCartney had been hit by a SMOOTH CRIMINAL. And McCartney politely asked Michael, "If you could be so kind as to remove your knife from my back, please." Not long after that, McCartney strangled Bubbles, Jackson's favorite pet chimp.

Even Farrah Fawcett agrees. When Michael died, he stole her limelight yet again.

It was then that Michael pulled a BLANKET over Paul's head, waved his hand in front of Farrah's face, and showed just how DANGEROUS he could be..by confusing them both with his ferocious dance moves before he took that hot trip to heaven.

Paul fell asleep like a caged bird, and Farrah fell into a trance. Giving Michael the upper hand once again!

When he was among us, all Michael really wanted to do was HEAL THE WORLD. If you thought Michael was as cool as he was made out to be, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Can't get enough of him? DON'T STOP 'TIL YOU GET ENOUGH! Which I hear many of you are...buying up all his memorabilia like that's all there is to the man, or like it's going out of style.

Michael is gone now. He's doing the eternal MOONWALK up in the great big NEVERLAND RANCH in the sky.

He touched many people, mostly children...other people's children. And now he's in a place where he can no longer touch them. Ooh, that sounded really BAD.

But not as BAD as this video game.

Anyway, I guess my point is, Michael, YOU ROCK MY WORLD! Miss ya. RIP MJ.




And now a word from our sponsor:

Dr. Jack Kevorkian offers discounted euthanasia housecalls!

According to Dr. Kevorkian, this site alone, but especially if combined with memes and internet jokes, such as Goatse and/or Tubgirl have destroyed massive amounts of neurons in all of his patients, resulting in eventual brain death to the viewer.

BUT for a limited time only he is offering a new experimental euthanization for the discounted price of $29.95

The Farewell Tour prescription drug!


Order now! ..or feel free to continue the suffering and prolonging of: the inevitability of being in chronic pain - being a vegetable - being a famous celebrity devoid of privacy constantly harassed by people who never leave you alone - being famous but accused of criminal acts that ruin your career and the only way out is death - being a pathetic second-rate commiserable blogger who writes articles in poor taste thereby alienating themself from the blogosphere - or of just being some nobody that people don't care about.


For a one-time-only payment of $29.95 Farewell Tour is the faster - more effective injectable euthanization process*. Just one shot, and it's like taking a nap. Forever.

It worked for Michael and now it can work for you!†

Order today!


*Proven effective for up to the rest of your life in clinical studies.

† Individual results may vary.
This is the very same procedure Michael Jackson used..but only resulted in his cardiac arrest.
Don't expect the same results as Michael, he was a tough nut to crack.


IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION

The Farewell Tour prescription drug is a treatment option you and your doctor can consider along with lifestyle changes. When taking it, don’t drive or operate machinery. Plan to devote the rest of your natural waking life to sleep before trying to be active. Sleepwalking, moonwalking, and eating or driving while not fully awake, with memory loss for the event, as well as abnormal behaviors such as being more outgoing or aggressive than normal, confusion, agitation, hallucinations, and death may occur. Don’t take it with alcohol as it may increase these behaviors.

In patients with depression, worsening of depression, including risk of suicide may or definitely will occur. If you experience any of these behaviors contact your doctor immediately. Allergic reactions such as shortness of breath, swelling of your tongue or throat, blurred vision, may occur and in most cases may be fatal. If you have an allergic reaction while using Farewell Tour, contact your doctor immediately. Side effects of Farewell Tour may include next-day drowsiness, dizziness, headache, or interment (burial). There is a low occurrence of side effects associated with the short-term use of Farewell Tour. The most commonly observed side effects in controlled clinical trials were drowsiness, dizziness, diarrhea, and death. Side effects also include the disappearance of your doctor, but don't worry this is a temporary side effect and will be resolved with the police impounding his or her vehicle, their on-going investigations, and local medical examiner autopsy reports.

Farewell Tour is taken for 7 to 10 minutes –or longer as advised by your provider. Farewell Tour can be taken as long as your doctor recommends. Farewell Tour has some risk of dependency. Especially if it doesn't work the first time, but Farewell Tour is non-narcotic. What a relief huh?

Please consult your doctor for full prescribing information and medication guide.


© 2009 Kevorkian U.S. LLC. All rights reserved.

Note: to anyone who thought you couldn't construct a blog article composed of song titles and/or names of possessions related to an individual then here's proof to the contrary. Pop goes the weasel.



UPDATE!

Farewell Tour drug has been used by Karl Malden and is being considered as a final treatment by Ponzi-schemer Bernard Madoff.

