On March 3rd in London, a Polish building contractor after being caught in the act with a vacuum cleaner claimed he was cleaning his underpants with Henry Hoover when he was found naked and on his knees in a hospital's staff canteen.
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Apparently this is the face that inspired nasty thoughts |
The worker was supposed to be locking up the building site near the Great Ormond Street Children's Hospital when a stunned security guard discovered him in the middle of a "compromising act" with the cleaner, literally on his knees canoodling with the hose end of a Henry Hoover vacuum which has a large smiley face painted on its front and a hose protruding from its "nose". Shouting in polish, "yes, suck it!" the worker suddenly realizing he had been busted, came up with the unusual excuse.
The security guard, suitably horrified according to
the Telegraph, knew that something was off
and told the man to "clean himself and the hoover"
(ad lib. "kindly remove your Flying Purple People Eater
from the vacuum hose and get the hell outta here")
before asking him to leave and informing his employers.
When later questioned by his employers, the man said he was vacuuming his underpants, which was "a common practice in Poland". Of course the people of Poland were outraged by his excuse. A mixed mob of angry and hysterically laughing poles gathered outside the British Embassy in Krakow. One man stated, "This is only done when someone shits their pants, which this man clearly had not done. This is an outrage!"
click to enlarge
The man's employers at HG Construction, were quoted, "That behaviour is not acceptable, though it gave a few people a laugh. Okay, it gave everyone a laugh and will continue to, so long as it is broadcast on every news station and printed in every newspaper worldwide!". The worker has since been fired. The man is now suing for sexual harassment and discrimination against homosexual Henry Hoover vacuum cleaner relations. Giving a new meaning to the old saying, "He who laughs last, gets to clean the vacuum".
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Henry Hoover is
described on ShowerRite's website as "famous for its looks, but under its fascia lies a powerful, reliable vacuum cleaner ready to go time and time again." Apparently they didn't realize the sexual innuendo of that statement. And at
£118.60 or $238.88, that's
alot of bang for your buck (no pun intended).
But guess what? This guy is not the only freak caught doing the nasty with an inanimate object. No! Bizarre sex crimes involving inanimate objects seem to be a trend lately.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in
Wiltshire, U.K. for allegedly
simulating a sex act with a lamp-post. When they arrived they arrested him on suspicion of outraging public decency.
A police spokesman said officers were called to a road in the town of
Westbury on February 16 after they received a report of a man acting indecently outside a block of flats "occupied by several young women". Released on bail the man was recalled for questioning following an investigation into the incident after several interviews with witnesses - including children. He has since been re-released pending further inquiries. The lamp post declined to press charges.
Last year, 51-year-old Robert Stewart was placed on probation for three years after being
caught trying to have sex with a bicycle. When it's implied that he was trying, I can only assume the bicycle wasn't cooperating.
Naked from the waist down, two cleaners at the
Aberley House Hostel in south west Scotland walked in on him and he paused only to ask, "What is it, hen?", before continuing to "move his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex". The court was told that alcohol was the cause of his problems. Along with extreme perversion and
pedalphilia (look it up, if it doesn't exist then they haven't added it yet).
In 1993, Karl Watkins, an electrician, was jailed for having sex with pavements in Redditch, Worcs. He was quoted as saying, "Copulating with electrical outlets was much too shocking."
Also in history, heinous commiters of sex with inanimate objects included Ronald McDonald, who admitted bonking soft serve ice cream dispensers in various McDonald's restaurants, giving a whole new meaning to "Where's the beef?".
Karl Marx, used to romp with farming equipment, which is the real reason leading up to his expulsion from Belgium in 1848.
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