It's been a while between articles, but I'm never gone for long. The internet has a better chance of getting rid of me once Hell freezes over, and considering climate changes and global warming that will happen NEVER. And so lately I've been awful busy making cheese and selling door knobs, and in this economy it's just that much more difficult to sell door knobs made of cheese.
Showing posts with label thought for the day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thought for the day. Show all posts
Thought For The Day No. 8
I would really like to find a useful application for lint. It seems like such a wasted resource. Honestly, I feel funny admitting this, but I don't empty the lint trap in the dryer until I know I can pull out a wad of lint so enormous, that it could only be compared to bigfoot, and then I feel like I've accomplished something.
Wash hundreds of socks. Remove lint. Continue napping. And my day is complete.
Let me be clear, I'm not excluding belly button lint here, either. I predict there will be an Art Movement of Belly Button Lint. I believe with the correct shampoo and styling products we could soon see Belly Button Lint gracing the catwalks in Paris and Milan.
Just think about it though. When you clean out your lint trap, imagine all those thick layers of lint you toss out. What if they could be "recycled" and "reused"? Which reminds me, how many socks do you lose every year in your dryer?
Interesting enough, lint can make a great layer of insulation for homes. There are many many other uses for it as well.
For example, making thread from lint, you could replace those lost pair of socks in no time.
Those fuzzy fluffy fibers (which are essentially the by-product of fabrics!) would be a fabulous way to economize the textile industry, don't you think?
We're all trying to think outside of the box with our current economic situation: the restructuring of the health care system, the bailouts, the gasoline shortage and renewable energy...why shouldn't we consider clothing too?
Such an innovation could, oh I dunno...take on a reality series like Project Runway and provide it's homofabulous contestants with such new found passion they literally burst out of their pants?! It's a moment I know I've been eagerly awaiting.
There's no question that such innovation would set the fashion world on it's head!! What an accomplishment it would be to make lines of clothing from...FUZZ! Whether that's dryer or belly button lint (lint in general being the least acknowledged resource), right?! (for more fashion sense see my Hobo Chic article)
In all my excitement it appears I've overlooked an important companion to Belly Button Lint - Bum Crack Lint! Lint can also accumulate at the top of your bum crack, near the small of your back. YES! I know, right?! Depending on the size of your ass, there can be QUITE an accumulation.
Just how much is the question. What is the relationship between these two lint accumulators I wonder? Are they always the same color? Does lint migrate from one location to the other? What are the relative lint densities between bum crack and belly button? There are clearly a number of important, unexplored issues here.
Maybe if we examine it from an astrophysics point-of-view; "A lint gland? Preposterous! However, it is possible through further research to determine that lint is drawn from our underwear by the gravitational force of the tiny black hole that each of us has in our navel." - Albert Einstein on Darwin's Belly Button Lint Theory
Or perhaps human biology is at work; "Lint actually comes from the inside of your belly. This occurred after thousands of years of evolution. There is a (yet-to-be-discovered) lint gland, which resides just behind your belly button. This works something like our sinuses, except instead of producing mucus, it produces lint." - Charles Darwin on The Belly Button Lint Theory
But perhaps the belly button is simply where lint goes to retire after working it's way towards your belly button it's entire life. This is where things get tricky.
According to recent polls conducted by Yours Truly, (there were no subjects to interview, so I made that up), people are relatively indifferent to lint (meaning they have little contempt or love for it).
For example, the "If Your Relationship To Lint Were A Romance, Would Your Feelings Best Be Described As.." poll, consisting of the following answers:
a.) Running scared for the hills!
b.) Wanting to commit, but always feeling unsure.
c.) Ready to make a permanent commitment.
d.) Interested, but taking it slowly and carefully.
25.8% of those polled responded with 'a', 24.6% responded with 'b', 24.3% responded with 'c', 23.9% responded with 'd', and 1.4% responded with "no clue", "get a life", and "f*** the hell off". So the answers given were all too close to really confirm whether people absolutely love or hate lint.
