SFW Porn

I don't know why I find the inane or immature arena of fart jokes and whatnot amusing on occasion (okay, most of the time) but it is. I know it's sophomoric. Juvenile even. But I don't care. Quite often I stumble across the most bizarre shit on the internet, and as usual I came across a site I just have to share with readers.

Sfw-porn.com is described as "a little over the top but funny nonetheless" - I'd have to agree. You can't deny the comedic value of painfully ridiculous and poorly photoshopped images like this.

Talk About Getting Screwed

Wow, good thing there's a warning there, because in the event there wasn't the very first thing I'd do with a screwdriver would be to shove it into my penis.

A Job That Really Sucks

On March 3rd in London, a Polish building contractor after being caught in the act with a vacuum cleaner claimed he was cleaning his underpants with Henry Hoover when he was found naked and on his knees in a hospital's staff canteen.

Apparently this is the face that inspired nasty thoughts The worker was supposed to be locking up the building site near the Great Ormond Street Children's Hospital when a stunned security guard discovered him in the middle of a "compromising act" with the cleaner, literally on his knees canoodling with the hose end of a Henry Hoover vacuum which has a large smiley face painted on its front and a hose protruding from its "nose". Shouting in polish, "yes, suck it!" the worker suddenly realizing he had been busted, came up with the unusual excuse. The security guard, suitably horrified according to the Telegraph, knew that something was off and told the man to "clean himself and the hoover" (ad lib. "kindly remove your Flying Purple People Eater from the vacuum hose and get the hell outta here") before asking him to leave and informing his employers. When later questioned by his employers, the man said he was vacuuming his underpants, which was "a common practice in Poland". Of course the people of Poland were outraged by his excuse. A mixed mob of angry and hysterically laughing poles gathered outside the British Embassy in Krakow. One man stated, "This is only done when someone shits their pants, which this man clearly had not done. This is an outrage!" click to enlarge The man's employers at HG Construction, were quoted, "That behaviour is not acceptable, though it gave a few people a laugh. Okay, it gave everyone a laugh and will continue to, so long as it is broadcast on every news station and printed in every newspaper worldwide!". The worker has since been fired. The man is now suing for sexual harassment and discrimination against homosexual Henry Hoover vacuum cleaner relations. Giving a new meaning to the old saying, "He who laughs last, gets to clean the vacuum".

Henry Hoover is described on ShowerRite's website as "famous for its looks, but under its fascia lies a powerful, reliable vacuum cleaner ready to go time and time again." Apparently they didn't realize the sexual innuendo of that statement. And at £118.60 or $238.88, that's alot of bang for your buck (no pun intended).

But guess what? This guy is not the only freak caught doing the nasty with an inanimate object. No! Bizarre sex crimes involving inanimate objects seem to be a trend lately.

A 32-year-old man was arrested in Wiltshire, U.K. for allegedly simulating a sex act with a lamp-post. When they arrived they arrested him on suspicion of outraging public decency.

A police spokesman said officers were called to a road in the town of Westbury on February 16 after they received a report of a man acting indecently outside a block of flats "occupied by several young women". Released on bail the man was recalled for questioning following an investigation into the incident after several interviews with witnesses - including children. He has since been re-released pending further inquiries. The lamp post declined to press charges.


Last year, 51-year-old Robert Stewart was placed on probation for three years after being caught trying to have sex with a bicycle. When it's implied that he was trying, I can only assume the bicycle wasn't cooperating.

Naked from the waist down, two cleaners at the Aberley House Hostel in south west Scotland walked in on him and he paused only to ask, "What is it, hen?", before continuing to "move his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex". The court was told that alcohol was the cause of his problems. Along with extreme perversion and pedalphilia (look it up, if it doesn't exist then they haven't added it yet).

In 1993, Karl Watkins, an electrician, was jailed for having sex with pavements in Redditch, Worcs. He was quoted as saying, "Copulating with electrical outlets was much too shocking."

Also in history, heinous commiters of sex with inanimate objects included Ronald McDonald, who admitted bonking soft serve ice cream dispensers in various McDonald's restaurants, giving a whole new meaning to "Where's the beef?".

Karl Marx, used to romp with farming equipment, which is the real reason leading up to his expulsion from Belgium in 1848.

