Happy New Year

Wishing everyone a Happy New Year! Please be safe. And remember the simple things you are grateful for or appreciate.

On a personal note, I won't be updating the blog for a couple days. After struggling with the ravages of age-related conditions and terminal illness for many months, my dad passed away yesterday afternoon. Being the free spirit he was, he had a good sense humor, so I think he'd appreciate a joke.

New Year Prayer for the Elderly

God,

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Rest in peace dad.

Christmas Prowler On Loose is Caught

How to tell if you've been naughty

Sat Dec. 27 , 2008

Christmas Town, U.S.A. (Krapsody) - The Christmas prowler still on the on loose has a name...Santa! That's right year after year "jolly old Saint Nick" has been raiding and looting homes across the globe!

It's the night before Christmas and you might think that you and your family are safe and snug in your beds, but if you think that no one is stirring, not even a mouse, you're sadly mistaken. The truth is that Christmas Eve is the one time of year when you're in the most danger from America's longest-running fugitive, the midnight prowler known as "Santa Claus."

From Russia With Love

"He's making a list / Checking it twice" Remember those lyrics from "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town?" Well, in the spirit of making lists and gift-giving, I'd like to share what I really want for Christmas - a Russian mail-order bride.

Let me add that this is only because I get three thousand spam emails per day that push me towards seeking one. Well, not quite that many really...but since they were offering, I naturally got curious to see what's behind the former Iron Curtain (since it's too difficult to look through the rivet hole.)

A Letter From Santa

A Letter from Santa

Ho, ho, f****** ho,

Merry f$%^&*#@ Christmas. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Santa's heard it all before. "Santa! Santa! I want stuff! Give me more STUFF!" I tell ya what, all that thankless consumerism is really starting to give old Santa a rash. You all seem to think that Santa exists for no other reason than to bust his ass every Christmas just so you can get the latest bit of tawdry crap you saw on your teevee last night. Christ!

Well, when it comes down to it, Santa will probably end up giving in (Santa always has been a softy); but Santa ain't gonna' like it!


You might ask yourself how Santa copes. I'll let you in on a little secret: the answer is "barely". Ho ho ho! (Santa really busts himself up.) Anyway, Santa always finds it therapeutic to blow off a little steam during the "shopping" season by getting together with all his fellow Santas... (What? you didn't think there was just one of us? For the entire planet?! What a rube!)

...Anyway, like Santa was saying, Santa likes to get together with his pals and head on out on bicycle (to keep Santa's girlish figure) for a bit of pre-season Merry Making. Santa invariably does a lil drinking and, well, sometimes things get a wee bit out of hand. Deal with it. It's Santa. If you complain, ya won't get nuttin' but coal in your stocking.

(lousy ingrate)

SC

Shoe Tossing For You

Sun Dec. 21, 2008

Bagdad, Iraq (Krapsody) - How about some good ol' shoe tossing for the whole family?
Shoe tossing for me, shoe tossing for you, shoe tossing for all!

YOU DOGS!

I'm of course referring to those shoes that came flying at George W. Bush during his Baghdad press conference on Sunday Dec. 14, 2008.

Bush was regurgitating his usual drivel about why he stopped golfing, and the multi-billion dollar success of the war in Iraq, when a TV journalist from Egypt named Muntadhar al-Zeidi threw his shoes at President Bush.

Bush displayed terrific athleticism in dodging both shoes, don't you think? He was like a fierce jungle cat! An agile ninja!

He exhibited remarkable composure, and he calmly resumed the press conference without skipping a beat. "This is your farewell kiss, you dog!" al-Zeidi shouted in Arabic before he was tackled by Iraqi reporters.

When the Secret Service "body man" finally appeared and made a move to wrap the president in a human shield -- as if it had just dawned on the Secret Service that they were in the middle of Iraq (new Secret Service motto: "We said we'd take a bullet; nobody ever said anything about a shoe!") -- Bush subtly waved him away. No way was he leaving Iraq cowed and covered.

"OK, everybody calm down for a minute," the president said. "And if you want some -- if you want the facts, it's a size 10 shoe that he threw."

Then as he assessed a room full of nervous laughter and building embarrassment, he added, "Thank you for your concern, do not worry about it. So what if a guy threw a shoe at me?" Bush laughed off the incident with a pun, saying: "I don't know what the guy said, but I saw his sole."

Who would have thought that such an ugly, unpleasant incident would turn into Bush's finest hour? He was calm, collected, and composed. How unusual is that?

Totally unscripted, nobody had been prepped. It was Bush's best conference, or speech in his presidency, ever. A sea of calm in the country of his discontent.

Of course within hours of the reported shoe-throwing, the memes began appearing all over internet land. "Shoegate" is a monumental viral video event, that includes animated images and at least two games: The Flying Babush and Bush's Boot Camp.

You can watch a video of shoe-throwing mashups below.




Bush was certainly not humiliated the way al-Zeidi expected, or the way al-Zeidi turned out himself. He just needed a better pair of shoes. Maybe a pair of steel-toed exploding sandals to fling next time. Let's see what GW thinks about this!

Iraq Shoe Throwing Store - watch more funny videos

Hey, all this attention and subsequent lampooning could have been worse. It's not the first time and certainly won't be the last time that public figures will be mercilessly mocked and ridiculed.

