Thought For The Day No. Five

Another passing thought I had today when ol' Octomom Nadya Suleman crossed my mind momentarily.

Now that Nadya's tape of her giving birth to her octuplets will be sold to any takers offering a seven figure sum, we'll soon officially know what it's like to witness what it must be like to see a cantaloupe being tossed out of the Grand Canyon...once it's posted on the internet that is.

Ten Things God Would Die For

"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."

- Stephen King

Mar 05, 2009

Retardeau, France (Krapsody)- A flashback to an article I published last year as a guest blogger on the now defunct Cult of Qelqoth. I examined what the Pope's visit to France brought in the way of spiritual enlightenment.

Is God appalled at the primitive, downright heretical, nature of our prayers? Does God truly have mercy on us? Will God save humanity once again? These questions and more have finally been answered here - your direct port to the Almighty.

Short Term Meme-ory

In some kind of weird game of "you're it", I've been tagged. It's true. In the spirit of blogging and internet memes, I'd completely forgotten for many months now that I was bestowed with more awards for my handiwork as a blogger than I could shake a sharp pointy stick at.

It's easy to forget things like this when you have near absolute chaos going on in your life, and when said sharp pointy stick has pierced your brain's left frontal lobe because you've tripped over everything in your path.

I'm such a klutz. Good thing I didn't run with the scissors on this occasion.

But gosh, so much has happened in the last six months, such as...


well, sitting around in my underwear all day eating Cheese Doodles and thinking up stupid stuff to write about.

While it does appear that I must -- as one person has said -- "sit around in [my] underwear all day eating Cheese Doodles and thinking up stupid [stuff]" -- they were, in fact, correct. How else would I come up with this stupid stuff to write about?

It's a difficult job, and I need lots of brain food (which is where the Cheese Doodles come in.)

Of course when it comes to writing so much stupid stuff, I must inform that it's an ongoing effort, and quite demanding as you could imagine. IMAGINE IT, I say.

I'll give you a moment to visualize me sitting and lying around in my underwear eating Cheese Doodles...trying to come up with stupid stuff to write about...

Y'know honestly, coming up with this much stupid stuff in itself does take LOTS of time and dedication. I publish slightly amusing articles I suppose. My collection of "innocuously humorous ruminations on life, love and dumb stuff" could almost be a full-time job in some respects.

But it's not, thank the stars, because I already have a full-time job and I also go to school full-time and I do have to eat, sleep, and practice good personal hygiene at some point in my career as a stupid stuff writer.

So I can't always take the time to write for your reading pleasure, not that I write for your reading pleasure exclusively. Much too busy to try to do that. If I can chuckle about my musings, then I'm sure others would chuckle about it too. Good 'nuff for me.

To be quite honest, I am also unable to follow the guidelines for acceptance of the following awards. But I accept them anyway!

I am all for spreading the love, but I am way too bow-legged and have too much going on to pass these on to another blogger. Frankly, I think there are a lot of great bloggers out there that deserve these awards, so it wouldn't feel fair to give them to just a few of my favorites.

I prefer to drop comments on my favorite blogger's pages when I can. For me, that's how I show I care. Because I care, just like a kid lost in a candy store...mostly.


First and foremost, I rang in the new year with The Helping Hand Award from Survivor at I DON'T GIVE A BLEEP. According to Survivor, I am a sick, sick man and my humor is irreverent and just plan crazy.

I thank you for your comments and the gesture, Survivor.

I shall visit you at your office one day soon, with a box-full of infomercials you could give a bleep about. Then I will proceed to strip naked and run about your office screaming at the top of my lungs that you touched me inappropriately. What better way to thank a fan?



Tamera Daun of Pentad: Simplifying Life and Love, dropped this award on me back in September. Yes!!! that long ago..I feel like an ass. And my ass thanks you too.



I'm not only brilliant according to this award, I'm brillante!
I'd like to thank the academy, Gawd and all my followers (3 in total). And most of all thank you Pentad, for sticking with me through think 'n thin, sickness and health, forever and ever amen.