10,000 B.C. Movie Reviewed by Cavemen

Ugg, me don't know how to say... me have little language skill.

This our review for movie 10,000 B.C. due in theaters March 7.

First, I want to say caveman circa 10,000 B.C. look more like me!
**sniffs grunts**

No, you thinking of 20,000 B.C. Me think they looked handsome like me in 10,000 B.C.!

No, what meant to say was, me think they look nothing like Hollywood depicts us look like.

What?
Don't listen him.
Anyway, 10,000 B.C. has lots of action with plankton, other cave people, sabre tooth tiger and WOOLY mammoth!

Rah YEAH, WOOLY mammoth action!!!
**drools**

What?

10,000 B.C. will be the movie I go see on sly, and pretend it not utter trash, me not completely above watching 10,000 B.C. Really, the lead cavewoman pretty nice piece of prehistoric ass, with spear, so it a can't miss for me. Are there hot blond cavewomen? There gotta be hot blond cavewomen. Hot blond cavewomen...Yum.
Now here some sneak peeks from movie 10,000 B.C.

What the hell was that? Me have no idea what this movie about. 10,000 B.C. looks like it was made in 10,000 B.C. This movie suck.






WOOLY mammoth action!!!
**drools**

Viva Cuba!

Viva Cuba Gooding Jr.!

Famous Cuban actor, Cuba Gooding Jr. scared witless by his own fame.

Show me the money! That's how you become great, man. Hang your balls out there! Anywho, enough with the Jerry Maguire references.

What I do have to share with readers today is a bevy of very interesting facts about the country of Cuba. Some Most I would have never imagined.

What is Gorilla Marketing?

In 2005 Gorilla Marketing was developed. Gorilla Marketing (or 'Gorilla Warfare') was invented by Che Guevara (a.k.a. "Chimp" Guevara), the world's foremost expert on all things related to Gorillas and Cuba.

Gorilla Marketing is a relatively new arsenal of advertising weaponry, and promotional products that humans go APE over! It combines an unconventional system of promotions on a very low budget. Or no budget really, gorillas come cheap.

By relying on gorilla time, gorilla energy, and gorilla imagination instead of big marketing budgets that were common in the ancient history of advertising; the end result is usually a lot of poo flinging, tire swinging, Samsonite luggage tossing and banana beatings, until the assailed individual(s) buy(s) the marketed product(s).

Sss! That's the sound a gorilla fart makes (another tactic commonly used.)




A frightening proposition since this gorilla likes teh butt secks.

Everyone Knows an "Annoying Guy"

And now a little piece aptly entitled, "The Last Road Trip"...

Awww, what a friend! Ol Glapp should have ended up in hell.
He's the kind of guy who ate paint chips, glue and lead pencils when he was a kid. Too bad that didn't kill him. He's the kind of guy that spoons sour cottage cheese into shoes at Walmart. The kind of guy that has a big hole in his head, and you wish he'd shut it. The kind of guy you want to thrash into the dashboard, stuff a sock in his mouth, strap with duct tape and put in the trunk for the remainder of the trip.

When you check out, if spent shell casings aren't littered around your feet, you didn't check out right.

DUI Test Perfect Score

Comedy, thy name is Reno 911.




Nice moves. I used to be quite the dancer in my day too. Even when drunk, I always managed to find the toes of everyone else on the dance floor and crush them under my enormous stomping feet.

I have to know, what if the cop knows you are drunk but you can pass every test given, do you get a prize? Maybe they give you a free ride to the bar and buy you a few more rounds just to be sure. Then they put you behind the wheel of a car that has not passed safety inspection, like one wheel is bent, the steering is so loose if you touch it just the wrong way the steering wheel pops off and the brakes don't work. The driver flips the car three times and the cops are like, "yep, they're drunk." ?

Bloodthirsty Carpet Monkey

Here's a funny sketch from MTV's Human Giant! Totally random and unexpected. Although I have to wonder who would give a gun to a monkey. Maybe the problem is the chimp doesn't like being called a Carpet Monkey?

Do You Suck At Photoshop?

Donnie Hoyle of MyDamnChannel.com walks us through seven episodes of Photoshop tutorials for those of us that truly suck at it. These tutorials, which are also avail on YouTube, are very handy and offer useful tips with some damned funny commentary to boot.