And the "Other Possible Uses For Belly Button Fluff Would Be..." poll I conducted revealed some of the following responses:
storage: "My friend collects his boyfriend's and stores it in his teddy bear." [That Paris (Hilton)..she's a riot!]
clothing: "I'm saving mine to knit a jacket." [Martha Stewart is so resourceful, isn't she?]
baldness: "I'm collecting it for my male pattern baldness . . . " [What does that mean exactly? F*** if I know!]
homecraft: "I reckon we should establish Belly Button Lint collection stations, and make quilts and pillows from it. Maybe we could establish a cottage industry, and have people with spinning wheels recreating cotton and other fabrics from the lint." [EXACTLY!]
lighting: "Could Belly Button Lint be combined with ear wax to make a candle? This could go some way towards solving the energy crisis. I have plenty of ear wax to donate." [I believe this person (Al Gore) is a genius!]
firestarting: "It's useful as tinder when out in the wilderness." [Smokey The Bear is so cool!]
Speaking of wilderness survival, how about those reality TV survival series? Unlike Bear Grylls, most of my skills would be useless in the wilderness. Unless you count making balloon animals as being useful.
Although, balloon artistry is not so useful unless you plan on becoming a clown.
And let's face it, clowns are not so entertaining or popular once you pass a certain age...only fit for children and those that are easily amused.
Although, clown popularity could change if more reality TV shows involving clowns were available for viewers. Here's how one possible reality clown series might play out...
Wilderness Survival Clown: episode 1
Bear spots clown
Clown spots bear
Bear approaches clown
Clown squirts bear w/seltzer water
Bear mauls clown
Wilderness Survival Clown fail
See? Now how entertaining would THAT be? Clown meets bear, bear kills clown. The show contains information, romance, suspense, drama, and lols all in one!
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Listening to:
The Lint Song by MC Lars
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—tags: commentary, humor, satire, thought for the day
When Pigs Fly
I am sick of hearing about the swine flu epidemic!
Krapsody just did the math, and we are...eh..I am not so good (in fact you could say HORRIBLE) at math - but according to "our" calculations: .000003% of the planet's population is infected. I think it's okay to be cautious, but I also think we should be realistic about the threat.
All the ridiculous paranoia and internet buzz over it now.
Drivel that includes:
"How do you think the Swine Flu will affect the USA? I'm guessing not too bad... vote now!"
"It was once said that a black man would be president "when pigs fly" indeed 100 days into Obama's presidency SWINE FLU!"
"How does one steer clear of swine flu? ...GO VEGAN!!!"
"Wash your hands!"
"Avoid people who have the sniffles!"
"Avoid anyone coughing!"
"Cough into your elbow!"
"Avoid people and public places!"
"Don't eat any pork products!"
"Is ham made from pigs?!"
Blah blah blah fercrissakes what a mob of bumbling idiots! Blaming Mexico and pigs. As far as washing hands and coughing or sneezing into your elbow, that's just common sense. Do we really have to be reminded of this? But washing your hands alone isn't going to be enough if the virus spreads via airborne transmission.
It seems to me that if it was as infectious as the CDC, the US Department of Health and the WHO are making it out to be..
..then more people have probably been exposed than they are counting on...which I believe more people would have it by now. Since I have every disease known to man..that makes me an expert on infectious diseases.
141 people in the U.S. get swine flu and everyone is wearing masks--millions of people get AIDS and no one wants to wear condoms? What the devil is that all about?
I've read about the media creating mass hysteria, recently even, in my psychology class. I could understand how Orson Wells and the War of the World's radio broadcast in 1938 sent people jumping out of windows in a fit of hysterics. People were paranoid, more impressionable and had access to less information than we do in our era.
Speaking of stupidity and ignorance in the information age, I have to wonder why Russia decided to ban imports of beef and possibly chicken because of swine flu. Does this seem like logical reasoning?
And what about people who have allergies? If they sneeze or cough, are they going to be dragged off to a quarantine camp somewhere for fear they have the dreaded sow sickness?