The acutely embarrassing photograph of Senator John McCain (on the right) caught with his tongue hanging out after the third and final presidential debate on October 15, 2008 also became a subject of pitiless ridicule on the internet, with its many Photoshopped, remastered, and creatively exploited spoofs and spin-offs, such as the few seen on the left.

This resulted in a cascade of hilarity, the likes of which have not been seen since Tom Cruise made an ass of himself on the infamous Scientology video. Cruise is still taking hits for that and his glib appearance on that Today Show Interview with Matt Lauer so many years ago. It seems like aeons now.

And tomorrow we'll have another event to make fun of. So let the LULZ commence.

Krapsody's Nottie of the Week™ #5

A bit of time between the last installment of Krapsody's Nottie of The Week™. Here's the most recent submission from a seasonal Mall Santa. The rest of the year he moonlights as Buddah, Jabba the Hutt, the Goodyear Blimp, or a crowd of people in low budget movies. Once again the Christmas is in danger! The problems with Santa's wife and elves have pushed the man in red to seek love on the internet.

Bad Holiday Theme Campaigns

This is a story about the ACCCE's Magical Mystery Carbon Storage Adventure! and their Bad Holiday Campaign to promote "clean coal."

ACCCE in recent years has spread its falsehoods on TV, radio, and in print, often spending millions. In 2008, ACCCE’s clean coal campaign reportedly had $50 million to spend on pro-coal, anti-climate initiatives.

And this is the shit they spent it on.

Thought For The Day Too

A little romance in the park... not what you think.

After seeing this photo, I thought to myself, "Is that guy sticking his tongue out in the first pic? Ack, geez Louise" (that's the dog's name.) But then, I also started to ponder this scenario.

Gee, y'know, who am I to judge? If this man is in love with a dog, they should be able to marry, have the same rights as you and me, and live happily ever after. Nothing about it should threaten traditional family values.

After all, they'll be divorced within a few months. We know how slutty, fickle and materialistic those Afghan bitches are. She'll get the car, the house, the kids, and he'll get stuck with all the bills. Yeah, that about sums it up.

Xmas Cometh or Not

Sat Dec. 06, 2008

North Pole (Krapsody) - Xmas Cometh!
Christmas is coming. 1 in 10 people are excited. 9 in 10 people could give a damn. Why are Santa’s elves at the North Pole so short? Many of the materials they used to make toys come from China. This has made Santa very depressed. Leading him to turn to pornography, drink heavily, smoke, and use intravenous drugs.

The Great Turkey Massacre of 2008

Thur Nov. 27, 2008

United States, Canada (Krapsody) - Most everyone, I'm sure, know that Thanksgiving represents a day set aside for family gathering and feasting upon the traditional bird called turkey – a day traditionally recognized as giving thanks for the current year’s favorable occurrences, a day we refer to as Thanksgiving Day, an American tradition. But did ya know, it's also a bloodbath?

Little do most people know that domesticated turkeys are normally slaughtered at between 9 and 21 weeks old, depending on the size of bird being produced (the natural lifespan of a turkey is around 10 years). 15 million or more turkeys were slaughtered this year. The majority of young birds were dragged from their beds in hours just before dawn, stuffed into crates, and taken to veritable concentration camps throughout America and Canada.

In most "camps", the turkeys were removed from their crates and hung upside down by their legs from shackles on a moving line. Turkeys hung shackled for up to 3 minutes before being stunned and that time was probably frequently exceeded. The pain caused to heavy birds while they hung in shackles was reported to be considerable, where they were eventually killed in large, semi-automated slaughterhouses.

The shackled turkeys were taken along the assembly line to an electrically charged stunning water bath through which the bird’s heads were dragged in order to render them unconscious, and thus insensible to pain before their necks were cut. After the bird’s necks were cut they were placed into a scalding tank, designed to loosen their feathers before plucking.

Some of those automated steps are still carried out by laborers, turkey killers if you will, who have to do the slaughtering by hand. The rest, awaiting their turn, were dumped in chain link fence enclosed labor camps, and required to dispose of any unused turkey parts from the assembly lines. Generally, by eating them. All of this in the name of tradition.

Turkeys are still popularly believed to be unintelligent birds with claims made that during a rain storm turkeys will look up into the sky until they drown. Despite this image, the turkey is no more or less intelligent than a comparable animal, and while the birds will look at the sky for up to a minute during a rain storm, this is due to a genetic nervous disorder known as tetanic torticollar spasms. Which is a fancy way of saying, "scared shitless."

Clearly, as evinced in these photographs of turkeys incognito, they can't be all that dumb since they seem to know the art of disguise.

What turkey wants to be found at Thanksgiving?? Not these guys! Mr. Turkey, Run Away Run Away!

Other criticisms include the bird being 'too dumb' to realize it can't fly, and perceptions about the bird being awkward, both traits being due to the breeding of modern turkeys to be much heavier than their wild relatives to provide more meat.

Also, an inaccurate description of turkeys. More photographic evidence, as shown below, can discredit this accusation.

I think the graceful, streamlined Turkey Airlines can get plenty of meat into that jet. Don't you?

Mmm, just LOOK at ALL THAT MEAT!