Anyway I have selected a particular video that just caught my eye on Digg and this was some hilarious shit. I'll give you some background: Donnie's four day hold-up at the airport makes for some heavy duty Photoshop diversion.

Clearly this tutorial showed the inner fat gas that is puffing up inside the beef rod and massages the bloated ego from the fleshy head just like an early season honey dew melon.

Fortunately for me, I am quite the photoshopper. I gots mad skillz yo. Just dig my newest creation I call "What Are You Doing?" Click the image to enlarge...





Ok. I suck, really it's ok. I'll try for something better next time...

Fuck It... My New Philosophy

Fuck It... it's my new philosophy now too.

F*ck It - watch more funny videos

How Much is Your Website Worth?

According to http://dnscoop.com/ you can get a quick assessment of your site's worth.

"The estimated value of KRAPSODY is $1"

HA HA HA!!!!! Oh wow I can retire early folks!




I highly doubt anyone would pay that much, but it sure is interesting... if your idea of interesting is spooning with fat hairy bald men in a tub full of chocolate pudding (not that I've ever done that before). How much is yours worth?

Don't Look: Massive Shart in Progress

After Sarah Silverman's funny video "I'm F@ckin' Matt Damon" debuted on the Jimmy Kimmel Show a few weeks ago, it just adds a whole new twist on the late night show stand offs between Conan O'Brien, John Stewart and Stephen Colbert, Silverman's escapade of course prompted Jimmy Kimmel to strike back with his own response. If you haven't seen these then I have posted them here for your "viewing pleasure" (no pun intended).

This clip started the whole thing on the Jimmy Kimmel Show


And now another late night tv moment to be remembered.
Jimmy Kimmel is F@cking Ben Affleck Response to Matt & Sarah


All I can say is... sheesh. Pretty funny I guess, the Josh Groban spot and the list of stars involved in Kimmel's was golden, I can't even imagine Groban saying the word "f@ck". Doesn't it seems like these late night talk show hosts are really grasping for ideas? I dunno. Coincidentally, since everyone seems like they are sharing, I'm f@cking Marty Feldman.

2008 Election Results Accidentally Leaked Ahead of Schedule

Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early

"We at Diebold would like to formally apologise to all our Shadowy Puppet Masters. This will never happen again. Please have mercy on us." - Ernie Kenelworth Director of Public Relations, Diebold Inc.

Why, I appreciate the apology, as I know you were speaking to me personally. I am the Shadowy Sock Puppet Master which you speak of. However, you did say way too much. I will ask that you clean out your desk and make a hasty exit for the Mexican Border as you will be living your life forever on the run now, you detrimental tickle-brained sheep-biter.

Bowling With Jesus

Today I came across a new group discussion by pointlessbanter at blogcatalog.com about the amount of religious fervor on the site and the web as a whole, this one was aptly titled Jesus Christ.
Which was followed this afternoon by The Removal of Religious Topics from BlogCatalog Discussions posted by NINE. Damn censorship! That's a shame as there were some good points raised so far. But who needs all the hostility?

Life is fun, I'm going bowling with Jesus.



That's hot. I didn't know Jesus even liked bowling...

I still think religious fundamentalism/fanaticism is a mental disorder. Just look at George W. Bush, Osama Bin Laden or Tom Cruise.





Examine the statistics for yourself;
Search Results 1 - 10 of about 48,200,000 for religion V. Search Results 1 - 10 of about 49,100,000 for humor on Google groups? I think that says people are looking for laughs more than they are spiritual enlightenment. Aren't the two kind of intertwined?


Who knows, maybe the path to enlightenment are laughs? I don't see how being so uptight or narrow-minded about a belief system is going to make things any better in the world. Nor is censorship in the name of "being afraid of offending anyone". It just influences people to think they are better than others.

On that note: People looking for the ultimate truth on Google groups are a bunch of poopy farty pants.

Spamtasticly Spam-O-Ramalicious

Find your own damn russian mail order bride named Yulija! This one's mine.

Clicky -->


Yes, I'm very proud of my stupid forum postings. Am I a F-arse? But no, I am an ass.