The rules for this one were also requiring that I pass it on. Once again, apologies. I just have too much to do. But I thank you all the same.


Coincidentally, Chris Upp of The Lost News also dropped the same award on me back in September. So thank you also Chris! I wish I could return the favor, would you like some Cheese Doodles?



Going back to JULY last year (that's July of 2008 for you folks who may have forgotten it is now 2009), Damo at Angry Clown dropped the Arte Y Pico Award on my foot, which left me with a severe limp, but that's okay since I already had a limp - because of my unusually large club foot!

Oh, I am an ass. Truly, I am. Many apologies for the long and overdue thank yous.







Finally, the brilliant and always funny, Lobo over at Predator Press was so kind as to give me The 2008 Absolute Bestest Incomprehensive Awards Ceremony Ever Held By Predator Press in the History of Humanity! Award.



However, he didn't really give it to me, I gave it to myself. Well, he said we were all winners when he handed it out last year, and frankly, I was tired of feeling like I was a loser.

But I do have all these fine write-ups to inflate my ego (which is already quite immense despite my self-deprecating remarks.)

I must not suck all that bad for the recognition I have received from such wonderful folks in the blogosphere. But seeings as I haven't recognized the latest awards until now...I guess this means the long rumored all-expenses-paid trip to Vegas isn't forthcoming.

And I guess this also means I should take it as a sign that my career in show business won't be taking off either. My already-small role in "The Lance Armstrong Story" is being trimmed in favor of more shots of a cancerous testicle. And so I bid you adieu until next time.

If You Have Any Poo, Please Fling It Now

"Honey, Have You Seen My Anti Monkey Butt Powder? I Sense a Powerful Chafing Coming On."
- An Ephemerist Blogger

Sat Feb. 21, 2009

STAMFORD, Conn. (Krapsody) – I just took a big dump. Nothing in the world feels better. Really, I know it's gross and probably too much information for you, but that's just how I feel.

And in other news if you hadn't heard about this yet, a chimp ripped some chicks face off, apparently for having a new hairstyle. It must of been a really bad one to piss off a chimp loaded on Xanax. Or maybe the chimp wasn't doped up on Xanax at all, maybe he was just high on life. You'll have to read more of this story to find out...you're in for one hell of a rant.

In Stamford, Connecticut a drug-crazed celebrity chimp was stabbed and shot to death after he mauled a woman's friend nearly to death on Monday Feb 16. Truly a sad tale of a chimp going "bananas" on a lady's face. Turns out the woman who owned the attacking chimp is bananas as well.

Sandra Herold, a 70-year-old widow whose daughter was killed in a car accident several years ago, kept a chimpanzee named Travis as a pet.

Herold said in an interview aired Wednesday morning on NBC's "Today" show that she gave Travis the anti-anxiety drug Xanax in some tea less than five minutes before he attacked her friend Charla Nash, 55 — even showing a reporter the mug.

Travis appeared in TV commercials for Old Navy and Coca-Cola when he was younger, and at home he was treated like a member of the family. A family friend said Herold fed the chimp steak, lobster, ice cream and Italian food. That was one spoiled chimp.

Police have said Herold told them that she gave Travis the chimp Xanax that had not been prescribed for him earlier on Monday to calm him because he had been agitated.

Later Herold told the AP the chimp "was my life" and changed her admission that she gave him any drug, stating she "never, never, never" gave the chimp Xanax. "He [Travis] never had anything but love."

Herold also claimed she loved the now-departed pet chimpanzee Travis like a son, but friends claim their relationship might have been more like that of lovers, The New York Post reports that in addition to Sandra and Travis sharing filet mignon, lobster tails, and wine, "They bathed and slept together. He tenderly brushed her hair. She gave him gifts and sweet kisses. He drew her pictures."

In other words, "Love is a drug, and I am higher than a giraffe's ass."?

And even if they weren't "intimate intimate," they were intimate, Sandra's unnamed intimates intimated.

Only in New England folks!