I get the fact that this could be considered a health threat. For gosh sakes nearly...16 people in Mexico died from it..but Mexico doesn't have the greatest health care system in the world either. Children, the elderly, and those with compromised immune systems are most at risk. So be sure to pack them all into a biohazard suit until the coast is clear.
Do you know how to tell if you have swine flu? Your tail curls. No seriously, click that link for some advice from a doctor about the poop on swine flu, quit letting others tell you what it is or how it spreads and find out for yourself. edit: so do you have swine flu?
I think ignorance and believing things that just aren't true are the real epidemic. Frankly, poor grammar is a worse epidemic than swine flu in my opinion.
Swine flu's got nothing on good ol' bubonic plague...I'm just sayin'. I think we'll have a vaccine strong enough to combat the swine flu before any epidemic rivals that of the Black Death.
The name the WHO gave it even sucks. Swine Flu. Why not: Hog Virus or Piggy Syndrome? But noooooooooo! They wouldn't listen to me!
Their media circus has led other nations like Egypt to slaughter thousands of pigs, hoping to stop the spread of the disease. In the wake of the "swine flu" hysteria the WHO have created, they've now decided to RENAME the bug.
WHO spokesman Dick Thompson acknowledged that the term "swine flu" was misleading consumers and needlessly causing countries to ban pork products and order the slaughter of pigs, over concerns the agriculture industry and U.N. food agency had expressed.
"Rather than calling this swine flu ... we're going to stick with the technical scientific name H1N1 influenza A," Thompson said.
It's now called, H1N1 Influenza A? Gee, that's a much better name alright...
The virus isn't a new one either, as far back as the 70's they discovered the virus in four different forms originating in pigs, but probably mutated at some point and spread with human-to-human contact.
Keep in mind that this virus is infectious up to 48 hours before symptoms appear, so your "well appearing" contacts may actually be infectious. Holding your breath in confined spaces is highly recommended. IF you start turning blue, just continue holding your breath..either way you're screwed pal.
And also keep avoiding pork products. Be sure to wash your hands every five seconds, people will think you are OCD and have you sent off to a rubber room.
Especially since the AP reports a little over an hour ago that the "swine flu" may be less potent than first feared. Feel confused, or stupid now?
It's ironic that people freak out if someone leaves their dog in the car while they buy a quart of milk. But it's ok to lock 5,000 pigs in a confinement center to wallow in their own shit festering with diseases, so close together all they can do is sniff the ass of the pig in front of them.
That's the true face of "the other white meat". What a load of pig shit. The pig has had it rough enough. Lay off them for awhile, ya jerks!
Lastly, health smealth. WHO cares? Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Death should not be seen as the end, but as a very effective way to cut down expenses. Swine flu is the best thing that ever happened to me. Flights are super cheap because of it. Mexico here I come..I'll be as happy as a pig wallowing in it's own zen!
I'm gonna go get kinky with some swine. See ya when I see ya (or not because I may get H1N1 Influenza A hog virus and spew out my last krap ever)!
Click the image for more Piggy Kink
Also, in another Mexico related news story:
Diners report seeing Virgin Mary in food griddle
In Calexico, California a cook says she saw the likeness of the Virgin Mary on a griddle as it was being cleaned.
Maybe we can all pray to the Virgin Mary griddle that we don't have a swine flu epidemic on our hands and then we'll make some killer pork lard pancakes with it...and a side of bacon.
p.s. Happy Mother's Day
who said you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig?
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Listening to:
Thought For The Day No. Six
While doing some investigating on my Google Analytics account I discovered that within our beloved country, I am missing out on some big love. Namely, two states that seem oblivious to the existence of Krapsody. In this day and age the question is how?
Thought For The Day No. Five
Another passing thought I had today when ol' Octomom Nadya Suleman crossed my mind momentarily.