Palin pardon amid savage turkey butchery

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has issued her traditional Thanksgiving "pardon" for one turkey - while other birds were slaughtered behind her. Too bad that crazy bird Palin also wasn't slaughtered.

The former Republican vice-presidential candidate was doing her governor's "duty" to save one lucky bird at a farm in Wasilla, Alaska.

But in the video footage of Mrs. Palin, a man can be seen butchering birds, and grinning like a madman in the background. Look at him, he's a spitting image of Groucho Marx!

Tom Turkey commented on this tragedy, "This is horrible! We've been farmed, detained, experienced forced labor. Much like Hitler had done with Nazi concentration camps during WWII. It's like a fricken holocaust here. At least they fed us well, but only to fatten us up!"

"I know my time is up next year, some new Tom will be pardoned, and I'll be slaughtered along with the rest. I was lucky enough that Gov. Palin pardoned me," Tom's wattle quivering a bit, "I've had to watch my friends, and entire family get brutally murdered!"

Tom the Turkey shows his disgust with people

"That Palin is just like Hitler," Tom continued,

or maybe it's Stalin she reminds me of."

"Palin is spelled close enough to Stalin, innit? What I do know is, she embodies pure evil. And Palin rhymes with Satan."

"Whew! Thank the Turkey Feathered Heavens that bitch won't ever be president, huh?" Tom exclaimed.

Tom's eyes start to bulge and well up with tears at this point, "This is a horrible time of year. People are complete animals. Have they no compassion? Oh, the humanity! This is madness!!! Madness I SAY!!!!!!!"

Tom says he is now being treated for post-traumatic stress disorder in therapy. He asserts that after several months he should be able to come to terms with what he has experienced thus far.

Mrs. Palin did not comment on the slaughter taking place.
However, she was quoted on camera as saying, "This was neat," she told reporters, referring to her "pardon" of a turkey.

"I was happy to get to be invited to participate in this. For one, you need a little bit of levity in this job. It's nice to get out and... participate in something that isn't so heavy-handed politics that it invites criticism. Certainly will invite criticism for doing this too, but at least it was fun. Teeheehee!"

Let us give thanks...

Can we not agree that it is just childish to like stirring up dust. It can be surmised that both Republicans and Democrats alike have flung plenty of mud in their quest for control of this country. So much so, that even a holiday like Thanksgiving has to be even more tainted than it already is.

Lest we forget, it was the Native American peoples who bailed out the religious dissidents, later known as colonists or pilgrims, when they were on the verge of starvation. The common accepted "Thanksgiving" feast, held in 1621 after a brutal winter at Plymouth, Massachusetts, was really a traditional harvest celebration that the English settlers, nor the Wamponaog Indians were not entirely unfamiliar with. The Native Americans and European colonists shared this harvest celebration differently in each of their cultures. The Natives taught the colonists to plant crops and hunt wild game in a land foreign to them. And Squanto taught your great-great-great grandma what teabaggin' is.

Without the Native Americans, the "Pilgrims" may not have survived the harsh winter and been able to celebrate their first harvest of plentiful crops in the New World. It is known that when Massasoit showed up with 90 men and saw there was a party going on, they then went out and brought back five deer and lots of turkeys. Possibly a Cheech and Chong-sized joint also. Though the details of this event have become clouded in secular mythology, judging by the inability of the settlers to provide for themselves at this time as detailed in Edward Winslow’s accounts, it is most likely that Massasoit and his people provided most of the food for this "historic" meal. Which the colonists bastardized by turning the turkey into a pop culture icon, complete with pink running suit, gold chains, and ebonics.

The Wampanoags, as well as many other tribes and the Colonists never fully trusted one another. Would you trust someone in a loin cloth, or someone with a hat three times the size of their head? But they were willing to come together for a feast, and discuss possible coexistence. That is the true meaning of Thanksgiving. And how did the European settlers thank them? By slaughtering them all and forcing them, one tribe after another, to live on reservations. Let's be frank, the Plymouth colonists were never concerned with "rights or ownership of land" or "freedom of religion" for anyone but themselves.

A mere generation later, the balance of power had shifted so enormously and the theft of land by the European settlers had become so egregious that the Wampanoag were forced into battle. In 1637, English soldiers massacred some 700 Pequot men, women and children at Mystic Fort, burning many of them alive in their homes and shooting those who fled. The colony of Connecticut and Massachusetts Bay Colony observed a day of "Thanksgiving" commemorating the massacre.

By 1675, there were some 50,000 colonists in the place they had named "New England." That year, Metacom, a son of Massasoit, one of the first whose generosity had saved the lives of the starving settlers, led a rebellion against them. By the end of the conflict known as King Philip’s War, which included such tragedies as the Great Swamp Fight, where hundreds of native women, children and infirm Narragansett Indians were burned alive in a large fort at what is now South Kingstown, Rhode Island, most of the Indian peoples of the Northeast region had been either completely wiped out, sold into slavery, or had fled for safety into Canada. Shortly after Metacom’s death, Plymouth Colony declared a day of "Thanksgiving" for the English victory over the Indians. How sick is that?

For many Indian people, "Thanksgiving" is a time of mourning, of remembering how a gift of generosity was rewarded by theft of land and seed corn, extermination of many from disease and at the hands of settlers, and near total destruction of many more from forced assimilation. As currently celebrated in this country, "Thanksgiving" is a bitter reminder of 500 years of betrayal returned for friendship. Betrayal by complete psychotics.