Herold speculated that Travis was being protective of her when he attacked Nash, who she said was driving a different car, wearing a new hairstyle and holding an Elmo stuffed toy in front of her face as a present to the chimp.

"She had the toy in front of her. This was just a freak thing," Herold said.

I'll tell you what the freak thing is here, having a chimp for a pet.

"It was the most horrible thing that could ever happen," she said.

Authorities are trying to determine why the chimp, a veteran of TV commercials who could dress himself, drink wine from a glass and use the toilet, suddenly attacked. A test for rabies was negative, Stamford police said.

Nash had gone to Herold's home in Stamford on Monday to help her coax the chimp back into the house after he got out.

After the initial attack, Travis ran away and started roaming Herold's property. An officer shot the chimp several times after it opened the door to his cruiser and started to get in.

Maybe he just wanted to go for a ride?

Sandra Herold, the "Pimpanzee" sounds like somebody I'd wanna hang out with... except for the owning an aggressive drug-addled primate part.

Something tells me Herold might have disrupted Travis' wiring at a very precious age. Come to think of it, I think something disrupted Sandra Herold's wiring at a very precious age. If sanity or the lack of it was criteria by which people could or could not become owners of chimpanzees, we'd all be chimps beating each other over the head with bones.

im gonna keel j0o!

According to Dr. Emil Coccaro, chief of psychiatry at the University of Chicago Medical Center, human studies with Xanax have proven to lead to aggression in people who are unstable to begin with.

seconds after this photo was taken
Cheeta the Xanax poster chimp ripped this man's head off

"Xanax could have made him worse," if human studies are any indication, Coccaro said.



The chimpanzee's rampage forced Herold a.k.a Pimpanzee, initially to pound him with a shovel. Realizing she had the biggest moment of FAIL, Herold eventually ran inside her home to call 911 and returned with a knife.

"For me to do something like that — put a knife in him — was like putting one in myself." Herold said Wednesday. "Then he turned around and [was] like, 'Mom, what did you do?'"

It certainly seems someone should have had their medication that day. And should have also had a tranquilizer gun handy...for Sandra I mean.



I wonder if Sandra Pimpanzee's knuckles get sore from being dragged around on the ground so much?

Herold's voice was filled with fear and horror in 911 tapes released by police Tuesday night.

Travis can be heard grunting as Herold cries for help:

"He's killing my friend!"

The dispatcher says, "Who's killing your friend?"

Herold replies, "My chimpanzee! He ripped her apart! Shoot him, shoot him!"

"Your chimpanzee?" the dispatcher asks in disbelief.

"Yes! Yes! Z0MG YES!" Herold cries.

(screeches and grunts heard in background)

"What's the monkey doing now?" the dispatcher asks.

Who the hell hires these 911 operators? They should be fired along with the operator who would ask such a stupid question and waste time making judgements to assess a situation, when that is really up to the police and paramedics.

What's the woman going to say? "Well..he's done ripping my friends face off now, since you've been stalling for the last five minutes. He's eating a banana and scratching himself at the moment."

So after police arrived, one officer radioed back: "There's a man down. He doesn't look good," he says, referring to the disfigured Nash. "We've got to get this guy out of here. He's got no face."

Charla Nash lost her nose, eyes and jaw. Pleasant..I imagine that was quite horrifying to a small city rookie cop who had probably never even seen blood before.

A visit to Wikipedia regarding Stamford, CT reveals: "Stamford was the ninth-safest city in the United States in 2006 and for the past six years has ranked in the top 11 safest cities with populations of 100,000 or more, according to the FBI. CNN/Money and Money magazine ranked Stamford 46th on its list of the 100 Best Places to Live in the United States."

Unless you have a friend who owns an aggressive chimp.

Doctors at Stamford Hospital said Wednesday that it took four teams of hand specialists, plastic surgeons, specialists in orthopedics, and ophthalmology more than seven hours to stabilize Nash, who made slight progress but remained in critical condition.

Police have said they are looking into the possibility of criminal charges. A pet owner who knew or should have known that an animal was a danger to others can be held criminally responsible.

