Gov. Eliot Spitzer Tells All

Federal agents have determined New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer used a high-priced call-girl ring at least eight times in recent months, agents had him under surveillance twice this year which led up to his getting caught. This lurid sex scandal ends the brash, ambitious career of New York's governor. On March 12, 2008 the disgraced politician stepped down, saying, "I did not live up to what was expected of me", and he cannot allow his "private failings to disrupt the public's work." His resignation as governor of New York is effective on March 17.

But the clues to his demise go years back. Gov. Spitzer gave an exclusive interview with Krapsody reporter Dubious Monk giving you an inside look into this recent scandal.


Dubious Monk: If you haven't heard by now, Eliot Spitzer the Governor of New York was caught with his tailored trousers down in a little prostitution probe. Although whom was probing whom and with what is still not clear. Once describing himself as a political "steamroller." In the end this proud politician appears to have only crushed himself. Thank you for joining us today Gov. Spitzer!

Gov. Spitzer: Thank you, Dubious.

Dubious Monk: The people of New York and the entire country would like to know why you spent taxpayers money on high-priced call-girls and not $5.00 prostitutes like every other politician? Can you shed any light on why you would do such a thing and where your morals were at the time when you thought you could get away with such inconceivable actions?

Gov. Spitzer: Everyone should know by now that in order to succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles, by throwing them out the window. Frankly, I just wanted to relieve my "blue balls". Can you blame a guy? Just because I held a public office and declared I was against common citizens and other officials engaging in illicit sex with street walkers, old ladies, gay boys, or call-girls at these sex clubs doesn't mean I don't like doing that too. I got bored with internet porn and with common prostitutes, they're used goods man. Hookers hardly bathe between johns, they carry diseases and their crack habits were too much for me to bear. You have to pay for the good stuff. Since I was caught shagging it, I had to step down from my public office for partaking in an indecent act at the people's expense.

Dubious Monk: Well in fact sir, there were eight occasions that we know of where you visited the premises of these call-girls called the Emperors Club VIP.

Gov. Spitzer: Whatev. (shrugs)

Dubious Monk: And did you have to step down from your office necessarily? You talk as if there is more to the story.

Gov. Spitzer: It seemed like the best thing to do before people starting digging and snooping into my affairs more. They would have found out I liked not only high-priced call-girls, but TS, TV, and bukkake barnyard animal action too, an act I like to refer to as 'Schpitzing'. And by golly I like my spankings and getting my weiner slapped at least once a day. God Bless America.

Dubious Monk: Can you say that since you were once considered a ferocious governor who broke up several of these very same sex rings you visited, that you can still avoid possible legal repercussions and potential disbarment after a sex scandal such as this?

Gov. Spitzer: Sure, why not? Look at Pres. Bill Clinton, Dubious. He bonked more than just Monica Lewinski in the oval office I'm sure. The only difference is I chose not to lie about it and immediately stepped down from my office. I admit I visited the massage parlors, the street corner floozies and call-girls every chance I got, including on my lunch hour during the week, also after the work day was over, and on weekends when my wife thought I was golfing. I've been doing it for years! I'm a sex addict ferchrissakes. No one needs to know that. Edit that please. Besides I can just use more taxpayer money to hire the best legal defense in the country that money could buy. Edit that also.

Dubious Monk: Really now. You mock the american people, hard working honest citizens Gov. Spitzer. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Gov. Spitzer: I'm fapping it right now Dubious.

Dubious Monk: You disgust me sir.

Gov. Spitzer: That's what they all say.

Dubious Monk: You heard it here folks. Gov. Eliot Spitzer, not just a pervert, but an asshole.

Also read :

Top 10 Signs Your Husband Is Part of a High-class Prostitution Ring

Ask Static

I recently sifted through my email and amongst the thousands of spams I receive, I occasionally get the love and hate mail. Usually with subject lines such as, "Hey Static, I love you! Will you be the father of my children?" or "Hey Static, you are an irredeemably licentious cock-faced parasite and a belligerent, web-polluting tainted spawn of a syphilitic swamp hog!"

