Christmas card arrives 93 years late

This is the ultimate story of "Oops! Wha-happened?" by the USPS. It should be showcased on 'Sick Sad World' if it were a reality tv series. But enough of my sarcastic commentary. Nah, just kidding.

Fri Dec 14, 10:35 PM ET Courtesy of: Associated Press
OBERLIN, Kan. - A postcard featuring a color drawing of Santa Claus and a young girl was mailed in 1914, but its journey was slower than Christmas. It just arrived in northwest Kansas.
(And this is news how exactly? Talk about snail mail. I could probably walk, no... crawl my mail across town faster than it takes to mail it in my teeny tiny area on any given average day.)

The Christmas card was dated Dec. 23, 1914, and mailed to Ethel Martin of Oberlin, apparently from her cousins in Alma, Neb.

It's a mystery where it spent most of the last century, Oberlin Postmaster Steve Schultz said. "It's surprising that it never got thrown away," he said. "How someone found it, I don't know."
(That's such a relief to know how it was "found" by "someone"... perhaps they were rummaging through the 'unemptied 93 year old trash bin'?)

Ethel Martin is deceased (No shit?), but Schultz said the post office wanted to get the card to a relative.
(That's a nice sentiment Schultz. It's the thought that counts, 93 years late is better than never. It may have been Ethel's only contact with her relatives in years and likely dozens if not hundreds of your postal representatives were too drunk or too dense to use a map & realise that Kansas is a far cry from Illinois.)

That's how the 93-year-old relic ended up with Bernice Martin, Ethel's sister-in-law. She said she believed the card had been found somewhere in Illinois.
(I'm just surprised it didn't end up in Canada, ok... bad geography joke. Nevermind the spell check joke then.)

"That's all we know," she said. "But it is kind of curious. We'd like to know how it got down there."
(Honestly, so would I. I'm sure most people who read this national story would. In fact someone out there reading it was probably thinking, "I should have sent my x-mas present MUCH sooner". But some things will continue to remain a mystery, like Bigfoot, the Lochness Monster, if Elvis is still alive and the secret ingredient(s) in Crispy Creme Donuts.)

The card was placed inside another envelope with modern postage for the trip to Oberlin — the one-cent postage of the early 20th century wouldn't have covered it, Martin said.
(Oh, dear, you mean "someone" had to splurge after 93 years and come up with the other .40 cents for postage & "handling"? What will they ever do now, how will their kids go to college? Oh my gawd, dear lord in heaven, it's a miracle! ...that the post office has delivered any mail correctly since.)

"We don't know much about it," she said. "But wherever they kept it, it was in perfect shape."
(Hmm, looks like somebody is on Santa's Naughty List this year. And for once it's not me.)

The Writers Guild Strike

Imagine if the Writers Guild of America strike continues and they just pull in average Janes and Joes off the street to write episodes for our favorite shows?

This is what it might be like:

Steve Carell in a unanimous decision will be written out of future episodes of "The Office". He will inform staff he's unable to report to work because he is suffering from “enlarged balls.” I can't wait to try this one at work.....

"House" will get a new character called "Dr. Doom and Gloom", who will be twice the sourpuss Dr. Gregory House is. His trademark will include informing patients that they only have six months to live after they've been examined and found to just have the common cold.

"Desperate Housewives" stars will find their characters having multiple orgies with each other. They will murder/suicide each other off one character at a time until there are none. The show will then consist of three weeks of static until it is taken off the air.

The final episode of "Lost" will be written by Polish and German street performers who will give a very interesting take on what it really means to be "Lost"--the fact that the survivors of "Lost" will be found! ...On a tiny island 5 miles off the coast of Tasmania. Segue to a horrendous polka musical version of the entire series of "Lost" that will be re-enacted in 30 seconds, followed by a tedious three hour recap of this episode.

Late Night shows like "Conan", "The Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno", and others will be written by homeless persons handpicked off the streets of L.A., who despite being drunk, strung out on drugs, or in some cases criminally insane, will condense all the shows with the same scripts. They will tell the same jokes, have the same skits, and in some cases even the same guests--including broadcasting unknowns via webcam in N.Y. to shows in L.A. and vice versa. Yes, none of it will make sense. Leno/Conan/Kimmel's opening lines every night will consist of "Why did the chicken cross the road?" and "Yo momma so ugly" jokes.