I have to wonder does Herold feel any remorse or sorrow for her friend's predicament? So far, unless the media hasn't released any additional comments yet, Herold said Nash is a close friend but seems to have only made comments about her beloved chimp.



A defect in Connecticut's laws allowed Herold to keep the chimp in her home, probably illegally. There are rules requiring large primates to be registered by the state, but officials have some discretion in enforcing them and violations carry only minor penalties. Connecticut officials are seeking laws banning potentially dangerous exotic animals.

Primate experts say chimpanzees are unpredictable and dangerous even after living among humans for years. Herold rejected criticism that they are inappropriate pets.

"It's a horrible thing, but I'm not a horrible person and he's not a horrible chimp." she said.

The Crazy Chimp Lady Plot Thickens

As authorities consider criminal charges and the possibility of a lawsuit, Herold backtracked Wednesday on whether she gave the animal the anti-anxiety drug Xanax. She told The Associated Press that she never gave the drug to her 14-year-old chimp, Travis.

However, Herold said in that interview mentioned earlier that she gave Travis the drug in some tea less than five minutes before he attacked Nash, even showing the reporter and viewers the mug, given to him, once again, to calm him because he was "agitated". A necropsy on Travis' body had been performed, but results won't be available for weeks.

That's nice. Could you imagine lying to get out of any responsibility if your dog mangled your friend's face? Who needs friends with enemies like that? I think there are millions of witnesses to her remark that she in fact slipped him a mickey.

Obviously, after Herold heard that Xanax could be the reason why Travis flipped and nearly killed her friend, it's got the woman trying to get out of any wrongdoing.

Lest we forget another woman has come forward claiming Travis attacked her years ago. Leslie Mostel-Paul says she tried shaking Travis' hand, when the chimp tried pulling her through a car window into the car and bit her hand.

Meanwhile, an animal control officer, Lynn DellaBianca, as quoted in that article said she spoke to Herold in 2003 after Travis escaped and frolicked into traffic.

DellaBianca, who ran Stamford's animal shelter at the time, said she warned Herold that the pet's behavior could be a problem.

"Certainly my concern was for public safety," DellaBianca told The AP. "Male chimpanzees, once they reach maturity, can be aggressive. I'm sure I did express that to her."

Herold said she expected to eventually have to give up the chimp, DellaBianca said.

"She did say that herself. She knew someone day he would probably have to go to a sanctuary," DellaBianca said. "She knew chimpanzees, they can get more difficult to handle as they get older."


Krapsody primate behavioral expert, Dubious Monk examines the evidence in this case and came to the following conclusions:

"Are Wild Animals Dangerous?!" Dubious yelled, "No. Not any more than crazy people are. Now feel free to smear monkey pheromones and feces all over yourself and go play with some horny gorillas."

"Gorillas are harmless. Chimpanzees however are vicious. They will smile at you, attempt to look all cute, but lurking just beneath the surface is a monster, waiting..LURKING! Chimpanzees will rip your god-damned face off!!!!"

Bottom line is: Chimps are dangerous! Hello?! Big red truck!
For proof watch a video captured of a chimp beating a man nearly to death simply for wearing Sponge Bob pajamas. LINK

Also watch a horrifying clip of the Bloodthirsty Carpet Monkey claiming his victims!


The famous Steve Irwin also had a warning about chimpanzees. Here is a transcript of a PSA he gave a number of years ago.

"Dear World,

Koalas Chimpanzees are dangerous.

k thx bye!

p.s. don’t let them gnaw on your arm for more than 24 hours DON'T offer them bananas with your bare hand, I know this because I made that mistake. Crikey!

Love,

Steve Irwin"

Experts, including Steve Irwin have stated there are ways to avoid chimp attacks as follows:


Drink a couple gallons of monkey pee before your encounter with a chimpanzee



Wear revolutionary Chimp Warfare clothing - which differs greatly from Gorilla Warfare

(more on Gorilla Warfare here)


Act ganksta around a chimp
krunk is showin' you is rollin' in mad bills yo




Don't attempt this at home: K-Fed is not gangsta - he's a Douchebag!