These are always wonderful inclusions and quite refreshing next to such headings as "Same meds but much cheaper", "REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE", "Make $225,000 And More Every Day!", "do you want a bigger p3n1s?" Occasionally I just get asked a variety of questions. Albeit odd questions at times. So in response to this cry for help I've decided to start my own advice column: Ask Static! Eat your heart out Ann Landers.

Predictions for 2008

Wonder what predicaments, I mean, predictions might be in the works for the year to come? Well, so do I. Here's a few to mull over.
I wanted to know what my situation at work would be this year. What better place to do that than JobPredictor.com - job agencies with a personal touch. Here's what I got.

Hey thanks for your query, I have checked out everything about you and I predict that your ideal job Static is a Village Idiot. Good luck in your new career.

Yeah, thanks. Until there is a presidential opening that job is taken. Either way I guess not much is going to change in my case then?

Look at them, Smithers. Goldbrickers.. Layabouts.. Slug-a-beds! Little do they realise their days of suckling at my teat are numbered! - Monty Burns

Where did you receive your training?' 'Yale.' 'Good, and what's your name?' 'Yim Yohnson.' - Anonymous

Since my dreams of becoming a weatherman have been crushed, I can no longer deliver predictions like -

And your future forecast says:
Chance of snow at night... a chance of morning hailstorms. Either way, it's a global warming trend you're still going to fry. 20 years from now when there's another ice age, you'll be crying it's too cold. Today's high 105F (94C). Today's low -5F (-20C). Winds out of the Northeast, South and Eastern Westerly direction at 155 to 265 mph.

Thought for today:
I'm not a real meteorologist, I just play one on the web.

Or you can just absorb these predictions instead.

In case you were planning on skipping most of 2008 in a drug-induced coma, I have taken the liberty of making some stellar predictions about the new year, designed as a sort of "Sparks Notes" for a 365 day boredom-fest. I'm pretty sure most of these predictions will come true, but if they don't you can't be all pissy about it.

January

- After a slew of pregnant celebrities finally unload their cargo, celebrity baby photos will replace the dollar in American currency. Canadians, eager to cash in on the new economic trends of their big brother to the South, will attempt to force their celebs to get pregnant and spit out kids. Sometime in March, they'll realize that Canada has precisely zero female celebrities, and will instead decide to print Looney Toons characters on the Canadian Loonies, in a cruel, sad, and decidedly unfunny development.

- After his playoff loss to the New York Giants, Cowboys' receiver Terrell Owens opens up a popcorn franchise entitled "T.O.P. C.O.R.N.", an acronym for "Terrell Owens' Pop Corn is Outstanding and Really Nice." His sales are abysmal.

February

- Valentines Day is renamed Buy Shit for Women Day.

- A contingency on Capitol Hill led by Senator Barack Obama proposes legislation to extend February 3 days into March in order to properly celebrate Black History Month. The bill does not pass, and Obama is subtly reminded by Congress that he really isn't "that black."

March

-On the heels of his Super Bowl win, New England Patriots' Quarterback Tom Brady proposes to his supermodel girlfriend Gisele Bundchen. Gisele happily accepts, releasing a statement that she was "relieved to be rid of the name 'Bundchen'," and "eager to get to know Randy Moss."

- Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich abruptly decides to drop out of the race for the White House. In a brief press conference, he shouts "Can't catch me lucky charms!" and flies away in a marshmallow hot air balloon.

April

- On April first, Paris Hilton declares to her fans that she has been tested and is STD free. She doesn't get the joke, but her doctor does, and so does the rest of the world.

-The Smashing Pumpkins release another album on the heels of Zeitgeist, their "pay-whatever-you-want" internet smash of 2007. This time, however, the band decides not to put the CD online. Instead Billy Corgan personally hides 500,000 copies of the album around the world, creating a scavenger hunt for the ages.