Why will you take by force what you may have quietly by love? Why will you destroy us who supply you with food? What can you get by war? We can hide our provisions and run into the woods; then you will starve for wronging your friends. Why are you jealous of us? We are unarmed, and willing to give you what you ask, if you come in a friendly manner, and not so simple as not to know that it is much better to eat good meat, sleep comfortably, live quietly with my wives and children, laugh and be merry with the English, and trade for their copper and hatchets, than to run away from them, and to lie cold in the woods, feed on acorns, roots and such trash, and be so hunted that I can neither eat nor sleep. In these wars, my men must sit up watching, and if a twig break, they all cry out "Here comes Captain Smith!" So I must end my miserable life. Take away your guns and swords, the cause of all our jealousy, or you may all die in the same manner.

– Powhatan (exchanging views with Captain John Smith, 1607-08)

It is a Thanksgiving custom in America for the president and other elected officials to officially pardon a turkey. But who pardoned the Native Americans? I'd like to travel back in time and give them uzis to defend themselves with.

Like the Native American peoples, a majority of turkeys are also not so lucky. However - the turkey is the traditional centerpiece of Americans' Thanksgiving dinner. And Native Americans just get to be inaccurately, and poorly acted out in elementary school plays about a historically inaccurate Thanksgiving ceremony across the nation. Every holiday has some sort of irony and bittersweet story behind it, doesn't it?

Well, I suppose we cannot change what happened. But we can change the way we think about things.

Here's KTUU's unedited video that was posted to YouTube, which features, as the governor speaks at Triple D Farm & Hatchery outside Wasilla, an unblinking look at what happens at turkey farms the week before Thanksgiving.

Sarah is one cold turkey.

As for the rest of you turkeys, good luck in escaping Christmas Day Carnage!

Ask Static: Part Forsaken

Before I get to the nitty gritty of a reader's email, the fourth question for Krapsody's advice column, Ask Static, I trust everyone is having a good holiday so far this year. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours from Krapsody.

Be safe kids. We will have no drunken carousing while trying to shoot a turkey at the last minute, and taking out your foot instead. Also, please refrain from slaughtering turkeys in the background while a former vice-presidential candidate is doing a television interview. That is just really poor taste. Thank you.

Now that we have that covered, I'm sifting through the rubbish that is my email, and Great Scott, what's this? This one looks interesting. Yes, I think this one is quite good.

Krapsody's Nottie of the Week™ #3 and #4

Once upon a time, some freak consumed blue cotton candy, marshmallows, and crack. Then shit out the Smurfs. My greatest achievement? I created Krapspot Personals.

Here's installments 3 and 4 of the Nottie of the Week™ series. I've just been absolutely swamped, so I wasn't able to post #3 up last week. So here are the submissions. Beware they may tickle YOUR fancy. You know where to respond... right here! And you have our sympathies should you be so inclined.

Some of you may remember Kearney from the animated tv show, "The Simpsons". Well, he's real, he's grown up as much as he could 'til now, and he's still a loser. His long list of repulsive turn-ons include: bullying children, hairy chests, elderly women's underpants, Comic Book Guy, and hunchbacks named Sven.

Kearney, seriously. The gay Teutonic thrash metal scene is dead. Even Udo Dirkschneider thinks you suck, pig-boy. Do humankind a favor: go juggle pin-less grenades while riding a wild boar through a minefield, you Grandma-chasing bloomer fetishist. Now that's a killer song, or a kick ass Simpson's episode!


And whom do we have here, or I should say, what on God's Green EARTH do we have here?

 

All I can say is... sheesh! Christ jesus, is it Halloween again, already? That's one hella ugly beast. I don't think I've seen anyone that fugly in a long, long time. And it won't be too soon, should it happen again. Damn your eyes.

Iona, pay attention and listen up. You are possibly the ugliest person in the world, but until someone uglier comes along, you'll do just fine. This personal ad makes people want to choke on their own vomit. You are scaring people away, they fear they'll be trampled to death by a herd of your bargain-hunting friends at a summer sale. Please, go where no-one has ever been before - and stay there.

I had a funny feeling that when I set up a place for personal ad submissions, that the quality of people would be absolute krap. Little wonder with all the freaks out there in internet land. Perhaps those two would make a great couple. I just hope they don't procreate, because unchecked reproduction will be the end of all things.

Gee, you know I can't wait to see what kind of profiles are awaiting me in my inbox for next weeks reviewing. I'm sure it will be more grief, wailing and gnashing of teeth. But then I might not have anything to write about, and you might not have anything to read... until next time.

What do you think - would you date either of the persons above? Leave me your comments at the link below.

Kim Jong Missing?

Fri Nov. 21, 2008

PYONGYANGSWEETPOONTANG, North Korea (Krapsody) -- North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il has been suffering from serious health problems, and may have had a stroke, perhaps he has just lost what's left of his mind, U.S. lack-of-intelligence officials told Krapsody Tuesday -- the same day Kim missed a parade celebrating the 60th anniversary of the Communist nation.

But other sources say that Kim Jong Il made the remark that he's reportedly fed up with being in the public eye, and wants to be even more elusive and mysterious like Batman, Howard Hughes, or his personal hero, Pee Wee Herman. He already has the eccentric and rich parts down pat.