Up until this point we've heard the cons against owning a monkey.

Here are 9 reasons why you should own a monkey:

Monkeys. They're awesome. You don't really need a list of reasons to own a monkey, but in case you're curious, here are nine very important ones to consider.

1. Drinking Buddy
Banana liquor -- there's a reason bars serve it. But monkey isn't picky either. He'll drink his own urine if given the chance. If you thought your monkey was funny before, wait until he's dancing on the bar to "Fergalicious" after his tenth shot of Jaeger. The bad part is you'll probably be picking up the tab. Totally worth it though.





2. Designated Driver
If movies from the 80's taught us anything, it's that monkeys can drive (and give the finger). Is a cop going to give a monkey a ticket? I mean, who'd believe him? After a long night of drinking, monkey will probably be the better driver anyway, so give him the keys and fasten your safety belt, because it's going to be a thrill-ride no matter where you're going.





3. Childcare
I've never opened the newspaper to read about some Momma monkey leaving her baby inside a car in 100 degree weather. Never once have I seen an evening news piece about a Daddy monkey being thrown in the back of a cop car while a baby monkey is sent away with Child Protective Services. Monkeys love their children and -- since most babies seem to resemble little, hairless primates -- I'm sure your monkey would take to your infant as if it was his or her own. It's up to you when it comes to breaking your children of poo-flinging, though.





4. Blame
They are always saying that you can't blame an animal for the things it does. For its instincts. Monkeys make the perfect fall guy for your everyday screw-ups. No one gets mad at the monkey. Spilled something? Monkey did it! Ate the last slice of pizza? Monkey did it! Slept with your bosses' wife? Monkey did it! Twice. Who farted? I think we know the answer.





5. Two Players
With a monkey you'll always have a second player for anything you choose to do. Monkeys love all games. And, truthfully, you hate losing, so having a monkey as a second player should give you an easy win every time unless you've foolishly chosen something that involves trees and/or vines.







6. Your Girlfriend's Cat
A monkey will easily solve that problem.









7. Backup
Monkeys are loyal. If you've got beef with someone, monkey's got beef with someone, and he will fight to the death to protect you. How many of your boys would do the same? Plus, monkeys have thumbs and that'll come in handy when it's time to draw down on some punk bitches who dare to roll through your hood.






8. Wingman
You know the situation. You're at the bar and you glance at this hottie in the corner hanging with her ugly friends. One of your bros might say, "Dude. Screw you pal, I ain't jumping on that grenade, but not monkey. Monkey doesn't mind taking one for the team. In fact, monkey prefers ladies with extra body hair.





9. Revenge
No one suspects the monkey. Monkeys don't have criminal records and there will be no cross-examining of the witness. There are no records of monkey fingerprints and a police line-up would be pointless. You can safely have your monkey kill your enemies


The "9 Reasons List.." was brought to you by Top10Kid.com

Happy Valentine's Day

"Good morning to you, valentine
Curl your locks as I do mine--
Two before and three behind.
Good morning to you, valentine."

- children of Rome regarding
the celebration of Lupercalia

Here's a post that will likely curl your hair, or your toes, and/or both. I wanted to take a moment to wish all of you and yours a Happy Belated Valentine's Day. It's generally a day all men forget about until the last minute, much like birthdays, anniversaries, and the annual changing of our shorts.

So in my mad scramble to get to the store for an overpriced bouquet of wilted flowers I ran over **ahem** I mean into, INTO Cupid at Walmart.. and Cupid says hi!

Well, I nearly ran over him. It was kind of hard not to since he was crawling like a snail through the crosswalk. I stopped and apologized for nearly killing him, and in hopes of not getting sued I offered to buy him lunch at a local sandwich joint. Luckily for me, he took me up on the offer.

Heaven Love is never being full!