May

-Osama bin Laden is finally captured by United States forces stationed in Afghanistan. Amazingly, terrorist attacks continue to occur. Intelligent people around the world are not particularly surprised.

-The American Idol competition is abruptly put on hold while bureaucrats nationwide attempt to gather enough food to satiate last year's fourth place finisher Lakisha Jones, who has ballooned to 500 lbs. and taken over a small colony in Southern Massachusetts.

June

- Art Van Furniture has a really awesome clearance sale!

- The Boston Celtics capture the NBA Championship, leading to the drunken destruction of over 30% of the East coast. President Bush declares a state of emergency, but calls off the national guard two weeks later when he gets a sweet "Bush #1" Celtics uniform.

July

- A heat wave cripples the nation and drought wrecks most of the Southern United States. Most people decide to "check that global warming thing out one more time."

- Britney Spears dies at the age of 26, from an apparent drug overdose and Taco Bell binge. In an ironic twist, her 8-months pregnant sister Jamie Lynn decides not to wear panties to Britney's funeral. All of American witnesses the televised fall of its own standards and decency.

August

- Martha Stewart returns to jail on her own free will after drinking a little too much White Zinfandel and heading out to a party in a striped blouse and a polka dotted skirt. At least she matches in that orange jumpsuit.

- McDonalds unveils its new "Fit for Fat" clothing line designed for obese Americans who had one cheeseburger too many. Top sellers include the XXXL Double Cheese Pleated Pants and the McNightgown.

September

- 6 students from California Poly Technical Institute get laid after swooning a group of ladies in a heated session of World of Warcraft. They never log out again.

-Columbia University releases a study stating that hammerhead sharks can actually respond to a series of flashing lights and repeat up to ten of them in a given sequence. Instead of wondering why the hell their tax money is being spent on retarded experiments, Americans determine that sharks would make good "Simon" partners.


October

-Dave Chapelle is found in Nairobi. Coked out of his mind, Chapelle was trying to create an episode for his old show out of sticks, dirt, and a 4 lb. pile of his own feces. Everyone agrees to just let him be.

- Saw V is released, just in time for no one to give a shit. In other Halloween news, trick-or-treaters nationwide cause the deaths of 492 senior citizens who apparently thought travel-sized toothpaste tubes and pennies were better than candy.


November

- Hillary Clinton is elected as the next president of the United States, proving that 58% of Americans are dumb enough to think that if your spouse can do something well, so can you.

-Celebrity crackhead extraordinaire Amy Winehouse finally unwraps her beehive hairdo, prompting the discovery of three missing children, a koala, the pick of destiny and $1.65.

December

- For the first two weeks of December, the entire Midwest is deafened by the gloating of the rednecks who left their Christmas decorations up from last year.

- Santa Claus' reindeer are seized by PETA representatives, assuredly preventing the jolly old elf from delivering presents on Christmas Eve. But being a quick thinker, Claus instead ties the PETA people to his reigns. The presents take 253 days to deliver, but everyone gets a big kick out of it.

By The Gerk @ arabianmonkey.com

SFW Porn

I don't know why I find the inane or immature arena of fart jokes and whatnot amusing on occasion (okay, most of the time) but it is. I know it's sophomoric. Juvenile even. But I don't care. Quite often I stumble across the most bizarre shit on the internet, and as usual I came across a site I just have to share with readers.

Sfw-porn.com is described as "a little over the top but funny nonetheless" - I'd have to agree. You can't deny the comedic value of painfully ridiculous and poorly photoshopped images like this.

Talk About Getting Screwed

Wow, good thing there's a warning there, because in the event there wasn't the very first thing I'd do with a screwdriver would be to shove it into my penis.

A Job That Really Sucks

On March 3rd in London, a Polish building contractor after being caught in the act with a vacuum cleaner claimed he was cleaning his underpants with Henry Hoover when he was found naked and on his knees in a hospital's staff canteen.