A recently released photograph of Jong-Il was supposed to prove that he's alive and well. Instead, it's raising even more suspicions about his health because the photo appears to have been doctored.

 

  

While the legs of his soldiers cast a shadow at a sharp angle, the shadow of the “Dear Leader” is dead straight. In addition, there's a black line running horizontally behind the soldiers’ legs, but it mysteriously disappears behind Mr. Elusive and Mysterious.


A closer look reveals a possible culprit.

 

Yes, his farts are that strong, really. His farts are the main causes of disrupting radio transmissions and satellite images of his country. They've even been known to cause solar flares. Scientists aren't even sure just how much his flatulence may have affected the entire universe.

But enough of that, we could go on and on in speculation about his lack of recent public appearances until the mind spins. Let's just see what the reclusive shmo has really been up to.

Krapsody purchased these rare and unseen photos of Kim and his whereabouts since his "disappearance." These candid moments are a typical Saturday evening for Kim.

A little fun with Where's Waldo Jong Il? 

Eww. Hanging at home in his underwear - drinking, belching, and farting. 

 
Trying out his new poker face. 

That's it. Pretty much the same old stuff I see. Of course I imagine he's also been doing plenty of posing in platform shoes in front of those wonderful backdrops he's so famous for..just to kill time. It must be difficult to be such a mad genius with no goals, direction, or purpose. Kim must feel pretty isolated right about now.


Kim if you are out there reading this; cheer up, the world is your oyster, you need to get out more. I've got a fantastic idea. You have a horrible singing voice and you have those creepy sunglasses. You should be a Yoko Ono impersonator.

Now doesn't that make you feel better?

Gloria in Excelsis Deo

Mon Nov. 17, 2008

Drama, Greece (Krapsody) - A sad day for Krapsody as one of our reporters, Gloria Phlogiston, was done in at a motocross track yesterday evening while taping a story about the dangers involved with motorcycle racing. The captured footage gives a horrifying glimpse of when stunts go wrong, such as her coverage of the world speed record made in a jet powered wheelchair that ended in the deaths of well over 90 people in September.

Contained in the video clip you will see that Gloria is sitting on the tailgate of a large truck which has been rigged with pyrotechnic special effects and includes a hidden motorcycle that is supposed to fly out the back of the truck and detonate the explosives. The motorcycle appears momentarily in the background behind Gloria, the pyrotechnics erupt with a brief flash igniting Gloria's hair and microphone, whereupon she catches fire, curses and collapses to the ground.

Krapsody's Nottie of the Week™ #2!

Back by popular demand, a second installment of Krapsody's Nottie of the Week™!

For your viewing pleasure, our newest member. Lou Zar, a 24 year-old garbage man from Shitsville, USA. Drop me an email to let me know if you'd like to meet this charmer.

Well, by the looks of Lou's profile, he seems rather confused as to how to submit a good picture and properly lie about himself in order to get a date. He probably doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his ass on a regular basis. Maybe someone will appreciate his sense of humor.

Lou if you are reading this, you are nothing more than the words used to dismiss you. Do yourself and everyone else a favor: either pull the glove over your entire head until you suffocate, or fasten a boulder to your clubfoot and go parachuting off the steep side of Mount Everest. I hope that in the future, you will kindly submit more appropriate photos before assaulting unsuspecting readers of this blog with your visual atrocities.

Tune in next week for the next maladjusted, mattress-soiling dreg of the Internet.

Ladies and Gentlemen: The 44th President of the United States of America

The day Senator Barack Obama was elected the 44th president of this great land, marks an important day in history. In fact, apparently the whole world thought so too. Thousands, nay millions, perhaps billions of people were freaking out all over the planet. Dancing, parading, waving banners of praise in the streets; once again falling in love with the USA and it's leader after many years of being repulsed by it. I wonder how George W. felt about all that? Talk about being the most unpopular guy ever.

Obama's First Task as President

Washington, D.C. (Krapsody) - As you all know, unless you are living under a rock, or in a cave, America has chosen it's new leader. We give you President Barack "the Brock" Obama. America's first whitest "black" president.

American voters did face the most difficult of all decisions in last night's election. Polls indicated that after Obama's infomercial on Oct 30, many voters were confused as to whether to vote Obama, and they'd receive a free set of Ginsu knives and a Bedazzler; or whether to vote McCain and receive a senior citizen Wal-Mart greeter with Alzheimer's, and a grinning redneck dressed in Banana Republican outerwear shooting squirrels in their backyard. Certainly a tough decision by any standards.

Pantless Trouble in Utah

Mon Oct. 27, 2008

Salt Lake City, Utah (Krapsody) - A woman was escorted from a TRAX train Monday morning after fellow riders reported that she was not wearing any pants. Yes, not wearing any pants.

Around 7:30 a.m., Utah Transit Authority officers bum rushed the woman and escorted her off the train. They proceeded with interrogating her inside a musty janitor closet on a small, uncomfortable wooden chair under a bright lamp at the 5400 South station in Midellanowhere, Utah.