Now that Nadya's tape of her giving birth to her octuplets will be sold to any takers offering a seven figure sum, we'll soon officially know what it's like to witness what it must be like to see a cantaloupe being tossed out of the Grand Canyon...once it's posted on the internet that is.
Higher Than a Giraffe's Ass
"The search for wisdom is a great challenge; to act on wisdom is an even greater challenge."
- Jagadguru Siddhaswarupananda Paramahamsa
What does the term "higher than a giraffe's ass" mean? It 's when someone is really high (on life... or drugs.)
Thought For The Day No. Three
Mon January 05, 2009
Location: Shit, Iran (Krapsody) - Here's an idea. Well, it's more like a shot in the dark, sorta like giving a gun to the blind...
How about our government bails out our poorly funded public schools so that maybe one day our immediate future generations will grow up to be people that will have a fighting chance to be smart enough to design, build and sell cars that are economical, use alternate sources of energy, last longer than a few years and are worth more after driving off the lot - and THEN worry about the failing auto industry, which is...failing, despite the absurdly grotesque amounts of money being thrown at it. Surprise, surprise.
Conceivably everyone should help pitch in and build an SUV-Henge. We know that with big cities strapped for tax income (due to all the foreclosures and all the industries pulling out and moving to China or Timbuktu) public parks are hurting too.
Why not take the current glut of undrive-able SUVs and stack them end on end to build a monument to the Sun that can be used at the Summer Solstice to appease whatever Gods are mad at us? (Probably all of them right now.)
A majestic Public Works project is usually just the ticket to cheer people up during hard times, and the raw material and free labor is all around you. If that fails we can always call it "public art." Thousands of years from now OUR ancestors will find SUV-Henge and wonder what the fuck that was all about.
Or maybe we can just continue spinning our wheels and doing everything ass backwards in our denial, and continue the cycle of feeble attempts to look like we know what the hell we are doing? Hey, perhaps a small kick back (just a little bit) to public schools wouldn't hurt in the long run, you know, so the kids can actually learn how to spell "denial", "feeble", and "would you like fries with that?"...if that idea isn't too hard to swallow.
I could sugarcoat it all for you poor apathetic spineless saps that can barely manage to lick the boots of real democracy. Instead, I try to offer much more pleasant things you can think about while the American Way of Life collapses around your ears. Then, once the dust settles, we can all relax, and commence destroying the planet again (in an entirely different way this time.)
School closures are a serious fricking matter people. I rue the day when our daily routine looks like this:
If you are in denial about your feeble attempts to understand how the internet works, and your fat sausage-like fingers are too greasy from eating fries - just click this here darn link right there duhur! ---> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0O7_3o3BrI
Oh, forget it. We're doomed. The only logical choice is to hoard rice.
Come on, I know you want to do it with me. Sometimes, just being told you aren’t allowed to do something is enough to make that thing the only thing in the world you ever wanted to do. It's reverse psychology, but now I may have ruined it for the novice thinker.
If that's the case I'll happily walk you through the process: Buy your four 100 pound bag limit at one Sam’s Club, drive to another and buy four more, then back to the one you started at and buy four more, and don’t stop until your entire house is so full of burlap bags of rice you think you are on a Red Cross ship bound for Myanmar.
There. That ought to keep you busy for the next couple of weeks or so until Barack Obama is finally President. I don’t know how much he’ll be able to fix by the time the inaugural ball is finally over, but at least the madmen will have gone back to Texas.
Anyone want some rice?
Thought For The Day Too
A little romance in the park... not what you think.
After seeing this photo, I thought to myself, "Is that guy sticking his tongue out in the first pic? Ack, geez Louise" (that's the dog's name.) But then, I also started to ponder this scenario.
Gee, y'know, who am I to judge? If this man is in love with a dog, they should be able to marry, have the same rights as you and me, and live happily ever after. Nothing about it should threaten traditional family values.
After all, they'll be divorced within a few months. We know how slutty, fickle and materialistic those Afghan bitches are. She'll get the car, the house, the kids, and he'll get stuck with all the bills. Yeah, that about sums it up.
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