Apparently this is the face that inspired nasty thoughts The worker was supposed to be locking up the building site near the Great Ormond Street Children's Hospital when a stunned security guard discovered him in the middle of a "compromising act" with the cleaner, literally on his knees canoodling with the hose end of a Henry Hoover vacuum which has a large smiley face painted on its front and a hose protruding from its "nose". Shouting in polish, "yes, suck it!" the worker suddenly realizing he had been busted, came up with the unusual excuse. The security guard, suitably horrified according to the Telegraph, knew that something was off and told the man to "clean himself and the hoover" (ad lib. "kindly remove your Flying Purple People Eater from the vacuum hose and get the hell outta here") before asking him to leave and informing his employers. When later questioned by his employers, the man said he was vacuuming his underpants, which was "a common practice in Poland". Of course the people of Poland were outraged by his excuse. A mixed mob of angry and hysterically laughing poles gathered outside the British Embassy in Krakow. One man stated, "This is only done when someone shits their pants, which this man clearly had not done. This is an outrage!" click to enlarge The man's employers at HG Construction, were quoted, "That behaviour is not acceptable, though it gave a few people a laugh. Okay, it gave everyone a laugh and will continue to, so long as it is broadcast on every news station and printed in every newspaper worldwide!". The worker has since been fired. The man is now suing for sexual harassment and discrimination against homosexual Henry Hoover vacuum cleaner relations. Giving a new meaning to the old saying, "He who laughs last, gets to clean the vacuum".

Henry Hoover is described on ShowerRite's website as "famous for its looks, but under its fascia lies a powerful, reliable vacuum cleaner ready to go time and time again." Apparently they didn't realize the sexual innuendo of that statement. And at £118.60 or $238.88, that's alot of bang for your buck (no pun intended).

But guess what? This guy is not the only freak caught doing the nasty with an inanimate object. No! Bizarre sex crimes involving inanimate objects seem to be a trend lately.

A 32-year-old man was arrested in Wiltshire, U.K. for allegedly simulating a sex act with a lamp-post. When they arrived they arrested him on suspicion of outraging public decency.

A police spokesman said officers were called to a road in the town of Westbury on February 16 after they received a report of a man acting indecently outside a block of flats "occupied by several young women". Released on bail the man was recalled for questioning following an investigation into the incident after several interviews with witnesses - including children. He has since been re-released pending further inquiries. The lamp post declined to press charges.


Last year, 51-year-old Robert Stewart was placed on probation for three years after being caught trying to have sex with a bicycle. When it's implied that he was trying, I can only assume the bicycle wasn't cooperating.

Naked from the waist down, two cleaners at the Aberley House Hostel in south west Scotland walked in on him and he paused only to ask, "What is it, hen?", before continuing to "move his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex". The court was told that alcohol was the cause of his problems. Along with extreme perversion and pedalphilia (look it up, if it doesn't exist then they haven't added it yet).

In 1993, Karl Watkins, an electrician, was jailed for having sex with pavements in Redditch, Worcs. He was quoted as saying, "Copulating with electrical outlets was much too shocking."

Also in history, heinous commiters of sex with inanimate objects included Ronald McDonald, who admitted bonking soft serve ice cream dispensers in various McDonald's restaurants, giving a whole new meaning to "Where's the beef?".

Karl Marx, used to romp with farming equipment, which is the real reason leading up to his expulsion from Belgium in 1848.

10,000 B.C. Movie Reviewed by Cavemen

Ugg, me don't know how to say... me have little language skill.

This our review for movie 10,000 B.C. due in theaters March 7.

First, I want to say caveman circa 10,000 B.C. look more like me!
**sniffs grunts**

No, you thinking of 20,000 B.C. Me think they looked handsome like me in 10,000 B.C.!

No, what meant to say was, me think they look nothing like Hollywood depicts us look like.

What?
Don't listen him.
Anyway, 10,000 B.C. has lots of action with plankton, other cave people, sabre tooth tiger and WOOLY mammoth!

Rah YEAH, WOOLY mammoth action!!!
**drools**

What?