Toothpaste For Dinner

ToothpasteForDinner.com
Great original cartoon strip. What more can I say but this;

The IRS is on Crack

It's tax season, everyone's favorite time of year! Income taxes must be filed by the 17th of April this year here in the United States. And I still owe some back taxes from an audit on self-employment income I had a few years back that I've been paying off.

It's not a lot of money that I owe and I have done my best to make it right, calling them when I'm unsure of my balance, etc. but the IRS has been less than diligent in helping me keep track of or making it easy to keep on top of my account (ie. in phone calls they rarely ever give me the correct balance or information, they give erroneous advice, they never send me statements or update account information consistently, which should be every time I call or in monthly mailed statements with an envelope and invoice provided to send the next payment).

So here was my 50 minutes of misery, debauchery, and glee with the Internal Revenue Service by phone recently, which included only a few minutes of brief conversation that possibly ruined someone else's day... for a change.

The first 47 minutes of the call are a barrage of pre-recorded phone system wisdoms by an annoying female voice stating, "Please hang on, your call is very important to us. If you hang up now you only increase your wait time. Thank you for you patience."

Of course in between the obvious 'tardisms meant to pacify the insidiously ignorant, to the down right stupid folk who probably can't even figure out how a phone works are easy to shirk off, but when combined with 'the Nutcracker' theme song (which is a very pronounced and dynamic classical piece, violins, piccolos & nose flute cacophony which isn't even fit for elevators, a night at the theater or during the holidays) AND it's bellowing at ear bleeding volumes, no.

I swear I turned down the volume on the phone three separate times to avoid my ear drum blowing out the other side of my head! It's just a little annoying after 47 minutes.

Now I half expected some weak voice to answer the phone at any moment to which I wouldn't hear because I was deafened by a numb-Nutcracker-noisefest, to which I would immediately be hung up on because I was too dulled by the offensive swill they call muzak to respond to the representative in time, just to start all over again.

But noooo, just more of the same, "Please hang on, or not, we don't give a rat's ass you idiot, your call doesn't really matter to us. If you hang up now,
citizen #:74605-619641312-5200-465413-2165465 you only increase your wait time.
Thank you for you patience, when you owe us and we should be more attentive of that fact if we want to get our money from you voluntarily, sucker", of course followed by more ear piercing 'Skullcracker' devil music at uneven volumes getting ever louder by the minute as I am kept on hold...

Finally the line rings through and a voice on the other end straight out of 'Mr. Roger's "Creepy" Neighborhood' answers the phone.

"Good afternoon, this is Mrs. Kinkle, agent #:5555543626626261291...(can't be fookin arsed to recant!) How can I help youuuuu?!"

"Hi, Mrs... Kringle?"



"Yes, Kinkle, K-I-N-K-L-E, how are you today?"




At this point I'm bustin' up lauging inside, partly because the voice on the other end sounds more like a man, maybe a man pretending to be a woman or a woman on hormone treatments.... Possibly a pre-op tranny on hormone treatments?
I don't know, not that it really matters, it just was random and unexpected!
Also the persons' voice on the other end is monotonous but partly faked enough to sound animated.

Not to mention the name, ha! Holy sh*t the name! Kinkle.

"Good thanks, how are you? Kringle, I mean Kankle, oops, ha ha sorry Mrs. Kinkle." (Awkward) "Anyway, I filed my taxes recently and I want my refund to be used towards the remaining amount I owe for a prior tax year. Unlike last year when I was told my estimated tax payment would be used for the same but instead it was mailed back to me which I happily spent on a day of drunk and whore binging [sic]..." (figuring that's something a crooked government employee could relate to)

"I see that sir, yes any refunds due this year will be applied to your principal amounts owed. I just need your name, social security number, what you had for dinner last Tuesday, how many times you have urinated this past year and what your favorite color is." (I give her said information, then some including my shoe size)
"Okay, thank you sir. Now I am wondering, have you been making payments because I am showing your account is in... default?"

"Default, Krinkle? No, that isn't possible because I've made a payment every month since I last filed."

"Well I'm showing that you have made three payments this year sir and that one of them was applied to the wrong year. I'm also showing that one payment was late."

"I see, you do realise that this is February and that there've only been two months in the year thus far. What constitutes a payment applied to a "wrong year"? All my payments by check have been notated with my social security # on them and I assumed that they automatically would be applied to the tax year I owed on, does that make sense?"