The romantic image of St.Valentine inspires love and flatulence throughout the world each Valentine's Day. How’d I get a picture of Cupid you ask? Well despite his size, he’s actually quite fast. When he wants to be. And usually he’s naked. Not that I would know anything about that. But since he’s been on a ‘burger’ only diet, he has slowed down a notch or two..enough for me to get this photo as proof positive the guy exists.

Apparently, his new diet has given him bowel problems and has affected people’s love lives as a result. I mean look at him...SHEESH. The J-Geils Band wasn't kidding when they said, "Love Stinks...yeah, yeah!"

Kee-rist Jesus and all his bastard children. His arse looks bigger than all the fat arses on the planet piled together at every church bakesale that has ever taken place. Hate to be the one that changes that nappy. Alls I can say is, whatever you do, don't wake up the sleeping beast called love.

Anyway, as I saying, Valentine's Day is a bogus example of the meaning behind the origins of the holiday.

I mean love is a great thing, don't get me wrong. But I believe everyday should be Valentine's Day. And not the cheesy "bring home diamonds, boxes of chocolate and cards" day. I mean showing a real display of affection for the one you love. Like showering them with K-Y Jelly and rubbing your naked body all over them.

And if the one you love looks like this:



Well, then...never mind.

Valentine's Day (also known as V-Day) signals the start of the human mating season. Around this day, females of the human race release a hormone, attracting males from all over. This hormone may make males irritable, often causing them to compete for their desired female by working themselves into a frenzy of shopping. The male will exchange gifts with the female and often invite them out on a date. Woe to the male who forgets or ignores this holiday, for the infamous Hallmark curse will cause him to break up with his significant other, should he have one, or cause him to be branded "unromantic" for life.

My other reasons for choosing this "holy" day to mock were more complex. You read it right. I mean for instance, do you know the real history behind V-Day?

No, I don't mean the traditional concept of the holiday.
I mean the history of the real Valentine's Day that is celebrated on February 14th annually and is associated with lovers, sweethearts or people who have an attraction to another, exchanging overpriced greeting cards and/or gifts as a symbol of their affection. The history behind this day did not start out as such.

Back in the time of ancient Rome, the 14th of February was seen as holiday to honour Juno, the Queen of Roman Gods and Goddesses. The following day marking what the Romans classed as the Ides of February (mid-February) a feast marked the celebration of heathen Gods in a feast called Lupercalia. It too was classed as a holiday and was a celebration that honoured the founders of Rome, twin brother Romulus and Remus and also the Gods, Luper and Faunus.

Legend has it that Romulus and Remus were supposedly suckled by wolves in a cave on the Palantine Hill in the city of Rome and the cave was called the Lupercal. The hill and cave were used as the centre of the Lupercalia ceremonies and the priests of Lupercus would perform a pagan ceremony at the cave. And that random act is the reason why men ever since have continued chasing breasts like a bunch of wolf teat suckling rubes.

Okay, that historical myth is the Valentine's origin I am referring to. Try to keep up would ya?!

You plebeians sometimes remind me of a bunch of stoned hippies living in a commune. P-yoo, dirty hippies with the attention span of a gnat! Or was that just me?

Back to the historical tale...The priests of Lupercalia would dress in goatskins and sacrifice goats and a dog. They would then smear themselves with sacrificial blood prior to running around the hillside carrying a goatskin thong called a Februa (meaning: means of purification).

a modern re-enactment of the priests of Lupercalia in their goatskin thongs

Women from around the city who wished for fertility and easy childbirth would come and place themselves around the hill so that the priests could hit them with the Februa. Come to think of it, that still sounds like a great idea in theory.

Let's see you try to slap this woman

It is from Februa that the name of the month of February is derived. Duh! Are ya still with me?

Along with this part of the Lupercalia, the priests would also play 'cupid' with the young men and women of the city by having the girls write down their names and place them in a box from which the young men would select a name and that woman would then be his partner for either the duration of the feast, for the year or even for life. A "love lottery" if you will. Pretty deranged thinking, eh?