"Heroes" will turn into a pornographic version where all characters on the show use their powers to get "jiggy with it". The catch phrase "Save the cheerleader, save the world" will be replaced by "Screw the cheerleader, screw everyone and everything in sight". Of course certain sectors of the general public will be intrigued by this turn of events--and will actually tune in--making "Heroes" a once again never ending go nowhere popular series.

The "Daily Show" will be written only once a month thus becoming "The Monthly Show"...

"Battlestar Galactica" will start featuring characters and re-enacting scenes from "Star Wars", "Star Trek", and "Doctor Who". The Wookies will destroy the Cylons and the Klingons will kill everyone.


Or maybe we'll all just be stuck watching "Knightrider" and "Walker: Texas Ranger" reruns?



Comic Billy Eichner talks to people on the street about the ongoing writers strike.

The Fifth Element = Blonde Bimbo Lesson

Bimbo (def) per Urban Dictionary:
A girl who is not so bright, wears lots of make up and is obsessed with boys, shopping and clothes. Generally blonde but there are exceptions.
You can spot them because they will be the big group of girls that all look the same and are giggling hysterically.
Woman who is not attractive enough to be a model, not intelligent enough to be an actress, and not nice enough to be a poisonous snake.
A bread brand that has been discovered on holiday in spain...can also be found in south america.

What can we learn from a bimbo?

Watch the outtakes around 3:40, it speaks volumes.



A totally unrelated topic:
I wonder what the meaning behind the word "jactitation" is?

Truth be known, I might have been a straight 'A' student if I had more teachers like her... nah! I wouldn't have gotten any work done. I would have been in a constant state of jactitation.

It Takes All Kinds

Little Rock, AR - Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and hit a tree near Cotton Plant on State Highway 38 early one Monday morning.

Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock were listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center.

The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a cat-gigging trip. (Note to city slickers, cat-gigging, or cat-sticking, is how, armed with a small pitchfork), you catch cats from the bayou bank.

Cats make a tasty supper.. ? . . . apparently.

On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column.

Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White river Bridge.

After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right
testicle.

The vehicle swerved sharply to the right, exiting the pavement and striking the tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.

"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off or we might now be dead!" said Wallis.

"I've been a trooper for I0 years in this part of the world," said Deputy Snyder, "but this is a first for me. I cant believe that those two would admit how the accident happened."

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavina, Poole's wife, asked how many cats the boys had caught, and did anyone think to get them from the truck.

"True" story. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

World-wide hops shortage, sucks for beer drinkers

According to a recent NPR broadcast there is a world hops shortage.
The report clearly outlines harbingers of the apocalypse!


World-wide hops shortage = bad times for beer drinkers

Nooooooooooooo!

Thanks to what I can only assume are a series of "global warming" calamities- Australian drought, European hail storms and American heat- the world supply of hops is at an all-time low. Enter the grim arithmetic: you need hops to make beer. When you run out of hops, you run out of beer. And the existing beer gets way more expensive. As much as 10 per cent more expensive, in fact.

Conclusion: all kinds of bad news.

Apparently, brewers may have to discontinue certain kinds of beer, and look for hops alternatives to continue making others. Brian Titus, president of Halifax’s Garrison Brewing Company, had this to say:

“It’s bordering on disastrous actually. If you don’t have hops then you don’t have beer. So maybe you find something that smells similar but doesn’t have the same taste profile and it doesn’t have the same bitterness.”

In other words, find something that tastes nothing like beer. Super duper.

Nunc Scio Labs reports that development of my own hops substitute, Faux-Hops or ‘Fops’, is proceeding apace. However, roll-out is being complicated by a trademark lawsuit launched by the “Mincing 17th Century Pantaloon-wearing Dandy Enthusiasts” club out of Salzburg, who claim to own the rights to the word Fop. Damn dandies.

Sweet, sweet hops. Thou art a cruel mistress.

If the mark of a true man is how he performs under severe duress then we are about to separate the men from the boys. Needless to say I’ll fall into the ‘cry like a schoolgirl’ type of boy.


Too bad they don't have 'global beer map' to find a cool one, it's because of those limeys in the UK where beer is cheaper than water.

Thanks Britain!