10,000 B.C. will be the movie I go see on sly, and pretend it not utter trash, me not completely above watching 10,000 B.C. Really, the lead cavewoman pretty nice piece of prehistoric ass, with spear, so it a can't miss for me. Are there hot blond cavewomen? There gotta be hot blond cavewomen. Hot blond cavewomen...Yum.
Now here some sneak peeks from movie 10,000 B.C.

What the hell was that? Me have no idea what this movie about. 10,000 B.C. looks like it was made in 10,000 B.C. This movie suck.






WOOLY mammoth action!!!
**drools**

Viva Cuba!

Viva Cuba Gooding Jr.!

Famous Cuban actor, Cuba Gooding Jr. scared witless by his own fame.

Show me the money! That's how you become great, man. Hang your balls out there! Anywho, enough with the Jerry Maguire references.

What I do have to share with readers today is a bevy of very interesting facts about the country of Cuba. Some Most I would have never imagined.

What is Gorilla Marketing?

In 2005 Gorilla Marketing was developed. Gorilla Marketing (or 'Gorilla Warfare') was invented by Che Guevara (a.k.a. "Chimp" Guevara), the world's foremost expert on all things related to Gorillas and Cuba.

Gorilla Marketing is a relatively new arsenal of advertising weaponry, and promotional products that humans go APE over! It combines an unconventional system of promotions on a very low budget. Or no budget really, gorillas come cheap.

By relying on gorilla time, gorilla energy, and gorilla imagination instead of big marketing budgets that were common in the ancient history of advertising; the end result is usually a lot of poo flinging, tire swinging, Samsonite luggage tossing and banana beatings, until the assailed individual(s) buy(s) the marketed product(s).

Sss! That's the sound a gorilla fart makes (another tactic commonly used.)




A frightening proposition since this gorilla likes teh butt secks.

Everyone Knows an "Annoying Guy"

And now a little piece aptly entitled, "The Last Road Trip"...

Awww, what a friend! Ol Glapp should have ended up in hell.
He's the kind of guy who ate paint chips, glue and lead pencils when he was a kid. Too bad that didn't kill him. He's the kind of guy that spoons sour cottage cheese into shoes at Walmart. The kind of guy that has a big hole in his head, and you wish he'd shut it. The kind of guy you want to thrash into the dashboard, stuff a sock in his mouth, strap with duct tape and put in the trunk for the remainder of the trip.

When you check out, if spent shell casings aren't littered around your feet, you didn't check out right.

The Funny Cannot Be Displayed

I have an announcement to make. Brace yourselves, you may want to sit down. I am experiencing a bout of comedy block. I can't think of anything funny to write.

How is this possible you may ask? It's simple and humiliating really. Similar to writer's block, when the inflicted is encompassed by the loathsome mental impotence that causes comedy block, the brain ceases to generate humorous thoughts.

DUI Test Perfect Score

Comedy, thy name is Reno 911.




Nice moves. I used to be quite the dancer in my day too. Even when drunk, I always managed to find the toes of everyone else on the dance floor and crush them under my enormous stomping feet.

I have to know, what if the cop knows you are drunk but you can pass every test given, do you get a prize? Maybe they give you a free ride to the bar and buy you a few more rounds just to be sure. Then they put you behind the wheel of a car that has not passed safety inspection, like one wheel is bent, the steering is so loose if you touch it just the wrong way the steering wheel pops off and the brakes don't work. The driver flips the car three times and the cops are like, "yep, they're drunk." ?

Bloodthirsty Carpet Monkey

Here's a funny sketch from MTV's Human Giant! Totally random and unexpected. Although I have to wonder who would give a gun to a monkey. Maybe the problem is the chimp doesn't like being called a Carpet Monkey?

Do You Suck At Photoshop?

Donnie Hoyle of MyDamnChannel.com walks us through seven episodes of Photoshop tutorials for those of us that truly suck at it. These tutorials, which are also avail on YouTube, are very handy and offer useful tips with some damned funny commentary to boot.

Anyway I have selected a particular video that just caught my eye on Digg and this was some hilarious shit. I'll give you some background: Donnie's four day hold-up at the airport makes for some heavy duty Photoshop diversion.