It must be noted that the lives of young girls and boys in ancient Rome were strictly separate, hence this was a way for them to interact. No wonder they couldn't wait to hump like rabbits. Everyone's thoughts were clouded by emotions and their hormones going insane in anticipation of sex.

Aww, this is all so romantic...

One way to be romantic

Although Lupercalia was celebrated on the 15th which the Romans classed as the middle of the month, realistically the 14th is the middle of February as the month has 28 days apart from during a Leap year.

Another slant on the origins of Valentine's Day stems from the fact that St. Valentine died on February 14th, 269 AD St. Valentine was a Roman who was martyred for refusing to give up Christianity. In 469 AD, Pope Gelasuis set aside February 14th to honor St. Valentine.

St. Valentine lived under the rule of Emperor Claudius II. The Emperor found that his army numbers were lacking due to many Roman men not wanting to leave their wives or families to serve and die for some ruthless cause. Go figure. As a way to thwart this, Claudius ruled that there should be no more marriages and engagements in Rome EVAR.

So St. Valentine used to secretly perform marriage ceremonies and when found out, he was sentenced to death by decapitation after being slapped into a fit of hyterics with a goatskin thong. Cruel and unusual punishment for a man who simply wanted to unite people in the name of lust..I mean love.

The church is sometimes vilified for its Lupercalian edits. It found the love lottery unacceptable, as well as the Luperci. But rather than ban the fete outright, it tried assimilation.

First, the love lottery was replaced with a "high-minded" version, where each man drew a saint instead of a girl and was invited to emulate that saint throughout the year. This custom is sometimes observed today. Imagine drawing Saint Hubert of Liege the patron Saint of Mad Dogs, St Isidore of Seville the patron Saint of the Internets, St Polycarp the patron Saint against Dysentery, or St Fiacre the patron Saint of Sexually Transmitted Disease!

Then the purification aspect (the thong slapping) was re-clothed in a feast of the Purification of the Virgin Mary, scheduled for early February. As for fertility magic, the church dodged this altogether, although one can see traces of the purifying and "greening" impulse in the spirit and chapel decorations of Lent and the regular raping of choir boys.

As for the fourteenth of February, the church dedicated the day to the Christian martyr, Valentine. Contrary to the sugared rumors that have sprung up around him (or more accurately, them -- there were several St. Valentines), the saint almost certainly had nothing to do with love or romance.

Over time, this date became synonymous with exchanging love notes and messages and St. Valentine became the patron saint of lovers.

How does Cupid fit into all of this?

Cupid is just some guy who made up his whole entire persona. Like me, he has been doing his insidious work in a village not far from Tijuana, Mexico.

Now of course the popular image of Cupid is that he is a cute, boyish figure who roams the valleys with a bow and arrow. It was true at one time that he had a rather boyish figure, but as you can clearly see he's gained some weight and aged a bit lately. He's considering botox and The Jenny Craig Weight-Loss Program to shed a few years and pounds.

And yes he also does own a bow and arrow – several of them in fact. He also has laser guided "love missles" in his arsenal. Cupid has done a good job of misinformation regarding this popular conception. His Weapons of Mass Destruction are said to be hidden in Iraq somewhere. But we have not found them...yet.

Cupid is a sinister little demon. He trained for his unique role thousand of years ago by running up and down the side of the universe backwards while chanting the table of elements in Pentecostal languages. He is a malevolent personality with a comic taste rooted in the macabre and the esoteric. All of which makes for a really great story.

Well it could have been a great story, the trouble is that when I sent Cupid to that shop and realized that he was just a scammer. I smoked his ass while he was chowing down on his vegetable soup and garlic bread. In cold blood. No messing around - bullet in the brain.

So, Valentine's Day is not necessarily readily associated with love as can be seen from the pagan rituals that were a part of the feast of Lupercalia or the enigmatic character that was Cupid.

However, the fact that St. Valentine died for his beliefs in fanning the flames of love by encouraging people to hump like rabbits, gives the day a deeper meaning.

I, for one, would prefer to remember this day to reflect on how I smoked Cupid.

So in conclusion I have one last request, will you be my Valentine?