After the officers argued over who was going to play out "good cop, bad cop" and finally "sauntering cop, shimmying cop" roles with the "nekkid" woman, they suddenly realized she was in fact wearing a miniskirt. Her coat was covering the skirt, leading fellow riders to stare at, and their evil gossiping wives to believe she was not wearing anything beneath her waist, said UTA spokesman Harry Ballsack-Slapper (who is a Mormon and has thirteen wives).

After the retarded Nazis interviewed the woman and realized their error, they let her get back on the train and continue her ride, with some psychological scarring and a little less dignity than when she started her trip perhaps.

The moral of the story is to make sure that your fellow passengers don't decide that you aren't wearing pants, even though you are. So maybe you shouldn't wear any just in case you get pulled from a train in Utah. Just be sure to wear a coat that covers that miniskirt you're wearing, because if you were really naked that would be wrong... and disturbing.

Since hardly anything newsworthy happens in Utah other than the usual polygamist prosecution cases, people getting thrown from trains and re-enactments of the Mountain Meadows Massacre of Sept. 11th, 1857, here is an unrelated story; On Thursday, a fire gutted the Salt Lake City, Utah library causing $6.95 worth of damage . . . It could have been worse but someone had the coloring book checked out.

Story taken from The Salt Lake Tribune article, 10/27/08

Krapsody's Nottie of the Week™!

You may have already heard of the Hottie of the Week memes many blogs and other websites publish.

But not until now has the internet had the Nottie of the Week™!

That's right, it's a new meme I just created. It's officially trademarked now, and Krapsody has it's own personals and internet dating forum, Krapspot Personals right here at Krapsody - where you can meet a stalker meant for you.

So tune in each week to see the ugliest, most disgusting mugs to grace the pages of anything, anywhere on the planet. Maybe you can meet your match. Only here at Krapsody folks. This should be a perfect Halloween scare!


The first inclusion:

Anita Mann looks like she is just a bundle of joy. And quite fit for a bucket of turkey vomit. Maybe these ads are normally charged by the word, but I think that "Vile, repulsive, single, with eyes-so-large-and-fish like-and-abnormally-spread-apart-that-sheep-dog-bangs-a-moustache-and-a-cigarette-couldn't-conceal-her-identity..." would be a much more accurate description. Seriously? An Ewok king someplace is gonna be pissed when he finds out that his daughter is peddling herself.

Here' another fantastic idea. Join a free internet dating site, like OkCupid.com and create a fake profile.

Be creative, submit a fake picture of the ugliest person alive (or close enuff) snatched from anywhere on the net, create a set of bogus interests and details about "yourself" and then eventually send me the link. I'll take a screen shot and post it here for a Nottie of the Week™ showcase. This should bring about the ultimate lulz, especially if you get responses. Our fiasco could also possibly bring the end to internet dating.

Be an internet meme for Halloween and out-nerd your friends... I'll be posting up my fake profile soon. =D

Zoo Trainer Loses Keys Inside Elephant

Tues Oct. 18, 2008

Monaco, France (Krapsody) - On Saturday at the Monaco Zoo, Alois Schieklgrüber, one of the most famous elephant trainers in Europe, lost his keys to the animal cages inside an elephant. It was a master set, making the situation all the more urgent. An emergency extraction had to be performed. The elephant, Penelope, is said to be out of harms way and is doing well. It is reported that the keys could have caused a "bowel problem", requiring an unconventional method of removal.

Krapcipe: Spam Skillet Casserole - Broil until golden

* Exported from MasterSlop (a subsidy of Krap Imports)*

SPAM SKILLET CASSEROLE RECIPE by Sir Static of Krapsody - Decimator of Spammers

Recipe By : The Robot Defeating, Cannibalistic Tribes of Papua New Guinea

Serving Size : 6 Preparation Time 24:00:01

Categories : Casseroles Main dish

Ingredients and Preparation Method
------------------------------------------------------
1 entire SPAMMER (130-365 lbs), de-boned, and cubed
2 Baking potatoes, cut into-1/8″ slices
1 c Thinly sliced carrots
1 c Thinly sliced onions
1/2 c Thinly sliced celery
2 Garlic cloves, minced
2 tb Flour
1 t Coarsely ground pepper
3/4 t Dried whole thyme
1 cn No-salt-added green beans-drained (16 oz)
1 cn No-salt-added whole-tomatoes, drained and-chopped (16 oz)
1 cn No-salt-added vegetable-juice cocktail (5 1/2 oz)
Butter-flavor vegetable-cooking spray

Cook potatoes in boiling water 3 minutes or until crisp-tender. Drain. In industrial sized skillet, cook SPAMMER until browned; remove from skillet. Add carrots to skillet and saute 4-5 minutes, stirring frequently. Add onion, celery, and garlic; saute until vegetables are tender. Combine flour, pepper, and thyme. Stir flour mixture into vegetable mixture; cook 1 minute, stirring constantly. Add browned SPAM, green beans, tomato, and vegetable juice cocktail. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Remove skillet from heat; arrange potato slices over SPAM mixture to cover completely. Spray potato slices with vegetable cooking spray (or 1/2 gallon of the spammers lard or if unavailable 1 quart imported Iraqi petroleum oil will do). Broil 6″ from heat source *1,426 minutes and 1 second* or until golden. Garnish with the following: scalped hair, toe/fingernails, clothing and shoes.

ENJOY (teh lulz)!