Clearly this tutorial showed the inner fat gas that is puffing up inside the beef rod and massages the bloated ego from the fleshy head just like an early season honey dew melon.

Fortunately for me, I am quite the photoshopper. I gots mad skillz yo. Just dig my newest creation I call "What Are You Doing?" Click the image to enlarge...





Ok. I suck, really it's ok. I'll try for something better next time...

Fuck It... My New Philosophy

Fuck It... it's my new philosophy now too.

F*ck It - watch more funny videos

How Much is Your Website Worth?

According to http://dnscoop.com/ you can get a quick assessment of your site's worth.

"The estimated value of KRAPSODY is $1"

HA HA HA!!!!! Oh wow I can retire early folks!




I highly doubt anyone would pay that much, but it sure is interesting... if your idea of interesting is spooning with fat hairy bald men in a tub full of chocolate pudding (not that I've ever done that before). How much is yours worth?

Don't Look: Massive Shart in Progress

After Sarah Silverman's funny video "I'm F@ckin' Matt Damon" debuted on the Jimmy Kimmel Show a few weeks ago, it just adds a whole new twist on the late night show stand offs between Conan O'Brien, John Stewart and Stephen Colbert, Silverman's escapade of course prompted Jimmy Kimmel to strike back with his own response. If you haven't seen these then I have posted them here for your "viewing pleasure" (no pun intended).

This clip started the whole thing on the Jimmy Kimmel Show


And now another late night tv moment to be remembered.
Jimmy Kimmel is F@cking Ben Affleck Response to Matt & Sarah


All I can say is... sheesh. Pretty funny I guess, the Josh Groban spot and the list of stars involved in Kimmel's was golden, I can't even imagine Groban saying the word "f@ck". Doesn't it seems like these late night talk show hosts are really grasping for ideas? I dunno. Coincidentally, since everyone seems like they are sharing, I'm f@cking Marty Feldman.

2008 Election Results Accidentally Leaked Ahead of Schedule

Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early

"We at Diebold would like to formally apologise to all our Shadowy Puppet Masters. This will never happen again. Please have mercy on us." - Ernie Kenelworth Director of Public Relations, Diebold Inc.

Why, I appreciate the apology, as I know you were speaking to me personally. I am the Shadowy Sock Puppet Master which you speak of. However, you did say way too much. I will ask that you clean out your desk and make a hasty exit for the Mexican Border as you will be living your life forever on the run now, you detrimental tickle-brained sheep-biter.

Bowling With Jesus

Today I came across a new group discussion by pointlessbanter at blogcatalog.com about the amount of religious fervor on the site and the web as a whole, this one was aptly titled Jesus Christ.
Which was followed this afternoon by The Removal of Religious Topics from BlogCatalog Discussions posted by NINE. Damn censorship! That's a shame as there were some good points raised so far. But who needs all the hostility?

Life is fun, I'm going bowling with Jesus.



That's hot. I didn't know Jesus even liked bowling...

I still think religious fundamentalism/fanaticism is a mental disorder. Just look at George W. Bush, Osama Bin Laden or Tom Cruise.





Examine the statistics for yourself;
Search Results 1 - 10 of about 48,200,000 for religion V. Search Results 1 - 10 of about 49,100,000 for humor on Google groups? I think that says people are looking for laughs more than they are spiritual enlightenment. Aren't the two kind of intertwined?


Who knows, maybe the path to enlightenment are laughs? I don't see how being so uptight or narrow-minded about a belief system is going to make things any better in the world. Nor is censorship in the name of "being afraid of offending anyone". It just influences people to think they are better than others.

On that note: People looking for the ultimate truth on Google groups are a bunch of poopy farty pants.

Spamtasticly Spam-O-Ramalicious

Find your own damn russian mail order bride named Yulija! This one's mine.

Clicky -->


Yes, I'm very proud of my stupid forum postings. Am I a F-arse? But no, I am an ass.