More on this breaking news..never.

A Totally Pointless Useless Arcane Stupid Deranged Puzzling Random Survey

"I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers."

- Kahlil Gibran

Answer these questions at your own peril...

The Internet Is For Porn and HoBlogging!

I know you've been wondering for awhile now. And the facts are in. It's true. The internet is for porn! It's a well known saying to be sure. The internet is not strictly for looking up trivial information anymore. It's all about the booty.







Perhaps the funniest depiction of this was a Chappelle Show episode. I posted an article on this back in Aug 2007.

It's probably NSFW if you've never seen it, and it's absolutely hilarious, but it definitely raises a number of points that speak to the industry we are either exposed to at some point, or that we work in.

Here's a scenario for you..

Joe the finance executive at a bank is browsing the web. He visits a news site, and a link to a site that suggest adult conversations is flashing in the ad banner space.

Now, Joe is happily married...yet he's curious. Like most women, his wife has lost interest in sex, or more appropriately..she has lost interest in having sex with a pot-bellied red-faced knuckle-dragging smelly conversationally challenged troglodyte, like Joe.

And so temptation overrules logical thought for Joe. He's acting completely right-brained at this point. Living in the moment, simply for the sake of the moment, not thinking about the future. He visits the "adult conversation" site and...BAM! He's assaulted with pictures and pop ups of all forms of pornography.

Now Joe's in a whole other world (also "ho...nutha...level" - the H.N.L.) His basal instincts have taken over and what was supposed to be a quick check in of the local news turned into a revolting and shocking trip down Porno Lane. A few clicks later and an install of flash player, and he's merrily watching some streaming porn on his laptop at work.

For probably the first time in his pathetic life, Joe is happy, Joe is enjoying himself. IMMENSELY.

You, or a similar version of you, an employee of the IT Dept at the bank.. sitting in your position of overwatch, looking for strange and outlandish network behavior notice Joe's computer doing something like this:

111.222.33.44,FSPA,27289,72.213.167.190,FSA,80,909,573,11,6,0,0,TCP,POST / HTTP/1.1..Host: filthybuttfxxkers.com..Content-Length: 116..Connection: close.....,HTTP/1.1 200 OK..Server: nginx/0.5.33..Date: Fri. 05 June 2009 16:20:27 GMT.

111.222.33.44,FSPA,42583,212.55.163.216,FSA,80,784,687,10,6,0,0,TCP,POST /4D3D07E3ABDFC3C5/qxUX4xETUFYBWqc0kaWCzvoCcAQCYSNwZgcyFiBAByC73XXm0CcAYgVSB,HTTP/1.1 200 OK..Server: nginx/0.5.35..Date: Fri. 05 June 2009 16:40:16 GMT.

111.222.33.44,FSPA,16197,212.55.163.216,FSA,80,848,1054,11,7,0,0,TCP,POST /4D3D07E3ABDFC3C5/qxUX4xETUFYBWqc0kaWCzvoCcAQCYSNwZgcyFiBAByC73XXm0CcAYgVSB,HTTP/1.1 200 OK..Server: nginx/0.5.35..Date: Fri. 05 June 2009 17:00:17 GMT.

111.222.33.44,FSPA,3884,66.102.1.101,FSPA,80,1334,12549,13,14,0,0,TCP,POST /safebrowsing/downloads?client=navclient-auto-ffox&appver=3.0.5&pver=2.2&wr,HTTP/1.1 200 OK..Content-Type: application/vnd.google.safebrowsing-update..Date:,,1010110100101011010110100101011010110100101011100000101011010010101,,

111.222.33.44,FSPA,58415,212.55.163.216, HOLY SHIT THIS GUY IS A GOD-DAMN PERVERT! 80,784,687,10,6,0,0,TCP,POST /4D3D07E3ABDFC3C5/qxUX4xETUFYBWqc0kaWCzvoCcAQCYSNwZgcyFiBAByC73XXm0CcAYgVSB,HTTP/1.1 200 OK..Server: nginx/0.5.35..Date: Fri. 05 June 2009 18:00:20 GMT.

Joe has managed to visit one of the countless porn sites that is actually owned and/or operated by a sub-group in organized crime, or hosts malicious flash or other malware.

Joe, in his quest for local news, and following his temptations has opened himself up, and the organization to a whole new world of risk.

Joe is compromised. And so is his job.