Keanu Reeves Gets Even With Paparazzo

Fri Oct. 10, 2008

Hollywood, CA (Krapsody) - Keanu Reeves ran over a photographer yesterday afternoon with his Porsche. The photographer, Sal Saliva, has survived and is suing Mr. Reeves, the star of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and Letting Go.

Reeves shown here, gained a few
pounds for future role as a sumo wrestler.

Saliva has filed a lawsuit against Reeves, for allegedly running him over. Saliva claims his face is mangled and his entire body was shattered, including his pelvis and his arms.

However, the hospital that attended Saliva, stated he was treated for a broken pinky toe and some minor cuts and bruises, then released later that evening.

Saliva also filed a motion to prohibit Reeves' camp from referring to him in future proceedings as a paparazzo or member of the paparazzi.

Saliva argues, such terminology could cast him in a negative light with the jury, citing in part the blame placed on paparazzi for the death of Princess Diana. Even though Saliva has been fingered, and additionally pointed at as one of the responsible parties in her death, the finger has since been washed, thoroughly.

Saliva, mad as hell.Saliva stated he would prefer to be called a "reporter," "celebrity photographer" or "photojournalist," and wants restitution in the amount of $100 billion U.S. dollars for the accident, and for being called a "Scumbag Paparazzo", according to the filing.

"Reeves broke my ass, and hurt my feelings, adding insult to injury, dammit. I demand compensation!", Saliva said.
"But, at least he didn't sit on me. Have you seen how fat he is now?", he quipped.

The motion left Reeves' camp wondering, "What about all the times Saliva referred to himself as a paparazzo, or a piss gargling arse-wipe?"

Reeves camp was further quoted as saying, "How politically correct do we need to be here, people? When do we dispense with calling a feathered mammal, simply, a duck; cease calling a liar, a politician; and refrain from referring to highway robbers as stockbrokers?"

"This is outrageous," Reeves camp added, "and we shall simply refer to Saliva as The Scumbag Paparazzo Keanu Reeves Should Have Backed Up and Run Over a Third Time, from now on."

Reeves' motion states, that Saliva certainly won't be covering any serious news (lame insider gossip and fake stories) or shooting anyone's portrait (standing in their bushes taking pictures of them in the shower) in the near future. Rather, he'll be "learning how to walk again, taking morphine doses until he passes out/nearly overdoses, putting together jigsaw puzzles, emptying his colostomy bag daily, continuing to take up space and breathe air, and of course, drooling incessantly -- things he did before the accident anyway. So why should we refer to him in any other manner."

The unexpected twist: Saliva's MySpace page is listed as belonging to "The Scumbag Keanu Reeves Should Have Backed Up and Run Over A Third Time."

Reeves has denied any wrongdoing, saying that Saliva tripped over his own feet, and fell under his car while attempting to jump onto the hood to capture a candid shot. Keanu stated, "Woah dudes, I didn't want to slow down. In fact, if I remember correctly, I think I accelerated when I saw him fall."

Story taken from eonline.com article, 10/10/2008

Ask Static: Part Tresbian

Yes, it's that time again folks. I get to answer your questions and offer a teaspoonful of my wisdom (anymore than that and you might gag or your brain could explode). I was recently contacted by a reader who has a rather unusual predicament. It seems she has a male friend who is a little bit too curious about her relationships with her girlfriends, if you know what I mean. No? Then read on to find out more...

Warning - This Post Contains: EGGS

...and bitches.

Oct. 05, 2008

Heyas everyone! Miss me while I was gone? I has beens so busy busy busy.
Y'know I have so many things to do. Like:

• Taste testing prison food (tastes just like dog food... blech!).
• Seeing how long I can hold my breath (Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible. My personal best is 2:00 (exactly).
• Trying to not think about polar bears (which is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway).
• Attempting to swallow my own tongue (there's not much to say about this one. It is possible.)

The list never seems to get shorter, no matter how much I scratch off of it.

Anyway, I was doing some reading the other day, and it appears that Dennis Quaid fired back at his ex-wife Meg Ryan for comments she made to In Style magazine about their marriage.

"It was eight years ago, and I find it unbelievable that Meg continues publicly to rehash and rewrite the story of our relationship," he told The New York Daily News,

"Gawd! Why doesn't she just get over my drunken, crack smokin', whore-mongering phase already? Jeez!"


Meg and Dennis divorced on July 16, 2001. Eight years after their split, Meg Ryan is finally willing to talk about her split from Dennis Quaid. . DRAMA!

“Dennis was not faithful to me for a very long time, and that was very painful,” she says in the new issue of In Style “I found out more about that after I was divorced.”

And as for her scandalous relationship with Russell Crowe?
“I think he took a big hit. But Russell didn’t break up the marriage. He was definitely there at the end, but it wasn’t his fault. I was a mess. I hurt him too at the end. I couldn’t be in another long relationship, it wasn’t the time for that. So I got out … My time as a scarlet woman was really interesting. I was a cum dumpster, a total whore. As painful as it was, it was also incredibly liberating. Now I was utterly free. I didn’t have to care about what people thought. I could be a total whore and what would it matter.”