"Well you should have noted the years your payments were to be applied to on your checks sir, and I still show you are in default because your last payment was received on February 2nd for the month of January. I'd be happy to re-instate a payment plan for you today at a one-time fee of $43.95"

"Hmmm, well I see that I've made more than three payments on the same tax year and if the mail was delayed for my January payment, then I fail to see how I am at fault and should be penalized for that. I also question this formal agreement or payment plan I am entered under with the IRS. Do you have any documentation with my signature stating my acknowledgment of a payment agreement and the fees associated with that?"

"Did you pay by check for all your installments?"

"Yes I always pay by check, paying my taxes which already accrue interest with a credit card that has a much higher interest rate would be financial suicide."

"What I can suggest is that you get a copy of your bank records showing the payments you have made to the IRS."

"Mmmmkay, I suppose I could take some extra time out of my day to prove my position as far as that is concerned. What then?"

"I'd be happy to look at your records for you, in the meantime I can set you up on a payment plan today for $105.00"

"What? I thought you said it was $43.95 a moment ago? If you are looking at my records on your system, can't you tell me what I've paid up to this point then? I prefer not to set up a "payment plan", especially if I'm not in the wrong and may not be reimbursed for entering into a new arrangement that shouldn't be in error in the first place. But unbeknownst to me, I have been duped into a fictional payment agreement I never signed or committed to but all of a sudden I am being penalized for a payment that is less than a week late? I don't understand."

"Sir, (sounding exasperated) what I'm showing is that you have made three payments and you are currently in default, now I'd be happy to pull your records and have a look at them further but without some proof of your claims that you had an arranged agreement prior to January 1st this year and you were making payments on time, then we have to set up a new agreement!"

"What? Ok, sheesh, fine. Whatever we need to do. Sometimes I swear the IRS must be on crack."

"Sir, I definitely do not like your attitude. I will not have you backtalk me in a professional phone call!"



"O-k..What I said wasn't meant personally. And honestly, I'm sure you deal with calls that are 10 times worse. Besides if you were in my shoes what would you be thinking? Something seems amiss here..."

(At this point I'm thinking; "Oh, well I guess a man pretending to be a woman on the phone working at the IRS can have a bad day when their hormones are raging" Honestly, I have no problem with a person's sexuality or sexual identity, only their attitudes, but such is my luck to encounter someone under special circumstances who is experiencing a bit of stress from more than one angle today)

"Mr. (Insert my last name here), I don't have to stand for this, this is a professional phone call. I am twice your age and I will not have anyone tell me that I am on crack! This is a professional phone call!!!!"


"Well my apologies, I didn't say you were on crack. I'm not quite sure how your or my age is relevant to the conversation and I also don't see this as a professional conversation anymore, you are sounding more and more unprofessional by the minute mostly because you haven't given me a straight answer nor have you looked at my records and directly addressed the questions I asked. This is a personal phone call for me, on my personal time and I have been perfectly civil. Your demeanor is unprofessional, your yelling because I remarked that the organization you work for must be on crack seems a bit reactionary and an excuse to get upset with me."

"Mr. (insert last name here) this is a professional phone call and I will hang up on you if you don't change your attitude right now!"

"Ok Mrs. Kinkel, I'm getting that someone is having a bad day and might have a few control issues, what is it about my tone that would illicit or justify the attitude and tone you are projecting at me?"

"Sir, do you want to speak to another representative today?!"






"Yeah, you know what Mrs. KANKLE KRACKLE FACE?! Actually that would be good, y'know someone who isn't waving their knuckle dragging arms in the air, flopping around in a fit of hysterics with veins popping out on their neanderthal-like brow, speaking to someone who also has less body hair than I do would be much preferred than trying to have an intelligent conversation with YOU. I'd rather be thrown naked into a pit full of rabid badgers. Thanks."

**Click.....**

That biiiitch. I realised after the fact that Krinkle rhymes with dick wrinkle!
Ha ha, who has the last laugh now, Kinkle?! WHO I say?!

Okay, moral of the story?
When you put your money where your mouth is... Never assume you will be the one who eats it.


FIRE IN THE HOLE!