Not only is he compromised but he's managed to get a copy of Sinowal loaded on to his computer. Joe, being the finance director at the bank has access to all of the financial information of all of the bank's customers, and he uses this access to run reports. Joe is now responsible for exposing the records for all of the customers of the bank.

Ok, enough about Joe.

What I find interesting about this all is how in a matter of a few seconds, one can go from a nice clean site to an awful bodega of porn in a matter of a few clicks. Like six degrees of separation, the internet appears to be '6 clicks to porn', as in from any site you can end up at a porn site in 6 clicks...or less, depending on how internet savvy you are. Savvy?

It's like walking down a street in a major city and from block to block, you can go from the best part of the city, to the worst and most dangerous. To buy crack cocaine and obtain the services of a hooker. I don't know many people that would willingly walk down a dark dank avenue known to have muggers and other dangerous people. Yet, people do it daily on the internet.

Most users don't seem to put the two together. For some reason it's as if people still believe that computers are in a separate reality and whatever happens on a computer does not have the ability to affect real people or their lives.

If the saying is to be believed, that computers are deterministic, then it can easily be stated that computers don't do bad things. People using computers doing stupid things leads to computers doing bad or stupid things. So shame on you stupid people!

That said, in the case of Joe, do you think he should be punished or should you simply investigate the computer intrusion and ban the internet? Do your intrusion investigations lead to investigation of the people using the computer and ban them from procreating? Is Joe the Witness, the Perpetrator, or the Victim? What's your decision making process? What is the square root of 4 billion 500 thousand and two?

The Internet Is For Porn Song [remix] by Static

So let's say Joe hypothetically loses his job at the bank, which he does, and his car is repossessed for non-payment, his home is foreclosed for non-payment, and Joe hypothetically becomes homeless as a result, which he is. No one wants to hire a porn addicted banker! Not even McDonald's would hire such a sad sack of vermin.

He takes up the practice of HoBlogging - or hobo blogging..ie. the practice of Twittering without a nest, Googling devoid of an abode, IMing other internet hobos from the comfort of a public library, surfing for porn outside of your element.

How would this impact the world of social networking?

Why, it might mean the spread of information such as this:

How Not To Get A Job

Vice presidents and Personnel Directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees:

* A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
* Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
* Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.
* Candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.
* Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
* Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.
* Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
* Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
* Candidate brought large dog to interview.
* Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
* Candidate dozed off during interview.

The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates:

* "What is it that you people do at this company?"
* "What is the company motto?"
* "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
* "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
* "Why do you want references?"
* "Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
* "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
* "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
* "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
* "Does your health insurance cover pets?"
* "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
* "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
* "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
* "Why am I here?"

Also included are a number of unusual statements made by candidates during the interview process:

* "I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement."
* "At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking."
* "I feel uneasy indoors."
* "Sometimes I feel like smashing things."
* "Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars."
* "I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington."
* "I get excited very easily."
* "Once a week, I usually feel hot all over."
* "I am fascinated by fire."
* "I like tall women."
* "Whenever a man is with a woman, he is usually thinking about sex."
* "People are always watching me."
* "If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back."
* "Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct."
* "I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker."
* "I never get hungry."
* "I know who is responsible for most of my troubles."
* "If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival."
* "I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me."
* "My legs are really hairy."
* "I think I'm going to throw up."

These quotes are taken from real résumés and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine. (Note: all typographical errors, etc., are as intended.)

* "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
* "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
* "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
* "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
* "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial instutions."
* "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
* "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
* "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
* "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
* "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
* "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
* "Marital Status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
* "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
* "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
* "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
* "My goal is be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokeridge."
* "I procrastinate, especally when the task is unpleasant."
* "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
* "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
* "Instrumental is ruining entire organization for a Midwest Chain store."
* "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
* "Marital Status: often. Children: various."
* "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employess get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
* "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
* "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
* "References: none. I've left a path of descruction behind me."

OR

How Not To Get A Job
And Become A HoBlogging Internet Pornographic SEO Internet Marketing Guru Instead

* Go to a local public library
* Get on the internet
* Sign up for a free email account at Yahoo/Google etc.
* Sign up for a free account at Blogger/Wordpress, etc.
* Write like crazy
*Spam the fuck out of it at social networking sites, etc. like there's no tomorrow
*Tomorrow do it all over again

So as you can see it is possible to have a job "HoBlogging" and make some profit if you are homeless, whether you've lost your job because of the bad economy, or lost your job through your own stupidity...either way join this emerging trend and find a new career as a HoBlogger!

"Even I can't make this shit up."

- Static
on being homeless and HoBlogging