Meg also talks about being dubbed America’s Sweetheart:
“It’s an old-fashioned idea, so anachronistic. I understood it was a compliment about being lovable, and it felt nice … but it also felt, after a time, like ideas were being projected onto me that had nothing to do with me,” she says. “The girl next door to what? I never felt like a very conventional person. I felt more like the girl next door to the red-light district, a total whore. You guys liked it and so did I. Tee hee!”
(she giggled and scrunched up her nose like she always does in her cute girly movie roles)

It’s always fascinating to me when celebrities talk about their pasts many years later. It's even more fascinating to see how they look after all these years.

Damn, she ugly. You ain't missin' much Dennis, nope not much at all. She's all used up man. Wow, Meg Ryan used to be so cute too. She was hawt, even.
Guess she can't play all those cutesy young roles forever.
I reckon she'll have to play Sean Connery's grandmother in "Sleepy In Seattle".

Let's see what some other famous celebs had to say about Meg's comments on omg!

Anyway... Who cares about what happens in the past. It never comes back to haunt you.

Right, O.J.?

Oooh, mah bad.
Speaking of prison food, Mr. Simpson also has seen his share of misfortune lately, guilty on all charges verdict for the robbery-kidnapping trial in Las Vegas came on the 13th anniversary of his famous acquittal in his ex-wife's death. The Juice has been juiced!

Some folks are saying, "This was just payback" or "He was going to be found guilty before the jurors were even picked just because of his acquittal in the Los Angeles murder case" or " O.J. isn't getting a fair shake".

You know, those may be really bad reflections on the Brown/Goldman murder trial, but it's an even worse reflection on the legal system in general. Everyone from the Los Angeles police investigators (wouldn't be the first time), down to the witnesses, down to the lawyers and everyone on the jury couldn't have handled the case any more incompetently than all of them did. And so once again we had O.J. on trial, the overwhelming evidence showing he did commit this particular crime, who's now facing a possible Life Sentence. Mr. Simpson may be getting a harsher punishment because of the popular belief that he likely committed those murders so many years ago and has gotten away with it. That's a bad bad thing if it's true.

I wasn't there to witness whether he murdered his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman in 1995 or not, but maybe O.J. knows. And if he did do it, and got away with it, he won't get away with anything once he meets his maker (the Pillsbury Dough Boy)

Also, just say he did commit those murders , he has to live with himself every single day of every single year of what's left of his life! He has to look at himself everyday in the mirror, has to look at his children, the people who loved those he was accused of murdering. That must be like hell on earth!

I wouldn't want to be in his shoes for anything (partly because they don't fit, he's a size 13 and I'm a 10 1/2, and partly because he has athlete's foot)!

I actually pray that if he is guilty of those murders, that O.J. asks The Pillsbury Dough Boy's forgiveness for those crimes, and that he means it. It says in the Holy Book of Pillsbury that praying for others and for forgiveness, doesn't mean you have to hang out with that person.

O.J. is in trouble with himself more than he is with the law....maybe he committed this latest crime because he was maddened beyond endurance by hundreds of nonsensical political speeches. He's in a pathetic frame of mind, with nowhere to go, because when he gets to his destination, he's still there. So he still has to live with himself... and Bubba, his homosexual rapist cellmate.

And now a song for O.J.
Credit: 'Prison Bitch' by Bob and Tom

Thought For The Day No. One

Kind of has a point. 'Nuff said.

Laugh, by Thunder, Laugh!

And that's just what you do when you realize September 19th was Talk Like A Pirate Day.

It's true, do it! do it now! We missed it. All those who didn't talk like a pirate on friday will have to walk the plank with me. ARR!

A pirate speaks,"O'ly wale shite t' is Septembre the 19th?! Wall, den I bedder learn 'ow t' talk like a pirate 'fore arget jabbed oon me aft by a randy arse pirate den!"




Loosely translated into non-pirate speak, "Holy whale shit it's Sept. 19?! Well, then I better learn how to talk like a pirate before I get jabbed in my ass by a horny butt pirate then!"

Yeah, I really don't know what the fuss is all about either. So a couple of dweebos, obviously bored with nothing better to do, get the idea from watching Treasure Island over and over again. Big deal! So they've received worldwide recognition and throngs of followers. Whooptie doo!

Pirates suck. You hear that Johnny Depp? They suck cast iron ship cannons. And our stereotypical idea of pirates is dead too. When was the last time you saw a real pirate? Well, maybe if you have your own private yacht and you went sailing in the Caribbean recently you got attacked by modern day pirates (thieves) with muskets (machine guns, grenades) and they stole all your treasure (cargo, money, drugs) and your booty (your wife's and/or possibly yours too). But that's rare. Gone are thar days of yore arr! (shit I'm doing it again) This is a new era! Nowadays, pirates are on the internet!

More pirate speak, "We like stealing stuff off the internet! Movies, music, software you name it. Thank the stars for piracy! YAAR!"

Since we're talking about (bashing) pirates...I'm not sure if this is Chris Crocker impersonating a pirate or just a really sad drag queen...

"Leave Blackbeard Alone!"

Yeeesh. What a wussy pirate. Why you could sail your ship in all his tears and pee (yes, he wet his pants). He sets a real poor example for all pirates and so are all those International Talk Like A Pirate wannabes and their hot wenches too.

Everyone knows pirates were and still are ugly, smelly and gross and so were their wenches.

Anyway, Happy (be-lated) International Talk Like A Pirate (dork) Day!